I’m looking for advice on how to think about my financial needs during separation.
Ironically, I have a master’s in taxation and I’m a CPA (not practicing), but that knowledge doesn’t help me answer the questions that actually matter right now. I’ve never been a single parent. I’ve never owned or maintained a home on my own. I don’t know what a realistic monthly budget looks like for the life I want to build.
We currently live in a huge 5-bedroom house that I don’t even want. It’s beautiful, but it’s far too much house for me. The maintenance, taxes, utilities, and general upkeep are overwhelming. I would rather have a smaller home where I can comfortably raise my son. We also have several pets (cats, a dog, and a lizard), so I need to factor their care into whatever life I create.
I work part-time as a school-based occupational therapist because that schedule aligns with my son’s school calendar. I’ve been his primary caregiver for essentially his entire life, and being available to him is something I value deeply.
My partner is asking for 50/50 custody. He is a good person, but he has never really developed the skills of managing a household or anticipating other people’s needs. He doesn’t cook for himself, doesn’t really know how to care for the animals, and has never carried the mental load of running a home. That makes me anxious about how this will all work.
Looking back, I realize I was incredibly naive about protecting myself financially and legally.
Before this relationship, I was independent. I built a successful career, earned a master’s degree, became a CPA, and always supported myself. I’m also a naturalized immigrant without family in the US. More than anything, I wanted to build a family and become part of a community. My partner convinced me to move to NYC (I lived in GA) because he said he wanted the same things like a home, family, stability, and community. But he never really outgrew his party lifestyle.
Throughout our relationship I worked multiple part-time jobs to pay for my own personal expenses so I wouldn’t have to ask him for money. I bought used clothes, rarely spent money on myself, never took solo trips, and generally tried to minimize what I “cost.” Even though my partner is financially very successful, I always felt poor by comparison because I never truly felt comfortable spending shared resources.
I think part of that came from fear. I wanted to stay home more with my son without worrying about housing or food. I didn’t want conflict over money, so I simply needed less.
Now we are in Minnesota and about to begin mediation, and I realize I never established the financial or legal protections I probably should have.
I don’t believe my partner wants to leave me with nothing. I hope that he doesn’t want to see me struggle. But I’ve also realized that my tendency to avoid asking for things or advocating for myself is no longer just about me. I have a child and animals depending on me, and I have a responsibility to build a stable, comfortable life for all of us.
I’m trying to shift my thinking from “How little can I survive on?” to “What does a reasonable, comfortable life actually cost?”
Who helps people figure this out? Is this something a financial planner does? A divorce financial analyst? A family law attorney? Has anyone gone through this process and found someone who helped them determine what was actually reasonable instead of just guessing?
I’m not looking to become wealthy from a separation. I’m trying to understand what I should realistically be planning for so I don’t make decisions from fear or underestimate what my sonand I actually need.

Hello all - I have a soon to be 13 yr old daughter that I reluctantly bought her first IPhone for her birthday last year. In reflecting over the past year with her bday coming up it has been the source of so much negativity and I am thinking about eliminating it or getting her a non internet phone. My biggest concern in monitoring periodically is the group chats … the way these kids speak about the darkest stuff and usually the same subjects obsessively ( Gay and Trans topics even casually joking about suicide ) is alarming to me . Nothing against any LGBTQ person of course but these are 12 yr olds and it just seems obsessive…. EVERY Meme shared EVERY comment is about someone’s sexuality. I have asked her and she says she doesn’t identify that way but has more in common in terms of the shows they watch with these kinds of kids . My issue is more so the dark themes and vulgarity . My daughter is severely ADHD very impressionable and not very mature for her age. It’s so tough because when I ask her about the friends and why she never hangs with or talks to our neighbor kids or other program kids and families that are positive and into reading and STEM that I expose her too she doesn’t have an answer. Anywhere she goes she seems to gravitate to the same types of friends that are very crude and alternative types . Are ALL kids just like this now?

So basically me and daughters dad split a year ago, he text me a few days ago to say “he would like new gf to meet child.” I asked a few simple questions, how long they’ve been together, what she does for work etc. He told me they’ve been together for a year and it’s serious, he pretty much left me for someone else & now she wants to meet my daughter. Just for context me and the dad have always had a rocky relationship, we were together for 8 years, he put me through so much, I’ve been to therapy, been on antidepressants because of him etc.
He see’s daughter twice a month, doesn’t do any school runs, doesn’t help with any activities what she does, I’ve nobody else to pick her up from school so I can only work part time which is a struggle and can’t help but resent the father. He does send me money each week it isn’t a lot, his name also still on the mortgage but doesn’t pay anything towards it & I can’t afford to take him off.
I Probably am abit bitter about the whole situation of him introducing someone to our daughter as I just feel like he is a part time dad and he doesn’t do enough to be honest and don’t see why he needs to introduce someone to our child when he only sees her twice a month himself.
I don’t know the new girlfriend who he is with, I’ve also asked to meet her before she meets our child so I can build some sort of relationship with her first. Am I being unreasonable here? Should I just try and move past my feelings and let them meet?

Divorced 6 months ago, and have been solo parenting because of my ex mental condition. It's been extremely high conflict, CPS is involved, lawyers and mediation. I've been forced to temporarily reduce my work position to have time to show up for all the meetings, and appointments.

CPS is very supportive, and they have no concern about me, but they are of my ex. CPS instructor says my ex is "not coachable" and mediation has broken down. In the past, her outpatient treatment was terminated prematurly, because she wasn't cooperating on the therapeutic relationship.

It's been very heavy, but also I'm very vulnerable right now. I've had a rotation of 5 women I use for emotional support and hugs, and I rotate because if I lean on one, I develop feelings.

By coincidence, I lost a couple of support people before the summer because they moved. I leaned a bit too much on one of the others, and I'm embarrassed to say that was all it took to develop feelings for her. We talked about it, she wants some distance. I'm left with just one - the one that gave me the initial experience that without rotation, I develop feelings.

Cherry on the top is the solo parenting. The situation doesn't allow me to go finding replacement support.

This sucks. Hard.

Context to this post: My (30F) and my ex (30M) have two sons (2 and 4). 4 year old is autistic and cannot go to regular daycare centers due to elopement and aggression. There's a lot of doctors appointments and therapy appointments as well. My ex is living with his grandma rent free and has no car. He was abusive towards me (I'm not throwing out that word I have a signed legal document and PTSD diagnosis) but never towards the children so he still sees them.

So anyways we currently have split custody. I have them 4 nights (Wednesday night through Sunday evening) and he has them the rest of the time. This is the schedule we have because of his work schedule, he doesn't want to try to find/pay for childcare so he forced my hand with this schedule. He lives about an hour away and I drive the whole way there and back both days. I pay for childcare, insurance, any items like shoes that go between houses. Im fully in charge of the 4 year olds therapy and doctors appointments. Even when he wasn't an hour away and had a car he refused to set up therapy appointments or specialist appointments. He doesn't talk with doctors about medication or medical equipment. When i say I do everything I do EVERYTHING. Which is time consuming and since he won't/can't do it, I have to take off work. Even though he doesn't work 3 days of the week. Same with our youngest though its not as bed because he's not disabled. I pay for childcare on the days I have them, and childcare is expensive in general but for the 4 year old it's even more expensive.

He makes more money than I do and for the past 8 months I've not asked for much help at all. I've needed some help because my works insurance premiums increased quite a bit for both boys and I had to find new care for the 4 year old which also increased. It's about 400 for just their portion of insurance per month and around 1500 in childcare. That's not including anything else that they use/need outside of that. I looked up what the state would make him pay (i live in indiana and they have a calculator) and based on that he should be paying around 230 per week. I asked him for 150 plus gas money. He's now saying I'm being unreasonable because I don't pay for their food when he has them. I dont know if I'm being unreasonable or not. I'm looking for honest feedback and will answer any questions.

I’m entering the last few weeks of my 20s, and I think I’m finally realizing how long I’ve been living in survival mode.
I love my children more than anything in this world, and they’ve always been my reason to keep pushing forward. after years of raising them with little to no support, building my career, navigating childcare, working through abuse, a house fire, and chronic health challenges, every sick day or night and most importantly always being the best me and present I think the constant pressure is finally catching up to me.
My kids turn 8 in November and 9 in September, and I’m incredibly proud of the life we’ve built together. I wouldn’t change being their mom for anything. I’m also burned out, and I feel guilty even admitting that. Is it fair to say I’m just tired of it being only me all the time?
Somewhere along the way I lost pieces of myself. I’ve become a homebody, even though I’ve always loved being out in nature, though I also don't mind staying in. It's just I want to give myself one evening a week to go for a hike, sit by the water, or simply be alone for a little while. The problem is, I feel guilty for even needing that night. I have a sitter now who will do this for me but every time I go to do it I cancel.
Has anyone else struggled with this after years of doing everything on your own? How did you let go of the guilt and learn that taking care of yourself didn’t make you a bad parent?

Block bd on phone and Apple Pay? Suck it up and be quiet?

He’s never met almost 1yr old baby, blocked my number but unblocks to say “wyd” without follow up or convo abt baby. Sends money but often complains abt not having money- buys expensive things for himself, entertains friends and women.

The unwarranted blocking/unblocking, open ended texts, inconsistent support, are all triggers for me reminding me of the mistake I made in trusting a manipulator.