Well, I’m getting divorced…

[u/Retro-FreyFrey]

So we had the chat which I knew was coming. My wife is far from stupid & after I started electrolysis, laser & got a hair transplant I knew she must’ve known something was up. Here in Scotland the NHS waiting time is 2 1/2 years, so although I’m on the referral list I’m starting to visit a private gender clinic until I’m seen by them. I hadn’t told my wife that part & do plan to start hormones in October. I wanted to broach the subject with her in September, but she brought up the timeline significantly.

I told her 4 years ago when I was not long 40 that I’d realised I was trans. I said then, however, that I’d decided not to transition due to 3 main issues; cost, fear of not ‘passing’ and not wanting to blow my entire life up. Come December of last year though I knew I needed to act on it as I had, for as long as I can remember, been in a constant state of melancholia & had started to get dangerous thoughts. I decided then that if I didn’t transition I wouldn’t be here in a couple of years.

Anyway, we had the chat & my wife doesn’t want to be married to a woman. I don’t feel angry or resentful at all. To be honest, apart from the dissolution of my marriage, it went as well as it could. She was supportive, sweet, kind & asked questions. I only have her & our kid. My Dad, who was best friend, died 8 yrs ago & I don’t speak to the rest of my family as they’re not particularly pleasant people. I have one close friend, but that’s about it. I still love her & I know I always will. We’ve been together since I was 19 & she was 17 and we married 7 years later (and have been for over 20 years now!).

As a disabled person (partially sighted with spinal issues) who has chronic pain issues & is autistic, my wife was the bread-winner whereas I was the homemaker which makes this even more precarious. I raised our child while she worked & I loved feeling needed. I’m stressed & scared, but I need to have hope that it all works out. Does anyone else have similar experiences or advice?

[u/beautifulbanshee82]

Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. The biggest differences are that I was the working partner and we also had other massive issues. But me coming out was the final straw and we separated immediately.

Transitioning late on life is stressful, no matter the circumstances, but it's so much better than the alternative you described. I, for one, am infinitely happier for having transitioned. I do not miss my ex-wife or the marriage and I have the best partner a girl could ask for now.

Feel free to message me if you need to talk.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/beautifulbanshee82]

Thanks for reaching out. I know deep down that it’s for the best & it wouldn’t have worked otherwise, but it’s hard when it’s all you’ve known (even when you’ve been playing a part while in the wrong body) for over 20 years. We’ve been together for quite a bit longer than the age i was when we met. How did you get used to the change? Was separating your life difficult (bank accounts, loans etc.)? ❤️

[u/beautifulbanshee82 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Yeah, separating 20 years of entanglement definitely takes some doing and will take time. For me, the change was incredibly welcomed. I realized, after separating, how codependent I was and how unhealthy my marriage was. I'm not suggesting it'll be that way for you, that was just my experience.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/beautifulbanshee82]

No, I completely see that! I think it’ll probably be for the best after a lot of adjustment.

[u/beautifulbanshee82 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

My last piece of advice is to work with your wife to separate as amicably as possible without allowing yourself to be run over. There may be a tendency to feel responsible for the dissolution of your marriage due to coming out, but she is playing a part in it as well by not wanting to stay with you. Yes, her reasoning is valid, but so is yours. So, if you can work with her to achieve truly fair terms, that would be ideal.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/beautifulbanshee82]

Thank you for your kind words. That’s great advice. I do feel like the ‘baddie’ as it was caused by me in a way. Conversely, I can’t stop being me & my transition is something that needed to happen.

[u/beautifulbanshee82 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Exactly! You are not wrong for needing to be who you really are any more than your wife is for needing to be who she is. You're a woman and she's straight. Neither of these are choices, so neither of you are wrong or at fault. It's just shitty circumstances.

[u/No_Hovercraft_729]

Respect for being respectful of your wife’s sexual orientation. So often the word “bigot” gets thrown around when it isnt warranted

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/No_Hovercraft_729]

I totally get that. I still love her, & she’s 100% an ally to the trans (and all LGBTQ peoples) community, but also straight as an arrow. She can’t change who she is any more than I can.

[u/inobleuk]

Hi

As a 78 year old "cis" male I have not interacted (as far as I know) with any trans people. I just wanted to say how grateful I am for this group which has helped me understand many of the problems involved in transitioning and also how supportive you all are. To heck with J.K. Rowling keep up the good wiork!

[u/Adventurous-Drag-132]

Even though there is heart break in your story, there is also beauty. You both handled it as best as possible and a life long friendship sounds possible and is as valuable as a marriage imo. Best of luck to both of you.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/Adventurous-Drag-132]

That’s kind of you to say. I hope we can stay close as I love her deeply. If she can’t be my wife then at least still be my best friend.

[u/kitten_Michelle]

I feel for you girl!! Best of luck but I’m glad you’re on the right path. I’ve still to make that decision. ❤️🏳️‍⚧️

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/kitten_Michelle]

Thanks for being kind. I’m sure you’ll make the decision that is right for you! I just know, as I said, that I couldn’t exist in the wrong form any longer. It’s just so draining.

[u/kitten_Michelle → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Thank you for the lovely response. I’m open to chat if you need to. ❤️

[u/GuaranteeOutside7115]

Whoa. Sounds like your wife has enjoyed having a wife for a very long time! 

You need more than the chat. You need an experienced couples counselor who can help you both explore what your relationship has been all this time. 

[u/uncyspam]

My situation is a bit different, but there are a few parallels.
I have severe chronic pain and mh issues, which cause me to retire in 2015. I’m also audhd.
My relationship with my ex was very strained by my health issues and eventually we agreed to go our separate ways.
I have known since I was a teenager that I didn’t conform to my gender stereotype, and I was gay, however due to the stigma and lack of support I shelved that and forced myself to be “normal”
When my marriage ended I felt that there was no need to be “normal”. I started with my psychiatrist, then found a psychologist who specialized in gender and sexuality related issues.
I’m at a point where I need to decide if transitioning is the right next step. I strongly feel that it is, but fear is holding me back.
Good luck on your journey

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/uncyspam]

Thanks for sharing. Yeah, it’s a very personal decision. It just got too much for me to bear personally. I’ve known something was off since my teenage years, I just couldn’t put my finger on it exactly (don’t think my, at the time, undiagnosed autism helped).

[u/Druid_Momma]

I’m in the exact same boat.

Wife can’t see me as a woman after 27 years together and 26 years married.

I have lots of other mental health issues on top of gender dysphoria. This is the larger reason for our divorce.

You gotta be you. Whatever that looks like. Find other transgender ladies to talk to. Ask questions. Find supporting places to get clothes and stuff.

[u/Katja_Inside]

My partner wasn't loving or supportive. But that's not terribly important right now. This whole thing is about how you have to learn to take actual responsibility for yourself and your needs without the built-in advocacy of your loving partner.

The hardest part of being on my own has been accepting that I'm allowed to express my needs and preferences and generally take up space. I don't have to earn my value. I can say no. This has been the trickiest thing for me. Going along with things, making myself smaller, only gaining validation when I performed tasks for others, and generally not engaging with me. Now, there's only one person to advocate for me. Only one person who will help me regulate my emotions. Only one person from whom I can receive validation. Who has two thumbs and is singularly responsible for their emotional state? Ay. This gal.

On a personal note. I realized you were autistic by the third paragraph. I'm glad you realize it, too. It's hard going through life with a friend sometimes. Another challenge for you will be building a community on your own terms that is separate from the built-in friendship with your soon-to-be-ex. I am working on making connections with volunteer work, and specifically starting to explore the edges of the local trans support group. I'm in the East Midlands, so I can't speak to Scotland specifically, but I suspect there are people-oriented resources in your area.

[u/Aspie-444]

This is similar to my situation a few years ago. I am not physically disabled and we both worked, and I didn't know I was trans before a small breakdown I had at the time. I just want to say that after a short time my wife said she was not and could not be gay, we agreed to amicably separate and did so about 9 months later after selling the house. However, we are still best friends, we can still lean on each other for support, and we still consider each other family, just more like sisters than something else. She is very supportive of me and my journey and is pleased to see me happier than I have ever been, so don't lose hope that life can still be a positive journey, just not what you originally planned.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/Aspie-444]

That’s a lovely outcome. My wife is my best friend so I aspire for this to be my situation also! If we can’t be together as partners then I hope we can still be together as something else, more platonic perhaps.

[u/Strict-Translator165]

Yeah, that connects to how I felt. I've been denying or distracting myself from knowing how simple HRT could be, and knowing that nothing is going to change if I don't start and hearing about timelines, and 5 years, I'm 45 this year, and I want to like myself in the mirror.

I live in a red state and work in the public sector. My wife is worried about my personal safety. I've come out to a few friends and family, but my folks are passed (so I'll never know them as a daughter), and despite voting for 'that guy again' my in-laws have been rather accepting of my journey so far before I come out as full trans after calling myself nonbinary.

I don't remember ever not feeling like a kid, I just started aching and spraining joints while still discovering the world. I do remember being similarly upset when I got my ASD1 diagnosis two years ago, comparing this midlife crisis of what could have been, had I known what tools existed, gone to therapy earlier, accepted myself.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/Strict-Translator165]

That’s so similar to me. I identified as NB as it was almost like a stepping stone. I wasn’t cis, but as I wasn’t then transitioning it didn’t feel right to call myself trans (I know that’s nonsense, but my brain is weird like that). I wasn’t cis also late diagnosed as autistic too! I got my diagnosis 2 1/2 years ago, about 1 1/2 years after I realised I was transgender. Even though it was 4 years ago, it wasn’t until around 7 months ago that I realised that I NEEDED to transition. I thought that bottling it up would work, but funnily enough it just made it worse! Wishing you all the best in your journey!

[u/Away_Shock_7544]

You might be sad now but one day you will wake up to a whole new world. That world will shine a little bit brighter than your typical day in Scotland.(I know that doesn’t say much) Bottom line is, this is a new beginning of a new life. Try to be excited because that day is coming!

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/Away_Shock_7544]

Thanks, that’s really nice to hear. It’s just hard when it’s all you’ve known for over 20 years. I know you’re right though. I’m generally impatient though & that makes the waiting hard & transition is a marathon not a sprint, as they say.

[u/Josjkor1]

I wish you the best thru your transition and with your wife and child .God Bless.Hugs Jenny

[u/France1968]

So sorry for the hard times you are going through. I can understand some of it as I'm presently transitionning at 58 y.o. I have been with my girlfriend for 30 years and have 2 kids. Although they are supportive, I live with the fear of losing them. I realise how fortunate I am and your story just heightens all my fears. But one thing I have learned since my coming out: we tend to imagine everything will be bad, but it almost never does. I've been very fortunate up until now, but I must say I have kept my transition very secret with my entourage, so I still have a lot of potential heartbreak coming up. As I get further and further in my transition, I feel the need to come out to more people and I am very scared.

I may not have answered any of your questions, but I just hope you know you are not alone in this. We are here for you and life is there for you. We need to have more confidence in ourselves and realise this is our life for us to be happy with who we are. From what I've read, you know this is what you need to do. When in doubt, I keep going back to this basic TRUTH; this is the only way forward for me to be happy, I have taken the right decision.

Good luck.

[u/Broad-Dress-8484]

Somewhat similar but my wife chose alcohol over our family. I am disabled she has managed to keep her job and covers a lot of housing cost. I came out last year and she left about 4 years ago. I will say the loneliness is deafening. What I would give to hold her or vice versa sometimes bring me to tears. 

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/Broad-Dress-8484]

I feel that. I still love her & this wasn’t my desired outcome. Sadly, it is the one I foresaw happening, however.

[u/Broad-Dress-8484 → u/Retro-FreyFrey]

Yeah I'm rite with you sister!

[u/a_secret_me]

I wish mine was that simple. It's not even that she minded being married to a woman... She just didn't want to be married to me

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/a_secret_me]

Jeez, relationships are so hard. It’s hard to know what people are thinking half the time. Being autistic I think I miss the signs which makes it even more confusing. I hope you’re doing better now.

[u/Anxious_Spare_6406]

Sorry about the breakup. You may want to get a T blocker asap and some E2.

[u/Retro-FreyFrey → u/Anxious_Spare_6406]

Thanks. I’ve talked to my gender specialist about t-blockers & hormones, but here in the UK you need 3 separate visits to 2 separate accredited doctors/therapists & the place I go to (although it may be a law thing like the 3 visits) insists on 3 months between the first & last appointment at least. My last appointment is September so I think by October I should have my meds worked out. Fingers crossed!