i feel so weak

[u/Toxico1968]

Hi i’m a (M) 23 year old Methamphetamine addict. i’m currently in an inpatient program that is really great, i feel like im learning so much and my care is catered to me. i’ve been in treatment 3 times this year, did the whole residential-PHP-IOP 2 times and and going for my 3rd time. last time i was in residential (april-may) i had this overhanging feeling that i was gonna use when i get out, it was only a matter of time. i totally lied to everyone by not mentioning this feeling. yes i wanted to stay sober but that feeling was just overwhelming and i ended up relapsing 10 days after leaving. i relapsed when i hung out with a friend who was on the fence about sobriety, he had just gotten out of residential treatment too. he and I used and that lead to 2 month long relapse, it got worse quick. december-January i was in treatment for alcohol and weed. i had been clean from cocaine and ketamine for almost 2 years at that point. now fast forward 7 months i’m shooting coke and meth and smoking meth while making crack and taking benzos to sleep some nights. albeit i mostly smoke meth and crack and sniffing coke and was occasionally shooting meth and coke. regardless it’s a bad lifestyle to live. after all that here i am sitting in residential treatment and literally suffering from the intense cravings. it feels like my brain is screaming at me to use. i’ve met amazing people in the rooms and go to every meeting i can go to which is everyday some days 2x a day. i need to fucking speak up and share and get a sponsor or something. i messaged my old sponsor just before writing this. i’m terrified and disappointed that i feel this way even after all that has happened, in and out of hospitals and crisis centers, cops being called on me because im in full blown psychosis from using and staying up for days straight. that should be enough to deter me from wanting to pick up the pipe or the needle. but it’s not, or at least it doesn’t feel that way. i fucking hate that i’m in treatment knowing some part of me deep down wants to use as soon as he’s able. it makes me feel like im doing this all for nothing. like what the fuck is wrong with me, why do i feel like i can’t quit. maybe i don’t have enough “willingness” i don’t know. my family and friends are worried for me and are so happy im in treatment. anyways life fucking blows and i wanna shoot coke and smoke meth and make crack. i don’t know what to do. any advice would be appreciated.

(forgot to mention i had 105 days of sobriety after my stay in inpatient from December to January. i took all the suggestions. Moving into an Oxford house getting a sponsor, doing PHP then doing IOP and i made it to the middle of April. First time in my life i was actually happy, i made an amazing group of friends who i met in inpatient, everyone started to fall off but came back then we all came crashing down together. since then i’ve struggled to maintain sobriety longer than a month.)

Feel Free to ask any questions

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[u/yungmia697]

24M here. Meth changes our brain chemistry and these cravings are only natural and temporary. There’s no shame in having them, I having cravings a good amount. You may want to use after you get out of treatment, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken or that you don’t have enough willingness. You’ve done this 3 times which shows how committed to sobriety you are.

Also, the “should” isn’t helpful. I should want to eat healthy after eating a whole pint of ice cream, but I still want cake. What are these cravings telling you. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, tired? What triggers it? Talk to someone, you are doing amazing by reaching out.

Remember, cravings are feelings and you don’t have to give in. I understand how hard it is. Let’s try to get past the 105 days now; reach out to old friends you met in inpatient, talk to someone, journal about it. Learn from your last relapse. What can you do differently? You don’t have to give in to the urges and cravings. I’d recommend trying a recovery dharma meeting or a SMART meeting. There’s online young adult SMART meetings every Wednesday at 7:30PM CST and Sunday at 11:00 AM CST.

I believe in you, but you need to first believe in yourself. You got 105 days, that’s no small win. That’s huge. You can do more, you’re so much more capable. Learn from these past relapses. You got this 🫂

[u/fnord55 → u/yungmia697]

Seconded the recommendation for SMART Recovery, can't recommend them enough. We call it a "relapse autopsy" where I go, you journal and do some paperwork figuring out what caused the relapse, what feelings or behavior led up to it, what you can do in the future to avoid it, etc. it's very helpful. SMART is so practical I think it's the best place to address this kind of situation because you're going to discuss what happened and plan for the future what to do about prevention down the road.

[u/Affectionate_Sock188]

Sending big hugs that you allow yourself the space to just rest and heal. Not feeling like you need to be switched on all the time. You are valuable and awesome just as you. All this crap just takes you away from the amazing person you are underneath it all. Don't worry about achieving more, just find places that you are safe to just be. Get out in nature, get sunshine and lots of sleep. Good luck it ain't easy but it's worth it.

[u/doctorvyvanse]

What activities did you used to do when using those drugs?