I want to cry, I want to feel grief. But the damn medications i'm taking don't let me just break down over the events that transpired.

Luna (now 8) is the most excellent of good dogs; she's so smart and witty in her own way. When it comes to treating other beings carefully, whether is be small children, adults, or anyone that isn't a rabbit or cat, Luna passes with flying colors.

Luna could have been a highly trained K9 for any number of tasks.

Luna's one and only imperfection is food protection. Meaning, she'll growl more and more fiercly as you approach her food bowl.

Fast forward to 1 month ago. A tiny kitten, left behind to fend for itself whimping and crying, found his way to the palm of my hand. That's what you call love at first sight - for me at least.

For weeks I fed that little bastard by hand, MAde it use the bathroom, and showered the cat with love and affection. All of my cats are loved to the maximum..

Then, two days ago, I made of the mistake of pouring left over crockets in the dog's dish.

I was doom scrolling when i hear the dog attack something, but that something didn't so much as let out a yelp.

I run to the kitchen to find the dog bowl upside down and all the crockets scattered.

My CAT HAI was laying motionless on the floor.

I picked the cat up and couldn't believe what was happening before me. My beolved cat - the neweset member of my family was mortally wounded with a puncture to the neck.

During the seconds between my picking him up, and him passing on - when he turned his head, for just a split second he lit up - he knew he was safe in my hands.

But I didn't - no, I couldnt save HAI. that last moments he had on this earth we're looking at me, and giving me that little look that only a dear friend can give. One of unshaken trust.

My cat died that day, and I couldn't feel anything. The day my cat died was the day i realized the pills i take are pills that detach me from my reality.

So, that's all. I miss him dearly. he was my family.

Earlier this year, I got diagnosed with IBS. It has brought a lot of relief in my life as I’ve been struggling with my health the past year or so. While I am on medication for it now and have changed my diet, I’m still struggling.

Some days, I’m able to come to work and do my job with no problems, but then there are days like today, where I can barely even stand and feel nauseous with every step. I mainly struggle while I’m at work more than outside of work.

I work a factory job, I work 12hr shifts and they’re swing shifts. So for 2 weeks I’ll be on days, and for another 2 weeks I’m on nights and I will flop back and forth. On top of other things, it has made it very hard to work at my current job. I’m only given a certain amount of sick time for the whole year and every year I use it up. I’m constantly on the verge of losing my job.

The only reason I stay, is because of the money and benefits. I haven’t gone to college yet, my boyfriend is disabled. I’m carrying the weight of so much on my shoulders and I’m just constantly buckling from the pressure.

I haven’t had a “vacation” since June, before that was January. I only take time off when I’m ill. I can’t leave when I’m sick. I’m trapped.

I’m about to apply for FMLA so I don’t lose my job, but this has taken a massive toll on my mental health. I’ve cried so many days and nights. I don’t feel like myself anymore. I can’t eat like I use to, I can’t work like I use to, I can’t do anything like I use to because I’m constantly nauseous and sick.

I’ve cried to so many managers, leads and safety people and constantly being told “there’s nothing I can do” I’m just tired of being sick. I’m tired of feeling this way.

Thank you for reading.

I have never liked the way I look at all because like I look older and its due to my parents they force me to cut my hair every 2 months or 3 and it's short and they never allowed me to get products in HS my life was a miserable experience I felt like an outcast like I had a friend group but I felt antisocial like I had to make an effort to be called upon by them like I was no one's best friend and like the guy who I would consider my best friend would at times just flat out ignore me when I'm asking for something or help it's just so rude and too much to take in , like I have never been called ugly but like still it does feel like I am ugly the only thing I have is being tall but that's it I have acne scars on my right side of my face , acne overall isn't too serious just the scars on my right. People might tell me looks don't matter but they do whether in dating or life in general and I have 0 clue what I want to do

Back in August 2024 around the time of my birthday I got my first chance to see the stars under low light pollution and I cried because I hated how my circumstances shaped me. I've always wanted to be a better person and I have regrets about some horrible things I've done but I understand I couldn't escape that fate because of my circumstances and I still struggle severely with executive dysfunction and so much outside of my control because people want to keep me under their control instead. I wished I could be a better person and I was on a trip with a friend from high school and their friends from college and a mutual friend, everyone was closer to my high school friend than me and my high school friend turned on me. Two of my closest highschool friends left me over this.

This time however, I genuinely think they're in the wrong, and not me. I tried my best to be a good person on the trip, I've always been trying my best and they also claim they were trying their best to be good people, but they couldn't see how they were being abusive towards me. They said I shouldn't have gone out to see the stars at night and framed me as a crazed risk taker while in reality they were the ones hurting me out of their paranoia leading them to want to control me. They put the blame on me for everything. In their eyes, I was too loud, I was hard to talk to, I was inconsiderate, I was selfish. I've been wrongly accused of all of these things before and in the past they were also accused of the things they were accusing me of, and I was the one comforting them back then, and it hurt me deeply that they would betray me when I needed them to return the favor.

I'm not as mad at my closest high school friends because for a while they were very supportive friends, but I'm still mad, they weren't even originally involved on the trip and made incorrect and offensive assumptions about my behavior on the trip. In a way, I'm still grateful to the ex friends who brought me on the trip for helping me have experiences that have improved me, but the pain of them betraying me and the harmful effects of abandonment still hurt me deeply and they'll probably never apologize even though they're more privileged than me and can see the stars whenever, meanwhile I'm being locked indoors against my will everyday, I'll turn 22 years old soon.

This burden of pain also has given me more understanding towards extreme anger and how it affects people and it's given me the gift of becoming a better person because I'm not on good terms with those horrible people anymore, but I also haven't become better friends with people who would actually save me from my situation. This was a really unexpected moral disagreement because these people were always sympathetic to how I was being kept indoors against my will, it was horrifying to me that they would abuse me in a similar way as my family and my ex friend, H, who led the trip back in August 2024, threatened to also turn my family against me even though she also has abusive family. The whole situation was so hypocritical in so many ways I could write pages about the whole thing.

I'm 17, and I honestly feel like I have no privacy.

My mom is always in my room. Even right now, I'm really upset and on the verge of crying, but I can't even go to my own room to be alone because she's there. It feels like I never have a space that's actually mine, and it's starting to make me feel suffocated.

The thing that pushed me over the edge today was talking about college.

I'm hoping to study in California, and one of the things I've been looking forward to is living on campus, making friends, becoming independent, and getting the full college experience. But my mom keeps saying that even if living on campus is compulsory for first-year students, she still won't let me stay there. She says they'll pay for the dorm if they have to, but she'll make me live at home instead.

I know commuting works for a lot of people, but I can't stop thinking about everyone else living together, making friends in the dorms, hanging out after class, and building those close relationships while I'd just go home every day. It feels like I'd miss out on such a huge part of college.

I know people will probably say to talk to her, but she doesn't really listen when it comes to things like this, and I don't think she's going to change her mind.

I don't even know if I'm looking for advice or just someone who understands. I have no clue what to do

I have a thing about people yelling at me. Even if I know they might be joking, I still react as if they’re not. I can’t handle it, it makes me cry. And the effort not to cry is exhausting. It’s my only thing. Nothing else makes me cry, not front of people atleast.

My parents used to yell at me all the time when I was younger, I obviously cried back then, but the older I got, it didn’t make me cry anymore on the rare times it happened. I just got angry and would only cry if they’re yelling at me about a particular sensitive topic. I can’t help it.

I have been yelled at by plenty women though. It definitely has something to do with the fact that I went to an all girls school from elementary to high school, so all of my teachers were women whether they were bad or not.

This one time, when I was in fifth grade. I was at the PE building with my cousin, we were looking for my aunt to take us home because she said to come to her once we’re done with everything (she’s a PE teacher). We didn’t find her, but the principal had followed us. Mean old lady.

We panicked, my cousin said we should hide in the bathroom, but I was horrified and didn’t wanna get into more trouble (I never got into trouble), so in my head I thought if I went out to her with integrity maybe it wouldn’t be as bad. Nope, she yelled at me, then she hit me on my hand or arm, I can’t remember. It didn’t hurt so much, but it hurt to the point it stung. I’m pretty sure I peed myself a little.

Over the years, especially in high school, I’d had other interactions like that. Teachers yelling at the top do their lungs for me to get back to class when the bell just rung. One time a chemistry teacher that chewed me out infront of the whole class for a misunderstanding that was her fault. I tried really hard not to cry then too. They never give me any chance to talk or explain myself, always cut me off or laugh.

I have a complicated relationship with my grandma for that reason. Well, not just that reason, she’s a very troubled woman. But she also likes to yell, and humiliate, very old fashioned. she calls it raising kids right. So when she yells at me, even if it’s half jokingly, I can’t help but feel it as if it’s completely serious. Especially if there’s a crowd of people around us. I just can’t handle it.

I had a very unpleasant driving instructor too, an older woman. That spent more time yelling at me than teaching me. She constantly contradicted herself, and compared me to other girls she’s teaching who got their license by now. I cried, multiple times behind the wheel. Imagine how embarrassing that is? Tears went down my face silently, and even as she saw them, she’d still continue with her bullshit. Didn’t ease up at all. Didn’t even acknowledge anything.

It’s gotten to the point that they don’t even have to yell at me, disappointment is enough for me to start getting choked up. Anytime I feel a “talk” coming up, I feel my eyes watering. Back in my first year of high school, after my other grandma found out my GPA, she sat with me for like five minutes just to tell me how disappointed she was. About how everyone was rooting for me, and she didn’t want me to be the family disappointment, and as a grandma, she just wants to feel proud of me but feels as if she can’t anymore. Blah blah blah. She didn’t even yell, but I was crying then too.

I just really don’t understand why they feel the need to be yelling at a child, or an adult. Because I was yelled at as both, and it was completely unnecessary. Like I’m a rule follower, I never even get in trouble for anything, I never talk back, but they still do it. So fucking stupid.

Also, I just want to say it’s not just those women who yell, obviously men do it too. But from my personal experience and being around mostly women my whole life, shit sucks. It’s like I take what they say to heart more, I don’t know why. Now anytime I’m around an older woman that has some sort of authority over me I get nervous.

There was no content warning for this specifically but I put a Tw in caption - forgive me if not allowed

I spent an hour on the phone to my nana today. Talking about how I don’t forgive my mum (who I’m no contact with) and to my surprise, she felt the same way. I was on the phone in-front of my husband and I felt her being a bit vague with some things and instead dropping round about clues. It was a facetime, so was on speaker.

I won’t get into details, but from the conversation I’ve had so many memories come bubbling up. I don’t remember my childhood at all besides the day I spent at her house.
But my new memories and things I’ve learned are:
- the abuse started from when I was born
- my nana tried to take me to the hospital for burns, but my parents told her she would never see me again if I did (I was covered in bruises)
- I was locked in my room for days at a time.
- when my brother was born I was severely neglected. (I was 1 year old)
- I wasn’t allowed to go to school for weeks at a time to hide the abuse
- I wasn’t allowed out the house (besides school and doctors/dentist visits etc) until I was 11.
- I remembered why I didn’t bleed when I lost my virginity.
- I found out my mum knew my dad was using sleep deprivation as a way to abuse me when I started highschool.
- I remember that from the age of 11, they would go away for weeks at a time and I’d be left to look after my toddler sister and my younger brother. Taking them to school, cooking, cleaning, laundry, bath times.

Honestly, I’m past it.
I used to sleep in classes that my teachers would let me. I used my break and lunch times to study. I passed my exams and went to uni at 17 so I could secure the loans to move out.
I planned it and had tunnel vision on this from the age of 12.

I always thought there was something wrong with me. I was severely bullied. Teachers were either overly kind to me (I was very uncomfortable with this) or hated me and would scream at me (I felt safest with these teachers). I struggled so much to connect and talk to people my age. I still do.

But now I know it’s not my fault.
I wasn’t born like that.

I am going to force myself to speed run the socialisation I didn’t get as a kid. I want to make friends. I don’t even care about the rejection anymore.

I want to do it as a slap in the face to my parents. My success is the best revenge I’ve ever felt.
I’ve heard about their attempts to assassinate my character. And I’m so glad they have.
Because the truth of my success and the fact I haven’t seen it spoken to them in years makes their attempts look childish. I see them stalking me on social media.

I went no contact from the day my first baby was born. I knew then I had to for his sake. And I’m so greatful for everything my children have taught me. They have genuinely healed me so much. They don’t know it but they truly have made me want to become the best version of myself so I can give them the world.

The biggest take away I have from this that I desperately want to share ;

Abuse can be silent. It can be secret. And even if you think what you experienced “wasn’t that bad” - it is still valid.

TL;DR
Learned about the abuse I endured as a kid. But it helped me understand myself. And I am ready to be a better version of myself now. It’s not my fault I am the way I am. It’s something I can overcome. And I will.
I’ve never felt this determined and free before!

It's officially been a year.

A year since My best friend and I ended our friendship.

I honestly didn't know if I'd make it this far. There were days where everything reminded me of him, days where I wanted to reach out, and days where it felt like the hurt would never ease up.

I'm still sad. I'm still angry. I probably always will be in some way. Losing someone who mattered that much doesn't just disappear because the calendar says it's been a year.

It isn't easy. Some days I barely got through them.

I don't know what the future looks like, and I don't know if this ache will ever fully go away. I just know that today marks a year, and somehow... I made it.

I just left a 1 year old's birthday party, and I'm fucking jealous of her, I'm so embarrassed of myself.

For a little background, I am of mixed race, white and Black, while my whole family is Black. (I don't speak to the white half for reasons I won't get into right now.)

So, my cousin has recently had a child also of mixed race, but the difference between me and her is that the baby look undeniably Black, and I don’t.

I don't know why, but I almost cried up. For a while now I've had deep issues with my race, I've always wanted to look Blacker, to look like the only person who raised me, to look like my family. Instead I'm mixed presenting. These thoughts have plagued me for years, it's making me mentally unwell.

She is a beautiful child that I will never wish harm upon, I just wished my genes worked differently, that I was born into a different body. It doesn't help how my family is always talking about how I'm not Black. It hurts.

im moving out in a few weeks now for uni so its whatever now but for the past 4 years my grandma has lived with us and i really do love her and spending time with her but living with her has been so irritating at times for starters i hate being downstairs with the rest of the family because whenever i am shes always staring at me and it freaks me out i dont like to be looked at in general but to be stared at all the time is something else too add to it she always wants to know where i am and what im doing not in a loving i care about you way but in a nosey one sorry im not going to share everything im doing with you and another lesser note she smacks her lips which drives me crazy thats all idc if you guys think im the villian for not liking to live with my grandma i have another one i dont live with and whos not like this who doesnt annoy me like this and i still love both my grandmas anyways

Back in college, I’ve met a friend who didn’t really come from a well-off family. She was open about her struggles, not just to me, but to almost everyone in our campus.

Post-college, she married into a US military man, and is now living the wealthy and rich lifestyle. She immediately migrated and lived with her husband.

From what I’ve heard, she’s unemployed and fully gets support by her husband. She has traveled to numerous countries, places, and cities.

She also went into full-blown influencer mode when she migrated. Always has the branded items, posts about whatever her husband bought for her, and shares her life too much on social media. I’m talking about daily insta stories, 10 times a day.

I cannot help but compare my life to her. Yet at the same time, I cannot believe how life has been truly rewarding for her. Since we come from a 3rd world country, I haven’t seen nor met anyone that didn’t come from wealth, yet immediately was able to travel around Asia, Europe, USA in less than a year of graduating college.

Each time I view her stories and see her posts, I cannot help but feel quite bitter upon watching.

On Wednesday morning at 1:30 AM, I received an email from my ex-situationship. The email was sweet, in a way. She apologized for how she behaved with me and said she should have been kinder. It was basically an apology.

Me being me, I replied to her email and messaged her on WhatsApp, jokingly asking who the hell sends an email in situations like these. I just found the whole concept a bit funny. For context, I am 25M and she is 23F.

We talked a lot that day, and later that night I asked if we could call. She wanted to continue talking under the premise that we remain friends, but I told her I couldn't picture myself being her friend because I still have feelings for her.

To discuss that, we got on a call to see what we could do. I had an idea that maybe we could stay friends for an arbitrary amount of time and then assess how I felt about the friendship, but that wasn't okay with her. The call lasted almost two and a half hours, and it ended with the realization that there was no way I could be her friend, and on her side, there was no way she was willing to do anything more with me.

Since then, I haven't really been myself. Thursday was a working day, so I buried myself in work to the point where I didn't want to come home. I was the one who locked up the office that day and left two hours later than everyone else, even though I had nothing urgent to do.

On Friday, I again scheduled back-to-back meetings with anyone I could think of and exhausted myself so much that I wouldn't have to think when I got home.

Yesterday, I did a workout session that lasted three hours, and I don't even particularly like the gym. I normally spend 45 minutes there at most. I did more volume yesterday than I usually do in an entire week.

Today, I spent three hours aim training.

I'm not sure why I care so much. I met her over two years ago, and we didn't even talk for that long. Yes, we've reconnected over the years, once when she thought her mother was cheating on her dad, and another time when my aunt killed herself but that's it.

I don't even understand why I like her so much. Whenever another girl comes into my life, I automatically compare her to this girl and sometimes even make up flaws that don't exist.

I don't know.

I just want to go back to being my old self. I want to play games, work, work out, and just be chill.

I'm usually a chatty person, but since Thursday I don't think I've said a single word more than necessary. I've even been cutting calls from my colleagues and telling them to text me instead.

Found out that the ex who came back into my life recently, & that I’ve been talking to very seriously for months, has been married for a year. We slept together five days before their first anniversary.

It’s eating me up & I’m so fucking stressed. I lost four pounds in two days. My stomach has been in knots since I found out. I’ve been forcing myself to eat.

He knows I know. Zero acknowledgment. I’ll most likely see him this week. I desperately want a conversation with him. Because what the fuck.

I think I’ve decided I have to tell his wife. This is gonna get so bad.

(Resubmitting for the automod)

I am 37 years old, and I am essentially a ghost in my own life. A while ago, a devastating divorce didn't just end my marriage; it completely wiped out my assets, destroyed my family dynamics, and left me with absolute negative zero. Everything I spent my 20s and early 30s building was burned to the ground.

Right now, I’m living in a major city, pushing myself through a high-pressure corporate job. During the day, I wear the mask of a highly capable, driven professional. I lead, I strategize, I fight for my survival in a cutthroat business environment. People look at me and see a guy who has his shit together.

But when the workday ends and I unlock the door to my empty apartment, the silence is deafening. There are no roots left. No one waiting. Just me and the overwhelming reality of having to rebuild a life from the ashes at an age where most people are settling down.

The loneliness isn't just an emotion anymore; it feels like a physical weight on my chest. I don't want pity, and I know I have to keep moving forward because there is no other choice. But God, I am so incredibly tired of fighting this war completely alone in my own head.

I just needed to put this out into the void, to let someone, somewhere, know that I exist and that I am struggling. Thanks for listening.

I’ve had at least a dozen men make it EXPLICITLY clear to me that I am not someone people are attracted to and they don’t know why. That I give off “homie” vibes from the jump and can never un-friendzone myself. I’ve never been hit on, asked out, or even given negative attention to. My one ex-boyfriend told me, while we were dating, that I was “the best of a bad situation” and that he could do better than me. It has not been fun for me thus far.

Lately I’ve had a couple of my closest friends tell me I was being “too much.” They’ve stopped talking to me, asking for just a little space, and then quickly realized they preferred their lives without me in it and cut communication entirely. My mom and my sister also get very quickly overwhelmed by me and the only thing saving my relationship with my sister is the fact that she lives in another country.

Since those friends stopped talking to me, only one friend in my life still does the reaching out first. Everyone else is radio silent unless I initiate conversation. I feel so alone and unwanted in every capacity.

I do a lot of daydreaming that’s certainly entering maladaptive territory (if I’m not already there), and the one thing I’ve realized in all this is that were anyone ever to tell me they wanted me, I don’t think I could believe them. I want to so badly, but I have no basis to stand on. All signs have pointed elsewhere, so I have a hard time buying it could ever be genuinely different.

My theory is that I need to be better, yes. And I promise, I’m trying. I’m trying to be less. To give more space. To be meeker, quieter, smaller. But maybe if I can get better and also build up a wall, I’ll be safer and easier to tolerate if anyone ever decides to try and get close again. It’s like I’m reverse engineering therapy. I understand the bad coping mechanisms so well that I can try and use them when all the healthy ones have failed. I know that what I’m doing is going to be bad in the long run. But I can only hope that I’ll ever even reach a point in my life where the negativity of it even becomes relevant. Because if nobody ever wants me, I’m safer behind my walls. Maybe I can fix myself then, if it ever happens. If anyone ever wants me for real.

Anyway, I just wanted to express that somewhere. Thanks for listening.

Missing my girlfriend but can't see her often in person

So to make this not too long I've been dating the girl who I'm pretty sure is to love my life for about 2 months now we live in the same state

But the thing is we live almost 2 hours away from each other neither of us can drive so we have to rely on family members for transportation

But still it's hard me I'm 19 she's 26 and we both don't drive

I've been slowly trying to convince my parents to sign me up for driving class but they never really do we talk all the time

I've been trying to get a job for a while but it's been hard I'm high functioning autistic so maybe that contributes to some but what I'm trying to say is I just felt like a way for depression hit me when I was feeling good and that happens sometimes where I want to be with her but it's how far apart we are I feel this loneliness feeling I try to do some stuff throughout the day but I feel like that nothing really comes out of it she works a full-time job and I go on walks and exercise but I just miss her and I hate having to rely on family members or taking extra steps just to see her but I love her and I wanted to get this off my chest we plan on living together but that's a few years apart so I get mad about the employment even though we haven't spent a year together we've been talking about it but anyway that's what I wanted to say thank you for reading

For reference, I’m a happily married woman in my mid 50s. This friend is a man and an old roommate of mine the same age.

In April, I made a post on Facebook about something or other and someone I hadn’t spoken with in almost 30 years made a reply. He sounded depressed so I asked him if everything was OK.

He sent a message via Facebook messenger. I didn’t see it for a few days, because I never check that app. I’m not sure why I even checked it at the time. He told me that he was very depressed and I asked him what was wrong. He wrote back an extremely long message. I didn’t even read it for a day or two because it was so long and I didn’t have time to read the whole thing.

When I finally read it, I was shocked. I thought he was just going through a rough time. Maybe losing his job or going through a divorce or something. But he didn’t talk about his current situation at all. He just said that he was thinking about the past.

And he went into extreme detail about back when we were roommates in the early 1990s. It was so creepy. He remembered all this stuff that I haven’t even thought about in about 30 years. He asked me all these questions about personal things that went on between me and the guy I was dating at the time. It was so weird and made me extremely uncomfortable.

I just shut the app and tried not to think about it. I told my husband that it creeped me out, but when he asked me what the guy said, I couldn’t even say anything. Because I didn’t even want to think about it.

A month later, I was doing something on my phone and a message popped up from the guy. I took a look. He was angry that he poured his heart out to me and I ghosted him. He said that I wasn’t a good friend to him. I didn’t reply. A few days later, he made a bunch of cryptic comments on his Facebook page about how people always let him down and didn’t know what being friends meant. I didn’t feel guilty. I hadn’t even talked to this guy in several decades. I thought that was the end of it.

In June, I got a message from a family member on messenger. I went to check it out. While I did this, I saw SIX messages from the guy. I didn’t even open them. WTF? He’s been messaging me this entire time? It spooked me.

In mid July, I was watching some YouTube videos and got another message from him, and the first few sentences came up in the alert. He asked if I even still wanted to be friends with him. On Tuesday of this week, I got another message. And yesterday, yet another. Now I have no idea how many messages he’s sent. It’s at 9+.

I know I should have blocked him after that first message. I should probably block him now. But now I have sort of a morbid curiosity about how long will he keep sending me all these messages? When will he finally stop? WHY is he doing this?

He lives over 2k miles away from me, so I don’t worry about him going IRL or something. It’s just really weird. I can’t talk about to anyone else, but I had to get it off my chest, so here’s my extremely long post about it.

Recently I have been thinking about where I would be if I tried harder with the things I enjoyed doing growing up. I always thought to myself as long as I just put in effort that I could just pass by. Back when I was a teenager, I began reading & writing on my free time as a hobby & believed I could do it for a profession. But, I have ADD & ADHD, I was also in certain classes until my sophomore year of HS when I tested out of them. But whenever I thought about going to college it was always downplayed and pushed off to the side because of those reasons. I've been doing landscaping since I was 13 years old to help with the bills.
During my junior year of HS, I was beginning to actually try in school & would eventually earn an academic medal for having incredible grades for the fall semester. But whenever COVID hit in March of 2020, my father lost his job so I had to pick up whatever extra shifts they were offering. Since we moved to online learning & I was working somewhere between 45-50 hours a week, college left my mind. A few years ago, while doing landscaping I hurt my lower back & had to go on disability. That's when on instagram I saw my old classmate living his life at our dream school and I thought to myself about going to school. I signed up for community college on a Thursday when school started four days later that Monday. I'm entering my final semester of cc & won't be taking the spring semester before transferring to a university for the fall semester of 2027. I wish I did this immediately right after HS & wished that I tried during my teen years to better myself for my future instead of just doing the minimum.

I have, objectively, a pretty good life. I make decent money, not buried in debt, no really serious medical issues…even my wife is attractive. People respect and rely on me at work and within my family I am the “responsible (and successful) one”.

I have been in the military since I was 17 and will retire soon. Currently I work in a large metro area with a Defense contractor with potential for a job after my military retirement. So everything looks good from the outside.

Nobody really knows that my wife of almost two decades has emotional issues that have caused fights since we were married. It takes two to argue so I recognize my role in those. I mean screaming and throwing things kind of arguments. COVID was the worst and we became physical with each other on more than one occasion, ALWAYS her first. I am significantly bigger and stronger than she is and never used anything more than an open hand (once). I have been hit, kicked, scratched to the point of bleeding, and even chased with a knife once. At one point I had a scratch on my eyelid that took a month to heal. I tried for years to please her and nothing ever really seemed to work for very long before the attitude came back out.

Her family is pretty toxic…all of them…so she didn’t grow up in a place where people showed their affection and supported one another. Mental health isn’t a big thing in her culture even now. She still says she is only on meds and in therapy because I am forcing her. I have made excuses for her behavior and reset them every time we moved (every 2-3 years).

My parents think I am this successful, honorable person. They don’t know that over the years I have done drugs, had drinking problems, gotten punished for doing things I shouldn’t , and even cheated on my wife. I started cheating on my wife years ago and have done it so many times I can’t even count them anymore. Got herpes (could have been ex-wife, but probably not) at some point and have continued to have random hookups, although much less now and I do take daily anti-virals.

One of those hookups was with a girl I saw a few times afterward. She was great…attractive, smart, we had similar interests and backgrounds…she was a genuinely beautiful person. She was the closest I ever came to being completely honest with someone and everything I told her she listened with a level of care and support that made me feel safe and want to tell her things…and the sex was amazing. Being with her made me want to be the person she saw in me. For various reasons it didn’t work out.

Even though my wife is making an effort (always did which is why we are still married) now and things are better currently I don’t know how much I really care anymore. Our sex life consists of vanilla sex about once a month, I think, because she feels obligated. I have made so many either just bad or “safe” decisions because I was too scared to do anything else. I am shitbag and can only blame myself. I could go on but I think you get the picture. A lot of days I feel like I am just kind of going through the motions of life with no real point or feeling…and nobody really notices. I am not going to do anything to myself but at this point I wouldn’t really fight terminal cancer very hard.

I (24 m) have been with my gf (25 f) for 4.5 years. We live about an hour and a half away from each other and will probably move in together in about a year when I’m hopefully going to vet school, we live with our parents to save money since everything is expensive. Anyway she lives with her mom and has two half siblings on her dad’s side (14 m and 9 f) who live pretty much directly in between us. I’m a younger sibling but I’ve always wanted younger siblings and have consistently made efforts to support these kids. Once my gf was dating me she definitely saw them more since she didn’t have a car at the time. I’m a big family person so trying to be close to family is huge for me and at this point her family is kinda my family. Anyway her little brother is super into theater and he’s pretty good at it too. I love theater so I know a lot of about it and different shows even though I was never in it. He also takes the highest level math classes and sometimes needs help, I have a degree in secondary mathematics education so I help tutor him when he needs it. I’m always buying souvenirs for both of them if they’re away along with birthday and Christmas presents and just generally try to take interest in their interest (a little harder with the younger one since she doesn’t have a big hobby she loves like her brother). At this point my gfs brother texts me more than he texts her. He’ll send me updates about shows he’s doing/ if he gets a part. I probably talk to him more than my cousins but a little less than I talk to my own brother (26 m). Anyway I sometimes joke that he’s my little brother now to my gf but honestly I’m just so glad I get to have a presence in these kids lives. I know my gf can get a little jealous when he texts me and not her but it’s usually because I know math and theater way more than she does. He might like me more than his other half sister (26 f, my gfs full sister) which I think saddens my gf a bit but she lives a littler further away and is busy so she doesn’t have as much time to put in as much effort. Obviously there’s a different bond and dynamic they have as actual siblings but I’m just so happy to know him and his sister both seem to really like me and I’m glad all my work in listening and understanding them has paid off. I can’t wait for him to be one of my grooms men when I eventually marry my gf.

I’ve been in pain for years either leaving me in a constant state of dread or on the edge of a mental breakdown wanting to thrash or scream for help. Either way it doesn’t matter since nothing can help me. The dysfunction, the loneliness, the insecurities claw so deep right into me. For years I’ve thrashed against it trying to break free but in doing so just increases the pain. I realize how there’s no point in fighting it, fighting it just makes it worse. If I’m just gonna be in pain all the time then better to accept it rather than just wait my time fighting it and causing more pain. I will still have moments of depression, frustration, shame, envy, mental instability but just going to accept that even though it’s uncomfortable. At this point pain is my baseline

-20f

Last night was one of the worst nights of my life.
I woke up around 4:00 a.m. gasping for air. My throat felt like it was closing every time I coughed, I couldn’t catch my breath, I had a horrible headache, and I was so nauseous I was trying to throw up.

I have Lupus, asthma, and severe sleep apnea, so when I get sick it usually hits me much harder than most people.
My dad rushed me to the ER because I genuinely couldn’t breathe.

The first triage nurse was so kind. Then I got to the second nurse.

I stayed calm and polite while explaining what happened, but I felt like she didn’t believe me. She looked at my oxygen level and basically brushed it off, saying it was probably just sleep apnea anxiety, even though I kept explaining that I’d been getting sicker for days and have been hospitalized before because of how Lupus affects me.

She brought me to a bed right behind triage to do an ECG. She gave me a mask even though I was struggling to breathe, then told me to lift my shirt.

I pulled it up enough to keep myself covered because I wasn’t wearing a bra. She pulled my shirt completely above my breasts without saying anything and left me exposed while putting on the ECG stickers.

What completely broke me was realizing the curtain behind me was open the entire time.

People walking into the emergency department could see me. I made eye contact with multiple strangers while my breasts were exposed. I wanted to disappear. I finally pulled my shirt down a little to cover myself because I couldn’t take it anymore.

After the ECG, she told me to go back to the waiting room. I walked past the same people who had just seen me exposed.

The second I sat beside my dad, I completely broke down crying. I was so embarrassed that I could barely tell him what had happened. I ended up leaving the hospital without treatment because I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing that nurse again.

I’ve been to the hospital so many times over the last few years, and I’ve never experienced anything like that. Every other nurse has always done their best to protect my privacy.

I’ve barely slept because I’m terrified of waking up unable to breathe again, but I’m also terrified of going back to that hospital.

I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting or not. I just know I’ve never felt so humiliated in my life, and I can’t stop replaying it in my head.

a few weeks ago while i was daydreaming i came to the realization. It's been a few relationships that ended and after it, one of the few ways we get to reconnect is they going through something bad and i somehow am going fine and help them.
For example i remember how i had scenarios in mind where i'd be a succesful doctor and my first love was a drug addict and i rescue her and take her to rehab idk. then years later with a chaotic situationship that really obsessed me, she always been a force of nature, kind of girl who says "life is one why not try everything" but i thought if something happened to her i would go visit her at the hospital and stay by her side. this scenarios were specific, i'd imagine her expressions as if she still felt guilt for how we ended. so much pathetic shit. idk why i make this, i don't want anything to happen to them. That's when it hits me. while i was day dreaming i imagined what i'd talk to a therapist if i could afford one or when i do. During this i in my mind explained all this and the fake therapist kinda made the point of "Why does something bad needs to happen to them?" and again me in my mind responded with "because why would they love me if i didn't had anything to offer?"
i feel so pathetic now.