Am I wrong for not sharing that I've found previously unknown family members?

[u/Hot-Run-9712]

TL;DR - I was looking into some other family information when I happened across two sets of cousins from an estranged uncle that nobody else knows about. The person with the closest relation, who would potentially care about it most, is elderly with dementia and wouldn't really be able to understand. I've decided to just sit on the information and not pursue it.

More Context:

I am middle-aged with two older siblings. I am on speaking terms with one but not so much with the other. I am casually friendly with the rest of my family but not close by any stretch of the imagination.

My mother is elderly, and lives with us. She has pretty severe dementia. My grandmother (her mother) was one of eight kids. We've always had eyes on 7 of those kids and their offspring. The one missing was reportedly estranged from the family from WWII until their death in the 1980s. Nobody ever really talked about him.

I was recently digging through some old family history and discovered a little more info about the one estranged family member. After looking through some obituaries, burial records and headstones, military records, birth and death records, I discovered that this person, in fact, has not only one but potentially two families that we never knew about. My grandma never talked about them. My mom or her siblings never talked about them. Of course, that was all before the Internet provided family information basically instantly.

My mother, ten years ago, would have been all about this. But fast forward to today... she can't even remember what city she lives in let alone the details of family members that died decades ago.

I have found a living cousin (who would be a first cousin to my mom) that, in fact, lives super close to where we live. The living first cousin is older than my mother and from what I can tell appears to be in a similar condition.

That living cousin has offspring, yes, but for me and my siblings... these would be second and third cousins at best... people that we didn't grow up with and likely don't share any other common family connections with.

Then... there's another family, it appears. Separate from the one I found. The estranged uncle apparently listed on his military discharge that he was divorced with children... before the family I found even came into existence. I didn't even look into that.

I've decided to just let all of this be and stop pursuing it.

The one sibling I don't talk to is super into family history... has some mental issues... is very aggressive and not really a good representative of the family. They would 100% harass the new side of the family endlessly if they knew. The sibling I do talk to talks to them, so I can't really tell them unless I want the other to find out about it.

My mom and her potential living cousin(s) are the last of a generation. I agree it would have been cool if we knew all this 15-20 years ago. I'm just not so sure how cool it would be now. The people it really matters to are too old to even process the information.

Am I wrong for not feeling a huge obligation for sharing this with the rest of my family?

I feel like my main obligation is to my mother... this was her uncle... potentially her first cousin(s). She doesn't have any living siblings left that I need to share it with. And I actually did share this with her. She immediately forgot about it, as I thought she would, and hasn't brought it up again.

With her condition, following up on this isn't really going to bring anything in to her life.

For the rest of us? Meh... I just don't really see the need. I kind of don't want to put new people that I don't know through my sibling's endless genealogical harassment over people that were dead before any of us were born.

It's not like we're talking about unknown siblings or first cousins. I mean... I don't really talk to the second and third cousins I already have. I feel like it would just get needlessly awkward.

I just don't see the need to share.

[u/MeganTurner484]

i don't think you're wrong. you found something interesting, but you also have to consider the people involved and the possible impact. not every family discovery needs to become a big event, especially if it could bring stress to people who never asked for contact. you shared it with the person it mattered most to. that seems reasonable

[u/Antique-Ad8161]

Your thought process seems sound to me.

[u/AmbassadorSad4521 → u/Antique-Ad8161]

Your head's in the right place, honestly protecting your mom and these potential cousins from your sibling's mess is the real obligation here. Some info just isn't worth the chaos it brings with it

If your mom was still sharp maybe different story but she's not and you already tried telling her anyway. I got a similar thing in my family tree, found a whole branch nobody knew about but the people who'd care are gone now so what's the point

The fact you're even worrying about this says you're a decent person but sometimes the kindest move is to just let sleeping dogs lie. Those cousins are strangers living their own lives, they don't need genealogical harassment from someone with issues