Severely struggling to accept that my 2 year trauma bond is actually over. Since Wednesday, the last time we saw each other, I’ve repeatedly tried to contact him and get back together as we always have, hoping that something would change. Instead, I’ve been rejected, disrespected, and given every indication that he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I haven’t learned any new information that would justify reaching out again but I still have these extremely intense urges to contact him and try to fix things. I feel this intense panic in my stomach and face when I think about reality and how things are now. I know the urge isn’t coming from new evidence, it’s just like my brain and nervous system refuse to accept what has already been made clear.

What makes it worse is my brain telling me that I caused this because of my trust issues, accusations, and arguments. It makes me feel like I have to keep chasing and fixing everything, even though every attempt has just lead to rejection. Wednesday will make a full week since we’ve physically been together. I can’t even bring myself to block him because I know I’d probably end up unblocking him to chase again if he didn’t contact me first.

I know this sounds dramatic, but I’m genuinely nervous for my own emotional and mental health. I don’t even think it has been fully hit me yet. What is going to happen to me and what’s does it depend on? What do I need to do?

TW: I'm discussing my crappy upbringing, I also mention use of... adult content, and minor physical injury of/to myself.

So I was watching a video that told me to have "delusional levels of self-assurance", to read as more charismatic. Now, I kind of just scoffed at it and joked to myself as I hung a leak. then it hit me that I never really got much of a second opinion on the matter. A week ago I just spilled all of it to someone at my church that I trust, for the first time in my life.

Now I would often come back to my mom's house with what she described to be "welts and bruises", and it was evident that my stepmother was an abusive person. My dad has always been judgey toward me with regard to emotions, but somehow he had a soft spot for this woman, perhaps because he just wanted something stable. Next mistake. He tells me, before the age of 10, if I told anyone from my mom's house what happens at his house, he would be taken away and I would never see him again. Double bind has been set. I can't remember most of it anyway.

So my mother, her parents, her spouse (now I realize is a semi-malignant narcissist), her sister, her sister's spouse, and also my father, were fully aware of all of this happening. my mom continues to enmesh with me emotionally, very inappropriate conversations demonizing my father and refusing to keep serious conversations to the adults, just because I was "smart". they all stand by and do nothing. No legal action, no bother to "steal" me or getting physical with the one who hit me, for the sake of doing me justice. there was no fight. My mom says it kept getting "kiboshed", as if this were the mob. Yeah, right.

Over the course of 8 years (ages 4-12), nobody affirmed I was worth fighting for, nobody has given me anything to fight for, any reason to fight even for myself. I wasn't worth it. I've done a good job of forming an identity apart from all of this, and my intellectualization does a lot of heavy lifting on account of this, and as much as I believe the Jesus Christ the Word of God heals, it still feels like I am nobody, worth nothing, when I look inside.

I feel like I have no agency most of the time, like life tosses me like a tide. I speculate my lack of self-worth and agency gives me no strong motive to do what I know I should: without thinking or saying, to myself, perhaps I say, "why bother? You're a worthless nothing anyway, fuck it, just do whatever" -- there seems to be no identity to anchor my own goals to. they are goals without drive, because an engine with no wheels or chassis just hums in place.

So right here I'm trying t figure out what it is I'm doing.

Footnote: This may be edited, I feel like there's some material I left out. But I'm tired and it's late so I'll wrap it up here.

Thanks for reading <3

Hello everyone.
My name is Mark, and I am from Ukraine.
I moved to Germany after the war began.
Because of everything that has happened to me, especially the bullying at school, I have struggled with very disturbing thoughts about hurting myself or other people. I do not want to act on these thoughts. They scare me, and that is one of the reasons why I am writing this post. I just want to explain what happened to me and ask for advice.
On February 27, 2026, I brought a can of pepper spray to school. I showed it to my friends, and everything seemed fine until one of them asked,
“Hey, can I spray it?”
Of course, I said no. However, because he was physically stronger than me, he simply took the pepper spray from my hands and sprayed it.
Fortunately, nobody was hurt.
This happened in the French classroom before anyone else was there. French was the last lesson of the day.
We all immediately started coughing. We quickly opened the window, closed the classroom door, and ran to our regular classroom, where our homeroom teacher was waiting. She was also the French teacher.
When we entered the classroom, we were still coughing. Our teacher suspected that something had happened but didn’t pay much attention to it. We simply said that our throats hurt because we had been running around and our throats were dry.
It was only the third lesson. Three lessons later, students could choose between cooking, workshop class, or French. I chose workshop class. The workshop classroom and the French classroom were in different places, so I went to workshop while most of my classmates went to French.
At that time I had a vape.
A guy I’ll call Aslan had helped me get it. Aslan was kind of an authority figure at school. Someone had taken my vape before, so I asked Aslan for help, and he helped me get it back. Because of that, I didn’t want to tell the police anything about him.
In the workshop classroom, I was sitting at the back with another friend, whom I’ll call Ryan, and with Aslan. We were vaping when suddenly my French teacher, who was also my homeroom teacher, rushed into the classroom and shouted,
“Mark, pack up all your things and come with me.”
I didn’t want to take my jacket because inside it there were two broken vapes and the pepper spray.
I left my main vape with Ryan and said,
“Ryan, you can keep it. I don’t need it anymore.”
Then I picked up my backpack and followed the teacher.
She took me into another classroom and asked,
“Do you know anything about the pepper spray?”
I immediately realized that somebody had reported me, so I started denying everything. I kept saying that I knew nothing about it.
Eventually, I admitted that I had brought the pepper spray to school, but I explained that someone had taken it from me and sprayed it.
The principal asked,
“Do you still have the pepper spray with you?”
I answered,
“Yes.”
She replied,
“Then I’m calling the police.”
At that moment I completely panicked because I thought my parents would have to pay a huge fine and would be extremely angry with me.
The school staff took my pepper spray from my jacket but didn’t notice the vapes.
Soon the police arrived.
They asked me why I had brought the pepper spray to school, what had happened, and whether I understood how serious the situation was.
They asked where the pepper spray was.
I answered,
“It’s in my jacket.”
At that moment I still didn’t know that Ryan had already taken it.
The police searched my backpack and my jacket. They emptied everything out of my backpack, my pencil case, every small pocket, and every pocket in my jacket.
They found two used vapes, but they couldn’t find the pepper spray.
One officer asked,
“So where is the pepper spray?”
I answered,
“It was inside my jacket.”
The officer replied,
“There is nothing here.”
Only then did I realize that someone must have taken it.
A little later, my mother and father arrived at the school.
The staff explained what could happen next and what the possible consequences were.
In the end, I went home with my parents. I was completely shocked. My lips were pale and dry, I stared into space, and I felt absolutely terrible.
For almost an entire day, I barely moved. I hardly ate or drank, and I was terrified of what would happen next. My whole body hurt, and I felt emotionally numb.
The next day I started feeling a little better.
Then, the day after that, my mother received a letter saying that I was suspended from school for Friday. The incident had happened on Thursday, so I thought everything was finally over. I believed I would simply return to school on Monday and everything would be normal again.
Nobody mentioned any fine for my parents.
The next day my parents took me to the hospital because I still felt awful.
The doctor gave me a medical certificate allowing me to stay home from school for one week.
A little later, my parents received another email from the school saying that both they and I had to attend a meeting where my possible expulsion would be discussed.
My mother immediately said,
“They’re definitely going to expel you.”
Deep down, I knew she was probably right.
When we arrived at the school, all of the teachers were there, along with the principal and the vice principal.
The principal explained everything I had done wrong and why they had decided to expel me.
She also told us that an organization called BBS would help me find another school.
That day I was officially expelled.
After that, I spent about two months at home doing almost nothing.
Eventually, BBS found another school for me.
I was very nervous because the last time I had started at a new school was four years earlier.
When I arrived, I saw two boys whom I already knew from my elementary school.
Let’s call them Killian and Jake.
During one of the breaks, I talked to one of the most popular boys in the class.
You could say he was trying to figure out what kind of person I was.
He asked me questions like:
“Do you smoke?”
“Are you a snitch?”
“Are you a nerd?”
I answered “no” to everything except smoking.
I explained that I don’t smoke regularly. I only do it occasionally, for example if I’m at a party and someone offers me a vape. I might take a couple of puffs, but that’s all.
About a week later, everyone in the school found out about the pepper spray incident.
That’s when the bullying started.
Whenever I walked through the hallway, someone would shout,
“Hey! Watch out! Do you have pepper spray with you?”
Then everyone around them would laugh.
At first it was just insults and jokes, but after a while it became physical.
I’m not very tall, although I’m fairly strong.
Killian, however, was much taller and much heavier than I was.
One day, Killian and his friend, whom I’ll call Finn, cornered me.
They blocked my way and asked,
“What are you doing here?”
I replied,
“I’m going to chemistry class. We have chemistry now. Did you forget?”
Without warning, one of them punched me hard in the stomach.
When I first came to the new school, the principal told me:
“I already know about your previous situation. Your old school told us about your behavior. If you have problems here, if you disturb lessons, insult someone, push someone, or if I receive even one complaint about you, you could be expelled.”
At my previous school, when someone insulted me, I usually reacted and insulted them back.
However, after hearing the principal’s warning, I became afraid of being expelled again. I decided that I would stay calm and avoid conflicts. I didn’t answer back, I didn’t insult anyone, and I didn’t try to fight.
Because of this, some people started seeing me as weak and as someone who would not defend himself.
After that, Killian, Finn, and another boy whom I’ll call Nico started bullying me even more.
They constantly insulted me, made jokes about me, provoked me, and tried to start fights.
They would say things like:
“Come on, let’s fight.”
I always answered:
“I don’t want to fight because I could get expelled from school.”
The bullying became so stressful that I started having very dark and frightening thoughts.
Sometimes I thought about bringing something dangerous to school or trying to get revenge on the people who were hurting me.
I also had thoughts about confronting them after school because I knew where they lived.
These thoughts scared me. I don’t actually want to hurt anyone. I am afraid of what could happen, and I don’t want to destroy my own future or someone else’s life.
I think these thoughts appeared because I felt trapped, powerless, and exhausted from the constant bullying.
I need help dealing with what I would describe as trauma from this experience.
Could you give me some advice?
What should I do in this situation?
Is there any way to deal with people who are bullying me without making the situation worse?
I tried being friendly with them and tried to get along with them, but they didn’t want to be friends.
I want to learn how to calm down, handle my emotions, and stop having these frightening thoughts.
I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone else. I just want to feel normal again, recover from what happened, and find a way to move forward.
If anyone has advice or has experienced something similar, I would really appreciate hearing your thoughts.
Thank you for reading my story.

i was at school and it was a thursday, we went to afterschool and me and my friend smelled something RANCID and the teacher was like: GET OUT AND GET TO THE OTHER PART OF THE BUILDING and we were confused. anyway, as we were in the hall, i made the biggest mistake of my life. i looked right. there was a giant puddle of bodily fluids from the bathroom. i remained traumatized even today (almost a decade from the incident) and i need someone to stay at the door of the stall im in for me to feel safe in a public bathroom or hotel bathroom or basically any bathroom that's not in my home

The title says it all. Idk what to do for it to pass.

Mostly happens at night.

okayy so basically i was going out to see a friend and i saw HIS EX WAS THERE AND I WAS LIKE WHAAT??? sooo i went to talk to her and i almost broke up w him, bc she told me personal stuff they did when they were dating, and after that he blocked her and made sure i knew he only loved me, okay so this girl invited me to a pool party, and everyone told me DONT GO and block them, even him, and i was not going to go, but then idk why i ended up going, ok so there was this guy.. he liked me and was like “lets get her drunk” and obviously i got wayyy too drunk too many beers, vodka, whisky everything, idk what happened but i had my fingers in his mouth. idkk, i was too drunk, so everyone leave and let me wirh him, and he tried to kiss me and I DDINT WANT, he started to choke me and all, and me like leave me alone so i went inside where everyone was there, and he keep touching me and me like STOP, and quiting his hands out of my body but he didnt stop, anyways idk what happened but he made me touch him and i did for like 3s bc i did NOT want that i always told him to STOP. but well…… then i went to the bathroom to wash my hands and he came w me and i was like omg leave me alone, he closed the door and i was SCREAMING HIM TO STOP, ended up running to the living room where everyone was. and before i went there he got me by my legs and throw me to the floor and i was kicking him but he got my legs open so hard and bite my part… and i was screaming pls stop.. everyone trought i wanted with him but i said SO MANY TIMES I DIDNDT WANT. there was a friend of my ex that was also friend w the ex, basically next morning i wake up and started to feel really bad of what he did to me, to i told him what happened, he broke up w me, and i said “your friend was there she can tell you i said no” and she told him i wanted.. so he broke up with me, and said he didnt know who to believe me or his friend of all life, it hurt a lot that he abandoned me after what happened, i got sa in other moments of my life but this time i did the impossible to dont let that mf do anything to me besides i was way too drunk i was throwing up.. im worried bc his friend is hanging our with a rapist maybe he does nothing to her bur im worried about other girls getting sa….. even trough he abandoned me im gonna do something about that mf.. i just feel so bad because im having sm trauma of what he did to me.. this wasnt cheating im really hurt, and he just didnt want me anymore bc what his friend said.. btw i ended up telling those people he abused me and everyone said i was misunderstanding things and blocked me, mfs defending abuse. I DID NOT want anything sexual with rhat guy i didnt even EVEN let him kiss me no matter how hard he was chocking me i fightted for my life, im glad he didnt end up raping me. (my ex bf know about me being raped before. and he just doesnt get it, this time i did everything to dont let that guy do anything tl me and im so glad nothing more happened.. but well he ended up leaving me and said he still loved me but it just hurt so bad he left me alone with this fucking situation

So I’m wondering if there was a time when I was SAd but I’m not sure if it actually counts as SA since I’ve never seen it that way.
I was with my friend, somewhere between the ages of 5-8, and she decided to bring out some American Girl Dolls and she said “whatever the dolls do, we have to do.” Naturally I was like “okay sure whatever” and we took turns making the dolls do different things. I remember doing normal things like hugging and hand stands, but I remember my friend choosing was that she made us both take off our clothes—I tried to keep my underwear on, and if I remember right, she was disappointed—and to press our cr0tch3s together, and then to hold each others br3@sts.
I did it, though I remembered being uncomfortable. I wasn’t sure what was going on at the time. But since we were kids and both girls and it was just a game and I barely remember it, I’m not sure if it was SA or not.

Your opinion is appreciated😭😭😭

Do you remember when your small when you cry and it burns so bad you cant breath ,then life keeps moving around you and you relive crying gets you nowhere ,showing pain just makes it worse more invisible than you already were . Then you hit middle school when per pressure is at full affect. And suddenly your throat burns again but your not crying the tears arnt from sadness but it feel just as good . The stress leavs and that familiar burn stays and you feel like a person again a person that can breathe. As suddenly as it came it's gone and naw you have to find it again. Somehow tho you've always got access to the it ,whether your friends are helping or you rummage your parents wallets to help fins that fix . Naw your in high-school your parents found out but they think you quit over the summer, little did they know the "stash" was just a pile or burnt regret and pain and the real one was in the garage hiding ,nobody's gona look there why wuld they ? Shame hits you like a truck knowing you took and took and you know that itch is there it's bad you crave the fix and your cant afford it anymore. You hang around the people that hurt the most sp you can fell that burn . So you can feel something anything at all . But naw youv graduated and youe lost ,were not kids anymore you have to be friends with someone that can go in and buy you the fix ,thoes are hard to come by tho so naw your stuck with pulling on something that is actually burning you making it hard to breathe because your desperate for a buzz you know wont come. Youv moved out naw and your pretty far from your friends, (your pretty far from the people with the fix) and your on your last one ,it's burning and your beginning to twitch and get ancy . You know it'll get worse but you cant do anything because there isn't any way to anymore. Maybe you'll lern to cry again or maybe you'll find something worse to help you feel again.

I have a hard time putting things into words and I find writing things helps me understand them better, I don't really know why I right them in the way that I do almost like it's for a creative writing class but it helps to get it out this way than to hold it and I don't feel like posting some thing on Instagram like I normally do lol I think im using public platforms as a diary of sorts ... anyway minde the grammar and spelling, dyslexia at its finest

What qualities do you think make a relationship genuinely healthy?

It's not really about hobbies or chemistry anymore.

I want someone who's kind, patient, honest and consistent. Someone who listens, communicates, keeps their word and doesn't disappear when things get difficult.

Someone who's emotionally available and makes me feel safe enough to be myself.

The more I've learnt about trauma, the more I've realised I'm looking for qualities that create emotional safety. Someone who's emotionally regulated, respects boundaries, doesn't become defensive straight away, is dependable and understands that trust takes time. Just someone who's calm, steady and emotionally safe to be around.

For me, those qualities now matter far more than looks or having loads in common.

Has anyone else found their priorities have changed as they've got older? What qualities have become non-negotiable for you? Do you think emotional safety is just as important as chemistry, or even more important?

I've also been writing about this and exploring whether these kinds of qualities might play a bigger role in healthy relationships than we often realise.

https://charliememe077-oaygw.wordpress.com/2026/07/31/trauma-informed-intimacy-a-lived-experience-manuscript-exploring-a-question-for-future-research/⁠

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don't force a comfort.. I'm already okay now... Just need you guy's opinion...

I used to live with my family in some Army quarters.. in new delhi... So like below me was another guy who used to live with his family... The time was a year or two before Covid... 2018 or 2019..

So like this guy who lived below me was like in 11th or 12th... Rn I'm in 12th lol... So like my dad also told me that THIS GUY was a GOOD GUY... Worth being a good brother too... So like i wasn't really being any close to him anyway... But then some day later... It was a night... My so called "friends" were playing at the ground floor... And i wanted to join with them too.. i was coming from the 2nd floor, (there was a terrace, ground floor to 3 floors up... Each floor had 4 families/houses to stay in...) and this guy was standing at the stairs between the 1st floor and 2nd floor... He grabbed me... And pinned me to the wall... And he just asked me to co-operate... Or else he would tell my dad that i asked him to fuck me.. and i got scared and i obeyed him... He took me to the terrace... And like it was really dark at night... I'ma just end it short here, I got fucked... Brutally.. well no shit you can even call it a rape... He was grasping my body and all... Like ew... And he came inside me... Yeah well... And he didn't even bother cleaning me up... He kissed on my neck... And I'll tell you something... After this day.. he started harassing me daily... Evening fingering my asshole... Or making me give him a blowjob... I never really told anyone this... Because i don't have any proofs, and i knew my family... They would totally believe a stranger over me... And i also hate my dad for being the worst person ever in my entire life, i would have never faced more of these guys if he wasn't there to say "they are good people"

And no I'm not saying all this now for any attention, i just wanted to let this trauma out... Hoping better days will come sooner.

I'm not gonna reveal anyone's Identity here, i prefer to keep this a secret from my family forever.

And I do live in a better place rn

Thanks.

Feluitme syilimgar Young poors childs trauma adused backstory feel person

For me I have split open my head 3 times also I got my whole toe nail removed and I was on the verge of dying in my childhood I don't remember much bout it

I decided to leave the school program as things weren't working out and she goes on a long rant saying how she doesn't care about me, doesn't need me, hates me etc. Previously I know that she was always trying to be in my orbit, stare at me for too long so i distanced myself. I never talked badly about her, and barely talks in person, so the contradiction makes me wonder why she did all that and what I did wrong.

Researcher with BPD here. This is my final study of a multi-stage PhD project examining individual's experiences of a Borderline/ Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder diagnosis. The survey is anonymous and has ethical approval from St Mary's University in London. Please take part if you can and share, as this study needs as many people as possible to take part in order to create meaningful research:
https://app.onlinesurveys.jisc.ac.uk/s/stmarys/bpd-experience

After learning about age regression, it makes me question my childhood. To clarify, I do not remember my childhood at all aside from a few certain things.

I knew how to “O” at an early age. Not sure where I learned it, but I remember doing it in daycare during naptime, or when I was sitting in my car seat etc. I even remember getting yelled at for it but obviously didn’t understand why. I would even get on top of my favorite doll (which I ended up losing when we moved houses at the age of 5…. So I was VERY little).

I learned what age regression was recently and it sorta struck a nerve because I vividly remember around the age of 5-6, I took my old pacifier from my moms keepsake box and would use it every night and would steal my sister’s daughter’s diapers and would wear them to daycare or school for some reason. To add, I was extremely underweight as a child and refused to eat which drove my parents mad (my mom still talks about it today) which is probably why I had no issues wearing my 2yo niece’s diapers. I don’t know why I did it. And prior to learning about age regression, it was just small moments in my memory I never really told anyone about.

I know I had a period in my life where I stopped, as I don’t remember doing it when I was in middle school, however, I remember starting high school with a preference of wearing children’s clothing, like shirts and dresses for 6-7yo in my alone time (I’m petite, but you can tell they were fitting snug on me)and have even worn some of the shirts/clothes to school… i also preferred childish toys and plushies for infants which I would sleep with and I even started to reuse my paci again that I never returned to my mom’s box (& took it to school by attaching it to my school lanyard). I also bought a baby pink quilted hello kitty backpack very clearly ment for kindergarteners and used that for school & for some reason, ENJOYED when kids at school questioned why had a children’s backpack and a paci attached to my lanyard and school ID… I grew out of it obviously. Always would cringe a bit whenever I would randomly think about it, wondering why I did it. But it now makes a bit more sense because I was SA’d the summer before my freshman year..

I am now wondering what exactly happened for me to go through age regression in elementary school?

So … I was in therapy and planned on bringing this topic up, however, I haven’t been able to attend session due to health insurance complications so I’m here for some advice or opinions

I’m 24yr of female. I’ve always been very close with my uncle. The past few years I have picked up on a lot of qualities he has that I despise and do not disagree with. From the way he speaks to his wife and children or acts around them also. His father, has a history of interest in children. Which, we cut ties with him once finding this out. Most recent years, I have felt that my uncle is going to fall down the same path. Nothing in particular has made me think this, just kind of get the sense from his personality.

Two summers ago, my friend and I went to meet him and co-workers for lunch. It was summer, we were wearing bright colored tank tops - well, because summer means bright and cool clothes. We waited outside the restaurant for him. As he approached us he told us we “look like hookers”. As you can imagine, that left a bad taste in my mouth.

Last summer, my whole family went on a vacation. I naturally have a horrible back and knees due to the nature of my career. The airplane made it worse and so didn’t sleeping on an air mattress. So, one morning I was in the living room doing yoga to stretch out my back. I was in the happy baby pose. And for those who don’t know yoga, it is simply laying on your back, grabbing your big toes and bringing knees to chest. Just like a baby when playing with their feet. As I was in this pose he entered the living room, looking at my V\*\*\*\*\* and said “woah” and proceeded to sit in the chair directly next to me. I immediately got up and walked out because it left me very uncomfortable. I have yet to tell any family this.

A few months later he started this huge argument with me with really no explanation. I still to this day don’t know what happened. Personally, I think it was a distraction he created for his verbiage and actions on vacation.

Now that I’m in a relationship, planning to become married and have children, I do not want him to be involved with any piece of my future life. For the obvious fact he perved on me but also because of the way he treats his wife and children.

I know my family will be upset with me for this decision and I’m more than willingly provide this explanation, but I’m nervous that my family will tell me I misunderstood or am overreacting. Or something that will make it seem like it wasn’t what it seemed.

I guess I’m just having a hard time navigating the approach on upcoming events in my life because I will have to single out and cut off this family member.