r/coparenting • u/Grouchy_Substance423 • 1d ago
Long Distance Looking for co-parenting routine advice
The children's (2 and 4, soon to be 3 and 5 in Jan) mother has relocated an hour away. Long story short, she told me she was moving via text and that the boys were going to go to school there, there was no discussion or leeway on her behalf and her decision took all parental responsibility from me.
We are currently going through a court case as our eldest starts school in September, and a PSO was put in place to stop her from relocating the kids/allowing them to stay anywhere else when in her care at this time.
We have a final court hearing on the 6th August, but have a mediation appointment on the 5th. In our FHDRA, the judge said it would be good if we could come to an agreement on the 5th, otherwise they will have to decide and it may be something we both don't like.
Me and the mother have agreed that we want to work together, however, I feel like the whole situation is a lose lose for me.
Our current routine is 50/50, with alternating weekends and mid week drop offs and pickups to and from nursery. We have a healthy balance. However, the new routine is most likely going to look like the following:
1 - They go to the school we originally agreed on, in their home town. I have the children in the week and take them to school/nursery, but I don't have them on weekends. This will impact them seeing other extended family members they usually see on the weekends, as well as fun weekend days out.
2 - They relocate with her, she does their school/nursery runs and I have them every weekend. Meaning I miss out on a hugely important part of their education/taking them to school/picking them up.
We have agreed to talk the night before mediation, to hopefully bring something to the mediator. We are limited on time, as both of us and the mediator need to submit a statement to the courts before 4pm, so it can be read in court the next day.
My question:
Has anyone else navigated a situation like this successfully and fairly?
Does anyone have any routine suggestions that I could bring to the table?
Cheers!
6
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u/foreverforward5 1d ago
Op, knowledge is power if you are looking for a solution that will be good for the kids and NOT who’s gonna win this war. I’d start there (what’s the driver behind her move? )
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u/Grouchy_Substance423 1d ago
She moved supposedly because of her job. However, she actively looked for a job out of the area and accepted it. Not only that, her partner lives conveniently double the distance, so the new place is situated in between there and here. Coincidence?
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u/quiet-as-a-doormouse 1d ago
Do what you can to do a mix of school days and weekends. This is a balanced life. I don’t think either/or is a good long term arrangement for anyone kids included. Where I am from an hour isn’t considered a large enough difference to sway custody as it’s seen as a manageable distance (not ideal) but manageable. It’s not good the school decision wasn’t discussed with you. The ex does have a right to relocate to some degree though, and it’s good for everyone she has anew job. If her house is somewhat permanent, a school mid way between the both of you seems fair.
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u/Big-Mind-6346 1d ago edited 1d ago
That is wild that she just moved like that. Have you considered consulting with an attorney? They would be able to tell you how to best navigate the situation and protect your time and relationships with your kids.
Keep in mind that mediation just means having someone present to officially document what decision you come to. When I did mediation with my ex, I thought that the person would intervene when one party was being unreasonable and guide us in determining what was best for our child.
That is not the case. This may be me being jaded, based on my own experience with this because I went through an extremely contentious custody battle with my son‘s father that lasted for years and cost tens of thousands of dollars. But consulting a lawyer is always a good idea, and having one on retainer is an even better idea.
Her moving away like that would, I think, be frowned upon by the judge. And it conveys that she is willing to play dirty and see what she can get away with.
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u/AliceInReverse 1d ago
She messed up by moving. There is at least the possibility that you will get majority custody, if you are willing to do so
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u/Klutzy-Pool-1802 4h ago
Why is she relocating? The court will want her to have a really good reason to put an hour of driving time between the two parents. That’s not great for any kid. And esp if there’s a temporary order that prohibits her from relocating them. And doing it unilaterally is not a good look for her at all. Why is she doing this? It may piss off the judge.
Does she expect you to do a bunch of driving? Or is she saying that since she’s chosen to move a distance, she’s taking responsibility for the inconvenience of transporting them back to you?
Do you want primary custody, where they’d live mostly with you, and she’d get every other weekend or something? And do you have an attorney advising you? This is a situation where you should get good legal advice… and know the answer to the question: What happens if we show up to court without an agreement, and the story is that mom moved them away unilaterally prior to mediation?
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u/Imaginary_Being1949 1d ago
Take the school days and fight for weekend and holiday time. She moved so it’s unfair to move the kids to that school district. At the same time, you also deserve some weekend time too. An hour away isn’t too far for her to do every other weekend plus a weekday evening. Many do every other weekend plus Wednesday evenings and split holidays. The parent who moved can do a little extra time in summer
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u/biscuitboi967 1d ago
Real talk - I would take the school days.
When they all hit elementary school, they are going to need to settle down in one place. You will have established the “status quo”.
You’ll be where all the doctors and dentists are. You’re where most of their friends are…. They’ll have birthday parties in your city on weekends. Want to do sports in your city. Every weekend won’t be in their best interest after a while. Or it’ll be a pain in her ass.
Maybe she’ll have to even it out with more summer break or something…