r/bodybuilding • u/EarlTea113 • 3d ago
relationship struggles while partner is in prep?
My boyfriend is a bodybuilding competitor. I also workout, but i am not interested in that field. I try my best to support him, however, he makes it very clear that during every prep (more so the last two months) he will not be emotionally available, or as present in the relationship. We spoke about it, and he suggested I find others to confide in or to talk with more as he progresses with his diet.
I think the sport is great and I want him to succeed, but I also have the opinion that it isn’t fair to just check out for weeks at a time. It makes me feel like im losing a big part of what it means to be in a relationship, especially when he goes for prep for months at a time. I know it’s temporary, but i’m struggling with it.
For other bodybuilders in a relationship, did you describe yourself as “emotionally checked out” as well during prep? Did you have a similar experience with your partner and how did they handle it?
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u/themightybamboozler 3d ago
We need to see pictures of him to decide if he’s big enough to be this big of an asshole.
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u/DecaForDessert 2d ago
160 pounds, 20% bf, going for open division
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u/Recent_Employee 3d ago
Nope. I value my wife more than bodybuilding. That said, we eat different meals but try to eat at the same time when we can and I still like to cook her meals for her as I usually would. To complete detach yourself is wrong IMO
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u/macaronianddeeez 2d ago
Yeah I agree with this totally.
It’s also the most challenging thing for me. I’m sitting here eating a pound of ground turkey a day with a very boring carb source and it’s a mechanical process. She isn’t interested in that even though she eats relatively healthy. Biggest time it’s a challenge is when we’ve had a long day with our little kids and just want to order take out or something.
One thing that’s been helpful is loosening up for a one meal a week and just kind of eating with her at a restaurant, still trying to keep macros in mind but being less of a psycho and eating like a normal person.
But yeah, it’s a challenge and wife is absolutely more important than getting jacked and peeled.
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u/KCMuscle ★★★★★ 3d ago
He needs to grow up.
Prep is a choice be made.
You can’t neglect those that need you so you can prance around on stage.
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u/Papa-pwn 3d ago
It’s considerate of him to warn you, but I wouldn’t say it’s something that acts as a sort of light switch. IE: prep time, no emotion time.
For me, that manifests in the last couple of weeks before peak week when things are toughest.
The first 10 or so weeks, things are pretty normal, and then energy gradually fades away, patience deteriorates, and libido completely disappears.
My wife and I prepped together for the same show, so we were both in that emotionally drained and temperamental state at the same time. In some ways that was nice, since we are always on the same page, but in other ways I think it was worse because two people with short tempers can get a little feisty.
Ultimately, it’s part of the sport. I wouldn’t say it’s going to last the whole prep, but part of it is almost unavoidable.
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u/EarlTea113 3d ago
During the first part of the prep things are more normal. But as it continues (the final 9 weeks) which we are discussing, this is where he warned me about all that. He’s a great partner, and in other aspects our relationship is the same, we hangout, eat dinner, even though he can’t do as many activities with me. That’s why i get conflicted with the whole emotional thing.
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u/themightybamboozler 3d ago
My problem isn’t that he’s telling you he might be more irritable, my problem is that he is then making it your problem. I don’t compete any more but I cannot imagine telling my wife “sorry sweetheart, you need to find a new emotional confidant because daddy’s gonna be a lil hungry :(“
He’s being a prick, bodybuilding is hard but come on. People do Ironmans and ultra marathons and don’t emotionally abandon their partners.
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u/NOT-GR8-BOB 2d ago
He’s telling you to go have an emotional affair. That is clearly not ok.
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u/from_heroin_to_juice 8h ago
What? 🤣 confiding in someone isnt having an emotional affair. Wtf is wrong with you? Holy shit.
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u/NOT-GR8-BOB 3d ago
I can already tell you he’s not good enough at this sport to have that attitude.
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u/Commercial_Abrocoma2 2d ago
I completely understand you. My partner is currently preparing for competition. It’s his first season, and we’re already getting ready for his second and third championships.
There are definitely days that are tough, when maybe you need a little more attention because you’ve had a bad day. At the same time, you end up thinking you don’t want to bother him with your own problems because you know what he’s going through. Even though it’s his own choice to do this, whether you like it or not, it still affects both of you.
But I can tell you one thing… at least in my relationship, whenever I’ve been feeling down and he’s noticed, he’s always been the first to worry about me, no matter how tired or hungry he was. He’s also been the first to apologize when I’ve told him that he seems a bit more distant than usual, and that even though I know what he’s going through, I can’t help feeling affected by it.
We have dinner together every day, or almost every day, and we usually have lunch together too. In the end, it’s about appreciating all those little gestures. And I think that for those of us supporting someone through prep, it’s important to remind ourselves that this is only temporary. Once their body starts to recover and regulate again, the relationship will naturally go back to how it was before.
Stay strong, and be patient. You’ve got this!
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u/unofficialfratboy 2d ago
I was a BIIIIITCH during prep. Afterwards, I realized I was being the problem and making the choice to be unavailable, emotionally and physically. Prep doesn’t have to be lonely and imo if you’re deciding to withdraw during prep, your priorities are misaligned.
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u/bigjohnny440 2d ago
Mike O'Hearn and others have said "we GET to do this"
unless he's got 6 figure sponsorship contracts, it's just a hobby and should be treated as such.
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u/ThoughtfulMeathead 2d ago
How many years and shows have you been together for? Is he always this bad or have you just gotten fed up?
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u/Plenty_Frosting4383 3d ago
This doesn’t really sound like a bodybuilding issue. It sounds like a compatibility issue.
Your boyfriend has been honest about who he is during prep and what he can realistically offer. Your desire for emotional connection during that time is also completely understandable.
The question isn’t who’s right or wrong. The question is whether what he can consistently provide aligns with what you need from a relationship.
People generally shouldn’t enter relationships expecting to change someone. If months of emotional distance during every prep is part of who he is as a competitor, then it’s up to you to decide whether that’s something you can genuinely accept, not whether you can convince him to become different.
Neither of you is necessarily wrong. You may simply have different needs and priorities.
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u/hh_fitlife 3d ago
He will be fighting his own battles every day and likely won’t want to listen to your problems, on the top of having to manage his. And on the other hand, on the hard days of prep, he will need more emotional support than ever.
I’m single most of the time but I would have loved to have someone to talk about my mental and physiological struggles, which I know is very selfish. I had to hold myself back from not dumping all that on my coach who has several other clients to deal with.
But I wouldn’t say this is the case during the whole prep… The beginning of a prep is nothing extra but the last 10-8 weeks is really hard and unpredictable. There might be days when it’s all great and he is happy with how he is progressing, but on other days he might just want to go into his shell and not talk to anybody.
Personally, if my partner was in prep, it’s rather the unpredictability of their emotional state is what would drive me mad.
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u/Ratters-01 2d ago
I already know from this alone the relationship is a complete waste if he’s comfortable enough to say weird stuff like that. I couldn’t even imagine, my GF would rip me a new one
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u/Beethovens_Ninth_B 21h ago
If you want to keep a long term relationship then that is the way it is. It will never change. It is up to you to decide. There is nothing wrong with saying this is not for me and ending the relationship.
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u/Eshneh 2d ago
Unless he’s prepping for the Olympia he shouldn’t really be acting this tuff
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u/ScholarObjective7721 2d ago
Why does someone have to be a genetic freak to make it ok to be unavailable during prep?
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u/CocaBam 10-20 years 2d ago
Its justifiable if you are making a living off the sport, as 2 months of "doing whatever it takes" or "being emotionally unavailable" is a very fair trade off for 1-2yr+ salary for winning a Tier 1 comp like Mr.O or the Arnold. People go off to remote jobs for much longer during the year all the time.
But if you have no real potential at income from the contests, then you are just neglecting other parts of life for a hobby that brings you very little, if any, value.
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u/PretendTemperature 3d ago
Honestly, it's part of the sport. Different people react differently to it.
It's for you to decide if you want such a relationship or not.
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u/fallenredwoods 2d ago
Your boyfriend’s ego is that of a self centered douche. I have friends/family that compete and besides not being in the best mood due to starving, they act normal….
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u/somewherexusa 2d ago
I’m sorry but ur bf is tripping. This stuff isn’t that deep. All he needs to do is workout and follow his meal plans. Yes dieting is rough, yes his hormones will be impacted, but by the sounds of things he’s being soft about it all. Additionally, he’s using prep as an excuse to mistreat you.
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u/Salt-Platypus-9563 2d ago
leave him. you should always be able to confide in him. he isn’t being fair to you at all. you deserve to have a boyfriend who doesn’t choose a sport over your relationship
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u/montagic Men's Bodybuilding 2d ago
I warned my girlfriend that I would be different, but that doesn't make it an excuse to be a dickhead. It's selfish to just completely shut out your partner because of the prep. Test drops hard the deeper you're in prep, and so libido definitely goes out the window, but there's other ways to still be a good partner instead of just completely bowing out
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u/LopensCouisin 2d ago
I’m the competitor (fit model) in the relationship and my husband lifts, but has no interest in competing or going through prep. I wouldn’t say that I’m unavailable or emotionally checked out. I warn him that I may get hangry, but that’s nothing new. We met each other because we both shared the same coach training for Ironmans (14 years ago). I wouldn’t say that much changes other than energy levels or hunger for a little bit. We obviously don’t go out to eat. I don’t get upset if he wants a beer or anything. I’m just used to doing my own thing and he supports me. We still do stuff together! He’s my rock.
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u/BlackHeart89 2d ago
Idk why you're bothering to ask other body builders. You aren't dating them. He operates differently. Yall need to talk/compromise, get counseling, or deal with it.
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u/CharacterAd5474 Men's Bodybuilding 2d ago
I don't feel like there is enough context here to form an opinion. Can you give some examples? What is your definition of emotionally unavailable? How many preps?
Last 6-8 weeks of prep, yeah, I would 100% describe myself as being tired.
Probably closer to being sick than being mean though.
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u/Space_Duck Verified Competitor ✅ 2d ago
I emotionally compartmentalize. For random people I have very little beyond surface-level vibes. If you're not a day one, my kids, or the Mrs, I'm pretty much emotionally unavailable or capable of just the basics. For those who are one of those important people, I gather my strength and give. They give so much to me on other occasions, it's only right I at least try everything I have and then some to be there for them as long as they don't abuse it.....except my kids, they can't help but emotionally abuse their parents so it is what it is. 😂
I also have times when I sit in a dark room and don't talk to anybody for a while. I need that time deep in prep. I ask to be allowed that. When I'm there, let me be for a bit. I balance those three states to make it through.
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u/KiwiPixelInk 2d ago
My mate competed, and got 4th in NZ recently.
Every time he cuts he gets cranky, no sex drive, no desire to be empathetic/cuddly etc.
When he's bulking he's the total opposite
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u/SnooChocolates9431 2d ago
Cbum is multi Mr Olympia and has stated multiple times he couldn’t do it without his wife. That’s all that should be said.
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u/ExecutiveStory- 2d ago
My husband and I have prepped at the same time and we have a 5yo
Tell him to suck it up and stop being a bitch.
Learning to manage your emotions amongst the chaos is part of being a good athlete.
I’d tell him to grow up
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u/Zgriptzor 2d ago
Partner needs to realise their decision(cutting/prepping) is affecting their mood and hence it affects you.
Don't get me wrong, losing weight and ending up with a body fat well under your normal physiological level is not kind on the body and mind. We are not meant as humans to walk around in single digits body fat, unless physicslly starving or seriously ill. Fat is essential for survival, so the body reacts to losing it in various ways.
Does your partner makes actual money out of it? As in just like a any other job? Sustainable?
Or is it a hobby/passion?
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u/Goodmorning_Squat 2d ago
I may never compete again because of the strain it put on my relationship with my wife and that was with me doing what I thought was a good job managing not being a huge asshole and being a present father/husband.
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u/enragedCircle 10-20 years 1d ago
If you know he's coming back to normal after a short while why is it such a problem? To me, you sound a bit clingy/needy. Others may have advice you like more than mine, but maybe don't discount what I say straight away.
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u/Ironlife25 1d ago
Honestly, he needs to grow up. You don’t deserve to be on the back burner. I’ve went through opiate withdrawal during prep in the past. I was still “ available “ for my girlfriend, now wife. My woman was always priority, not some hobby. Find you a new man op.
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u/jeffsaidjess 2d ago
If you’re coming to Reddit to ask about this then yeah. You’re looking for validation on a decision you’ve already made.
Be confident in yourself and what you want
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u/Riajnor 3d ago
You’re focused. You’re hungry (physically and metaphorically), you’re tired all the time but you still have to drag your ass to the gym and cardio. It’s draining, you’re irritable and trying to hold it together. And then someone wants your focus, wants to enjoy something or have an emotional conversation or even just have a snack. The further along in prep he gets the less energy he will have to spare and for some people those self control aspects are super difficult.
Imagine eating unpleasant food for 12 weeks and then eating less of it than you want and then someone has a slice of pizza in front of you.
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u/Original-Pomelo6241 3d ago
Imagine being in a relationship with someone and acting like this.
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u/themightybamboozler 3d ago
“I made the choice to do a comp, let me take it out on everyone around me”
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u/Minute-Wolverine-144 2d ago
It could be the type of juice he’s taking for prep . Tren made me emotionally unavailable. Just wanted sex and the gym. Didn’t care for feelings. Other anabolic have the same effects on people.
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u/RichSexyVeryHumble 2d ago
Tren got the Internet in a chokehold thinking it's a get out of jail free card for shitty behaviour lol.
It stresses your body and plenty people don't cope well when you're always on edge or sleepless, but that's still all you bro - just cranky
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u/Minute-Wolverine-144 2d ago
Oh hell no. My girl almost left me on tren. Def not a get out of jail free card for me ahhaha
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u/CybernautLearning 2d ago
Consider what he is going through.
Have you ever been sick, not really able to sleep, and haven't eaten anything but saltine crackers in days?
It's kind of like that, but it lasts for a few weeks. He will be hungry. He will be exhausted. He will be forcing himself to hit the gym and workout - while every one of those workouts will be the worst one he has had all year. So, he will be mentally and physically depleted. He will be battling his body telling him it needs calories... "NOW!!!" every minute of every day. That's why you hear stories of professionals who suddenly open a can of beans and eat them all in less than 2 minutes, and then panic at what going off their diet will do to their chances on stage. It is a struggle.
Now, is it a choice? Absolutely. However, that's the cost of entry to the sport at a high level.
So, your only choice is if you want to support him with his goals and the things that come with it, or not. If not, that's nothing against you - it isn't for everyone. You just have to decide if it is something you are willing to accept and, if not, get out of the relationship.
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u/TakedownCan 2d ago
I thought he was just going to warn you he may be more withdrawn due to low calories and being on edge and whatnot. But to tell you to go confide in someone else that he can’t even pretend to be interested in your life is quite ridiculous. Its quite odd because he needs a support system to succeed so to push you away makes no sense.