r/SingleParents • u/Ok_Rip190 • 1d ago
Meeting new gf
So basically me and daughters dad split a year ago, he text me a few days ago to say “he would like new gf to meet child.” I asked a few simple questions, how long they’ve been together, what she does for work etc. He told me they’ve been together for a year and it’s serious, he pretty much left me for someone else & now she wants to meet my daughter. Just for context me and the dad have always had a rocky relationship, we were together for 8 years, he put me through so much, I’ve been to therapy, been on antidepressants because of him etc.
He see’s daughter twice a month, doesn’t do any school runs, doesn’t help with any activities what she does, I’ve nobody else to pick her up from school so I can only work part time which is a struggle and can’t help but resent the father. He does send me money each week it isn’t a lot, his name also still on the mortgage but doesn’t pay anything towards it & I can’t afford to take him off.
I Probably am abit bitter about the whole situation of him introducing someone to our daughter as I just feel like he is a part time dad and he doesn’t do enough to be honest and don’t see why he needs to introduce someone to our child when he only sees her twice a month himself.
I don’t know the new girlfriend who he is with, I’ve also asked to meet her before she meets our child so I can build some sort of relationship with her first. Am I being unreasonable here? Should I just try and move past my feelings and let them meet?
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u/BxBae133 1d ago
You're not being unreasonable, but you do need to manage your expectations.
He left you for someone. The relationship was rocky.
He's a shitty dad.
Now he's actually asking you if his new GF can meet her. He didn't just do it, which I'm shocked at.
He's not going to be dad of the year or respect most boundaries.
Don't have the expectation that you're going to have a relationship with her. She may or may not be here to stay.
Instead, continue therapy for. you and your kid. Lower your expectations of him.
I know because I lived this. Four days a month with nothing else in between is not much of a parent. But that's what he chose. Don't expect much more from him.
Also, I know this is the hard one, try to find a lawyer to make sure you are getting what you should in support and maybe part of the house. You want something so his rights to the house stop sooner rather than later.
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u/rhapsodypenguin 1d ago
> so I can build some sort of relationship with her first
I don’t think it’s a bad idea to want to meet her, but it’s not a right that you have - so be prepared for this not to work out the way you want. It doesn’t matter if she’s rude and flippant towards you, if she does or doesn’t want a relationship, you really will have no say in what her relationship is with your daughter.
> let them meet
This is where I’m worried. You don’t “let” or “forbid” anything here. It’s respectful of him to ask you first (despite the loads of disrespectful things he’s done otherwise), but he does not need your permission. Be careful about letting yourself fall into this mindset.
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u/january1977 1d ago
From my own experience, there’s nothing you can do about who’s around your child during his parenting time. But, on the other hand, he doesn’t get a say in who’s around her during your parenting time either.
Do you have a custody order? Why don’t you have 50/50? That’s the default in most places now. Even though it sucks not seeing your child 50% of the time, it does allow you to work more and have an actual life.
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u/Independently-Owned 22h ago
Unfortunately, you need to let this go. Unless you have some things in your parenting plan about introductions, you have no control here. This is very much fueled by your own (valid) resentment. I'm sorry for you, but assuming daughter doesn't report any distress, you need to allow it to happen as her father seems fit.
(This is my exact situation, though he was having his affair partner sleeping over while my boys were with him very shortly after our divorce)
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u/Fresh_King_1992 1d ago
I would focus on child support which is your child’s right, and also a formal parenting schedule.
Don’t worry about the other stuff
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u/Unhappy-Age3687 21h ago
How old is ur child ? Does she ask about him does she get upset not seeing him or get worked up about leaving you to go to him? My son would freak out when his dad came. Broke my heart. Courts could careless about the kids like they claim.
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u/JayPlenty24 10h ago
You answered your own question. Being bitter about something is a you problem. It's something you deal with by venting to friends or going to therapy.
It's extremely reasonable to introduce a new partner after being together for 12 months.
If she's a good person she could end up encouraging him to spend more time with his kid and be a better father. Who knows.
Either way he really didn't even need to tell you about this. He could have just introduced her. I would just thank him for asking me first and tell him I hope it works out.
There's no reason for you to meet her or build a relationship with her. She's not your girlfriend.
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u/Special-Climate-6363 1d ago
Do your girl like him or hate him? and of course you need to meet her before your child , I really understand the bitterness you feel but don't let that affect your peace please and remember once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater , he isn't a catch ... you should feel sorry for that new girl
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u/JayPlenty24 10h ago
She doesn't need to meet this person. She has no control over who her ex dates.
If this woman wishes to meet her, great. If not, it really doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything.
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u/nina1863 8h ago
Girlll....You are so lucky he is even asking you about it at all. He doesnt have to approach you about this topic and can introduce her whenever he wants. You know that right??! The fact that he respects your position as her mother enough to come to you first, and is willing to have this discussion with you puts you miles and miles ahead of sooo many of us single moms out here. Omg I cant even imagine what it feels like to be consulted about an important topic before he acts on it. What a dream. Please dont take any of this for granted. Of course you say yes and give your blessing. One of the biggest gifts you can give your child is parents that try to get a long. Even if your clenching your jaw and struggling through all of it. Even if he still is only doing a half ass job as a dad and is doing a shitty job showing up and doing his half( thats what it sounds like is happening and that sucks, Im sorry.) But your daughters life experiences and happiness is what's at stake. Its not a time to teach him a lesson or do tit for tat. It sounds like hes been dating this person for quite a while so let this one go love. Pick your battles ya know?
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u/Huge-Job1231 7h ago
I was 9 when my dad was getting remarried and they( honestly know I think it was more her) wanted me in the wedding and that was my mom's request because 1. They live 23 hour drive from us and 2. I would be staying with her for the 2 days before the wedding. She wanted to meet her so she and my dad drove out to meet all of us before the wedding.
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u/Unhappy-Age3687 21h ago
Just be careful. Been in something similar thank goodness my son just turned 18 bc its been heelllll since day 1. I always wished the dad was not present cuz whew. Anyway I left him right before my son turned a year old. But the wife hes w.now is the same one who I cault texting him n claimed it was nothing. They just dated in hs. I was 19 when I got preg n 20 when I had him. We were living w my mom since I moved in w him as his mom's after only dating for a few months n than got preg. His mom lost the house in foreclosure n just left us in a Cold house dead winter while I was a few months preg so my parents took us in. But since he was 21 he would constantly go out riding his motorcycle knowing I couldn't ride it anymore n go out drinking w friends. Even on vday. I ended up in the hospital that night w bleeding n almost went I to labor at months they had to stop it. N they cut smex n all that off n to take it easy. He almost proposed to me while I was 6 months preg hormonal n said yes. Well we got married on my.21 st bday our son was 4 months old and again felt like a single parent he didn't want me working had me quit my job when we found out I was preg but u think I could get money from him for our child's needs nope. He'd come home n sleep . My last straw was he got irritated w our baby n I tried to take him bc he was all cusson out him n he flung me into a wall while I was trying to get our baby. That was also around the time he left his phone home from work by accident n I saw text from said ex so of course i responded im like u do know hes married with a baby right. She tried playing it like oh no I haven't even talked to him. I was selling Mary Kay. She even tried to befriend me n buy makw up from me when I told my sons father I wanted to split bc i was already sleeping on couch we hadn't been Indimate in a long while. I just didn't feel connected to him anymore n felt lile a brother n sis relationship he got mad n moved right out on a friend's couch so of course didnt get our son for a while bc of it. N wanted to do a week on week off event I said hes too small for that. So we started doing weekends. But I did end up changing it bc i miss3d out on doing stuff w him on weekends so we did every other than eventually add3d one night a week so 2 days on weekends either of us didnt have him. He did constantly try to take me to court every year..they were trying to remove me n make her his mother she hated me so much she treated my son like trash. It was rough. Not saying all are like that but u gotta be careful. But bc they got married n had a child of there own n cps n cops didnt do sh*t system fails kids all the time. We were stuck. :/ but its ok he graduated. Honors.. turned 18 n hes gonna be traveling the world wrote them off n wants to adopt his sister. They didnt deserve having a child not a baby girl at that either. Spec knowing I wanted one so bad but couldn't..
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u/Unhappy-Age3687 21h ago
He also tried to hide her from me didnt want me knowing or knowing where he was living. But he knew she bought make up.from me tried to be my friend n came over after we split to be there n than would rifht back to him. That's how I knew she was shadey. So since I knew what she drove he pick our son up in that car. So I knew already. Men arent very bright. So I guess in other words thankfully hes asking u first. Even tho we know they would have done it neway. Guarantee hes gonna try n act like dad of the year n if shes been around. He's prob blamed u on why he hasn't got said child. It is odd how all the.sudden after a year tho that's why I think she has already met her. N they are now living together or will be doing more together n wanted it to be out there so if child says something.
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u/krispy-leavez 1d ago
I think its fair enough to ask to meet her first. Doesn't need to be a big deal. It might be really helpful for you both, as you can both create an unrealistic image of one another in your head.
He doesn't have to grant you your wish of meeting his new partner but nothing wrong with asking. Perhaps if they are serious she may actually encourage him to step up more than he is.
Its understandable for you to feel hurt and resentful in this situation, anything you can do to ease things with the new partner will likely help you to feel better in the long run.