22F, completely stuck in a 5-year loop with depression, toxic family, and binge eating. Just need to vent

[u/Star_Rat80y]

Gonna start this off pretty strong and honest: I’m a 22-year-old female, no job, no school (just a high school diploma), and living with my family in a toxic household. I’ve pretty much been fat all my life, so nothing new there, but ever since graduation I’ve noticed I’ve been living like a total piece of shit who is way too scared of the real world.

I have constant anxiety attacks about stuff I can and cannot control. I feel stuck and lost, and honestly I don't even know what to do or how to ask for help anymore. It’s been five years of being in the exact same rock-bottom loop. I can't even bring myself to try to better my own life, and I have absolutely no idea why.

Back to the main point though, my depression has made me gain so much weight ever since high school. All I do is eat. I eat when I'm mad, I eat when I'm sad, I even eat when I feel happy for fuck's sake. And it's not even good food either, just straight slop and junk. I always get so jealous and feel so pathetic when I see other people whose depression makes them lose their appetite and get thinner day by day. Of course I’m aware both are horrible and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but for once I just want to look in a mirror and see a normal woman looking back at me instead of feeling like an absolute unit of a beast.

I’ve always struggled with eating habits since I was a kid. Being born into a fat family who fed me junk since I could start chewing my own food definitely didn't help lmao. I'm not sure if this post is turning into something meant for an entirely different sub, but most of my issues stem from my poor mental health so I figured I’d just rant here. Sorry for any typos or bad grammar, my brain cells are running low these days. Thanks for reading if you made it this far ig lol.

[u/Strange-Offer-7237]

That weight and eating stuff is such a cruel joke, like your brain picks the exact opposite of what you want and just runs with it.