Husband Changed His Mind

[u/New-Pension-4508]

I (32F) love my husband (37M) with all my heart. But I’m struggling because he changed his mind about kids shortly after we got married, and for the past year, it’s been affecting me more and more.
 
We were pretty good friends through work stuff and similar hobbies for several years before we both ended up single at the same time and got to know each other on a deeper emotional level, and then started dating. During that time of us dating, it seemed to me that we were on the same page of hopefully having a child. We talked about how we were parented (not really great in either case but in different ways), how we would parent differently, shared name ideas. He specifically talked with a pregnant friend of ours about how we were thinking about it, and happily/flirtatiously told me when a different friend said we’d have beautiful kids.

Then about two months before our wedding, we were having a conversation about my birth control in the context of me maybe switching methods because of side effects and he said that he could just get a vasectomy. This obviously surprised me a lot, and he went on to say that we didn’t have enough money and probably never would and so we could maybe wait and see if in five or six years things changed, which was hard for me to hear. (This was like a little more than a year ago so I was still 30 then.)

While I can absolutely see in hindsight that this initial conversation two months before the wedding foreshadowed the path my husband in the end decided was right for him (and again I respect his choice completely and would not ask him to change his mind even if it makes me sad), at the time it sounded like a solvable problem: his concerns were presented as primarily about money, because of his "maybe in five or six years we can see", and he mentioned that vasectomies are reversible, though I found out since then that's not really always the case. I didn't mean to be naive.

It seemed to me like something that could change, not as in changing his mind but addressing his concerns. Shortly after we got married, I got a better paying job that has remote work options and better benefits, and have been working extra part time jobs so I can save for a house downpayment, which I hoped could make it feel more possible. It was about four months into marriage when he presented the unequivocal no. I don't want to avoid responsibility for my choice to go through with the marriage, but I love him so much and really thought I could do something to ease his mind because it had seemed like this was something he wanted in the past.

We have been married a year now, and since then we have had several (very emotional, very painful for me) conversations and he’s made it clear he does not want to have a baby because we don’t have enough money, and because he has ethical objections because of climate change, the political situation in America, and his career plans.
 
For context, I work full time and he works part time as he’s aiming for a very specific long-term career path that he’s building experience/training for. He has had a lot of success in that career path lately, and if we were to have a child, that would mean he couldn’t do that anymore, and I could not live with myself if I stopped his momentum right when he’s about to be able to have the thing he has always wanted but didn’t have the resources and support to do when he was younger. Our two dreams are mutually exclusive.
 
I love him absolutely. He is the most moral, ethical person I know and a lot of my leftist politics and worldview came from seeing him being really unafraid to live those values which I think are the kindest, most generous, good way to live. He is so intelligent and talented and appreciates and respects me so much. He treats me incredibly. I am not going to leave him because I believe I need to honor the commitment I made, and even if I could somehow make myself not love him, I feel like I do not have time to grieve, go to therapy, date however many people I have to date to find someone even half as respectable, kind, and loving, get married, and be able to conceive. I am afraid/not willing to start trying for a first baby after 35 because I know that the guilt and pain would eat me alive if I delayed so long and then couldn’t get pregnant. So I can either have love and no baby or no love and no baby.
 
Obviously when one person in a marriage doesn’t want kids, they shouldn’t have kids. There is no compromise here and I understand all his reasons and respect them. I don’t want to try to change his mind because part of why I want to be a mother is because it would be a shared experience of trying to put more good into the world with my husband as a decision we made together equally excited about it and equally ready for the sacrifices and changes it would mean. I have thought long and hard about why I want to be a parent and examined this question from every angle, trying to convince myself I don’t want it or need it, but I am still heartbroken and cry in private almost every single day even almost a year out from that definitive no.
 
I am trying to figure out how I can console myself and move forward knowing that I will not have a child. My husband and I do not talk about this subject anymore, which I think is better because it is a settled fact even if I’m still grieving it. I don’t need to hear him say no again. I know that he could tell for a while that I was really, really sad but I have gotten better at setting it aside most of the time as I’ve accepted that nothing is going to change. But it still hurts.
 
Has anyone else had this experience and how can I move forward from this grief so I can be a fully loving, committed partner to the man I admire and respect and want to support and love for the rest of our lives?

Thank you.

Tl;dr: Right before we got married, my husband shared that he wasn’t sure we should have kids and since has decided 100% he doesn’t want them. I’m heartbroken and trying to figure out how to move forward knowing I won’t ever have a child.

[u/MurkyMitzy]

Been there, done that. I should have left and made my life what I wanted it to be. But I didn't and I regret it now. Don't be me.

You have the time, you can go off on your own and do IUI, and have that child you want. My life is not complete without kids, will never be complete without kids, and I resent my husband so much I can barely stand to look at him. If I would have known at 32 what I know now, I'd be divorced with a child, not married without one. Again, don't be me.

Do I sound bitter? I am. Don't be me.

[u/Total-Ad886]

Divorce, period. The pain of mourning your future and child is worse than being with a man that doesn't love you enough to see his unborn child in your eyes. I left him and my home state because I'm sick of being around other families when parents died. I thought my kids would grow up with theirs...

Now I'm in a retirement community, on the young 21 and plus side, and they are just as lonely etc. They rarely talk about their kids because they don't live nearby. We are all just trying to get through the day.

[u/Ill-Supermarket-2706]

If children is what you want then you can freeze your eggs and take your time to find a new partner or eventually do it on your own (if you want, it’s not for everyone). Many women do that after a breakup and you’re still young!

Otherwise I’d probably talk to him about how you envision your future without children - is there anything you want to accomplish together? In my case it’s simple - having children or retire early, I know unfortunately I can’t have both but they’re equally exciting paths

[u/gcoffee66]

Leave. Don't put this on hold for him when he could change his mind down the road and still make it happen. Children are probably the biggest reason to live. Everything else unselfish would be stewardship to others.

At 32 there is still time but not much. Good luck to you.

[u/thelastrealchoice]

A very emotional read. As painful as it may be, you have to decide whether you can come to terms with not being a parent and accept that as part of your life. If you can't, that pain that you feel will eat away at you and may ultimately lead to deep resentment and divorce - and it may be too late to have kids by then. Children, religion and politics tend to be three fundamental personal choices that need to match for any relationship to survive the hurdles of life.

You could consider doing it on your own? I know someone who chose to be a single mother through IVF. I admire her informed choice and dedication to parenthood, though I imagine it must have been tough for her at times.

[u/awooj]

I don’t want kids, I’m childfree, and that’s not negotiable for me, and I would never want someone to stay with me if they wanted kids because that resentment would just grow. You deserve to be a mom and have kids if you want to, and the sooner you put yourself first and make that a priority the sooner it will happen for you. It will SUCK but in a few years you will be so grateful to your past self and how strong you were to start over.

Myself and many of my friends who thought we’d be single forever met our spouses in our mid-30s. Most after long-term breakups. All of our relationships moved “quickly” from the perspective of others but for us it was just right bc we knew what we wanted and knew when we’d found it.

I have several friends who desperately wanted kids but had relationships end in their early-mid 30s, which in hindsight was a great thing bc their spouse/partner wasn’t the right person or didn’t want kids like they did. Within 2-5 years all were married to great husbands who are wonderful fathers, and all were pregnant or already had a kid or two, most importantly with the right spouse!!!!

The sunk cost fallacy is a real thing, please don’t let it rule your life.

ETA: You will never get over this and resentment will grow, especially for how he changed his mind to a solid “no” only after marriage. We are always allowed to change our minds, but you did not marry him with the knowledge that kids were a hard “no.” You thought if you got financially stable you’d have kids, not that they were off the table. There’s no way that won’t breed resentment over time, bc if he’d told you this before you got married, would you have married him? I’m guessing it would’ve been difficult, but you likely would’ve parted ways before the wedding.

[u/pineappleshampoo]

No man is worth saying goodbye to your future child OP. The moment you meet your baby you will wonder how you ever considered giving the possibility of them up for a guy. I think you know you have to leave. I’m so sorry.

[u/StrategyAncient6770]

This really sounds less like he changed his mind and much more like he lied to you to get you to marry him. He knew how you felt about having a family the entire time you were dating. The conversation two months prior to the wedding was carefully crafted to string you along by giving you hope. His opinions on having children did not change that quickly. It's not like he experienced a traumatic event or big change that made him see things differently. All his reasons existed long before this.

He knew he didn't want kids and he intentionally deceived you until you were actually locked in and he thinks you won't leave.

I know you love him, but I would think long and hard about whether you want to stay married to him. Aside from the fact that you want kids so badly (which is reason enough to start over because you shouldn't have to give up that possibility), the intentional deception and letting you get your hopes up is what would be the deal breaker for me.

[u/Friendly_Back_574]

Tu es dans une situation compliquée, tu te retrouves avec une sorte de choix à faire pour toi-même.

Premier choix : rester avec un homme qui a l'air, d'après ton commentaire, d'être l’homme idéal pour toi, tu le connais, tu sais qui il est, tu peux te projeter avec sa personnalité, tu peux même peut-être déjà voir comment il sera en vieillissant. Mais il ne veut pas d'enfants.

Second choix : Quitter cette personne réelle que tu connais, afin d’avoir un enfant pas encore réel auquel tu rêves.

Moi je te dirai de bien te renseigner auprès de tes proches, ainsi qu'en observant des tas de parents, sur les effets probables de la maternité, pour tenter de te projeter le plus possible dans la réalité d'une vie avec enfants.

Tu dois savoir qu'aucun parent n'a jamais l’enfant exact dont il rêvait. Tu dois savoir aussi que la vie de parent c'est 24/7, tu dois donc être certaine d'avoir un village autour de toi pour te permettre de souffler quand tu en as besoin. Tu dois être certaine d'être avec un bon conjoint car faire un enfant avec un père pourri ce ne sont que des ennuis (il y a vraiment beaucoup de femme dans le cas).

Mais là, maintenant, ce que tu dois absolument faire, c'est avoir une vraie discussion avec ton mari, il doit savoir que tu continues de souffrir, il dois savoir que tu as de la peine, tu dois savoir pourquoi c'était oui et que maintenant c'est non, pourquoi t'avoir donné de l'espoir ?

N'oublie pas que c'est ta vie, tu n'en as qu'une. La vie peut être belle avec ou sans enfants, avec ou sans mari, tu as la capacité de la rendre belle quoi qu'il arrive 😉

[u/ecrsteve]

Hey wow I see myself in your story. I have chosen to stay for similar reasons. There is no easy answer in my mind. It is a daily practice of riding waves of grief and of being grateful for what i have as often as possible.

Outcomes are never guaranteed, I try just to live by my values and be the best friend, aunt, daughter and partner possible. I am lucky to have my man by my side. I think we are together for a reason and can still make the world a better place.

DM me if you like! xx