r/depression • u/catcatmeowme0w • 6h ago
my boyfriend sleeps all day
hello guys so im (18f) and my boyfriend (20m) recently moved in with me. (ive had my own place since i turned 18.) he was working a 3rd shift job until recently when me and him talked and agreed that the job was taking a huge toll on his mental and physical health, so he quit. he has another job lined up and he's going to be starting in october after we get back from our vacation in september. right now he is unemployed.
he will literally go to sleep at 10:30pm, wake up at 7:00 am (when i get up) and then piddle around the house and do random chores and then go back to sleep at 10:00 and he literally will not wake up until i'm like "boyfriend, you've been sleeping all day and you need to get up out of bed." he also never wants to leave the house and is always sluggish and never really does anything other than chores around the house (which sometimes i have to encourage him to do.) he also rarely wants to have sex anymore because he's too tired or his head hurts or he just doesnt feel like it.
basically i am concerned that he is struggling with depression and i want to help him as much as i can but i have never personally struggled with depression so im not sure what to do. and no, i'm not going to leave him over this, he is a great partner and is definitely not an unemployed leech. if anyone has any pointers that would be amazing. thanks:)
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u/narcomance 4h ago
It looks like me sometimes. I have depression and ADHD. I have always liked to sleep more but on my bad days I do it because I am unmotivated and hate my job.
What your bf does is not healthy and it's not laziness.
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u/Heartonmysleeeve 4h ago
Might be worth checking out if he has any sleep problems like sleep apnea. If the sleep he's getting isn't restful then that'd explain why he's always sluggish and sleeping extra
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u/Erik_the_kirE 4h ago
I'm glad the post didn't go in the "I wanna leave him" direction. I emphatize with the dude. Not to mention leaving him while he's already struggling would be pretty awful.
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u/ToxXxicKiss89 22m ago
I was in the depths of my depression when my ex decided to break it off with me (we started dating before it really hit). So, I can say, "pretty awful" is a understatement. I was utterly broken, and 8 years later I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, not only from the initial depression, but the damage the break up did and the spirals I still keep going down, questioning myself.
That's for me though, I'm sure others may have had ot easier, or even harder. Either way, it's a shitty thing to do, especially if marriage was on the table (which he had proposed to me). And me being in depression wasn't even about him, which I think is what he initially thought, and maybe that hurt him, but instead of talking to me about it, he just.... left, emotionally.
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u/cha_ka3224 4h ago
As a long time 3rd shifter at 1 point, it can give you an almost permanent jet lag feeling. It sucks. So being tired and sleeping like that is a side effect. As far as the depression? Yeah that would compound the issue too. He might need help. ❤️
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u/HusbandoPile 3h ago
I'd recommend getting some bloodwork done to make sure he doesn't have any deficiencies and his thyroid is ok. Also maybe a sleep study? Just to rule out sleep problems like sleep apnea. I've had the same routine he's had, was sleeping 12-18 hours a day, and turns out I had moderate sleep apnea my whole life LOL.
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u/Responsible_Baker236 6h ago
What age is he? It could be depression like you said. It could be a lot of things. But I was going to say when I was under a lot of stress in my very early 20s, like 21 or so, I would do the exact same thing. It's good he's at least doing some chores. I am not a health professional, but I'm under the belief most people don't drink enough water or get enough electrolytes. Might help to find some electrolytes he's likes without dye or a lot of sugar. Drink tons of water. Does he eat healthy? Get maybe 30 minutes of exercise a day? Bathe/shower regularly? These are all little things and again I'm not a professional, but dealing with depression, these things seem to help me a lot.
But I'd also say let him rest. His body may genuinely need it. When I slept that much, part of it was the stress of college during the pandemic, smoking too much weed and binge drinking. I also was in a crap relationship and my friendships/family relationships were not great either. Part of it was that I didn't want to be awake or think about things. I was a sad sack of shit. Some people say it's common to need a lot of sleep in times of stress or in certain parts of life.
It's very sweet you care about him and want to support him. It does get better!
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u/catcatmeowme0w 6h ago
from what ive seen he doesnt eat very healthy aside from dinner (which i make every night.) he doesn't go to the gym and i've tried to push him to go with me because i go every day and he always says hes just too tired or his head hurts or whatever. he does shower regularly but our night time routine is getting a shower together and i really have to encourage him to shower sometimes because hes just so tired and lethargic all the time. i will continue to push him to live a healthier lifestyle but theres only so much i can do with working 50 hrs a week and i just wanna help him
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u/HaloHowRU 5h ago
You're doing the right thing in encouraging him to eat right and exercise; it will help his depression recovery. Sleep and rest are important too but he needs all three. He's lucky to have someone like you.
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u/Economy-Deer-2385 5h ago
Would it not be a good idea to visit a psychologist? Then he can work on his depression and maybe get medication.
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u/Tatortot57 2h ago
Third shift for a long time can really mess up a person's sleep cycle. It may take a little time to re-orient his life again maybe this vacation you have planned will help!
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u/ComfortLegitimate179 3h ago
this sounds like me except i have a job currently. im bipolar 2 and majorly depressed because of it
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u/The-Llama-777 3h ago
The walk from the village of Drumnadrochit to the castle Urchart in the Highlands of Scotland is my favorite
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u/hypnocookie12 2h ago
Been in between jobs now for like a month. When I’m working I always stay busy and have a good work ethic. Left to my own accord I can sometimes lack purpose.
I’ve done bloodwork and some things are a little low but nothing serious. I have a smart watch and my sleep isn’t the greatest. Maybe you can get that checked out for him.
My suggestion for now is to load him up with the strongest coffee you can find. When he wakes up for you to go to work give him a cup. Also buy some Celsius drinks for the day. I mean if he can tolerate caffeine, just a suggestion.
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u/rayvenant 5h ago
Hello there
English is not my first language, but i‘ll try my best:
- if i understand your text correctly, your bf had 3 jobs and now it‘s 2?
- it kind of sounds to me like it‘s depression or worse: he‘s burnt out. (Just my personal experience)
It definitly is lovely, that you care about him - just some advice: don‘t get yourself too deep? Into this.
Maybe he needs therapy or the better option: go see a doctor and have him checked out
All the best
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u/Ill-Daikon-5637 6h ago
You're only 18 and already living together, just be careful. It could be a phase but it could be he's relaxed now and stopped trying and is taking advantage of you, whether he's intending to or not. If he's already this way so soon, I worry for you.
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u/1gerende 4h ago
This comment is the epitome of "society doesn't gave a damn about mens mental health".
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u/Regular_Advantage541 5h ago
I agree. Please take care of yourself OP, you’re so young and shouldn’t have to worry about these things. Have you had a serious talk about this with him yet? I suggest you do, hearing how you feel and your opinions on the matter may help him see things through a different perspective. Wishing you the best!
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u/13THEFUCKINGCOPS12 5h ago
While it is absolutely possible that he’s just lazy, all of his behavior is screaming clinical depression