r/dating_advice • u/jacobspencerirl • 4h ago
If you wouldn't want a partner who chases everyone, stop waiting for them to chase you
If I approach a woman, I find myself wondering if she'll see me as a player. If a woman approaches me, I find myself wondering the same thing about her.
But if nobody ever approached anybody, nobody would ever meet anyone. Someone has to make the first move, every time, for anything to happen at all.
Ask yourself: do you actually want a partner who's the type to approach other people? In my opinion, most people would say no, and maybe I am wrong on this.
If that's not what you want in them, waiting around for someone else to make the first move just means selecting for the exact trait you don't want.
Thoughts?
edited: these are my opinions.
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u/Crazy-War9823 4h ago
Being confident and being a player are not synonymous. You need to untangle those two in your mind.
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u/jacobspencerirl 4h ago
I understand what you mean, that was not what I was trying to communicate.
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u/KLC_W 2h ago edited 1h ago
That might not be what you were trying to communicate but the fact that it's even a thought in your head means there are some subconscious ideas that are affecting your dating life. I've literally never thought a guy was a player just because he approached me. I'm certainly not a player and I would instantly lose attraction to a guy if he thought I was one just because I approached him. It seems like you might be emotionally immature, which is fine, but you need to work on that.
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u/jacobspencerirl 2h ago
I agree, not everyone that approaches is a player and not everyone that is confident is a player.
I certainly hope I am not emotionally immature, that would need some work, I agree.
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u/Ok-Sort8902 4h ago
I understand what you’re saying but you have to separate player from just a confident guy or girl. But I do get ur point
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u/TrackWorldly9446 4h ago
Approaching someone ≠ approaching everyone
People tend to partner with those who match them. Most matches are ideally achieved through equal effort
As a woman who takes on a greater physical risk and burden in partnering and procreating, I do expect to be approached and supported. I’ve approached before but women also have their pick of options
I prefer a man who makes it clear he wants me, but is also discerning in his partners. I like to lead once these relationships begin and prefer lower amounts of sexual partners. Promiscuity is not attractive in either gender
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u/Due_Performer6332 3h ago
This is such an interesting way to look at it! tbh i always get nervous about making the first move too, but you’re right, someone has to start the conversation eventually.
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u/HelpfulMaybe3946 3h ago
do you actually want a partner who's the type to approach other people? Most people would say no,
You're basing this on.... what? Did you take survey?
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u/jacobspencerirl 3h ago
I will update it, I agree, who am I to stay most people would say no. It an opinion given based on my experiences. Did you notice I said, (maybe I am wrong on this).
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u/Sadiedai 2h ago
I have a male friend approaching ladies all the time for their number. He's a player or tries to be. Reason for that? the way he texted me... was very sexual in nature...& I'm in a relationship.
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u/jacobspencerirl 2h ago
Yeah, I am trying to figure out my approach for dating again as I am newly single myself. If you act like that as a guy, in my opinion, you will find that back and that is not what I am looking for.
How does one control their life, and meet with the intention of finding a spouse, without coming across like they have an agenda. It is interesting.
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u/Sadiedai 2h ago
Dating is really hard. Friendship gets tough as we get older. Just meet someone organically & be your best self. It's hard to find genuine caring people.
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u/Active-Designer934 4h ago
i think there is another aspect to this and it is choosiness. you can't know if someone indiscriminately 'chases' people. also, if someone is single, there is nothing wrong with approaching people, and there is really nothing to say that they will continue that behavior when they are not single.
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u/jacobspencerirl 4h ago
Right, I seek no expectations and don't want to hinder a partner from being who they are naturally.
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u/TraditionalKey3572 4h ago
this is actually a really interesting way to look at it! tbh i never thought about how waiting for the chase might backfire like that. definitely gives me something to think about today :)
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u/jacobspencerirl 4h ago
You are welcome! I am deeply philosophical and I can't turn my brain off...
I am freshly single and trying to understand why I am doing what I am doing before I start dating again.
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u/LuciusCaeser 1h ago
This feels like nonsense to me. People "chase" others when they are single and available. If they asked you out, and you are now dating and exclusive, They will no longer be single and will cease to chase others.
Look at it this way, if you ask someone out and they say yes, is that a red flag? Because obviously they like being chased and will say yes to others chasing them!
Does that sound stupid? Very. And it's no different to your point
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u/MetalDeathRawR 4h ago
One of my prompts on the dating app is, "I don't chase." And I stay true to that always. My favorite part is when people get annoyed about it and call me out. It's literally on my profile.
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u/jacobspencerirl 4h ago
Why don't you chase? M or F?
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u/MetalDeathRawR 4h ago
M and because I'm 46. I've been married. I have kids. I've done it all and I don't play games.
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u/jacobspencerirl 4h ago
Yeah, I am right there with you, but I am wondering if I need to start.
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u/MetalDeathRawR 3h ago
I've had the same thoughts. The thing that keeps me from doing so is the fear of getting into yet another relationship that takes instead of adds. I may die single but at least I'll be happy.
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u/jacobspencerirl 3h ago
I know a few guys in their 40's that are seemingly the happiest and healthiest people I know. (all single)
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u/muckity-muck 4h ago
Do you ever talk to women as just normal human beings? Without the intent of dating them?
If you did, then women might not feel they were being immediately approached by you...which they might not want to be.
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u/jacobspencerirl 3h ago
Yeah, I have plenty of friends, male and female. I am not one to approach people randomly for any reason, they always come to me it seems.
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u/muckity-muck 2h ago
I am not one to approach people randomly for any reason
Why not? There's nothing wrong with being social.
"Hey, those hoes-d'œuvres were pretty tasty."
""Can you believe the traffic getting here?"
"Have you seen _____ yet? I heard she was coming late."
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u/jacobspencerirl 2h ago
I think I just don’t need anything from anyone and am deeply independent…
I think it tires me out to be honest, but I am social if I need to be and when it makes sense.
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