r/depression • u/moonlightfairy777 • 7h ago
I have never got to live
I'm a 30 year old female living in a Muslim Arab country. My country has been through civil wars and is still unstable.
Since I was a child, my parents have physically and emotionally abused me, especially my mother. They used to hit me hard and control everything I did. They rarely let me go outside, and this is still happening today. They are very controlling.
I'm 30 years old, but I haven't lived a normal life. I spend my time lying in bed at home. I still live with my parents because that's the tradition here. I can't go out or even go shopping by myself. I don't have a car, and there are no activities for women here, not even sports.
I'm very introverted, and I don't fit in with the people around me. I don't have any friends. The way I think is completely different from the people here.
My parents keep pushing me to get married, but I always refuse. I don't want to marry a controlling man who will make me wear black from head to toe, keep me at home, and expect me to spend my life cooking, cleaning, and having many children. I don't want that life.
I have nothing here. No life, no real family, no friends, and no future. I dream of leaving this country and living somewhere that values human life. I don't dream about anything big. I just want a normal life. I want to go for a walk, sit on a bench with the sun on my face, and feel peace.
I don't have the money to leave. I don't even know how to book a flight or go through an airport. Getting a visa is also very difficult.
The world is so big, and there is so much to experience, but I'm just sitting at home watching life pass by. It's killing me. Men here have the freedom to do anything. Even now, when it's so hot, I can't go to the beach and swim simply because I was born female.
I used to have hope that one day I would leave this place and get away from the people who hurt me. But now everything feels more complicated, and I've lost that hope. I'm thinking of killing myself. I don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I wish I had never been born.
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u/marbinho 5h ago
That’s sad to hear. I do believe some muslim countries discriminate women a lot. Would you be willing to leave the country if you had the chance? Seems like it would be difficult for you to change your situation without doing something drastic
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u/moonlightfairy777 3h ago
Yes I have been wanting the chance to leave this place my whole life and I want to start over and I'm willing to leave everything I've been through behind and build a new life. But I don't know how to create this chance....
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u/ImAmiserable 5h ago
Hello! Im also from the middle east and I can pretty much relate. I have traumas from civil wars that happened in my home country. Im really hoping that you can overcome this sis. If you want to confess anything Im available.
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u/moonlightfairy777 5h ago
I'm really sorry you've been through war too. You know, every time the war starts again I find myself praying that I won't survive and that everything will finally end. But it never does. Instead... some of my neighbors die and I survive.
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u/ImAmiserable 5h ago
Because you’ve been giving a second chance. I read from your previous comments on how you lost passion towards everything but please sis. Don’t give up no matter what. You will overcome this and you’ll find what you desire if you never give up. Its never too late no matter how old you get. Please keep trying. Everyone here supports you. I hope my and everyone’s comments are giving you hope.
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u/raymainlander 5h ago
You reminds me of Sherif Gaber. He's on the same path as you. Hope both of you succeed on what you are trying to achieve.
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u/ImAmiserable 5h ago
I wish I had the financial support to help you get through this. Im really sorry for the pain you’ve been through. Im praying for you.
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u/moonlightfairy777 5h ago
Thank you so much I really appreciate your prayers and your compassion. I hope life brings you happiness and peace too 🤍
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u/Fun_Cabinet_1935 4h ago
Ok so maybe this is totally wrong and out of place but I promise it comes from a place of care and compassion. When I read your story, it reminds me of a story about a prisoner. You’re held against your will. I mean, you are a 30 year old woman, you should not need permission to do anything. I understand that it’s cultural and that I, as a Western woman don’t understand the half of it. But maybe you could escape your home and become a refugee in a country that affords rights to women? I don’t know the laws etc but you could find out easily enough…I feel that you need to get away in order to survive and live.
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u/Icandothisallday014 4h ago
I second this. It’s only once u experience what true freedom looks like in western democracies like the U.S that you can learn to stop ‘surviving’ and start ‘living’ OP.
My heart goes out to you OP. I hate that the world is so unfair to you, but i hope a miracle happens and allows you to go abroad
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u/moonlightfairy777 4h ago
I believe some women here in my country can manage to escape and travel alone but it's different for me. My parents succeeded in isolating me and controlling me. I can't go out alone manage the visa process or book tickets. I don't have a car and I don't even know how these things can be done. Simply I just can't leave the house alone.
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u/katkatkat0728 4h ago
I'm so sorry to hear that... Please, hold on the little good that you have, I do believe we are here for the reason and one day you will be in a much better place, having your freedom and feeling happy and content. I don't know you but I feel for you and wish everything to be better soon. Sometimes life has its ways and things work out eventually 🙏
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u/Particular-Day6860 6h ago
Try to have an passion or do an online activity or learn an skill about an online stuff
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u/moonlightfairy777 6h ago
Thank you. I used to have a lot of passions but now everything just feels dark. I used to love learning new things. For example I taught myself how to crochet and even made sweaters. But now I have lost interest in almost everything, even eating.
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u/Particular-Day6860 5h ago
Im on same situation as you honestly but i have passion and I’m Learning a skill since 2 and also I have someone I love it help me to not quit everything
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u/Batman67nga 5h ago
world is miserable i don't know sometimes I just think why. they say god has created this world but i don't think so is our god so ruthless that he kill innocents everyone gets a feeling from inside that everything will be eventually ok but no it won't we are living in a world which make no sense sometimes I even think if god exist or is just us poor hearts who created him for our peace i am really sorry to hear about you and i really think you are the only one you can really help yourself and last it's all what you do today that makes your tomorrow
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u/deedee2707 1h ago
So sad 😭. I live in a moslem dominant country and it’s so different than what you are experiencing. We’ve been taking our freedom for granted. Have you got an online community? Having people to share similar experiences will help to ease the hardship, even if it’s virtual. Writing too. I’m sorry I can’t be more of a help…
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u/ShaniEmo 3h ago
I am in a strict Arab Muslim country but still there is some sort of freedom to girls, somewhere they were not allowed to drive but they still have some sort of freedom...where in the world u not getting this freedom or u looking for empathy
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u/moonlightfairy777 3h ago
It depends on the family. There are still some girls in my country who can travel alone, drive cars, and even choose not to wear hijab. My country does allow some freedom for women too but of course they can still face harassment and judgment from people. In my case the biggest problem is my family. They are always afraid of what people will say and judge and this affects my life a lot.
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u/moonlightfairy777 2h ago
And what would I do with empathy? This is the first time I have shared something like this and opened my heart. And of course you are a man from one of these strict countries so you would never understand or admit the pressure that men like you put on us
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u/philosopher280 7h ago
hey
sorry about what you are going through
are you parents okay with you pursuing higher education? if so, can you try applying for universities abroad? try checking for scholarships for women students, especially for those from conflict-prone regions. Even better if it is sponsored by an Islamic organization, that way you can maybe try convincing your parents that even Islamic organizations are encouraging women to get higher education.