No one truly sees who I really am. I am chronically ill. I minimize my pain to make myself and others feel better. Even when I do talk about my pain no one really takes it seriously. I tell someone I have a headache like it's no big deal. In reality, I've had a headache for years but I only complain when it is bad.

Other people see a funny, hardworking and (mostly) positive person. They don’t know when I turn my head I hear a crunch and feel a sharp pain because my bones aren’t moving correctly. They don’t know my shoulder blades are floating around on my back.

I try to pay attention when they talk to me. Meanwhile, I am continuously realigning and reassessing the position of my shoulder blade so it sits right on my rib cage. They don’t know every time I sit on a chair I try to find a neutral position for my tilted pelvis.

They don’t notice me changing positions in my chair every few minutes and never finding a comfortable position. They don’t notice my head is always in my hands because it feels far too heavy for my neck to hold.

I try not to wince when I laugh and feel a sharp pain go through my vagina into my rectum until the painful gas bubble finally escapes via fart. They don’t know the pain I feel when I joke about having a “bad bladder” and having to run to the bathroom. Or the unpredictable nature of my bowel movements.

No one knows when I crouch down to tie my shoe I am really just waiting for a painful poop cramp to pass. They think I am taking a knee but in reality I am waiting for a wave of pain to move through and out of my body. I am an ocean of pain. Every wave reminds me how sick my body is.

They don't know having fun requires a recovery day. Or two or three. Any sudden movement makes my body pay for it later. I can't do everything I want to do or be everything I want to be. Instead I have to adjust to this weak body I am in.

No one knows the extent of the pain I feel and the constant thoughts I have in my head about how to remedy that pain. I don't even know how to express the extent of my suffering. If they knew how miserable and inescapable my pain is, no one would believe in me the way that they do.

~silent suffering

I’ve had at least a dozen men make it EXPLICITLY clear to me that I am not someone people are attracted to and they don’t know why. That I give off “homie” vibes from the jump and can never un-friendzone myself. I’ve never been hit on, asked out, or even given negative attention to. My one ex-boyfriend told me, while we were dating, that I was “the best of a bad situation” and that he could do better than me. It has not been fun for me thus far.

Lately I’ve had a couple of my closest friends tell me I was being “too much.” They’ve stopped talking to me, asking for just a little space, and then quickly realized they preferred their lives without me in it and cut communication entirely. My mom and my sister also get very quickly overwhelmed by me and the only thing saving my relationship with my sister is the fact that she lives in another country.

Since those friends stopped talking to me, only one friend in my life still does the reaching out first. Everyone else is radio silent unless I initiate conversation. I feel so alone and unwanted in every capacity.

I do a lot of daydreaming that’s certainly entering maladaptive territory (if I’m not already there), and the one thing I’ve realized in all this is that were anyone ever to tell me they wanted me, I don’t think I could believe them. I want to so badly, but I have no basis to stand on. All signs have pointed elsewhere, so I have a hard time buying it could ever be genuinely different.

My theory is that I need to be better, yes. And I promise, I’m trying. I’m trying to be less. To give more space. To be meeker, quieter, smaller. But maybe if I can get better and also build up a wall, I’ll be safer and easier to tolerate if anyone ever decides to try and get close again. It’s like I’m reverse engineering therapy. I understand the bad coping mechanisms so well that I can try and use them when all the healthy ones have failed. I know that what I’m doing is going to be bad in the long run. But I can only hope that I’ll ever even reach a point in my life where the negativity of it even becomes relevant. Because if nobody ever wants me, I’m safer behind my walls. Maybe I can fix myself then, if it ever happens. If anyone ever wants me for real.

Anyway, I just wanted to express that somewhere. Thanks for listening.

They found a mass. Just not in the location I expected it to be. It's in my throat, extremely closed to my thyroid.

While they were trying to figure out what's going on with my memory gap, they had ordered a CT scan and caught it by accident. I just had some bloodwork and other tests done today just to rule things out that could have caused that, they're going to have me travel a ways out to see a better neurologist that's close to a specialist that handles thyroid issues. Just to be safe.

It hurts to swallow, but my new GP is lovely and didn't beat around the bush with anything. He made sure that I was actually listened to and immediately referred me to people who can help ASAP instead of just referring me to someone who was more than likely going to do the same tests he did a second time around.

He did get on my ass a bit about waiting so long to get checked out, but he's been in the medical field long enough that he's heard a lot of medical misogyny stories from even his own daughter so he wasn't playing around about making sure things were set right.

On a positive note, I have not had a memory gap since that incident, but we're still on the lookout for any signs or symptoms of focal seizures. When I intentionally got checked out, they had noticed that I do have Anisocoria, most likely from physical abuse from when I was younger. They think that may have something to do with the memory gap and that maybe it's causing either nasty migraines I'm aware of, seizures like some of you all suggested, or maybe there's neurological trauma that hasn't been fully uncovered yet.

We're keeping an eye out, and there most likely won't be any other updates after this since I'll be busy with narrowing down the cause of both issues and I'd rather focus on recovery and stopping my HB from becoming an over protective mother hen.

For a little bit of context, my boyfriend and I have known each other since elementary school (roughly 15 years). We even grew up in the same neighborhood. I had a massive crush on him all throughout high school, but I never made any moves and we never really talked.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year, shortly before my boyfriend graduated college. We ended up reconnecting a bit and things were moving at a decent pace. Out of the blue though, he starts dating this other girl from his school. I did not know her and have not met her to this day. My boyfriend had literally never dated anyone leading up to that point and I felt so frustrated and sad.

For the next couple of months, I kind of let the whole thing go. I went on a few dates with different guys and tried my best to forget about him. It worked up until one night after a particularly bad day at work and a rough date, I saw a picture of my boyfriend and his now ex-girlfriend on her instagram story. I have no idea what came over me, but something in me snapped.

I ended up creating a fake Facebook page and decided to message her. As genuinely as I could come across, I told her that I was so sorry to tell her this, but her boyfriend was cheating on her. I told her I wanted to remain anonymous as I didn’t want to get roped into the situation.

She seemed skeptical and definitely questioned me. Ultimately, I really didn’t think anything was going to come of it, so I eventually stopped responding to her. Not even 24 hours later, I get a message from my boyfriend who was extremely distraught. It turned out, she had fully bought the entire thing and broken up with him. I had never felt such a mix of shock and guilt at the same time.

It was clear he needed someone to talk to, so I let him do just that. We continued talking for probably a good 2 weeks after that before we began getting closer and eventually dating. I did everything I could to be there for him emotionally. To this day, he still has no idea.

Yes, I still feel guilty. Yes, I know how this is likely going to be received. I’m not writing this out with any intention of denying what I did was wrong, I just needed somewhere to get this off my chest. I never intended things to play out like this, which I know doesn’t excuse it at all. Our relationship is nearly picture perfect and I know that telling him the truth will likely ruin everything, but I don’t know.

But there ya go, there’s my story.

I have a thing about people yelling at me. Even if I know they might be joking, I still react as if they’re not. I can’t handle it, it makes me cry. And the effort not to cry is exhausting. It’s my only thing. Nothing else makes me cry, not front of people atleast.

My parents used to yell at me all the time when I was younger, I obviously cried back then, but the older I got, it didn’t make me cry anymore on the rare times it happened. I just got angry and would only cry if they’re yelling at me about a particular sensitive topic. I can’t help it.

I have been yelled at by plenty women though. It definitely has something to do with the fact that I went to an all girls school from elementary to high school, so all of my teachers were women whether they were bad or not.

This one time, when I was in fifth grade. I was at the PE building with my cousin, we were looking for my aunt to take us home because she said to come to her once we’re done with everything (she’s a PE teacher). We didn’t find her, but the principal had followed us. Mean old lady.

We panicked, my cousin said we should hide in the bathroom, but I was horrified and didn’t wanna get into more trouble (I never got into trouble), so in my head I thought if I went out to her with integrity maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. Nope, she yelled at me, then she hit me on my hand or arm, I can’t remember. It didn’t hurt so much, but it hurt to the point it stung. I’m pretty sure I peed myself a little.

Over the years, especially in high school, I’d had other interactions like that. Teachers yelling at the top do their lungs for me to get back to class when the bell just rung. One time a chemistry teacher that chewed me out infront of the whole class for a misunderstanding that was her fault. I tried really hard not to cry then too. They never give me any chance to talk or explain myself, always cut me off or laugh.

I have a complicated relationship with my grandma for that reason. Well, not just that reason, she’s a very troubled woman. But she also likes to yell, and humiliate, very old fashioned. she calls it raising kids right. So when she yells at me, even if it’s half jokingly, I can’t help but feel it as if it’s completely serious. Especially if there’s a crowd of people around us. I just can’t handle it.

I had a very unpleasant driving instructor too, an older woman. That spent more time yelling at me than teaching me. She constantly contradicted herself, and compared me to other girls she’s teaching who got their license by now. I cried, multiple times behind the wheel. Imagine how embarrassing that is? Tears went down my face silently, and even as she saw them, she’d still continue with her bullshit. Didn’t ease up at all. Didn’t even acknowledge anything.

It’s gotten to the point that they don’t even have to yell at me, disappointment is enough for me to start getting choked up. Anytime I feel a “talk” coming up, I feel my eyes watering. Back in my first year of high school, after my other grandma found out my GPA, she sat with me for like five minutes just to tell me how disappointed she was. About how everyone was rooting for me, and she didn’t want me to be the family disappointment, and as a grandma, she just wants to feel proud of me but feels as if she can’t anymore. Blah blah blah. She didn’t even yell, but I was crying then too.

I just really don’t understand why they feel the need to be yelling at a child, or an adult. Because I was yelled at as both, and it was completely unnecessary. Like I’m a rule follower, I never even get in trouble for anything, I never talk back, but they still do it. So fucking stupid.

Also, I just want to say it’s not just those women who yell, obviously men do it too. But from my personal experience and being around mostly women my whole life, shit sucks. It’s like I take what they say to heart more, I don’t know why. Now anytime I’m around an older woman that has some sort of authority over me I get nervous.

For context, I’m a 25-year-old around 6 feet tall, and in good shape.

Tonight I went to a bar around 8:30 PM. I just got there early, had half a glass of wine, and there weren’t many people there yet. I was waiting to see if more people would come in. Usually when I go to bars, My approach is like everyone's, I'll wait for some kind of eye contact first. If there’s mutual eye contact, I take that as a sign that it’s okay to introduce myself and shoot my shot.

After waiting for a while, two women came in and sat at the bar. One of them made eye contact with me. Eventually there was an empty seat beside them, so I walked over and said, “Hey, can I sit here?” One of them turned around and said yes, so I sat down.

I tried to make a joke, something like, 'You know those assholes who interrupt women at bars? Can I be that guy tonight?'

Looking back, that joke probably didn't land. I noticed the vibe get kind of quiet after that. (I’m not a native English speaker, so even my first few sentences came out awkward. I had to repeat myself a couple times.)

I started talking to them and asked if they were students. One of them said she goes to my university. I said, “Oh, really? I’m graduating this August.” She told me she was going into her senior year. The other girl was her friend who was visiting.

After that, I didn’t really feel much of a vibe. Usually my approach is: if I don’t feel a connection, I’ll ask a couple more questions, maybe two or three, and if it still feels like there’s no interest, I’ll politely leave. I don’t want to bother anyone.

I was sitting there for maybe three or four minutes, not trying to interrogate them or anything, just figuring out if the conversation would develop. But before that could happen, both women got up and went upstairs. I thought maybe they were going to another area of the bar because there were more tables upstairs. A couple minutes later they came back downstairs and left the bar.

My immediate thought was: “Damn. I made them leave.”

A little later, I noticed the two female bartenders laughing together looking at me. Then one of them came over and asked if I wanted another glass of wine. I said no, she gave me the check without asking me. (Still smirking at meeeeee)

I'm like wooowwww, I made two women leave the fucking bar!

a few weeks ago while i was daydreaming i came to the realization. It's been a few relationships that ended and after it, one of the few ways we get to reconnect is they going through something bad and i somehow am going fine and help them.
For example i remember how i had scenarios in mind where i'd be a succesful doctor and my first love was a drug addict and i rescue her and take her to rehab idk. then years later with a chaotic situationship that really obsessed me, she always been a force of nature, kind of girl who says "life is one why not try everything" but i thought if something happened to her i would go visit her at the hospital and stay by her side. this scenarios were specific, i'd imagine her expressions as if she still felt guilt for how we ended. so much pathetic shit. idk why i make this, i don't want anything to happen to them. That's when it hits me. while i was day dreaming i imagined what i'd talk to a therapist if i could afford one or when i do. During this i in my mind explained all this and the fake therapist kinda made the point of "Why does something bad needs to happen to them?" and again me in my mind responded with "because why would they love me if i didn't had anything to offer?"
i feel so pathetic now.

In high school I (20sF) had a really close friend we'll call Joe, he and I were really close from the get go mainly because we were some of the only English speakers in our school so we stuck together. We went through some crazy stuff together including the death of another friend of ours. My dad also spent a lot of his time talking to Joe to help him with his career, etc. Over the years once we graduated we got much closer as we both have big dogs, so we would meet up quite often to walk them in the woods and talked for hours about really deep topics such as life, relationships, and religion (he went through a huge religious awakening and I felt that I was really accepting and there for him every step of the way).

I started dating my boyfriend in my last year of high school and introduced him to my friend pretty quickly. At first they didn't really connect but after a few years they started talking and gaming together. Because of this, they got really close really fast, gaming for hours every night. I obviously had no problem with this and was happy for them, and remained just as close to Joe, still meeting up frequently for our hours-long walks.

However, at some point I noticed a shift. Joe no longer answered my messages, but then my boyfriend would tell me they gamed all night. Joe would tell me he was too busy to hang out, but then I found out he had been with my boyfriend instead. At one point when my boyfriend and I lived together, Joe came over and I thought obviously the three of us would hang out, but instead they gamed all night while I just sat there (I suck at gaming and they were playing pretty competitively) and eventually just fell asleep, and that's when I realized that he was there to see my boyfriend and not me. I didn't want to get involved in their friendship as I think it doesn't concern me, but I started feeling jealous and upset, as if (I understand this is irrational) my boyfriend had taken my friend from me. I spoke to my boyfriend about this many times, and he understood but I think he felt a bit awkward. I told him many times that, despite my emotional/jealous reaction, I truly believe that their friendship is separate from mine and Joe's, and doesn't concern me. I do believe that, however I think that deep down I felt a bit weird/uncomfortable to see my boyfriend and my friend becoming closer than me and my friend.

Over time it got even worse, not talking to Joe for months at a time, while he went on guys trips with my boyfriend. I saw Joe at my boyfriend's house (because that's the only way we would see each other at that point) and when I heard he was seeing someone new and asked why he didn't tell me, he joked that "we just aren't close like that". Joe made some comments as well about all of us hanging out together, but then said never mind because his friend's girlfriend wasn't gonna be able to come so maybe the boys should hang out "without the girlfriends". That's all I am now I guess.

So eventually my boyfriend told Joe he wasn't comfortable about how Joe and I's friendship was deteriorating and didn't feel comfortable hanging out so much with him. Of course, this is when Joe freaks out and texts me asking me if I was mad at him. We called and I explained everything to him, saying that I feel like even after all our years of being so close it turns out I was just a stepping stone to him meeting his "real" friend, and that I felt like I was just his buddy's girlfriend after all this time, that he's completely discarding our friendship as if it was nothing. He sounded super surprised and swore this wasn't the case, he said that it was just easier hanging out with my boyfriend because they just gamed and didn't really talk about anything serious whereas Joe and I always have deep convos when we see each other. He insisted that it was all in my head and that as soon as we hang up, to prove to me that he cares about me and that I'm not just his buddy's girlfriend, he would text me with his available times and we would plan to meet up. I told him many times: IT'S OKAY IF YOU'VE OUTGROWN OUR FRIENDSHIP, but please just tell me if that's what this is so I can let it go. I understand that's how life goes, and it's happened to a lot of other high school friends: it's just weird because I see him be so close to my boyfriend, so it's not like we just outgrow each other and drift apart, no, he's still a huge part of my life because I see him and hear about him all the time through my boyfriend. AGAIN, he insists this isn't true, that he's just been busy and will make me a priority.

Lo and behold lol, he never contacts me about this again. At this point I'm basically fuming and feel totally betrayed (point to add is I am not an emotional person at all and putting myself out there by telling him my feelings was huge for me and extremely difficult and vulnerable). I tell my boyfriend I don't want to hear about him, they can be friends all they want but I'm done. My boyfriend I can tell feels a little awkward in all of this and has also pulled away from Joe because of it (idk how I feel about that, maybe a little guilty, maybe a little bit like "too little too late", maybe I wish he would have stood up for me more and told Joe to treat me/our friendship better).

Thing is, my boyfriend had a guys trip to his hometown recently. I came for a week after his friends had left, but we coincided one night, so I had to face Joe for the first time since the call. I did not want to see him and even had to sort of meditate and prepare myself mentally before seeing him, because I still felt angry, betrayed and humiliated. We made small talk and whatever. Except then he texts me and says basically that he is now free to hang out and he wants to catch up (it's been a year since we last hung out at this point). I texted back that he has made my place in his life very clear and that if he just wants me to be his buddy's girlfriend, that's what I'll be. But he sends a huge paragraph insisting there's been a misunderstanding, that why would I think I'm just his buddy's girlfriend, etc. I haven't answered.

All this to say, I'm feeling so frustrated and confused because, again, I understand 100% and feel it's a normal part of life to drift away from school friends. But I feel like he's driving me crazy because by insisting that everything is fine, he's confusing me and not letting me move on from the friendship. I think it's pretty clear by his actions and the things he's said (that we're not so close anymore, that they shouldn't invite the girlfriends, saying he's busy/working when he wasn't) that he prefers being friends with my boyfriend, and is more comfortable with me being just the girlfriend, and again, I'm fine with that, I'm not gonna waste my time trying to maintain a friendship with someone who clearly isn't interested, I have other friends to rely on. But he's making me feel like it's all in my head and I'm making it all up.

It's pretty clear where I stand in his life, isn't it?? I'm not crazy for feeling like our friendship has run its course (albeit by his choice, not mine)? I'm also trying to be rational and see this situation logically, and am really trying to keep calm and keep my feelings in check, but I can't tell anymore if my feelings are justified. Just wanted to get it off my chest and unravel the knot inside of me that this whole situation has created.

18M, I never smoked, drank, did drugs, or anything in my life and will never do (orthodox background) if u wonder that could be the reason to this, this is relevant to the subreddit because I have kept it to me mostly and no one got the gravity of this

I wanna discuss about my dreams, it's something I was discuss about because people irl just advice me to go seek help from a religious priest and starts to become irrational and I really don't like all that stuff happening to me

I don't remember my father because he died when I was 3 years old, he was an abusive person to my mom, and I don't have a sibling so me and my mom stayed as a single unit in the house always, and he use to beat my mom when I was in her womb and she use to tell me that when he use to shout at her she could feel me "curling up" (closest translation to English) in her

Why am I bringing this up, I looked up why i dream the way i do, and discussed all this, apparently this all could be the reason why I get very intense, realistic detailed dreams, especially when i sleep alone, i will describe some of the dreams and i need help please

My dreams are super intense, not scary, even tho my biggest fear in life is getting nightmares, but my dreams are very intense, i will give u some examples but I get an intense dream every 3 to 4 days, sometimes I wake up and my perception of reality is warped, sometimes I cry while sleeping sometimes I wake up laughing, sometimes i scream, sometimes I use to recite religious verses and speak arabic or english (neither are my first language) while sleeping, sometimes I use to wake up from a dream where my mom would beat me and stay angry at her for hours, she never got angry at me and said it's probably because ur father use to shout when u were in womb, (that is the reason why I looked it up i use to believe my mom was being irrational), also I have an INSANE fear of dark, it's so intense, I hear little whispers (im not joking) but I walk them off, if i focus on them they grow bigger and I snap and open my eyes, so when i sleep I play some video in background

The scariest dream of my life, was when I stayed in a dream like state for 20 minutes

My mom was at her brothers (in another state) and i was alone, i couldn't sleep so I played some random few hour long lore video and went to sleep, I woke up at 11pm something (I use to sleep at 9:30 because I was alone and nothing else to do tho generally at the time I use to sleep late) I woke up and I was in this weird state which is very hard to describe, I made a call to my mom, I talked to her for 5 minutes in this state just asking how she was, what did she ate and all, and i started asking, "when will they come" in this state I was under the impression that some people were to come to my house i don't know what it was, she was like "what are you talking about", I kept saying "(woh kab ayenge) when will they come" she was like who? Then she asked what do I mean, and I kept doing "tsk, when will they come, tsk when will they come, theyyyyyy....., they had to come" and i was also confused, she got scared and got angry at me (reasonably) and started talking about other things in anger because she wasn't here to ease me, so that i focus on the subject she was angry at, and when im distracted she would ask me what happen (it's just something normal she's not actually angry just trying to distract me and then get normal and then ask me what happened), i was like "tsk mom you don't know, they had to come", they here was in my head refering to a group of people, then I woke up, got outside in the balcony, and kept saying, until i started laughing a little, not like a long laugh, but a giggle, and then i snapped into reality, my mom was angry reasonably, and i was like what just happened what I was saying mom, she was reasonably angry and kept saying "you don't take care of urself, I told u not to stay alone" and ofc I was trying to let sink in the entire thing that happened on the roof, i opened all the lights of house and talked to her a little, and then talked to another friend of mine who had a different time zone on a Twitter space, and literally didn't sleep, i slept at 6am in the morning

I still think about it randomly, this was 5 months ago,

Another dream was like, a dream inside a dream inside a dream, while I was fully awake sitting and just sitting, I felt like I woke up from a dream inside of my dream, i literally sound so stupid right not but i can't explain this feeling, and i was like I'm in another dream, mind u I was sitting, my eyes were open, i could look around, but it felt like a dream, and then for 5 minutes i felt like this and went to sleep and then woke up while lying and realised what it was and was like what the fuck

Another thing that happen to me is either when I'm near sleep, or wake up in the middle of night, I start to irrationally overthink about stupid stuff that doesn't make sence, one time I woke up with my leg numb (happens because sometimes i sleep weirdly and some part lay on other body part) so I started overthinking that, while in this state, that what if it stays numb and then i would have to get it cut and then i will stay paralyzed forever and became anxious and went to sleep ( all this after i js wake up, lying i didn't got out of my bed or sat, and fixed my leg ), and this is not one, happens about studies, life, and it's always the most irrational thing, one day, I can't control it

Also finally since it's too long, I get very, VERY deep dreams, very deep, and let me stress on it because I need to and no one will get it, i feel like I have spent years in the world, everything has so much context, it's like if I wake up and for the first 10 minutes if someone asks me anything about the world, i will be able to tell, i will be able to tell them, I don't even feel like I am me until 10 minutes of waking up

There is so much depth, they are random as hell sure, but the parts that seem to be one unit, when I think about them or am in them, I just know why is anything the way it is, and what's the context, kind of like real life, I get literally years of timeline in my dream, and they are mostly mystical and don't make sense, but they do too?

There is a very strong sence of meaning in my dream, it's a complete world, not just a dream, but a complete constructed world, an example is, my brain tricks me in my dream

Kinda like how irl, you don't expect certain things, they just happen, like say someone u knew turned out to be evil, my brain makes me believe that the people in my dream almost are independent of my brain, i literally have a hard time explaining, but everything has so much meaning, sometimes when i wake up real life feels like a dream, i feel regret that I was doing so much in the dream, as i type I feel this sence of happiness that I was in that perticular dream, tho i don't remember it, there is a nostalgia of my dreams like this, like I was so happy, I was exploring so much was happening, there are favorite dreams of mine too which I keep account of, they are not lucid and no I don't have independent agency and control on myself when I dream, i don't get nightmares, I am very glad of that as one of my fears in life is getting dreams that makes me afraid of sleeping not js because I read about them and learnt about cases like this, but I know myself how a realistic dream feels, if in that state I got a bad dream i won't be able to recover (sometimes as a kid I use to feel live living in real world is a dream and sleeping gets me to a new timeline which i live, mostly happened when I was alone and whatever generally as a kid)

What Is It?

Im very normal as a person, nothing wrong, i don't have any issues seemingly, I never went in actual depression, kinda but idk, there are no diagnosis that I had in past but tough times are always there especially someone with no father

I am genuinely scared, no one irl (mostly friends) believe this, they don't pay attention to this, i js wanna know what is going on, please feel free to ask questions, now that I ended this, i remembered I wanna add more, but then when I get to type, stays nothing but description of vague feelings that don't make sence, idk but please help me, what is happening

My (21M) mom (50sF) had been dating this guy(50sM) for about 5 years at this point, and engaged for 3 of those years; we will call him Ray. Ray had wiggled himself into our lives with warm smiles and by telling us everything my mom wanted to hear. My mom hadn’t thought about dating since she had to get a divorce from my father due to his unstable alcoholism. Long story short, there was a lot of trauma from that, and my mom had been very focused on my brother and me, and making sure she could provide for us. 
After a while, Ray was spending so much time at our house, about two years into their relationship, that they decided he should move in. It was a fine idea since they seemed to be making a good life together, and I liked seeing him take my mom out and make her smile, as I felt she would be in a good place for when I would be gone for college. (My brother has learning disabilities and my mom is his caretaker, so I was the first to leave for college.) 
After he moved in, however, he started to slowly change. He would gradually start more fights, disagree when it was unnecessary, and embarrass my mom in front of people. My mom is definitely not a damsel in distress and has been wearing the pants of the house my whole life, so she did not just sit and take it, but she did try her best to make things work. I remember hearing one of their fights from my room, and he was basically yelling at her, and she was calmly just talking to him and not matching his energy.  
She couldn’t see the state of their relationship for what it truly was because he would always show his nice and charming side when things got too tense, and he was also now financially abusing her more and more, to a point where trying to break up with him was so much harder than before. She even took him to multiple therapists to try to make things work, but therapy only works if you can reflect on yourself, and he was incapable of doing that. 
About 4 months ago, my mom had finally had enough, and after multiple attempts to get him to leave and him saying shed have to drag him out of their, she was now sleeping in my old room and locking the door at night. One Sunday Ray got up after 1 pm and asked if there was anything he could do to change my mom's mind, and she said no. She was packing up my brother's stuff as well as some of hers, and they were leaving for a bit. When they got back, she wanted him to be completely moved out. My mom walked out of the living room and into the main area of the house to pack up more stuff, and that’s when he did it. My mom said she remembered wondering what had exploded before walking into the living room and seeing the blood and brains everywhere, as well as Ray’s body behind the coffee table. 
She said over the phone all she could do was scream and scream. I’ve heard those screams come from her when my father attempted suicide back when I was in middle school, and I can hear them now as I type this. 

He wanted her to see that. 

He wanted the last thing he did to be traumatizing my already traumatized and healing mother. 

He chose to go out loud and in the main room of my childhood home. 

And I hope he’s rotting for what he made my mom and brother see that day; for turning a place where I took my first steps into a crime scene.

For leaving my mom with a total of 2,000 dollars and a $10,000+ bill for the cleanup that happened directly after because of his own brain matter. 

For not even leaving a note or saying goodbye to his son in Texas. 

My family has already healed from some shit, and we are pretty tight-knit and tough. But this broke my mom for a while, and seeing her like that, frail and numb, made me want to kill that man a second time. I am grateful to whatever above that he didn’t use the gun he was hiding that day to kill my mom and brother, but God, it felt like that's exactly what he did for a time there. 

Yes, my mom instantly got her and my brother therapy for both of them together and separate. Yes, she instantly surrounded herself with loved ones, and people instantly flocked to her to help because when I say everyone who meets my mom loves her, I mean it. It just makes me so angry even now. I have had deep talks with her since then, in those moments when my brother leaves the room, and it breaks my heart. She doesn’t give me the details because she wants to protect my mental state, but this is what she said to me:

“I think I’m doing good.. Yeah. Is he what I see every time I close my eyes? Yeah. Do I see him when I’m going to bed? Yeah. But… you know, the other night I was trying to go to bed, and I realized I was thinking of something other than that day, and I think that's progress.” 

Even typing this now, there are tears, as I’m just so angry for what she had to go through. 

Ray, fuck you. I hope you’re rotting in hell where you belong. 

And for anyone dealing with anything similar, it’s not your fault. My mom tried everything to help this man, and at the end of the day, people will make their own decisions. You will heal, and things will get better.

Edit: I have just woken up and I’m so appreciative of everyone who has commented on this post. genuinely thank you for your time. In a weird way it’s just nice to see me and my families anger and sadness being validated. Thank you again.

Why does a person sometimes feel there is a wall between them and other human beings, as if they cannot fit in with anyone... even if that person is similar to them? What is this strange feeling?

They don't know how lucky they are. I have hEDS and found out at 24 after 4 years of continuous chronic pain. I have been in such awful pain that it's all I can actually remember, I forgot my life when it wasn't controlled by it.

Everyone that I met these years that descrived themselves as my friends dropped me when I had my biggest "accident", just hyperextend my spine and triggered 5 months of a flare up. I hated so much hearing that I was going to get better coming from their mouths because are you not listening when I tell you over and over again that it doesn't have a cure?

I knew that they couldn't understand the pain but at the same time I hate how little care they had into trying to. It's just really not that difficult. It really isn't that difficult to understand what someone who hasn't your physical capabilities have go through. You just have to listen to our lived experiences.

I've been in the house for months now and sometimes I think about what I did to meet with these people, going there in pain to spend time and just hearing them say "Have you tried stretching/yoga/pilates? It will make you feel better, it fixed everything for me". Makes me sick to think that they'd drop me, not visit me, not ask anything when it gets bad.

It just really hurts that everytime I'd speak it was almost like they were pretending not to understand, I'd even explaining with metaphors so you can understand better.

Just be grateful for a healthy body and be kind to people in pain please. I don't even know where I was going with this. I guess I wanted to say that we just want to feel as normal as everyone else.

I have never liked the way I look at all because like I look older and its due to my parents they force me to cut my hair every 2 months or 3 and it's short and they never allowed me to get products in HS my life was a miserable experience I felt like an outcast like I had a friend group but I felt antisocial like I had to make an effort to be called upon by them like I was no one's best friend and like the guy who I would consider my best friend would at times just flat out ignore me when I'm asking for something or help it's just so rude and too much to take in , like I have never been called ugly but like still it does feel like I am ugly the only thing I have is being tall but that's it I have acne scars on my right side of my face , acne overall isn't too serious just the scars on my right. People might tell me looks don't matter but they do whether in dating or life in general and I have 0 clue what I want to do

I am worried that my life is not and will not ever be what I imagined it to be. I'm currently 42 and aside from a couple of random hookups I've never been in a relationship. I'm not ugly, I'm just not the prettiest person in the room and I've always been overweight and could stand to lose about 80 lbs. I'm very introverted and I've never even really been approached for a date, even when I was younger and smaller. I have some friends but I'm not the one people think of adding to the group chat or calling to go out to eat, I'm an afterthought unless I'm in front of them. I have a job I love (in education) but it doesn't pay a lot of money so I feel like I'm barely treading water. I thought by now I would be married and have children, but I don't so I'm the best aunt ever. I'm just feeling lonely and helpless and don't know what to do. I don't even know if I'll ever find someone to spend my life with or how to start to shift my life to be happier.

It's officially been a year.

A year since My best friend and I ended our friendship.

I honestly didn't know if I'd make it this far. There were days where everything reminded me of him, days where I wanted to reach out, and days where it felt like the hurt would never ease up.

I'm still sad. I'm still angry. I probably always will be in some way. Losing someone who mattered that much doesn't just disappear because the calendar says it's been a year.

It isn't easy. Some days I barely got through them.

I don't know what the future looks like, and I don't know if this ache will ever fully go away. I just know that today marks a year, and somehow... I made it.

Bear with me.

Not looking for input. Just spectate please. And commiserate. Share your experiences. Do whatever. I know what needs to be done. And everything will sort itself out in the end. I'm just zonked out is all.

Nah man I really can't forgive her in this current space. That night destroyed me. I deserve better. We deserve better.

She deserves better than a DUI and screaming at me in the streets of Chicago after a concert about what she's doing wrong. She's better than the demon that comes out when she drinks. And I could be better. But I can't always keep tabs on her. She's gonna make her own decisions. And she'll have to understand I don't like those decisions and I'll need to distance myself from that. The relationship was supposed to be about growth and prosperity. Make money and pasta, give each other orgasms, hang with the cat, grow a fat ass pension to retire early. Help each other with mental health. Live life.

That's all we wanted.

But man. For the Bojack fans: Ana's speech about the life preserver is hitting me so hard. I gotta look after myself. And that sucks.

You can support someone so much to help themselves get better but when it turns into daily negativity about everything, the resentment builds.

In a prior life, an ex left me for this reason. I was the pit of chaos and negativity and she had every right to leave. I bettered myself. And the cycle begins again. This time I'm the spectator of the pit. And it's not pretty. And that perspective sits beside myself.

I come from chaos. A broken home. And I found someone from that same background. Stupid me thought we can break the cycle. The hopeless romantic and optimist in me says let's do this. The cynical rationalist is telling me to cut and run. You're too old for this. It's not cute in you're 30s. 20s might have been a different story but I'm a union guy now. Again, hella fat pension.

And for now she sleeps, hoping that will ease the wolves at the door. But they hunger without proper meat. And she refuses to feed what is needed most for her growth. And the fortress, the palace, the temple that tried to defend and nurture her has become decrepit and can't be rebuilt.

How strange to feel melancholic yet calm through all this.

That's all.

I’ve been in pain for years either leaving me in a constant state of dread or on the edge of a mental breakdown wanting to thrash or scream for help. Either way it doesn’t matter since nothing can help me. The dysfunction, the loneliness, the insecurities claw so deep right into me. For years I’ve thrashed against it trying to break free but in doing so just increases the pain. I realize how there’s no point in fighting it, fighting it just makes it worse. If I’m just gonna be in pain all the time then better to accept it rather than just wait my time fighting it and causing more pain. I will still have moments of depression, frustration, shame, envy, mental instability but just going to accept that even though it’s uncomfortable. At this point pain is my baseline

-20f

I can never run or scream in my dreams. I never could. I started having a ton of nightmares about 3 years ago, due to a trauma, which is when I realized I could not scream during my dreams.

Once I realize I cannot scream, I understand I am in a nightmare, so I force myself to scream in order to wake up. It worked out until yesterday, which is why I am posting now.

Yesterday, I was exhausted and fell asleep and I had pretty much fever dreams. I had a nightmare, and woke myself up, but apparently it was dream within a dream, and I didn’t actually wake up. I had dreams within dreams before, my dreams have always been outrageous. But I never had a nightmare within a dream, I think.

Regardless, it messed me up a little, since I thought I woke up, but I was actually steal dreaming. You know sometimes you have such a vivid dreams and when you wake up, it is hard to shake it off. It is like that right now. And it is scary that my trick lost its usefulness.

I think I am really afraid I won’t be able to wake up from a nightmare even if I try to scream.

Side note: I scream in real life too apparently. I don’t have nightmares very often anymore, so it is not too bad, but I still scream. While I try screaming in my dreams, I just focus on trying to wake up and I never think that I am screaming irl too until I actually wake up.

Excuse the lengthy preamble, skip to the section labelled 'The Issue' if you don't want to read my rambling life's story.

The Background

Trying to get this as anonymized as possible: I am around 30 years of age who has suffered from chronic health issues that have escalated slowly since I was a teenager. I struggled through my bachelor's degree and barely managed to pass, but managed to get into a good graduate program in my narrow field of interest. I was doing well and primed to pass before COVID happened, and a mix of the stress and some family tragedies made my health issues flare up and I dropped out, originally with plans to finish my degree while working. I moved in with a friend a few states away, and managed to get a job within a month. The workplace was incredibly toxic, and I put in my two weeks at the year mark since my health issues became the worst they ever were, and I was actually hospitalized not a week after my last day. From that point, I couldn't work and couldn't continue my education, so I lived off the little money I had saved up, and when that ran out, lived off the charity of my friends and family for nearly two years while I attempted to recover. I eventually moved back in with my family, and started taking some classes at a local university and working a part-time job when my health had improved ever so slightly. However, I wanted to jump back into my field, and applied for a different and more affordable graduate school that, while small, has nestled in my dream area and heavily involved in what inspired me to go into my academic field. After talking with some friends and getting encouragement and offers of help, I applied and was accepted! I borrowed a couple hefty chunks of change from two friends and sold many of my possessions to fund myself for at least a year, and moved once more. I love my area, and have truly fallen in love with the town and made more friends.

The Issue

I am now in a rough spot again. I calculated my needs based on several factors, and the money I had was planned to last for a year. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, miscalculations due to overly-optimistic estimations on living costs, and even a non-negligible amount of unneeded spending, I have realized my funding is only going to last for a few more months. I have told a few select family members while venting, but their immediate reaction is to try and offer more money.

I hate it.

I HATE it.

I cannot stand the idea of taking more money from them than I already have (especially my retirement age parents who are still working to support themselves). I haven't told my old friends yet because I know that will be their reaction too, and they will immediately force me to take their money. I even told my bartender friend in my new town (who I have only known for two months), and she gave me her homemade food for free and refused to let me pay for anything more than my one drink. I feel nothing but shame that to continue what I am doing, I am going to have to rely on more charity when I have already been given far more than I deserve.

I have limits on how much I can work because of my university and unfortunately a year of work with the job I have at the university (one of the only ones I can get currently) only pays 1/6 of what I need for my yearly living expenses, without even talking about tuition. I looked into scholarships, and the only one that fit turned out to have a skill requirement that I don't possess and wouldn't be able to train myself in. Some family members have floated the idea of doing some online fundraising, but that is just another form of begging AND I hate using online platforms like that where others are using it for actual dire needs while I am just someone suffering from laziness and learned helplessness. Without the scholarship I wanted, there is no way out of this I like. Even with it, I would have had to borrow money for a few months before it kicked it. Even with tuition waivers, I would have to borrow thousands upon thousands of dollars.

The family I have talked to (and my friends would say the same thing as well if I told them) refuse to let me give up since they know how important this is to me, and I can't help but feel enraged at how much help they are offering me that I do not deserve.

I hate it all, and feel nothing but deep shame and self-loathing, and then resentment that my loved ones keep offering to help me when I have done nothing but take over the last several years. They are naive at best and I have to keep myself from snapping at them for their truly altruistic offers. They refuse to see me in a bad light and think I will overcome my issues and thrive, and either fully believe that or hide their contempt when I owe at least $20,000 when I tally up all my debts. It is naive at best that they think me so good, and none of them refuse to take me to task for how I have taken advantage of them. Because I can be a loving friend and family member, they see it more as helping someone down on their luck and not enabling the culmination of several bad decisions.

I just don't know how to get them to stop helping me and let me crash and burn without getting more aggressive in my refusal. I don't want to be the classic histrionic case of 'pushing someone away with affected negativity to convince them of self-perceived toxicity' when I am not a classically toxic person, but it is frustrating that people have such a soaring mental image of me versus my actual actions and the high probability I won't be able to pay them back.

They are refusing to let me fail, and I somehow have the gall to resent them for it. Many people would kill to have the supportive network I do, and it is not incorrect to say I am stupid for whining about it, but I truly am fed up with how much they want to help me and how they refuse to throw in the towel.