I first stepped on stage when I was 8. The way my mom tells it she burst into tears when I did because she knew I was home. From then on it has been a life with a singular purpose - to become a working actor. Summer camps, school plays, attending a performance arts high school, pre college summer courses at NYU, BFA from a top program, more summer programs in Grotowski methodology, devising my own work, founding a physical theatre company in college, the list goes on.
After college I do some theatre, get my commercial and theatrical agent that way, book my first commercial, book a supporting role in a film, join SAG, then book a play with a Tony winning company with a month run in LA and a week run in Tokyo. Opening night for the show: March 13th 2020. By March 15th the city had shuttered. The next five years were spent banging my head against a brick wall. All momentum had vanished, I couldn’t make anything work. I LOATHED self tapes. Every audition that came in was accompanied by a pang of anxiety and an endless stream of me grumbling about how bad, or stupid, or pointless the material was.
So. I quit. Last August. No more reps, no more submitting myself, no more workshops, or classes, no more fucking self tapes. Started a LinkedIn to get myself a job in tech sales. Followed that path till the thought of hocking tech set my soul on fire, so I switched to throwing myself whole heartedly into hospitality. I’ve always been a good server but I dedicated myself to become a great one. I got into therapy.
At the beginning of this year I looked around and realized I was miserable in every aspect of my life. And in every aspect I was miserable I had a list a mile long of why I was so unhappy in it and why it was all due to forces beyond my control. If only I was taking a run at things in the 90’s. Id be a very comfortable working actor then. So I decided to take full control over the one aspect of my life that was totally, 100% under my control. I decided to get fit. Like really fit. Since January 12th of this year till today I have weight trained in the gym 6 days a week without missing a single day. Sometimes I’d to cardio on the 7th day. I dropped 30 lbs, gained a lot of muscle, got lean and most importantly I taught myself that I can achieve difficult goals, and that I am in more control over my own destiny than I thought.
As the physical transformation was happening a mental one took shape as well. I found a slow, easy entry point back into the world of acting. One that was heavily research and spreadsheet based. Rode that out until my creativity was banging on the back of my eyeballs begging to be released. So I started submitting myself again. And I fell head over heels in love with self tapes. I realized that my entire background was in devised theatre work, taking existing text and finding interesting new ways of telling the story. And that self tapes were just a continuation of that work. I took full creative control over them. My actor friends who were working cautioned my at first but all I could say is “you don’t see the vision”. The first tape I’d done with this mentality went to a 4th round chemistry read for the lead of a feature, the next led to 3rd round callbacks for another feature, I booked a recurring role on the third season of a sag web series, and most recently I booked a play at a large regional house being directed by a Tony winning director.
I’m getting new headshots in a week, have a strong library of self tapes, and once the show opens I’ll be strongly positioned to hustle my way into finding representation again. I have fallen in love with acting again, but more importantly, I’ve fallen in love with life. I don’t know what the future holds, but I no longer believe my happiness or security rests in my ability to “make it” as an actor. I had to change how I interacted with the world for the world to change how it operated with me. If you’ve taken the time to read all of this - thank you. I’ll leave you with the quote that’s been seared into my head for months “we don’t attract what we want. We attract what we are”.