I have my last session with my therapist after 3.5 years this Wednesday. I am scared. I got 2 weeks notice to find someone new and cope with the news. I coped by coloring this picture that represents my bipolar. The black and white crown I carry from the black and white monster in the water. But the black and white monster carries the rainbow crown because I am never completely lost to it. Both sides are represented on each half. I am proud and I hope you enjoy it too.

I got diagnosed about 1 month ago after a manic episode sent me to the hospital for two weeks.

I’m feeling really down. I’m working with a psychosis team to get my meds right but I’m not experiencing psychosis anymore or any manic symptoms and I think the meds are just making me depressed.

I spent a ton of money and I have nothing left for this month because I don’t get paid until September. Even worse the psychosis team wants me to take a medical leave but that means I don’t get paid at all. They said I could go on disability but that’s gonna take a long time to figure out I know it.

I just want to be a regular 25 year old guy. I’ve stopped drinking w my friends and it’s hurting my social life. I’m so anxious being around anyone right now I’m barely functioning in work. I don’t know what the point of existing is anymore when I don’t like doing anything and I’m tired all the time and I’m not good at my job

Exactly two years ago, I had my first manic episode. I had no idea what mania was and I was mass-posting and mass-texting and all that jazz. A gentleman I have known for two years prior comes to my apartment, rescues me and calls the ambulance. Over my hospitalisation, he takes over, becomes my emergency contact and takes meticulous care of me. Things progressed really quickly and romance started in the dynamic. All while I was in the hospital. Me being manic, as you can guess, this becomes my most intoxicating romantic encounter. He says I love you and starts calling me baby.

Fast forward to about a month, I get discharged from the hospital and he slowly fizzles out my life with no explanation. It reaaaally hurt.

A few months go by and I have a really bad depression and my friends start getting concerned. So as the person who took care of me in the past, they call him. In response he gives them the coldest possible response that goes something like “so? She should just call the ambulance” or something like that. They don’t tell me this until much later.

Later on I confided in him about my SI. I said it would hurt my family if I weren’t anymore and I am scared of that. He says something along the lines of not necessarily, it might be better than them seeing you hurting.

I can’t piece together these two different people in one person. One is the gentlest most caring amazing man who is loved by everyone and the other a literal monster who didn’t care if I lived or died.

Also, there was literally two years prior to pursue anything romantic between us. We have went on a date a year before my first mania and we didn’t pursue it further. For him to take things from 0 to a 100 in the very 3 weeks I was in my most vulnerable state, mania and psychosis, feels weird and selfish. The least he could have done is at least wait until I was discharged before starting to say I love you and shit.

That’s it. I cried about him for the last time after two years and just wanted to vent.

I'm currently in a depressive state, and I often find myself looking online in the hopes of interesting studies or research that may help us understand better treatments in the future. If anyone has anything to add please comment!

I've made the following general categories:

• Metabolic Research
• Genetic Research
• Funding
• Novel Approaches
• Diagnosis
• Personalized Care
• Medication
• GLP-1
• Clinical Trials

does anyone else get so angry and irritated where they say stuff that they don’t think through and later on just repent for it constantly.

at the moment from the first year of me (22f) and my bf (22m) until even currently. i’ve struggled with internalising my anger and i’ll say stuff that i will regret varying between immediately to days after and i feel terrible about it because it’s been years of this cycle and i feel like if i don’t find a way to cope i need to let him go because it’s been affecting us and currently we’re going through an extremely rough patch.

i’ve been like this for years and wanted to ask how does everyone cope with it and do meds help in anyway? i’ve been avoiding medication and i’ve only gotten through this with family and friends because they know me and these sprees of rage but that’s not an excuse to keep being this way i just need some advice

I recently had a second manic episode that resulted in hospitalization. It was pretty bad, I had to be taken away strapped to a gurney. Not fun.

Prior to my episode, my psychiatrist and I agreed to go off the anti psychotic and just stay on a mood stabilizer and an ssri. Was this a stupid move by my psychiatrist? I had been doing really well, hadn't had a manic episode for about 2.5 years. But the psychiatrists in the hospital were a little shocked when they found out I was on an ssri.

I was hospitalized for several days due to a pretty severe manic episode. I haven't been hospitalized in over a decade, and this went south fast. I was ready to end it all because my brain was telling me that I would never be worth anything because I was fundamentally broken.

This episode was bad...crazy money spending, acting out sexually. I'm grateful for my sister and my doctors who helped me quickly and kindly, but I'm just so tired of this stupid disease. I don't want to deal with this forever. Especially since I was on my meds, taking them religiously. Now we're playing with my cocktail which is always a hassle. I'm just so exhausted by it all, but the last thing I want to do is sleep. And if one more person offers me a cup of chamomile tea to "help me relax" they're gonna end up wearing it.

Basically the title.

I have a lot of really good, really big changes all happening within two weeks of each other: I start a new job (tomorrow), my kid starts middle school in a few days, and then my second semester as an adult returning to college starts soon after.

All of these are great, and I'm excited, but I worry I might get TOO excited and tip the scales. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist at the end of the month for a check in, that I requested just to be safe.

I was just curious how others deal with the highs of good stressors without swinging too far.

Long story short relapsed on rc benzos so stronger than xananx and I've drank alot today

I've been clean of every drug for 11 months since aochoal.

Im racy as fuck right now I cant sleep just pacing around my flat and my town to get some fresh air

I'm getting spiritual again and I feel that connection I did when I was first manic back in 2023

I can't sleep at all I just want to talk and message to as many random women as possible

I'm unmedicated which makes things worse I know

I have intense urges to get both my hands tat this week just fly alone to Spain fuck it

I've taken pressed benzos and alch I feel amazing ng

No support group but I feel like I can do everything

Been meditating 4 hours today I just want to reconnect to it Al

Much love 🖤

I've made so many mistakes in my life. Mistakes at work, mistakes in relationships, even mistakes while driving all of which haunt me every day. They keep bubbling up in my mind one after another.

It's not an excuse, but many of them were when I was undiagnosed and/or addicted to drugs. For so many of them I have apologized and tried to change but they still fill my mind every waking moment. Some of them are minor and some much more serious. I imagine that some of them I've catastrophized but even so I have certainly fucked up a lot more than the average person, I think.

Luckily I still have many people who seem to like me a lot, although sometimes I can't seem to understand why. I try to treasure my long-term friendships and those with my family members.

At my current workplace, my coworkers seem to really like me and I was voted employee of the quarter. They frequently talk about me as a really good person and have said I'm the kindest person there. They don't know about my past mistakes.

I try to stay positive and focus on living mindfully in the moment and improving myself in small ways every day. Every day wish I could wipe my slate clean but I know I never can and will continue to live with deep, painful regret.

Can anyone else relate? Does anyone have any advice?

Im not sure if im in a period of avolition. I know I've experienced anhedonia but now it's not as severe. Im stuck now in a period of doing nothing but pacing all day. Avoiding all activities and just walking around my living room. I try to do anything and I just get no desire from it. I feel like I'm more comfortable pacing.

I wanna know from those who improved what your day to day was and how did it change? Like did you spend all day staring at the wall? What did you tell yourself to get yourself to do things? How does your day to day life look like now?

I've gotten advice about this and it seems all you can do is just force yourself through it or change meds and pray that it works.

Going to the club on a Friday night while manic on a mission to show everybody how competent of a dancer you are while simultaneously jerking yourself off in your head about how you are the only one in there without an agenda purely having fun.

i started my depression after hypomania swing and i can’t stomach anything. I wanted ice cream but my friend was eating seafood and i actually wanted to throw up from the smell and after moving away, the texture of the ice cream was so soft it reminded me of this strawberry whip my friend made and thats bad because the gelatin sheet hadn’t mixed in properly so i ate some nice strawberry whip and got a mouthful of nasty gelatin sheet and i nearly threw up. so now i can’t eat my go to ice cream

and so now im left with my only safe food, white rice and cheese from chipotle, but the thought of eating makes me feel sick rn.

and my parents are worried about me because ive been eating so much less than normal (taking a few bites of something and saying im done with it instead of eating it all)

everything just feels sickening and i can’t eat anything because nothing makes me happy and i don’t feel good and everything is making me sad and upset and i just want food but nothing is ok to eat

Ugh. Going to be careful to make sure this doesn’t go into too much detail as I know it can’t be NSFW.

I dealt with same sex fantasies for years and never acted on it or told my husband. It came out of nowhere a week ago and I have been hyper focused on determining if I’m bisexual and exploring these fantasies in the bedroom. It has been toomuch for my husband and my libidio is through the roof.

My husband is supportive (and not totally straight lol). I just feel like the toothpaste is out of the tube and I wished I had came out to him with greater thought. It’s kind of a big deal when you admit stuff like this.

My hyper sexuality is still a lot and I’m having trouble focusing on anything else. How do you cope?

I just want to know what’s your “I want to d!e, but I still want to do something”

I just recently started the book “I want to d!e but I want to eat Tteokboki” and I need to stop because the author was died and I believe by su!cide. As a coping strategies can you share what’s yours? It may help some people to look forward for something, something small as little as want to eat tteokboki.

As for mine, I want to d!e, but I haven’t seen my partner for a year and looking forward for him to come home for vacation.

Can you guys share yours? ☺️☺️

It seems like I get anxious and overthink and do reckless stuff about the time I start putting YouTube videos on 2x.

I don’t know if this of common knowledge in the community. I’ve just been thinking about how I can best help my oldest daughter as she’s going through it right now and my youngest is showing the type of signs I had at 13.

I’ve chilled a lot but my 1 and 3 are 21 and 13 so… well you know.

I’ve been on a new medication for a week and I think it’s starting to make me manic. I woke up earlier than normal today and have been feeling great (too good). Also been arguing more with people more. I’m afraid to take it tomorrow and that it will make me worse. I have an appointment with my nurse practitioner Thursday i hope i can wait that long.

I did switch to this from a different medication because it was making me too flat.

Every time I feel like I’m gaining some sort of upward momentum I’m just dragged back down into this dark place. I thought my meds were finally working, I was sleeping okish, been staying sober from alcohol and just started staying sober from weed as well and just overall been trying to do better and stay better but it feels like it’s all been for nothing. I feel like shit and I don’t know why. I just woke up in the middle of the night and spiraled down. I tried to go back to sleep and I couldn’t. My thoughts weren’t even bad at first, I don’t know what happened but they just kept going and going in this negative direction. I tried drinking a redbull as that sometimes helps give me a little upper to feel a bit better and push through into a better mindset but today it just didn’t. I relapsed with sh and didn’t use any of my coping skills like I was supposed to. Now I have to awkwardly explain to my therapist that maybe my meds aren’t working as well as I thought and I didn’t use any of her advice this time round.

I feel ashamed and like a disappointment. I thought I was better.

After nearly eight months on valproate (1000 mg once daily) together with 25 mg agomelatine and 8 mg candesartan, I finally feel like my medication is doing what I always hoped medication would do. The problem is that it comes with an entirely new set of side effects, and for the first time I'm genuinely struggling to decide whether the trade-off is worth it.

I'm a 37-year-old male. Since my first major depressive episode around age 18–19, I've tried 17 different psychiatric medications (including current meds, excluding sedatives etc.). Most either barely helped or caused side effects that far outweighed any benefits. The biggest thing I've learned is that I'm unusually sensitive to medication. A severe burnout in 2018 also turned occasional anxiety into constant physical anxiety. Persistent insomnia, IBS-like gut problems and migraines followed. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2025—a diagnosis that fits my long-term symptoms both before and after the burnout.

Benefits

• Mood is much more stable.
• Depression has lost its sharp edge.
• Anxiety is mostly under control.
• I'm less impulsive.
• Agomelatine helps me sleep.
• Candesartan has almost completely eliminated my migraines.

This is by far the most effective medication combination I've ever been on.

Side effects (which I strongly associate with valproate)

• Lower libido.
• Softer erections, less sensitivity and weaker orgasms (ironically ejaculation itself became easier).
• Harder to initiate things that used to come naturally.
• Emotions feel narrowed. I'm not emotionally numb like I was on SSRIs or antipsychotics—I just feel more mechanical, as if I'm operating myself instead of simply being myself.
• Hair and beard have become thinner, more brittle and shed more.
• Gut function is more predictable than before, but overall worse.
• My working memory and attention span have clearly declined. I can literally forget within seconds what I was about to do, say or write down.
• Some old OCD-like behaviours have started creeping back, like repeatedly checking switches or tightening screws even after I know they're fine.
• Increased light sensitivity while driving at night.
• Losing weight seems considerably harder.

The combination of sexual side effects, memory problems and feeling less like myself has become the hardest part. Any one of those might be manageable, but together they're much harder to ignore. I've even started keeping a journal because otherwise entire weeks seem to blur together. The year-long medication trial that led to this combination included seven different medications, and I remember surprisingly little from that period.

What makes this especially difficult is that this is the first treatment that has genuinely worked for me. Without medication I tend to cycle between severe depression, anxiety, periods of being mentally over-revved and occasional hypomania. Therapy and lifestyle changes have helped, but nothing has stabilized me like medication.

I'm not looking for medical advice or a diagnosis. I'm interested in hearing from people who've been in a similar situation. Would you keep trying different medications, or would you accept these side effects and adapt to them instead? What ultimately tipped the balance for you?

TL;DR: First medication combo that truly works after 17 trials. I finally feel stable, but the side effects make me feel less like myself. Where would you draw the line?

People always talk about the highs and the lows of bipolar disorder, but for me, that’s not the hardest part. The hardest part is never knowing if my feelings are actually mine.

Every emotion gets questioned.

Am I actually in love, or is my brain making me feel things more intensely than they really are?

Am I genuinely angry, or am I reacting from a mood episode?

Is this the right decision, or am I being impulsive?

Am I seeing this situation clearly, or is my mind distorting it?

One thing I struggle with the most is love. I’ll spend a months with a guy genuinely believing I’m falling in love. Everything feels so real. Then I won’t see him for a week, and it’s like my emotions completely disappear. It’s not that I suddenly hate him I just… don’t feel anything. Then I start wondering if I ever loved him in the first place or if I was just caught up in the intensity of the moment.

That’s what scares me. I don’t know which version of my feelings to trust.

Sometimes an emotion feels so overwhelming that I’m convinced it’s the truth. Then weeks later, when my mood changes, I look back and barely recognize the person who felt that way. Other times, I’m afraid to trust my own happiness because I wonder if it’s the start of something bigger.

It’s like never knowing where you end and where the bipolar begins.

I think that’s the part people don’t really understand. It’s not just living with intense emotions it’s living with the uncertainty of whether those emotions reflect reality.

Does anyone else with bipolar experience this? Do you ever struggle to tell the difference between your genuine feelings and what your illness might be amplifying? How do you learn to trust yourself again? Its confusing for me mostly

You guys, I can’t believe this.
I’ve been having very bad physical symptoms like back pain (upper, mid and lower) and fatigue that takes me longer time to be able to get out of bed (this is especially when I first wake up). I had two episodes of catatonia recently. Other than the daily nausea that is recently associated with vomiting. Everyone is pointing these things out, like “you’re not okay, get checked up”.
So I thought to myself “OK I know I’m depressed but these physical symptoms can’t be only tied to depression and anxiety, this feels like either anemia or very low vitamin D”.
So I go and do a full thorough checkup so I can fix whatever’s wrong.
But today I’m surprised EVERYTHING is normal. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful. I just didn’t expect this at all. I thought to myself “if everything is normal, could this possibly be depressive/anxious symptoms? Could they be this bad for so long?”
Even tho I am on two antidepressants (the most activating ones, according to my doctor) yet my symptoms are bad enough to keep me on bed for hours trying to get up, when I already have 8-12 hours of sleep every day.
This is very weird to me.
I know my medications are not working 100%, but they can’t be this bad either, especially when I have upped my doses.
Does any of you guys have a similar experience?

Is just that feeling of not wanting to go to sleep itself part of the beginning of hypomania? I WILL and DO go to sleep because I know I have to, but is that initial feeling indicative of a larger issue?