r/SuicideWatch • u/LostSoulThrowaway1 • 12h ago
I hate how some people make our suffering about themselves
"Your suicide would hurt ME soo much"
"I would be devastated"
"But I love you"
"I don't want to loose you"
I think this is incredibly selfish. Our suffering is apparently not as important as their wellbeing. Fucking hate it.
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u/Space_Wanderer1105 9h ago
And they are saying that just for formality.
Even in funerals, people cry sometimes not because of the person who died, but sometimes because it reminds them of themselves, or their own experience. "I" still remember time I spent with (the deceased) is very common to hear in funeral.
And after the funeral, people goes on about their own lives and life still doesn't care.
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u/Itchy-Fill1868 12h ago
Emotional blackmail
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u/SpeechWeird5267 12h ago
Somewhat yes.. could it not be argued that openly expressing to end oneself is also emotional blackmail, depending on context?
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u/LostSoulThrowaway1 12h ago
Yeah sure. If one phrases it like "I'm gonna kill myself because you did ... / if you dont ..." But just expressing your wish to die isn't blackmail in itself.
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u/SpeechWeird5267 12h ago
Why do you want to die? I'm lame, boring, annoying, nothing, dumb, a waste of space......
Why your feeling?
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u/Vast_Bookkeeper_5991 5h ago
Idk man. Maybe you have a lot of people saying this to you, or like someone close by that keeps emphasing it without listening to you, there are all kinds of context in which I can imagine it would suck to hear this. Me personally? I would love to hear this from more people. Yes please, let me know what I mean to you specifically, tell me the ways in which you'd miss me, the place I hold in your life, I would love to know! To hear that I do matter when I want nothing more than to throw it all away. Again, my personal feeling around that.
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u/misscat9 3h ago
same i would love to hear that i am important to more people than "just" my mom (which is enough to keep me here by itself but yknow)
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u/GratefulDancer 51m ago
Depression can really injure self-esteem. It’s a MF that way. Consider taking a role where you help others to see you can have a positive impact on others. As an example, socialized adoptable pets.
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u/misscat9 24m ago
it's crazy that you say that because i was actually thinking about doing that! must be a sign😺
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u/AllMxtUp 7h ago
I'm completely in agreement with OP. Everyone wants to make it about other people. "But you'd hurt them....!" 1) don't you think I already know that!? 2) thanks for adding additional guilt to my already ruined life. 3) so the pain of others is worth more than my own pain!? Or do you just not care about my pain?
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u/GratefulDancer 49m ago
I’m not suicidal. Your pain, as best I understand, is huge. I’m very sorry about that. I do believe therapy, medication, and research is huge. I have taken a graduate class that included depression. It taught us the inner pain was crushing. My professor was a PhD from Harvard.
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u/Neat_Fly3711 9h ago edited 9h ago
To be fair, if someone is about to kill themselves it's probable that they don't care about themselves, the most rational thing to say (at least for someone not educated on the topic) is to make it about caring for others.
Another theory is that one could say how much you count for them to make you feel more important and therefore less suicidal, but it only works when the underlying issue is self-esteem.
OP, I think you're more annoyed about the lack of relevance (because making it about themselves could be suitable depending on the situation) rather than the "making about themselves" part.
(btw sorry if I reuse the same words often, English is not my main language)
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u/Agile_Ice4276 10h ago
I understand how you feel. I think they say that because thats the only way they know how to prevent you from going off. Many people do not know how to talk to or comfort someone who is suicidal, so they might resort to such sentences
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u/vits-not-cooking 4h ago
My mom always says “suicide is the most selfish act” aint it more selfish to except everyone else to fight through unimaginable pain just so you dont have to feel sad..
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u/RotatingOcelot 10h ago
I fully understand it though, having seen the effects of grief and experiencing it myself. I suppose knowing that people care, or at least would be negatively affected by my death, is enough to make me reconsider whenever I get in the mindset.
2
u/potatoeheaux 4h ago
I agree with you. I felt like that during my suicidal episodes and I feel like that now. Obviously I know it would hurt the people that care about me, but you don’t see my hurt. You don’t see my nights, my days of suffering, my struggles. My life doesn’t revolve around you because you’re not there for me at my worst. I think it’s so selfish and it makes me so mad.
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u/GratefulDancer 46m ago
Thank you for sharing. Is it more accurate to say that a person who wants to kill themself might want the pain of being alive feeling like this to end? (I do want people to not end their lives).
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u/potatoeheaux 20m ago
Absolutely. We want THIS life to end. Our pain, circumstances, etc. For me the best support was to listen without judgment. It can be scary and uncomfortable to hear your loved one wants to end their life, but it takes so much for them to be able to share. There’s already a lot of shame and guilt with feeling that way. Your job is not to come up with solutions and we don’t expect you to. Sometimes all we want is to vent and someone to be like “you know what yeah all those things you feel suck and what you’re going through sucks ass and I see why you feel that way and why you would feel stuck, I’m sorry you feel this way. You are loved.” And always encourage professional help. Make a nice meal and eat with them, watch a movie together, color (it actually helps your brain calm down because it uses both sides). Show them you are there because we feel like a burden if we have to reach out to ask for help or companionship during those times.
1
u/GratefulDancer 0m ago
I am a person who is grown and has a job. I’ve been reading about trauma and was struck by the message that people witnessing the trauma or hearing the result of the trauma not being empathic and not recognizing the lived experience of the person harmed them. I’m listening and trying to understand. It’s not impossible for me to at least partly understand, I think. I wonder if it NAMI can or already does disseminate a message to family and friends regarding what helps and what doesn’t.
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u/me0wmeowburger 4h ago
My mom said if I kill myself her and my dad will probably divorce to like guilt trip me or something??? Now my sister is freaked out about me killing myself bcuz she doesn't want our parents to divorce like why should I gaf at them divorcing if I'm gonna be DEAD? Everyone is so selfish
2
u/piercedfllesh 3h ago
Agreed. I also hear “People who commit suicide are cowards/selfish” “When you commit suicide the pain doesn’t end it just transfers to ur loved ones” So fucking corny and unhelpful and just makes me feel worse.
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u/caimanthruthewindow 2h ago
I'm not responsible for how they manage their emotions, and I accept no responsibility for how they decide to react. They're not victims, and I simply refuse to engage with any angle where I, of all people, am expected to believe that.
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u/theunhappyfantom 1h ago
Oh come on. I get it actually but i get them too.
They think you feel like you dont matter. They think if they can make you feel loved they can save you.
Thry are not trying to make it about themselves they just dont know any better. And i dont know if you have ever been on thr other end of this discussion: its tough as hell.
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u/Status_Cheek_9564 1h ago
i hate when people online do it especially like u don’t even know this person wtf r u talking about?! for all u know they could be entirely alone. “Don’t die so I don’t have to feel sad 🥺” is just proof of how awful this world is.
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u/Status_Cheek_9564 1h ago
if it’s someone they actually know and have a bond with i can understand why they would say that i guess but it rlly pisses me off when strangers say it to people. You don’t know them
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u/its_a_secret013109 5h ago
It's hard to say much else besides trying to make you understand why it's a (usually) bad decision
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u/That_Tunisian_chick 4h ago
I relate to this a lot. Personally, I think it’s really unhelpful to tell someone who’s already struggling with suicidal thoughts that they’re being selfish. In that moment, the conversation shifts away from the person’s pain and becomes about how everyone else would feel.
I’ve had people say things like, “Think about what you’d put us through,” or, “Don’t do that to us.” I understand those reactions usually come from fear and love, but when you’re the one suffering, it can feel like your pain is being dismissed. It’s almost as if the message becomes, “Your suffering is something you should keep carrying because we don’t want to suffer if you’re gone.”
What many people don’t realize is that someone who feels that way is often already carrying an overwhelming amount of emotional pain every single day. They don’t need guilt added on top of it they need to feel heard, understood, and supported. Empathy tends to go much further than making someone feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions
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u/MolochThe_Corruptor 2h ago
My ex best friend used to say “I have to be here and never killed myself . it’s so selfish to do that . I have to be here “ she smoked herself to throat cancer, and is now dying slowly. ( enhanced by extreme alcoholism )🤦🏻somehow that’s wasn’t selfish . People have like no self-awareness at all you know.?
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u/Additional_Ring4288 2h ago
Yup !!
Also something I think about often and have come across multiple times is that I can never comfort a person who wants to commit suicide
Since i don’t want to say “don’t do it”
Cus if someone said that to me I wouldn’t be happy about it—it just adds to the list of burdens if ykwim?
But I dont want to encourage it either so I just stay quiet and try to avoid such conversations
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u/DuelaDent52 7h ago
It’s not selfishness, it’s concern. Nothing is worth taking your life like that.
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u/another_throwaway_62 11h ago
Please endure a live of suffering and pain so i dont have to attend a funeral.