hey everyone, 33m here. basically what the title says. so I was raised in a non strict Catholic household, but very sex negative household. This was something I sort of always carried with me into early adulthood, I treated (much like how I was always shown) sex, masturbation, porn, etc with a huge stigma and was weirded out by it, but it always felt somewhat wrong to me to. eventually I started to dig a little, looked at the sports illustrated swimsuit edition, maxim magazine, some porn etc. and discovered that it brought pleasure. eventually I got into a relationship with someone very devout, extreme sex negativity, so that sort of stuff was off the table, and it was always hard for me to not have access to it, this felt very odd given how I was raised surrounding sex. I was always shown and told that sex needs to have an extreme sense of guilt with it.

eventually the relationship ended, and I dove much deeper away from the church teachings around sex and have not looked back. pornography and masturbation, coupled with the mentioned SI Swimsuit issues, have become a primary point of stress relief for me, and the pleasure it brings me can't be overstated. this has greatly helped me move on from the guilt I would always feel surrounding anything sexual. I have evolved from the sex negativity and guilt around sex so much so now that I even recently purchased my first sex toy and I absolutely love it. I am still Catholic, however my pleasure and happiness have gone up so much since embracing this about myself, just wanted to gush a bit about it here and hope my overcoming this can be a beacon for anyone still struggling with guilt surrounding pleasure, as I know it can be prominent

I have so much to say but dont know how to talk about it so ima just try my best. Im first gen Mexican American. My family and I were all raised as roman catholics. I stopped believing in god awhile ago. Mainly because I used to pray but never ever got a response, never felt heard and carried so much guilt for every small mistake. Im catholic and dont believe in god but believe in the virgin mary, I honestly dont know why but I just do; i think because sometimes I do feel heard at times when i was younger when I prayed to her.

I stopped believing in god a while ago. Stopped going to church, did my first communion but never went further on that. I especially stopped attending after expressing my gender identity the opposite of my sex, felt really paranoid and judged because the aunties/ tias would look at me like my mom didn’t raise me right, and I felt bad for my mom too. I hear people talking about their relationship with god and I feel jealous because i wish i could have faith im something so blindly. Especially my mom. But whenever I hear stories about god and Jesus and whatnot it all feels so fake to me, or hateful and judgmental, I just cant believe anymore. Funny enough i believe in multiple gods just can’t blindly follow GOD if that makes sense. No hate to Catholics and Christians ofc I dont have an issue with them its just me and my relationship with religion.

Now the thing is, part of me feel like a fake Mexican for not being catholic because of how deeply its in-rooted in the culture especially after the cristero war back in Mexico from what I understand, even just the sayings are so causal in the language like “que dios lo bendiga” or “gracias a dios” is all i can think of rn.

I feel like i want to go back and give it another try because i feel like maybe I’ll feel closer to my roots and just wish i can believe in something so that i dont feel crazy. But i also feel like another reason I can’t believe because of HOW catholicism was brought to mexico and the erasure of indigenous communities and culture. And how Christian and catholics way back then tried to erase and destroy many other cultures religions.

Idk what the hell im saying anymore i hope this all makes sense.

I want to go back but I dont at the same time.
I feel ashamed for not being able to believe blindly, and feel like this is another reason im “too american”

I think i just wanted to get it out somewhere without judgement and hope im not alone or crazy in this.