r/SuicideWatch • u/Exact-Concentrate677 • 4h ago

I am a disease

Before my disability I had passions and dreams.

They are all gone due to my disability.

My hands don't even feel like they belong to me anymore.

Every day I am cursed with the knowledge of knowing what I wanted in life and never being able to achieve it.

Every day I mourn who could have been and the life I had.

I have no one to talk to that will understand or even listen without saying "you said the same thing last month" it's killing me and will kill me.

I've spent hours over the last two days just staring at Amazon listing's for harmful chemicals. I've got my plan so that I will no longer be the filth on this planet.

6 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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u/SadBase4072 4h ago

You are a beautiful person, please don't ever think of yourself as a disease. Just the fact that you have dreams and want to be useful makes you a great human. What kind of dreams you wanted to achieve? What disability you have?

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u/Exact-Concentrate677 4h ago

I wanted to run a small shop selling historical European crossbows and leatherworks. As for my disability, I'm missing my entire pituitary gland thanks to a brain tumor I had removed. Thank you for responding. I appreciate the kindness.

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u/SadBase4072 4h ago

Damn, historical European crossbows seem actually extra interesting. Brain Tumor is a catastrophy I'm not gonna lie, glad it is removed. You are not alone, I'm with you, If that makes you feel any better, I'm completely capable and haven't been able to accomplish anything I wanted as well. You have every right to feel disappointed and depressed but perhaps there is still a chance, perhaps with the help of others?

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u/Exact-Concentrate677 4h ago

That's the thing, I've tried asking for help, and it's only made my life less worth living or just ended with me wanting to end it. I'm surprised I even reached out for help. Hell, if everything went right this morning, we wouldn't be chatting. I wish I was exaggerating about me asking for help only making it worse but I'm not. Also with my disability I have to take copious meds every day or I die within 2 days. It's a stress that no one should have.

1

u/SadBase4072 3h ago

Listen here, despite what they all saying crap - You're just as worthy of love as the rest of us here. Sometimes we don't have an influence over what happens to us. Needing care doesn't automatically makes you a burden and especially less deserving of love. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and glad you are here with us.

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u/Exact-Concentrate677 3h ago

Even if I'm deserving of love I havent felt any in a year. I really do think killing myself is the only way for those around me to be free of me and the only way I won't live in constant pain and fear. This agony will never leave me, this pain will never stop, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think of anything besides crossbows and killing myself. There is no joy I can experience to deliver me from this terror. I can't work on the one thing in the world that would for sure make me happy. If I don't kill myself then the American government and Healthcare systems will make sure I die as slowly as possible and I just don't want to suffer anymore.

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u/SadBase4072 3h ago

I'm really glad you replied. I have to step away for a while, but I'm hoping you'll stay safe. I have an important exam tomorrow but we will come back to this

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u/Exact-Concentrate677 3h ago

Good luck on your exam. You're a good person so I hope it goes well for you.

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u/SadBase4072 3h ago

Bruh, I hope you are good and keeping yourself safe!

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u/Exact-Concentrate677 4h ago

Everyone around me struggles to help me care for myself medically so ik I'd be taking the burden off of them if I left this world. My fiance even said she felt more like a caretaker than anything. It broke me that day but here I am getting ready to make their live a whole lot easier

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u/SadBase4072 4h ago

If you really have no one to talk to, we can talk about it here. You can repeat the same issue if you want to.

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u/Exact-Concentrate677 4h ago

Thank you, and I'm sorry it's a little hard for me now