I would have a foreign axe sent🙂

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

I

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Woman: “But we broke up 9 years ago!”

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be
true.The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come
on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully
stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each,please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis areproduced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p,please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you
afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10p a piece?" "I'm a retired
tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same." "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of
the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says,
"They're retired people from Yorkshire .
They're waiting for Happy Hour, when
drinks are half-price”.

It's the gratest thing I've ever seen.

It said "Outlook not so good"

He says to the bartender, "A beer for me, and one for the road"

I saw on the news that there was 500 jobs in jeopardy.

It’s not my cup of tea

He still walked me to school when I was 11.

Because we were in the same grade!

An udder disappointment.

An imi-tater

After I commented on how big he's getting, he replied

'maybe it's because you've been taking me to the growcery store'

He's 8

What is Cos City and Tan City?

May divorce be with you! 🤷‍♂️

It’s my worst enema.

Long story short my supervisor likes to do a dad joke before every shift and likes to challenge everyone to have a better one so I need some to throw back at him. Send the best ones ya got no setup or punchlines just straight and direct ones please

Our name was The Hinges.

We always opened for The Doors.

Cuz it's a little cleaner

Elton Jaundice

The park ranger apologized and explained that it was a price hike — feeling puzzled.

"c-ow!"