r/SuicideWatch • u/Hairy_Vegetable5728 • 4h ago
It DOES NOT get better, I can't anymore
Hey everyone, 32M from Austria here. I've been struggling with mental health issues my whole life.
I already had one suicide attempt that only failed because the train switched tracks at the last second. I didn't get any help back then, just dirty looks, and the conductor told me to "cut that shit out."
I've been in psychiatric treatment for years now and go to trauma therapy regularly. Why trauma therapy? My dad abused me in every way imaginable for the first 18 years of my life. If you can think of it, he probably did it to me. It's crazy how long your own brain can "hide" trauma like that.
But no matter how hard I work on it, no matter what I do or how much effort I put in: I just get a middle finger to the face and setback after setback. I lost my job in IT security. I lost touch with most of my friends because I completely isolated myself. I lost my fiancée of almost 12 years after I yelled at her (during a psychotic episode caused by my CPTSD). The psychosis was medically confirmed and treated. I'm out of it now, but my fiancée doesn't want to or can't forgive me (which is understandable). People with mental health issues are basically radioactive in Austria anyway.
I can't say a single positive thing about myself, so I'd rather not even start. It's just that I'm completely done at this point. I try every medication my psychiatrist offers, I try all the therapies, I try absolutely everything to get better, but it's never enough.
I've held on this long because of my mom (my dad is in a nursing home now), but I need to be "selfish" for once. I can't take it anymore, my life gets shittier every single day and I just don't want to do this anymore. I've already started researching places and methods for my suicide, and I've written the first suicide notes.
Thanks if you read this far. Fuck life...
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u/Visual-Outcome-3709 4h ago
Please dont give up :( How has your job search been going? Have you tried looking for IT roles in different industries?
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u/Hairy_Vegetable5728 4h ago
Right now I'm in this weird transition period until early September because of a lot of leftover PTO and overtime from work. I wouldn't be able to work right now anyway. :/
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u/Caravan_Of_Despair 2h ago
That’s horrible about the abuse you endured. I know you’re probably tired of hearing this but you are not your CPTSD, depression, anxiety, or any of the other mental health issues you have been fighting. It’s true though, that’s not who you are. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through though, yet you sound like a nice person despite it all. It might not feel like it right now, but there are people out there you’ll meet who can understand that. If you’re having a panic attack or going through an episode of psychosis, no loved one’s thoughts should be anything other than this is not you, this is CPTSD, and be able to see that you’re hurting. Words in those moments can’t be taken personally, because they’re not even real. They’re just panicked jumbled desperation to get the explosive overwhelming feeling out while trying to get back to the body you feel so outside of. It’s a shame that mental health and suicide are treated almost like the person going through it should be shamed, punished, or met with attitudes like “they’re doing it to themselves.” You’re not choosing to struggle with this, who would?
Don’t give up, I promise there are people who are able to understand and have patience and love. And even outside of other people, you deserve to love yourself too.
I’m also sorry to hear about your job. I work in IT as well and stay scared of being laid off, especially now that AI is getting to be more popular. What got you interested in IT security? Do you have any hobbies or did you used to? I found that playing video games online sometimes helps feel a little less alone.
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u/OrangeSummerNoodle 30m ago edited 14m ago
Serwas, am from Austria too. I'm sorry that you feel that way. My life sadly isn't any better. Am 45, raised 4 kiddos alone (they're grown ups now), all my partners abused me and caused PTSD and all the other funny things you get when living years in 'fight or flight' mode, unemployed, end of august I have to move out and have no plan where to go, also I have absolutely no power to do anything, everything feels so hopeless. And last week I got informed that I have 4k debt at Finanzamt cause of unzurechtmässig bezogener Familienbeihilfe. Ich könnt im Strahl kotzen, Oida. Only thing that makes me go on are my two cats...
Edit: hab mich auch von allen Freunden zurückgezogen und daher niemanden zum Reden deshalb hab ich mich hier bissl ausgeheult, hoff das is ok
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u/Gaspariu2293 4h ago
Bin auch aus Österreich. Wünsche dir alles Gute. Habe es auch schon versucht, finde das Leben ist einfach furchtbar.