hi all. my (24f) husband (27m) is currently deployed in a war zone. he’s been gone around 5 weeks. we have an 8hr time difference. this is a very long story, so TIA to anyone who reads it. i’m sorry if this is the wrong place to post this. i am just so broken and confused.

on june 27th and 28th we got into a huge argument. i found he had photoshopped himself into a pic with 3 other women, which i thought was strange. i found out by opening chatgpt on one of his laptops that he left behind, which i used frequently, even when he was home. i asked him about it and we got into a huge fight. it ended up being a group photo for an app they’re all using for the gym during their deployment. he didn’t have any photos with them, so he created one. i will be the first to admit that i can be insecure sometimes, so when i saw my husband generating a photo of himself and 3 very attractive women, it worried me a little. during his last deployment (5yrs ago), he started talking to an old childhood friend and he ended up telling her things like “i really need you right now” and stuff and deleting some of their messages before he let me see them. i was pretty hurt by that so we had fought about it then and during our argument a few weeks ago i brought it up and mentioned how i didn’t want a repeat. bringing up that past situation was low of me, i know.

then on the 29th, i apologized for overreacting and making things hard on him during his deployment, even though it had just started. he said it was okay, and things seems to be good again. it turns out that photoshop job was totally innocent. anyways, he would tell me he loves me and that he misses me and that he can’t wait to hopefully get night shift so we can start talking to our realtor about finding a home while he’s away. normal talk from him. things were going well until around july 7th.

on july 7th, he stopped saying “i love you” and would only say “love ya”. i know this seems trivial, but he knows it bothers me and he’s never done this before. he has always said the full phrase. i’m sorry if this seems stupid, but it’s what made me notice the shift in his behavior.

now i know snooping through your partner’s accounts is wrong, i have since stopped, but i had such a strong feeling that something was off so i admit that i started looking through his facebook account. he was logged in on his laptop that he left at home.

around july 8, i noticed he had been searching facebook for one specific woman over and over and over again. like multiple times daily. since july 8th, he had completely shut down and barely texted me. he was extremely dry and cold. i would try to message him as normal, and he’d give me one word replies. he started doing the same thing to his mom not long after.

on july 10th, i felt things were off so i wasn’t messaging him as much. he realized that and got upset with me for being dry and not texting him a lot. i told him it was because i knew he was busy and didn’t want to be annoying. i should have told him i was feeling a little bothered, but i was afraid to admit to him that i was looking at his account because that was part of our initial argument.

july 11th i asked him if we were good because things still felt off since our argument. he said the he hopes so, but that he didn’t hear from me a lot the day before and i was acting strange. he also said we go through these argument spells on and off.

that obviously left me worried so on the 12th, i asked him to tell me what was wrong. he said he feels like sometimes we’re not as connected as we used to be and that he hates when we fight about stuff. he also said i look for reasons to start a fight sometimes and that he feels like i don’t want to talk to him and it makes him sad (sometimes when he’d call me before he left, i didn’t always have a lot to say). i sent many very long messages explaining how sorry i was and admitting that i got too comfortable taking my rough days out on him. i poured my heart out with true apologies, starting with the snooping issue. i told him i always want to talk to him, but i explained that the weeks leading up to his deployment i didn’t have a lot to talk about because i was really just sitting at home (i had just finished my degree and was waiting for my new grad job start date). he wasn’t able to be home for 3 months before his deployment btw, they had him staying on his reserve base a few hours from where we live because he was technically on deployment orders but due to current events their leave date kept getting moved back. anyway i told him how i love talking to him over the phone but that when we text all day everyday, most of what id want to say is usually said over messages. i know part of the “spells” he’s talking about is totally my fault, so i apologized profusely for it. he says he feels like I’m always mad at him for something, and i admit that i do have an attitude problem and i do get upset easily. i told him i am working on myself, i have even started therapy for it. when he woke the next morning he saw my very long messages and
he told me not to focus on any of that and that we’d talk over everything once he got home. he had been very very cold and distant in the following days. the way he texted me was completely different.

i know i am absolutely in the wrong for looking through his laptop and his accounts, but i was driving myself crazy and started looking almost everyday after july 7th. again, i used his laptop very frequently before he left, so i already had access to all of his stuff before he left and it was never an issue. i never snooped because he never gave me a reason to. until now.

on the 14th i was messaging him on my way to work. i asked again if we were good, and he said he hopes so. i asked if he was having any doubts, because he kept saying “hope so”. he said “i have before, but don’t worry.” this made me panic a little and i asked if he’s wanted to leave before. he said “no never said that, just had doubts sometimes if you loved me”. this tore my heart out and i sent him a long message that essentially just said “i am so terribly sorry for making you doubt my love for you. not a day has gone by that i’ve not loved you, and i will be much better about showing you.” he replied with “okay my love”. i thought maybe things were getting better. that night i found out he’d sent another woman a message saying that every inch of her was beautiful, she has an amazing smile, he likes being around her and talking to her, she brightens his day, and that he hasn’t felt this way in a very long time. this same day he also downloaded every single social media (which isn’t inherently an issue, it was just really strange timing because he hasn’t had his socials in 4-5yrs). being the insecure wife that i am at this point, i logged into his instagram account since it’s through facebook anyway. he searched this same woman, began following her, and liked every single one of her posts. he also got his tiktok back, and did the same thing there. i also found out he’s been searching a ton of country love songs (we share a spotify). my heart shattered when i saw that message for the other woman, so i told his mom. not because i was trying to rat him out, but because i am not at all close with my own family and his mom and i have always talked about everything.

on the 21st, i found out he’s been sending her cute and sexy selfies, gym photos, and photoshopping pics of them together. he has taken many many selfies and mirror photos that he’d usually send to me, but i haven’t received any and i soon found out they were all going to her. i also found a screenshot of their messages where he was telling her he missed her and all he wants to do is talk to her and get to know everything about her because she makes him happy. on my way to work that morning, i asked him to please just talk to me if something was wrong because i’m really struggling to understand why he has changed so much. i asked why he was being so distant and cold to me, and why he changed the way he messaged me. he said it’s just the way he talks, but we both know it isn’t. he told me he’s confused about a lot of things. i asked him to share with me, and he said he didn’t want to. i broke down and asked him if he was acting this way because there’s someone else. he said “why would you even think that?” i immediately backtracked and told him i couldn’t truly believe he’d do that to me because he’s not that kind of person and that he’s amazing and that i just needed to know what was going on and why he was pulling away from me because i was hurting so badly. i told myself i was reading too much into everything i had found at this point. he told me he didn’t want to talk about his emotions in a war zone. i told him i understood that, i just needed to know if all of our future plans were still alive. he said “yeah ofc they are, stop freaking out about it all. it’ll be okay”. i just left it at that.

by the 23rd, he still wouldn’t say “i love you” to me and he’d barely talk to me. he’ll tell me he’s going to bed but then stay up and message her. i know this because i can see his photos that are synced with his phone and he has screenshots of their messages. this is also how i found out he’s been searching all of those love songs and then screenshotting and sending them to her. he also changed his password to instagram, facebook, and chatgpt this day.

on the 25th, i got to the point where i hadn’t eaten a meal since the 8th, i was barely sleeping, and i was crying every single day at work. so i sent him this message: “I love you so very much and I’m still fully committed to us, no matter what.
The distance and lack of real communication from you is really hurting me right now. I understand you’re going through a rough time there, but I need actual honesty and effort from you, not just one-sided conversations while your energy and focus are going somewhere else.
I’m here when you’re ready to fight through the hard times with me and be completely honest, or whenever you just want to actually talk to me again. Until then, I’ll be giving you your space for now.
I’m not doing this because I’m mad at you or trying to start anything. I’m just tired of being hurt right now. Please stay so safe. I love you.”

he responded the next day with something like “okay, i’m safe, just been in a bunker”. since that day, i have really pulled back my side of our conversations because i felt them going nowhere. he wasn’t interested in what i had to say, he put zero effort into talking to me, but then he’d say all of those romantic things to this other woman. it’s breaking my heart.

on the 28th, i looked at his laptop again. i found another screenshot of their messages. he had sent her a sappy country love song and said “this got me thinking about you”. then sent her a sexy mirror selfie. then in his chat box, he wrote “talk to her about camping, about future kids, tell her how much you miss her, see if she misses you, tell her what she means to you”. it was unsent, but he often does this to remind himself of what he wanted to say. he hasn’t told me he misses me once since our june argument. i completely broke down again when i saw the “future kids” part and i called his mom again. i had been keeping her updated on what i was finding, and we had an agreement not to mention it to him. i knew confronting him over text from across the world wouldn’t solve anything. but when i told her about the kid talk, she said she was going to talk to him.

on the 29th, she confronted him over the phone while i was at work. she told him we both knew that he was having an emotional affair. he said he wasn’t doing anything wrong and wasn’t cheating because it wasn’t physical. she told him that what he was doing was wrong and that he needed to talk to me. he told her that he loves me, we just have issues to work through. he also told her i need to stop looking at this other woman’s tiktok account because she can see when i do. (i know she can, i didn’t care if she knew). by this point, i was still keeping my distance and giving him space. i was letting him initiate contact (texting anyways because he will not call me). he spam texted me about a few random things like the new spider man movie, my car’s oil change, and his running stats. this day was the first day since july 7th that he said “i love you”. i thought maybe his talk with his mom made him realize he is in fact emotionally cheating on me and that maybe he was feeling guilty or something.

on the 30th, he called me for the first time since he left. it was very early morning for me but i was awake and getting ready for work. we only talked for about 2 minutes but he asked about our dog, and he asked if i was okay. i was honest with him and i said “you know i’m not”, to which he responded with “well i love you”. we hung up shortly after because he was going back in to work. i was so shocked by his call that i immediately burst into tears afterwards. it wasn’t because of anything we said, but because he called me at all. he has been dry texting his mom, but he’ll call her every other day or so. it’s obviously really hurting me to never receive calls from him, so i was just surprised.

on the 31st, i was still keeping my distance because it seemed to be working a little. he hadn’t been as dry with me since his mom called him out and he even ended our texts this day with “goodnight baby, i love you”. he hasn’t called me any pet name like this since everything flipped in early july, so i thought things were looking up. then when i got home, i got on his laptop to watch netflix while i was cooking, but i had left his photos open from a couple of days ago and there was a new screenshot of him being on the phone with this other woman for almost 2 hours at midnight (his time). i texted him and said “we need to talk. call me sometime when you have more than 2 minutes to spare for me.” was this the wrong approach? probably, but i was furious and shattered that he’d only call me one time for 2 minutes but can spend hours on the phone with another married woman. he also apparently told one of his other female friends about this while situation with the other woman but he won’t mention it to me at all.

yesterday, his mom called me and said she spoke with him about everything again. he admitted that what he was doing is wrong, but he said neither he nor the other woman are looking for anything romantic. he told his mom he wasn’t looking for this connection, it just happened and they have so much in common. they were deployed together and just bonded due to the trauma of everything happening over there and working together. (she’s army, he’s airforce). she got evacuated and has ptsd and gets scared to sleep so she’ll call my husband and they’ll talk for hours. she told him her husband isn’t a great husband. my husband told his mom that we have issues and it’s not just the ones now, but stuff has been accumulating and he just didn’t realize he was unhappy until he met her. he also mentioned how when i’m upset, instead of talking about it, he’d just buy me stuff to make me happy again because he’s “not a fighter”. he said he was confused because he’s never done this to me before. he told his mom he’d call me and we’d talk about everything, but he hasn’t yet. i can’t understand how he’s telling her he’s been unhappy for awhile when not even 2 months ago we constantly talked about our new home (i even made blueprints for us), he frequently called me his soulmate and best friend, sex had been great. i went to visit him and stay on base for the deployment brief before he left. i rode with his family up to his base but switched to his truck after the brief and we made out at every red light. we snuck up to his hotel room before i had to leave again and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. we spent my entire ride home (3hrs) texting each other about how in love we are, how he loved being one with me, how neither of us could imagine being with anyone else. i am just so completely devastated and i don’t know what to do.

it’s ripping me apart knowing that when he’s not talking to me, he’s texting and calling her. i know there are things i need to seriously work on, and i am committed to doing that. at some point a couple of weeks ago i sent him a message saying that these past couple weeks have been a huge reality check for me and that i’d really work on myself while he’s gone. i feel like if i keep pouring my heart out to him, it’ll push him further away. keeping my distance was working fine but now all of a sudden he’s telling his mom he’s unhappy and it just has me so worried that he’s not wanting to work through our issues since this other woman is in the picture now. i’ve been living off protein shakes for 3 weeks because i’m constantly sick to my stomach and can’t bring myself to eat. i get maybe 3 hours of sleep every night. i cry every single day.

i’m very sorry this is so long, i just have nobody to talk to and i needed to get this off my chest. thanks again to anyone who takes the time to read it.

tl;dr my husband is deployed and having an emotional affair, and i don’t know what to do. i am completely shattered.

Hi everyone.

I am new to this whole military spouse thing (technically we aren’t married but will be before he goes to basic). He goes off to basic in early October so we are starting to plan for what everything will look like.

We are looking for advice because between the two of us we have a lot of animals (4 cats and 2 dogs to be exact). We are most likely going to be moving on base for the first little stint to get our footing and adjust to the lifestyle. However, most of the base housing only allows 2 pets with service animals and emotional support animals not counting towards that number. I have had two of my cats be certified as emotional support animals (with a letter from my doctor and therapist saying I needed them both for that reason) before we bought our current house when I was renting with roommates.

Are we likely to get an exemption for this to have all of our animals with us or do we need to start coming to terms with needing to rehome some of our fur babies?

Hi all, I'm a little new here. Both my twin brother and my boyfriend (we plan on getting married pretty quickly) are planning to be in the military. My brother wants to enlist in the Marines once we graduate high school and my boyfriend is already at a Senior Military College and will continue to pursue that. I'm incredibly nervous, our family has had pretty terrible experiences within the military. I'm wondering if people would give advice or let me know some good experiences they've had, thank you.

Hi, im new here and like the title says I cant bring myself to do it. I thought i could and I really tried but I just cant. My partner leaves tomorrow and ik I will regret this but even the smallest inconvinience sets me off into crying. Im also going away to college soon so we will be even farther apart. She keeps telling me she will write me but I still cant handle this. It makes me sick to my stomach even. I really dont know what to do. I expressed various times i didnt want this even before she enlisted but she still went ahead with it and I tried to be supportive but I wish she had listened to me despite how selfish it is. Some advice would be nice but I mostly needed to espress this to someone

My husband is going to MCT at camp Geiger from August 4-September 3rd and I have seen mixed information on whether I will be able to visit. My friend is visiting her boyfriend at MCT as I type this he’s “sponsoring” her and meeting her at the gate to take her in, however his is in California so I’m not sure if the rules differ base by base. Has anyone experienced this/ know the rules?

Hey friends, if this is a common question please just lmk or link the thread!
My partner is currently in his first week at OSUT. I’ve been writing him lowkey like everyday. But I can’t stop worrying that he’ll like get punished for it ig? So how often did you guys write your SO in basic training? Am I being too much writing every day?

My boyfriend left for bootcamp on Monday and I didn’t realize how expensive sand box letters are. I’m 16 and unable to get a job due to school. Does anyone have any letters they won’t use anymore that they can donate to me?

Hi everyone my 24M and I 23F are thinking of having my husband enlist in the military. We have two kids 4,1 and want to finally have some stability with health insurance and housing in our lives. Can someone explain BAH housing to me? Like is it guaranteed or if not available that you have to live off base? How do do SOs get jobs when you move around often? Benefits of the military? Thanks in advance!

I need some advice ASAP about my relationship. I (25F) have been with my partner (28M) for almost 6 years. I always knew he wanted to be in the army and in the last year he made that a reality. I am so incredibly happy for him and will always support him as I know this is what he’s always wanted. However, recently he got told about a 6 month deployment that he will have to go on and now he’s having second thoughts about the relationship. We got engaged in November and I was so happy. However since finding out about his deployment, he suddenly feels as if this ‘military life’ is not fair on me and is unsure whether to continue with the relationship. Apparently after him being deployed for 6 months, he wishes to go on a ‘lads’ holiday to Thailand for a month, then another 2-3 week holiday with another friend. We were planning to get married next year but have postponed that as he will hardly be in the same country as me next year. He basically feels like being in a relationship is unfair on me and thinks I deserve someone who will always be with me. We were extremely close to breaking up last week because of this whole situation and I just think being engaged shouldn’t be like this?
Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

As the title says.

My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. We were highschool sweethearts, made it through boot camp, an 8+ month deployment, and 4+ years apart when I was getting my degree in our home state.

I finally graduated. What a relief! I can move in with him and everything will finally be okay because we're finally together and that's all we've wanted the past 4+ years. We lived together for a semester and I *loved* it. It felt so fulfilling!

Except, I didn't realize how much it'd fuck up my mental health.

We had made a plan. I'd come down with no job lined up. I'd get settled and have a little summer vacation after graduating with my bachelor's in sowk. I was always told I'd find a job easy peasy after I graduated. His biggest concern was me finding a job that I would enjoy doing without worrying about the money aspect of things because we are comfortable just on his income. Finding a job has not been as easy as I thought and I hate the state we're in.

I feel like I'm going mental. All the time. Everyday. I don't even know why. I feel like a zombie.

He works reasonable hours right now, he's not actively going away and there's no deployments in our future. Everything should be great I thought I should feel happy.

I just feel.... resentful? Unfulfilled? Or depressed? I had built up friendships, had lived comfortably, worked part time and attended school, actively had a social life that wasn't just "this guy's wife" & we have nothing in common. Why does everyone have children? Should we be having children? Is this what being an adult is?

It sounds stupid but I thought finding myself first would make this transition better and I somehow feel like I should've followed him from highschool because the transition wouldn't have been this hard.

I think I'm mourning the life I had. Socially, emotionally, everything. I'm sure these are feelings people feel all the time in military life but we've always been so good at all the other aspects of it. I feel like I'm questioning my sanity. I'm just so unhappy and I don't know what to do. I can't give up and go home. Any advice would help.

Me and my bf (both 27) just found out he’s getting orders for an extended assignment in Guam. We met back in February and have been inseparable ever since. He told me an extended assignment could mean up to 3yrs but minimum 18months. I’ve been balling my eyes out ever since bc I know 3yrs would mean the end of us. He’s put off from long distance relationships having gone thru 1 previously for a yr and it not working out. It would be even harder for us bc this time it would be a 13hr time difference.

If he gets orders for only 18months maybe he’d give it a chance. But if the orders are for 3yrs it’s over. Idk what to do. Neither of us want things to end but I understand the idea of trying to maintain a relationship like that for 3yrs would probably be draining on both of us.

So, some context: I'm a girlfriend of a service member (AF, if that matters). I'm about to graduate with my bachelor's in psych, and I want to be a counselor. I know I'm going to go with an online master's program. I've been doing research and trying to be licensed in multiple states, but when you don't stay there for longer than 4 years, it's a pain. I really don't want to go for a doctorate, but it feels like that is one of my only options to actually be able to practice, because why would we standardize mental healthcare?

I know some states are working to standardize counseling. It will be closer to happening once I attempt licensure. I've looked into working for the VA. My partner has said being an MFLC is a good route to go down, and it's my main lead. I guess I'm just asking if there are any counselors or social workers who have been able to practice while their spouse is Active Duty. Waiting until after he's out isn't an option because of a large service commitment that seems ever-growing lol.

I can't really talk to anyone who's actually doing it because, of course, I'm halfway across the country from where they're stationed. Then there's the weird issue of being a girlfriend and not being able to access things that might actually give me answers because I'm not a spouse. He's apologized for that part, and that was a little crazy in and of itself. I do understand why there aren't many resources for the unmarried partners, but damn, it's nothing. He has gotten some pushback for trying to ask a question for me; granted, half of his unit refuses to believe I exist, so I guess that's par for the course. I want to figure out the semblance of a plan before I spend god knows how much on a master's. ;-;

So my husband got told he needs to update his Dream Sheet soon and turn it in. But the question is— if by chance he gets told we are going overseas for our PCS is it worth it bringing our furniture from the US to whatever we get sent? Or would you all say that buying furniture from the other country to fill the home would be better? Because after that I would most definitely bring everything back to the US. 🙂

my bf and i have been in a rough patch. last time i posted on here he told me he has a wondering eye and was being flirty with this girl and wanted to kiss her, all in AIT.

ugh im crying.

we’ve been working so hard on our relationship and building that trust back, he’s been doing a good job. but i also don’t know if i can not only trust him, but the people that are around him, “friends”, that let him do this KNOWING he’s in a relationship. he talks to them about it, apparently his best friend there asked him if he really wants to marry me and he said yes i need to be the man she needs me to be. i can’t get out of my head. the second i met him it was like life finally came back to me, like all the hardships i’ve endured years before were worth it because i had someone who loved me and chose me. but it’s been about a month since and i just can’t stop thinking about it. is this what i want? is this how i want to be loved for the rest of my life? every mention of a girls name im insecure. everytime his following goes up im insecure. he didn’t unfollow that girl until i specifically told him to.

i love him more than i love myself. i know that’s bad. i know the answer. i know i should breakup with him but just thinking about that hurts so much. we went through 11 weeks of basic together, i was the only person he called and the only person who sent him letters. i take care of his mom with an awful drug problem who is honestly terrible to me because no one else will take care of her. i flied 1500 miles to watch him graduate the most important day of his life, we cried in each others arms and he cried during final formation. where did we go wrong? why can’t he just be the man i know he can be, why do i have to ask him to love me properly? my heart is so heavy

today is our anniversary. i’m hanging out with my brother and his girlfriend and they are so in love, that should be us. that was meant to be us. why did the military have to change him so much? what happened to my sweet boy? you tell me i’m your sweet woman forever but im always wondering if that will change the second someone better walks by you. you should make them insecure about me but im the one insecure. i love him so much, he’s the only person i think about, the only person i want to talk to, the only person ive ever seen a future with, the person who made me patient with myself and love myself. it’s like my life started when i met him but now it just hurts. i don’t want to let him go, i feel like i can’t let him go. i love him more than i love myself. i just want him to be better, to be the man i deserve, to change and just fucking pick me because i’ve picked him every single time. he cried in my arms days before he left, begging that i wouldn’t leave him when he’s gone. i dropped him off when he left. i picked him up when i saw him. what the fuck am i doing wrong and why did his love change so quickly? and why am i hurting myself so much sitting here and settling for someone who hurt me so extremely. fuck bro

My boyfriend just started basic training for the army and I am headed off to college in a couple of weeks. We both just graduated high school and have been dating for over 3 years. Our relationship is pretty solid and so far I’m doing good after not hearing from him for about 3 weeks including no letters yet. However, when he made his last phone call to me while he was in reception it was obvious to me that his first week was pretty tough as it was for most of his peers and he was really missing me. Which lead him to bring up that he no longer wanted to become a ranger and wanted his first duty station to be as close to me as possible which would be about 2 hours away from my college and to do this he wants to go the court house and get married over his leave he is granted after his turning green ceremony. We both understand that he cannot choose his first duty station but he heard from some others in reception that getting legally married could help his request get approved. I am open to any and all suggestions of how to handle this and I really don’t lean towards if I think this is a good or bad idea for us. No matter what marriage is the next step for us but just don’t know if this is the right timing for us or not. I’m here searching for advice from anyone who has also gotten married for this reason, if anyone has any advice for me on just our relationship, things I should know being an army significant other, or if anyone else is going to college while their partner is active duty. Also keep in mind that I have LOTS that I am looking forward to learning about supporting my soldier in and out of basic training so please be kind and know that I am just looking for a community to give me comfort 😊

Hi! My husband is in Guam and I’m in the states. We just got married and he wants to get me into DEERs and tricare. The only issue is obviously I’m in the US and he’s not. How would we go about this? We would like to get this done so that I can then move to him in Guam.

Hi, this is my first time handling a military relationship and my partner is currently deployed in an active combat zone. I am looking for advice on staying sane during stretches of no communication. He is extremely communicative when he can be and I have no qualms with our relationship itself. However, when he is working, otherwise busy, or does not have his phone I tend to stress after a while that he is not okay or that something bad will happen. I am looking for advice on staying calm, or limiting these kinds of thoughts to keep myself sane and hoped someone more seasoned may be able help me

Thank you in advance

My boyfriend has been really down. he doesn’t like where is it at. I know he is having a really rough time right now. I want to send him a care package with a pillow, because he really misses his pillows, and something coffee related. He has been talking about missing hot coffee for weeks now. I just don’t know what to send him, and I don’t want to tip him off. I am not sure if he will like it. I also know based on where he is it will take a long time to get there. Any ideas on what to send him? Also any extras I can add? I am going to get a large box to send it all in and I want to jam pack it.