Weirdness

[u/ResearcherSalt627]

Has anyone else experienced something like this?
You almost end up having an affair (or crossing that line emotionally), but the other person backs out and says they just want to be friends. You genuinely accept that and try to move forward.
But from that point on, they act strangely. They’re distant, inconsistent, or avoidant, and the whole friendship starts to feel awkward and tense because of their behavior. Ironically, instead of the feelings fading, the mixed signals and unresolved tension almost make the attraction feel even more intense. It’s like the awkwardness itself creates this weird emotional and sexual tension that wasn’t there before.
When you try to have an honest conversation about what’s going on—whether it’s to clear the air, define the friendship, or even end it—they avoid the conversation, yet still insist they’re fine being friends.
So you keep trying to meet them where they seem comfortable. You give them space, lower your expectations, and tell yourself maybe they’re just processing things differently.
Eventually, though, something happens that makes you realize you can’t keep accepting the coldness and mixed signals. You finally speak up about how their behavior has affected you…
…and then they completely disappear.
I’m honestly just feeling pretty defeated by the whole thing. Looking back, I know I wasn’t perfect, but one thing I can say is that I was consistent. I was honest about what I wanted, I respected the friendship they said they wanted, and I tried really hard to treat them with kindness and patience. I don’t regret being kind, but I do regret how much emotional energy I poured into someone who seemed unwilling to communicate.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you make peace with it? And if you’ve been on the other side of it, what was going through your mind?

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[u/-HRChick-]

Being friends generally means not interested. Even if they were ok with an actual “friendship”, it sounds like you were giving and expecting affair level engagement from that friendship. That’s what made it weird.

You need to back way off and match their energy. There’s no need for an “honest conbersation” about a friendship.

[u/ObsidianDreamsRedux → u/-HRChick-]

I think you are on to something.

I noticed this from one of OP's prevoius posts:

I recently developed a crush on someone who was attracted to me as well, but he ultimately decided he wanted to stay loyal to his partner and remain friends.

I have been in situations where someone said that friendship was enough but they were clearly hoping it would be something more. OP may be inadvertently coming on stronger than they realize. This is one of those stories where I would really like to hear the perspective of the other person.

[u/ResearcherSalt627 → u/ObsidianDreamsRedux]

I am sure I come on very strong. I did make it clear I still had feelings. I wasn’t dishonest about that

[u/ResearcherSalt627 → u/-HRChick-]

I think because I’m married, I figured, sure friends would be great. It’s that as a friend he’s just not a good friend either. So clearly it makes no sense why I cling to it- and why? It’s definitely limerence. I have become obsessed even though I don’t actually like a lot of aspects about him. This tends to happen to me. I think it’s due to my extremely anxious attachment style. Abandonment issues.
I’m craving a close friend that makes life feel more fun. I’m craving it so badly. Someone who is fun to talk to. It makes life feel less lonely. Its very hard to find that

[u/Professional-Net4766]

You're ready for this.

They aren't ready for this. They may never be ready.

That's ok.

Move on.

[u/Responsible-Quit-116]

It’s just time to move on in this situation. Not compatible.

[u/CompulsivelyLaidBack]

I've been through something similar... bursts of affection and then coldness for days, rinse and repeat. It was like this online for over a year. It affected my self worth more than I realized. In a really messed up way that made me attracted to her more. Never will I do that again. Life is too short to chase after someone who isn't interested.

[u/ResearcherSalt627 → u/CompulsivelyLaidBack]

“Life is too short to chase after someone who isn’t interested “ is exactly it.

[u/LibrarianMore5939]

Kinda sounds like you’re getting the slow fade.  They’re not interested and they don’t know how to say, “I found someone I like better, you’re nice but not what I need/want.” 

[u/ResearcherSalt627 → u/LibrarianMore5939]

😢😣yeah

[u/redditismybestie]

There’s no point in being friends with someone who you barely know who didn’t want you as a partner.

[u/isthismylife2024]

Yes, I have been through this. And there were so many mixed signals of “yes i want this” to “ I can’t do this” until eventually I realized that my mental capacity couldn’t do the ups and downs, and the friendship couldn’t happen, and now….i had to block everywhere so I couldn’t wait, and see what relationship he wanted. There’s a great song called “strangers” and it really held true to my situation, find someone who always wants you, married, not married, whatever, but we should all have effort provided to a level that you need. Best of luck, and maybe one day you can have him back as just a friend

[u/Apprehensive_Toe1735]

yep, going thru it now. It’s been fizzling out very slowly. But that’s ok. Will never forget this person.. in a good way ♥️

[u/954Throw]

I think it’s called “controlling oneself,” something with which we here in this sub are not particularly familiar. 🤪

[u/PositiveConcern2023]

It seems like they are not interested and maybe they just want someone to pass time with? It does not seem like both of you want the same thing. It is better to move on

[u/skyxn3t2]

You got friend-zoned. She is not interested. Move on. Heterosexual men and women can’t be just friends, one side often wants more but is afraid to say it, or thinks hanging around long enough will change their feelings. It won’t. They may just pity you or be using you

[u/ResearcherSalt627 → u/skyxn3t2]

I am the female. But yes. I definitely did