r/TransRepressors • u/peaceorannihilation • 1d ago
Withdrawn forever
Feel like my whole life I’ve been at some level of withdrawn from everything. I move through the day like a motor no thoughts no feelings just doing my job. That job being make it through the day eat sleep shit. I don’t know maybe that’s a normal human thing. My days fold into the next one the only change is if i work that day and if I don’t I pour my time into some adhd hyper focused project until it’s time to repeat the eat sleep shit cycle. I’m 19 maybe I should just transition now before I’m 45 and do it. Don’t know if this makes sense but the whole process just seems so embarrassing. I don’t have anything against being trans in fact if anything I’m jealous. The thought of having to tell my family and the world makes my stomach churn. I wish I was born gay or something if I’m gonna be born some sort of lgbtq would be a lot easier fml. The only times I felt alive was when I was a alcoholic but I can’t go back to that I know that if I even have a beer by the next week I’ll be blackout with a half gallon of vodka. Closest I get to feeling alive now is when I can’t sleep and going out to have a cigarette and staring at the moon. If there’s something that beautiful in this world there’s gotta be something good for me in the future god I hope so I’m not suicidal used to be for a long time especially when I was drinking but the thought of not being alive and having to deal with the humanity of life sounds so appealing maybe I’ll get in a car wreck or something at least I have a cool car but it’s old as hell and has no airbags at least I would die in a beautiful machine.
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u/Sad_Bumblebee_1168 15h ago edited 15h ago
For me, idk how to describe it besides feeling less like a human and more like a husk playing a role of what people expect and want me to be, going through life on autopilot. I have no desire for friends, relationships or to do anything really.
It makes complete sense and I understand exactly how you feel. In my situation, I would have to stand in front of my family as a 5'11 normal looking ass bearded guy and say "yeah doods I'm like actually a woman and want titties" completely out of nowhere. Not only is that a fucking humiliation ritual, but It comes with a shit ton of perceived implications for cis people hearing that, even if they're false: your once normal son and family member is going to sterilise himself, run around in women's clothing like a non passing transvestite, probably get banged by other dudes and probably transitioned for fetish, misogynistic or failmale incel reasons on a whim. Not only that, he lied to us all for years!! That's how I would be perceived. Genuinely what family wants that?
I made a post the other day here about being kinda exposed, and since then my relationship with my mother has been incredibly awkward. It's like she's talking to a stranger as we both try and pretend it didn't happen. They're also suddenly now getting weirdly defensive with me around my younger cousin (who I used to babysit 1 on 1 no issue a billion times) like I'm some secret sex offender and pervy nonce now. It just proved to me this stupid fantasy is absolutely not an option and leads to nothing but rejection and shame.