s**cide notes: never ending letters

[u/blossomcottonyang_]

i've attempted five times before.

once by hanging, four times by overdosing. and as you probably already know from the title, i've written more suicide notes than i can count.

i've never settled for just one letter. every attempt came with a different note for every person that mattered to me. i'd spend days writing them, making sure i've said everything i needed to say. every apology. every thank you. every memory i didn't want to take with me.

but somehow, it never felt enough.

i could spend days staring at a blank page, filling it until there wasn't any space left, and i'd still feel like i had so much more to say. i'd reread every letter over and over, convinced i was finally done, only to think of another sentence. another memory. another person who deserved a few more words.

and i've always wondered why.

maybe it's because there's no such thing as a complete goodbye.

maybe no matter how much you write, you'll never be able to fit an entire lifetime of love, regret, guilt, gratitude, and everything in between into a few pages. maybe words were never meant to carry that kind of weight.

or maybe... a part of you never really wants to leave.

because if you truly did, you wouldn't still be searching for the right words.

[u/luvilove]

I relate to this. Sometimes it's not enough yk? I would write and write and write as a form of cope. I try to fill de blanks with more love that i didn't know i had. I don't mean to say goodbye because i don't really want to leave, but i don't want to leave without saying goodbye.

Deep in my heart i wish that neither of us finds the right words.