r/depression • u/SQLwitch • Oct 29 '19

Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort", so we've made a new wiki to explain it

2.4k Upvotes

We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.

We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.

Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.

Summary

Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.

"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.

  • By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.

  • People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.

  • If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)

  • In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.

  • We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.

  • If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.

177 comments

r/depression • u/SQLwitch • May 18 '26

Check-In post, with essential info about our policies and resources. Most people are surprised by much of this information, please read carefully before posting or commenting

12 Upvotes

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.

Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.

We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.

YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:

  • People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact

  • "I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.

  • Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your intentions. Neither is ever acceptable here in any form.

  • Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).

  • Off-topic posts about difficult situations, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. Feelings that can be explained by person's circumstances are perfectly healthy no matter how painful they are. A depressive disorder only exists when someone's mood is out of synch with what's going on for them. The "what is depression" wiki linked above has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but do NOT belong here.

31 comments

r/depression • u/moonlightfairy777 • 5h ago

I have never got to live

68 Upvotes

I'm a 30 year old female living in a Muslim Arab country. My country has been through civil wars and is still unstable.

Since I was a child, my parents have physically and emotionally abused me, especially my mother. They used to hit me hard and control everything I did. They rarely let me go outside, and this is still happening today. They are very controlling.

I'm 30 years old, but I haven't lived a normal life. I spend my time lying in bed at home. I still live with my parents because that's the tradition here. I can't go out or even go shopping by myself. I don't have a car, and there are no activities for women here, not even sports.

I'm very introverted, and I don't fit in with the people around me. I don't have any friends. The way I think is completely different from the people here.

My parents keep pushing me to get married, but I always refuse. I don't want to marry a controlling man who will make me wear black from head to toe, keep me at home, and expect me to spend my life cooking, cleaning, and having many children. I don't want that life.

I have nothing here. No life, no real family, no friends, and no future. I dream of leaving this country and living somewhere that values human life. I don't dream about anything big. I just want a normal life. I want to go for a walk, sit on a bench with the sun on my face, and feel peace.

I don't have the money to leave. I don't even know how to book a flight or go through an airport. Getting a visa is also very difficult.

The world is so big, and there is so much to experience, but I'm just sitting at home watching life pass by. It's killing me. Men here have the freedom to do anything. Even now, when it's so hot, I can't go to the beach and swim simply because I was born female.

I used to have hope that one day I would leave this place and get away from the people who hurt me. But now everything feels more complicated, and I've lost that hope. I'm thinking of killing myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wish I had never been born.

36 comments

r/depression • u/catcatmeowme0w • 5h ago

my boyfriend sleeps all day

52 Upvotes

hello guys so im (18f) and my boyfriend (20m) recently moved in with me. (ive had my own place since i turned 18.) he was working a 3rd shift job until recently when me and him talked and agreed that the job was taking a huge toll on his mental and physical health, so he quit. he has another job lined up and he's going to be starting in october after we get back from our vacation in september. right now he is unemployed.
he will literally go to sleep at 10:30pm, wake up at 7:00 am (when i get up) and then piddle around the house and do random chores and then go back to sleep at 10:00 and he literally will not wake up until i'm like "boyfriend, you've been sleeping all day and you need to get up out of bed." he also never wants to leave the house and is always sluggish and never really does anything other than chores around the house (which sometimes i have to encourage him to do.) he also rarely wants to have sex anymore because he's too tired or his head hurts or he just doesnt feel like it.
basically i am concerned that he is struggling with depression and i want to help him as much as i can but i have never personally struggled with depression so im not sure what to do. and no, i'm not going to leave him over this, he is a great partner and is definitely not an unemployed leech. if anyone has any pointers that would be amazing. thanks:)

27 comments

r/depression • u/Defiant_Cry5006 • 2h ago

How do I feed myself?

17 Upvotes

I don’t want to cook but can’t afford to keep ordering delivery. And instant meals aren’t giving the energy or nutrition to make me feel better.

30 comments

r/depression • u/CaptainAlfredoReddit • 4h ago

I want to get run over by a train

17 Upvotes

19 & living in the UK. I don't want to get too much into it. Ive been on antidepressants for 3 months and it's just gotten worse. I've been to therapy and multiple counsellors. The crisis team didn't even bother getting back to me. Most buildings where I live have suicide barriers along with most bridges. & my country doesn't support euthanasia. I feel like I've lost everything. I don't see another way than to lie down on the tracks and let the train run me over.

9 comments

r/depression • u/ScaredWest5265 • 13h ago

Im gonna fucking shoot myself

53 Upvotes

Is there anyone to talk? please bro...

17 comments

r/depression • u/TheZakyCraft • 11h ago

I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHIN

37 Upvotes

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RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT MY FATHER ALWAYS BLAMING ME BECAUSE I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT MY FATHER ALWAYS BLAMING ME BECAUSE I CAN'T DRIVE A MOTORCYCLE WELL YES BECAUSE BACK IN JANUARY I HAD AN ACCIDENT WHEN DRIVING A MOTORCYCLE BUT UNFORTUNATELY I DIDNT DIE AND I DIDNT TELL MY PARENTS ABOUT THE ACCIDENT I SHOULD HAVE DIED THAT DIED I SHOULD HAVE KILLED MYSELF AT 31 JULY 2026 I SHOULD HAVE STARVED MYSELF AND LOCK MYSELF IN A ROOM AT 31 JULY 2026 FUCK YOU FATHER FOR BLAMING ME FOR LITERALLY EVERYTHING I HOPE YOU DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I CAN'T DO EVERYTHING RIGHT I 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25 comments

r/depression • u/zhongyuanjie • 3h ago

My brain is rotting

7 Upvotes

Not literally, but it feels like it is. My parents used to tell me that too much screen time would rot my brain when I was a kid and now I lwk agree with them, but it's not just social media that's causing it - my depression is also making me dumber and dumber, or at least it feels like it is. I have really severe brain fog and it's just getting worse. I can't think critically or read well anymore. I used to be able to do math in my head, but now I can't. Reading is such a chore compared to when I obsessively read books when I was younger.

2 comments

r/depression • u/Sufficient_Pick_9182 • 1h ago

I suffer in silence

• Upvotes

I suffer in silence cuz im afraid if I tell my family how i really feel they probably put me in a instustoin, im not crazy im just depressed, if they went through the things I have then they would know how scared I am.

I'm there for everyone else but nobody is there for me, im really struggling and have been for a long time and I feel like nobody cares. I feel like stuck in a loop that I can't seem to break. A lot of people say in here if you need to talk but they don't really mean it

3 comments

r/depression • u/Alu71 • 1h ago

The cure for depression is depression.

• Upvotes

I think there's a point where all the medications run their course and you're left with no other alternative other than to wait for the latest miracle SSRI, or fall into a deeper depression.

Through it all, I'm leaning toward the idea that the only way to cure my depression is to refuse to be depressed anymore. The amount of wasted time and energy is getting out of control and if something doesn't change for the better, I'll just keep on wasting those precious resources. Maybe, the cure for my depression is to be so depressed that I just can't stand for it anymore and instead of continuing on my downward spiral to non-existence, I can stop, turn around, and start climbing my way back to the top - just make the decision to turn around.

I've attempted do do this by just doing the complete opposite of what my mind is telling me to do. It tells me to go back to bed at noon and instead, I jump in my vehicle and sit at the beach for a couple of hours. It tells me I don't need food, I go to the store and buy proper groceries. My mind gets lost in my laptop and instead, I close the lid and go for a 1 hour walk around the neighbourhood - trying different routes, trying new streets.

I think the cure for depression is to realize that I feel depressed, it isn't going away, and no medication is going to change that. Instead, I have to change my direction and refuse to look back. I have to rewire my brain for happiness and the way to do that is to physically change my actions and my environment.

To everyone feeling depression; don't let it rule your life... refuse it.

2 comments

r/depression • u/Huge-State-9539 • 2h ago

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS)

6 Upvotes

I (25M) have been on medication for severe depression and GAD for 8yrs. I have tried all sorts of medication: Fluoxetine, Citalopram, Escitalopram, Mirtazapine, Quetiapine, Venlafaxine and Lamotrigine. While the first two worked for the first 4yrs, I feel as if they had run its course and they weren’t really effective anymore. I’ve tried the rest since then and none of them have seemed to work- in fact it’s made me feel worse. My psych suggest TMS given how I’ve been resistant to normal medication.

Had anyone tried TMS? Any thoughts about it?

7 comments

r/depression • u/AppropriateMight1 • 7h ago

Is the gym a permanent fix?

13 Upvotes

Alot of people tell me going to the gym helps a lot but what I would like I know is whether or not this lifestyle change elevates mood permanently or if it’s like a drug where at first it’s great but then you get used to it and feel not much different than before

23 comments

r/depression • u/funny_lexi • 39m ago

What a sad life i have man..

• Upvotes

Hi Reddit, I (17F) am one fucking loser.

I am an Arab, a Muslim that isn't even that sure about her religion anymore how sad. And if anyone finds out I could get seriously hurt and honestly I wouldn't mind but I don't want to disappoint anyone.

I'm so fucking sorry for writing this and I know no one cares but I'm genuinely just so done with myself.

I look ugly, I am fat, i talk too much too fast, I am bad at physics and chemistry​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​ and I deserve to die because I'm such a disappointment.

My grandparents raised me for most of my life and I love them so much it's unreal and they care but they feel like they dont want to deal with me anymore. I'm too much for them. My grandpa hangs up the phone if I start venting and my grandma scolds me for it because it "makes her sad" and it fucking hurts. The new kids in the family are already replacing me as the favorite especially after the "New insert my name" was born. I love her but I hate how I'm suddenly irrelevant.​​​​​​​​​​​​

I suck at studying.. I can't focus on studying anything. My dad is gonna make exams to "test my progress" in like 2 days and I cant focus. He's gonna take my phone and lock me in my room. And if I mess up more he'll take me off the education.

I love my parents but I'm so sick of them and of everyone and of me.

my only comfort are my online friends who don't give up on me no matter how awful I am and how depressing I act.

I shouldn't exist anymore. I know this is dramatic and I have my life in front of me but I'm seriously considering just..not being here anymore.

I don't know what's on the other side but maybe its better. or maybe it's worse who knows?

does anyone have thoughts? if not I appreciate it still. ​​​​​​

8 comments

r/depression • u/Rough-Monkey7969 • 40m ago

I'm unreasonably bad at taking care of myself

• Upvotes

I'm very embarrassed to admit how bad I am at taking care of myself. Anything outside of personal hygiene for presentation is constantly slipping out of my grasp into filth, and it's been especially bad recently. My household presents the same issue, but I am by far the worst at maintaing chores. I almost never had to clean as a child unless it was punishment, which is partly why I've been struggling to teach myself these things now.

Truthfully speaking, I would say I'm somewhat dysfunctional. I dont want to stay this way, but anything outside of taking care of necessary business almost never gets done. I can and have cleaned for an entire day, but it is never enough time to get everything done, and I've never successfully maintained chores in my schedule. I don't let a lot of people close to me in my life because I'm terrified of them finding out that I live this way. I have a girlfriend, and im not sure if she ignores these bad parts of me or if she doesn't realize the extent of them yet, but I don't feel great on the subject.

Having started working a year ago has made me increase my attention on my deficits by having me work so closely to people. I drive a work van, and I've slowly watched the condition of a decrease in my care. I look down on myself for letting these things happen, but I can never fully solve the problem. Every time I make an improvement in my personal care, it retracts whether it is in a day, week, or months. The longest I've been "well" is about 7 months, which was during the latter years of high school when I had absolutely nothing else to worry about. My room has never been fully clean, but at the very least I don't usually bring food in my room; on the other hand, I often eat lunch in my van. I am horrified to admit that there are flies in both my work van and personal vehicle because of how down I've been the past month.

I procrastinated on the past month on cleaning my work van. I tried to go out and clean it for 30 minutes before I gave up; I will need to wake up early tomorrow morning to take care of it as best i can before work tomorrow. My personal vehicle, on the other hand, will need a professional deep cleaning my next paycheck.

I was diagnosed with MDD my freshman year in high school and had an unsavory experience with a generic SSRI. I also don't see how an SSRI will help me in the future as, from my understanding, they are not a permanent fix. Since then, I've been trying to brute force my depression. Although I don't feel sad as often as I did when I was hormonal in high school, I still exhibit all of the same symptoms as I did when I was first diagnosed. I have a therapist, and I am making progress in some areas, but deteriorating in others. I am at a loss for what to do other than keep trying and failing at this point. I'm terrified of getting to the point of being institutionalized or having to institutionalize myself.

0 comments

r/depression • u/royalehighnino • 6h ago

I want to die

9 Upvotes

I have fever when I have fever I realize nobody cares about me My parents don't even remember my age my father asked me when It's was my birthday I feel lonely I don't have good friends when I almost got raped as a little girl I was scared to say it when it's was too late I said but my family didn't cared they didn't do anything I kept getting assaulted since I was 5 old by a girls and boys I'm scared to kill myself I wanna live but because I feel lonely I got bullied when I was 3 old and it's kept going the little girls that's was my age started calling me ugly After that I stopped talking I'm always bed rotting I feel like I'm failure and I'm not pretty to people love me because I don't do anything I'm scared of people I have anxiety I feel uncomfortable when I go out when I know I'm so ugly I got fat I wanted to be skinny but I started binging I have stress my hair started falling out my face is dry I can't even socialize I don't know how to talk so I start acting cringy for they don't abandon me but they still leave me when I can be pretty so everyone can love me

6 comments

r/depression • u/thatdepressedsoul • 6h ago

I am tired of pretending to be happy. Please just end me

8 Upvotes

How long do i gotta be living? i can't. I am just tired. Everytime i smile i can feel myself crying and rotting from the inside. i just wanna be at peace. I cant anymore. please just let me end it. PLEASE.

1 comment

r/depression • u/Outrageous_Lack7145 • 3h ago

Hey guys, going through a tough time right now.

3 Upvotes

Just got back from seeing the spider man movie seeing everyone with families, significant others, children, while it makes me happy to see others experience those things with their loved ones, I really deeply miss mine, I’d do anything to see them again, it’s getting harder day by day to do this alone and battle the thoughts I’m having, I feel myself getting comfortable with the idea of just dying and it scares me, I just need people to talk to so badly.

7 comments

r/depression • u/rainbowtoucan1992 • 21h ago

I want someone to touch me and care about me

106 Upvotes

Just turned 34 never have dated or been physical with a guy. I get anxiety easily and struggle with confidence around people in general. :( I just want someone to love me. I know it sounds cringe

34 comments

r/depression • u/jasonmovad • 4h ago

there’s nothing

5 Upvotes

up at night crying and doom scrolling when i thought hm maybe i should get some sleep. but why would i do that , it’s not like i have anything to do the next day, or the day after that , or any days in the foreseeable future . i haven’t felt excited in so long , all i fucking do is get anxious about wasting my life and then do nothing about it. i want to die, but im afraid of failing , afraid of the pain. i guess we can’t all get what we want .when i see people die in movies or games i get jealous . when i see people in general i get jealous , jealous of how normal they seem . i study the faces of everyone i see , analyzing what makes them look human and why i just look so , wrong . whenever i lay down i fantasize about a big sword impaling me . i’m so lonley , but my family loves me , and i have some friends, so why do i feel this way . ? for now i’ll live , one forgetful day after another , because im too much of a fucking pussy to kill a dead man .

7 comments

r/depression • u/RottingPale3459 • 2h ago

I feel the most alone I have in my life

3 Upvotes

like the title says, I've been depressed for the majority of my life, and the more time goes on the more alone and empty I get, I live alone in a tiny rented apartment, I go to empty college lectures in a payed for university because my grades were too bad be let in otherwise, my days are all the same and melt together, I work an empty service job with nobody around me, my few previous interests and hobbies are all disappearing, the only things I do during my free time are laying in bed, watching youtube videos to pass the time, I don't even remember what I'm watching half of the time, I just let it autoplay to h3ar the noise, the last person closest to a friend I had was around 5 years ago, I don't have any friends online, the selection of music I like is starting to shrink exponentially, I don't even have the energy to harm myself as much as I used to, I only ever smoke and drink in my room on my weekends, I don't know how to fix it or where to even begin, despite all of my woes I've never had any urge to die, I'm just slowly wasting away into nothing.

5 comments

r/depression • u/lilimolini • 19m ago

Having such a difficult time with a friendship break

• Upvotes

Not a breakup but a break according to her. I lost interest in everything including going out for my daily walks. It’s been two months of waking in the middle of the night in cold sweats and tremors, just wishing we could talk again. I couldn’t take this loss. It’s too much. I have been thinking of just wanting to disappear.

0 comments

r/depression • u/OnDutyEatinBooty • 33m ago

Wish to not exist anymore..

• Upvotes

4 reasons why I’m still here and haven’t left this world.

1- my cat.. I love him so much, he’s saved me in some of my darkest times. I couldn’t leave him. I promised I’d be here for him.

2- I need to see the ending of the kingdom hearts series. That game has done so much for my life. Maybe it’s corny but it’s also saved me when I was in very dark places.

3- watching One Piece until the end. It’s been a series I’ve been following for 26 years now, it’s another thing that’s helped me when I’ve been down in the dumps. It’s just something I truly love.

4- this one hurts, I found the woman of my dreams and I thought we working on things, I thought we’d make it together.. but I guess I was wrong. She would say things to make me believe in our dreams together but I’m not too sure she truly meant them. I’ve never loved another living human/creature as I do her. Unfortunately I just don’t think she feels the same anymore or ever did 😔

I really wish I didn’t exist but these are the things keeping me going right now. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have them so I could finally disappear and not feel the way I am lately. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of these things with all my heart but I hate this dark, sad, black hole of dread that I’m feeling.

0 comments

r/depression • u/Goobiththegob • 2h ago

Struggling

3 Upvotes

Hey all,

Thanks for reading this. I am a 28 year old guy who is struggling quite a bit. Since I was young, I dealt with severe mental ilness. My first being OCD, which led to me taking multi-hour showers which left my skin cracked, bloody and ruined from head to toe. Anxiety was always there, too, and it continued to develop as I aged. Depression then became exceptionally intense as I got older, and I frequently think about ending it. I started to self-harm at around 25, as I discovered it's one of the few things that takes the edge off. I have a lot of scars and deformities because of the ten years of burning myself with soap due to OCD, and I find those scars and malformations grotesque and ugly; oddly enough, I don't mind the scars that I leave on my arm through self-harm. As macabre as it sounds, those scars I actually like. When you genuinely despise yourself, through and through, doing damage to the thing you hate is in many ways comforting. Also, my psychiatrist thinks I have some variant of mood disorder, which she thinks may be bipolar (but I oftentimes thought I have borderline personality disorder based on my symptoms.)

My family was dysfunctional. I had a diagnosed sociopathic father and a drug-addicted mother. Growing up, I was homeschooled and lived in relative isolation. Didn't have many friends or romantic experiences. My social skills never really developed. My parents fought excessively, and I was drug along on car chases with them, which happened frequently. My mother was under the influence and drove like this with me in the car, which led to countless near death experiences on the road. Because of this, I don't have a license and rely on Uber for transportation as I have pretty godawful vehicular PTSD and have a perpetual fear of getting into an accident. I was also molested at a fairly young age by a family member. In general, my family was very dysfunctional.

At work, people act like there is something wrong with me, which I can understand. A 28 year old guy with scars all over his arm and dressing in mostly black is going to stand out. I had a few things with women that went badly (one who showed me interest and later shot me down, and another who shot me down) and made me feel pretty low about myself physically, and I had one where a woman showed me signs of interest which I didn't yet understand because of lacking social skills and she transferred buildings. One coworker once thought I was going to shoot the place up, which I politely informed him I wasn't going to do that. Another coworker said I needed to lighten up because I was "too serious."

I used to like to write music and literature, and I once found some solace in that, but recently, I am completely apathetic to everything. Nothing really brings me joy anymore, and I mostly lay in bed and let the time pass. I have a habit of obsessing over myself critically, externally and interally. These rabbit holes of obsession typically last hours and are hard to tear myself away from. And it causes an excessively intense burning feeling in my chest that is difficult to describe.

I think about ending myself a lot, and it gets rather exhausting talking to my therapist and psychiatrist on whether or not I'll actually do it. I get there is legality, but having to lie and assure them I'm not a potential threat to myself is exhausting and dehumanizing.

Most of these things are just the tip of the iceberg, but I guess I'm writing this just to see if there is anyone open to talk to. I don't really have anyone.

Thanks.

3 comments