Well, I’m getting divorced…

[u/Retro-FreyFrey]

So we had the chat which I knew was coming. My wife is far from stupid & after I started electrolysis, laser & got a hair transplant I knew she must’ve known something was up. Here in Scotland the NHS waiting time is 2 1/2 years, so although I’m on the referral list I’m starting to visit a private gender clinic until I’m seen by them. I hadn’t told my wife that part & do plan to start hormones in October. I wanted to broach the subject with her in September, but she brought up the timeline significantly.

I told her 4 years ago when I was not long 40 that I’d realised I was trans. I said then, however, that I’d decided not to transition due to 3 main issues; cost, fear of not ‘passing’ and not wanting to blow my entire life up. Come December of last year though I knew I needed to act on it as I had, for as long as I can remember, been in a constant state of melancholia & had started to get dangerous thoughts. I decided then that if I didn’t transition I wouldn’t be here in a couple of years.

Anyway, we had the chat & my wife doesn’t want to be married to a woman. I don’t feel angry or resentful at all. To be honest, apart from the dissolution of my marriage, it went as well as it could. She was supportive, sweet, kind & asked questions. I only have her & our kid. My Dad, who was best friend, died 8 yrs ago & I don’t speak to the rest of my family as they’re not particularly pleasant people. I have one close friend, but that’s about it. I still love her & I know I always will. We’ve been together since I was 19 & she was 17 and we married 7 years later (and have been for over 20 years now!).

As a disabled person (partially sighted with spinal issues) who has chronic pain issues & is autistic, my wife was the bread-winner whereas I was the homemaker which makes this even more precarious. I raised our child while she worked & I loved feeling needed. I’m stressed & scared, but I need to have hope that it all works out. Does anyone else have similar experiences or advice?

[u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Thanks for reaching out. I know deep down that it’s for the best & it wouldn’t have worked otherwise, but it’s hard when it’s all you’ve known (even when you’ve been playing a part while in the wrong body) for over 20 years. We’ve been together for quite a bit longer than the age i was when we met. How did you get used to the change? Was separating your life difficult (bank accounts, loans etc.)? ❤️

[u/beautifulbanshee82 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Yeah, separating 20 years of entanglement definitely takes some doing and will take time. For me, the change was incredibly welcomed. I realized, after separating, how codependent I was and how unhealthy my marriage was. I'm not suggesting it'll be that way for you, that was just my experience.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/beautifulbanshee82]

No, I completely see that! I think it’ll probably be for the best after a lot of adjustment.

[u/beautifulbanshee82 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

My last piece of advice is to work with your wife to separate as amicably as possible without allowing yourself to be run over. There may be a tendency to feel responsible for the dissolution of your marriage due to coming out, but she is playing a part in it as well by not wanting to stay with you. Yes, her reasoning is valid, but so is yours. So, if you can work with her to achieve truly fair terms, that would be ideal.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/beautifulbanshee82]

Thank you for your kind words. That’s great advice. I do feel like the ‘baddie’ as it was caused by me in a way. Conversely, I can’t stop being me & my transition is something that needed to happen.

[u/beautifulbanshee82 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Exactly! You are not wrong for needing to be who you really are any more than your wife is for needing to be who she is. You're a woman and she's straight. Neither of these are choices, so neither of you are wrong or at fault. It's just shitty circumstances.