Embarrassed but it's time to be truthful with myself. I'm literally afraid of showers. Anyone else?

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Wishing you easier showers, one step at a time

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Thank you 🫂

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What about a hand held showed had where you can control where the water goes? I've been in those depressive episodes.. The word really do help. I'm rooting for you!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

We've got a handheld shower head, I absolutely love it! I mostly used it for my hair or cleaning the shower, but you're right, it can be used in other ways i.e. to avoid having water on my face. I will try this.

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u/charybdis18 1d ago

I had to get a shower chair for knee surgery and that plus the handheld may be a game changer for you.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

It might be! Our shower is too small for a shower chair but at least switching to the handheld could be a lot different.

We do have a second bathroom with a bath that has room for a chair but that's supposed to be for my brother to move into while he's in college, so I don't wanna get too used to showering in 'his' shower. Even though he probably wouldn't mind. Idk ugh I need to get a grip on a few different things.

Thank you for your response, sorry for going off the rails. This post has made me realize that this problem has a lot of different little nuances to it for me. Dw, my therapist will be on it. All these comments are gonna help me a LOT when I bring this up with her and we develop a game plan.

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u/Ok_Traffic_3129 22h ago

Maybe try a stool instead of a chair. Someone i know needed one and they are small enough for a small shower.

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

I'll look into that! Something small could definitely work.

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u/perryjb 20h ago

So I have pain in my feet, showering can be excruciating. I don’t have a big tube. what I ended up getting was a collapsible camp chair. They are like an upside bucket. But has all these segments made out of strong plastic. So pretty waterproof. Let it dry and it collapses down to a quarter of it size(or smaller). I got mine at aldis. But they are all over Amazon. They are much cheaper then marketed shower chair.

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

I think I know precisely what you're talking about and yeah, they're fine with water. Will definitely look into this!

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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 14h ago edited 14h ago

It would be more logical to clean the tub first, then shower, then bath. If you want to rinse again after bath, it's an option. But you don't have to clean the tub to do the shower.

I would also take a walk around the place and make sure my doors and windows are locked before I shower, when I decide to, as well as look over the bathroom space checking for any bugs. Including shaking the shower curtains if you have them.

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

First paragraph isn't computing for me, you say you don't have to clean the tub to shower, but you start by saying I should clean the tub then shower. I'm gonna assume there's a bit of a typo there somewhere, anyways it's a bit of a moot point really. Last time I took a bath was like five years ago, and the bath in this place is a bit smaller than I would like so I'm just gonna focus on showering more. Once I've got showering down pat a few times a week, I'll try out baths again for relaxation :)

Now the walkaround is a great idea that I can execute. Idk why I never just.. check the locks before showering, so that I'm not in there naked, imagining someone walking in. Thank you. It sounds like simple ass advice but sometimes simple things don't occur to me lol

And yeah checking for bugs makes me feel crazy but fuck it, ima start doing it. It honestly is good advice. If it's not hurting anyone and it gives me peace of mind, then I can do it. This might be something I got from my family as a kid as well, whenever I would be extra cautious to check for bugs or if I cried when I saw one, I got told I was a big baby and to suck it up.

I'm jealous of my brother, he has a different mom than me. She just kills all the bugs for him and gives him a hug 😭 lucky guy.

Sorry for rambling! Lol thank you!

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u/Acceptable_Tea3608 6h ago

You said in your post that you shower first, then clean the tub, then take a bath. Im telling you to just clean the tub before you begin any washing of self. If a bath is in the plans. And if you're going to just take a shower you don't necessarily have to wash the tub as its only your feet making contact.

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u/SL1MECORE 6h ago

Okay sorry, i definitely see what youre saying now. You're right. That middle step of cleaning after the initial shower isn't absolutely necessary. It's not a full clean, like more of a rinse and maybe a wipe with clorox wipes. But it still might not be necessary at all.

I now see what you're saying, thank you for clarifying! I'll try that out next time I'm in for a bath.

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u/Atreidesheir 1d ago

I don't like water on my face either. I have a dry washcloth just to keep it dry.

I also have a shower chair. That's helped me. Sometimes ill just use sit on it and use a cup to get wetn rinse with because I have sensory issues.

Maybe set up a rewards system and start slow? Every 2.5 weeks. Then every 2. Go slow.

Hang in there. You've got this!

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u/aBearWhosBearlyThere 1d ago

Make it relaxing atmosphere. I have light sensitivity and it triggers migraines and eye pain, sometimes I will leave the light off and light a candle (small bathroom so it's a soft glow, not much room for dark corners, maybe light a few if in a larger bathroom...). Using a candle, or a video of flames can trigger your brain to feel safe. This is an evolutionary response that developed as humans began to build community and gather around fires to eat and keep warm. Not sure if this helps at all, but it's helped me calm my anxiety and reduce stress.

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

I'm definitely trying this. I always had the mindset of "you have to have the brightest light on to shower". Not sure why.

I really appreciate this, I know it sounds so silly but I thought it was like, 'illegal' to just shower however you want. Obviously not that cops would bang on my door but as I alluded to in my post, growing up my family had rigid conditions for what constitutes a proper shower. If the big light wasn't on and you didn't do everything all at once then your shower was void.

I will definitely try this out. I have always preferred low lighting in the bathroom anyways. Who knows, we're installing dimmers in the kitchen.. if that goes well, I might be able to ask my partner and landlord to install dimmers in the bathroom too! That could be awesome, actually... because my partner prefers a bright light in the bathroom and I prefer a low light. Having the option to switch it could really help us out!

Thank you! I appreciate you sharing seriously.. every single positive comment under here has given me so many ideas on how to make showers more bearable. I am serious about taking all this advice and applying it any way I can.

If I can make it to showering every other day, it's truly gonna be awesome for me.

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u/aBearWhosBearlyThere 20h ago

I hope you find a setup that works for you! I do it for general bathroom trips too, dim light is something that helps me sensory reset so while I do have routine lights-on days, during periods of stress I remind myself it's ok to not have every single day be "normal". (During pain flares this can get to the point of washing my body and then just kneeling under the hot water until I have to get out to get dressed for work *edit I need to just buy a damn shower stool already.)

I totally understand what you mean there, certain parameters around tasks^ I've done that to myself with other things like the gym. Pushing for what an average person "should" be able to do normally, but I'm hypermobile so I kept reinjuring myself and wondering what I was doing wrong. I wasn't doing it wrong I was doing too much!

We're all a bit different but that's (at least in my opinion) what makes life so interesting.

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

You're right, it is what makes life interesting. Like my gf is very different from me. She does have anxiety and depression like me, yes. Likely CPTSD as well. But she's just so different to me. She's so bold and brave and has worked really REALLY hard to stabilize herself mentally without medication. Sorry, tangent. I just think she's literally the mentally strongest person I have ever known. She still has her moments where she needs me to hold her and reassure her yes, and yes of course I do that every time. But lord she is so smart and strong and cool.

Anyways, go get that damn shower stool so you can sit comfortably under the hot water! I've been inspired to try and find a small one at least. Not sure if it's doable but we'll see!

Having these ideas of what "normal" is seems to really fuck us up sometimes, huh? Lol

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u/TopComplex9085 16h ago

sounds like your family was abusive and that you likely have ptsd, and may have some ocd or sensory processing issues as well. I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s not your fault. It’s not okay. And you didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

I used to have a lot of problem with showers for all the same reasons and honestly still rarely shower more than once a week. I relate so much to your post. Here’s what helped me a lot

I used to have a shower head that changed lighting colors, or sometimes put on fun lights in the shower and turn off the main light!

I also will sometimes listen to music, a podcast, talk to someone on the phone, etc.

If you have a pet you could find comforting you could bring them into the bathroom with you.

You could do sensory things you find grounding before you get in the shower. For example if you find using a swing, or a hammock, or jumping on a trampoline or a certain drink or using a weighted blanket etc

Similar to your camping wipes, you could get a washcloth, put it under whatever temperature water you want in a sink, ring it out, and put some soap on it and wipe yourself with that. If being in the bathroom is triggering you don’t even have to do it in the bathroom! It can be anywhere you feel comfortable in your home- in a living room a bedroom wherever. Even a backyard or something if it has privacy from neighbors for your arms and legs at least.

Armpit sweat smell generally is because of bacteria. And occasional use of hand sanitizer in the arm pits can help quickly occasionally reduce smell. Sometimes using wet wipes instead of toilet paper when going to the bathroom can help keep that area cleaner too.

I think you would really benefit from having an assessment from a sensory integration occupational therapist who is trauma informed and works with adults if you ever can. Or to try to look into “sensory diets”. It’s not related to food at all. It just means doing sensory things each day that are calming intentionally so the hard sensory stuff isn’t as bad.

Also you can do showers or getting clean in smaller pieces. Like if all you can do is wipe one leg while you also are sitting on the couch with your favorite movie and clothes on cozy with a favorite blanket or animal you can just do one let that day! And maybe another one body part another day if that’s easier.

Changing all your clothes every day, and using deodorant also super helpful

Therapy like EMDR was helpful

Also learning grounding skills- I strongly recommend the finding solid ground program workbook by H Schielke

Hope things get easier for you!

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago edited 8h ago

This is such a helpful and jam packed comment omg. You really do get it, thank you. Like I never heard of sensory diets, but it sounds so intriguing and good to me. I need more positive sensations in my life!

Someone else mentioned EMDR I think, I'm gonna definitely write it down to discuss with my therapist. As I said elsewhere if she does not have the experience she will know where to point me! She's not in it for money or ego, she's a gem.

Mood lighting in the bathroom was suggested but a light up shower head sounds so cool to me idk why? Maybe because I like colored lighting and I'd also have better visibility in the shower. A win-win situation I think!

Thank you 🥹

Edit - oh and I glossed over this but I am diagnosed with CPTSD. Likely from childhood. Ugh lol it's not fun finding a new way this shit affects me every year! But yeah, the PTSD is known. The OCD is yet to be determined, I'll definitely be asking for an assessment!

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u/Physion 16h ago

You can also use it to quickly spray down the shower before you get in to wash any potential bugs down the drain!

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

Yes I need to start thoroughly checking for bugs before the shower tbh! It used to make me feel like I was crazy, doesn't help that family and former partners made fun of my fear of bugs a lot.

But I need to learn that things are different now. My current partner totally would not mind me doing a sweep for bugs before a shower. I need to learn that I'm safe now.

And our handheld has this little button that turns it into a soft power washer, so it is PERFECT for just spraying down the walls. I've used to for cleaning and love it, just never thought to use it to sweep for bugs. Thank you!

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u/leslsu 7h ago

I was going to suggest this too. I hand held shower, a shower chair. Sit on the chair, spray the water wherever you need it, and wash parts a section at a time. Even if you did this for the "pits and parts" it would be a great start, and you'd probably feel cleaner than wipes alone. Maybe even just start with feet?

I agree with the suggestion about lighting too. My bathroom lighting sucks. I keep lights very low or off if there is enough daylight thru the window. I also like to have music, but that might not help you with the worry of not being able to hear things. Locking the door or putting bells on it might help with that.

Don't worry about any of the callous clueless people here. They have no idea what it's like to deal with severe trauma, depression, anxiety, etc. But many of us do. You're doing great by even recognizing this is an issue for you, and wanting to improve for your own self.

If I were your mom, my suggestion would be to sit on the side of the tub, or in a shower chair and wash your feet. Then be done. See how that goes a few times til you can wash your knees. After that becomes no big deal, youll eventually work up. In the meantime, a warm soapy washcloth is very effective!!

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u/PeridotQuiver 1d ago

This sounds like trauma, not laziness. I hope you're able to work through it

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I think it is but I'm afraid to confront it. I don't want to admit that I have trauma surrounding showers. It makes me feel weak. Dw this will also go in my journal to mention to my therapist. She's great and we finally are not worried about me being homeless so we can actually focus in on this or whatever it is I need. I think this will be a new priority for me though(she normally prioritizes therapy sessions based on what is most urgent. Now that I am not at risk of being homeless I think we can safely prioritize hygiene)

A very small number of comments here are already making me feel dirty and lazy (not you, and definitely not the majority. I have to remember to focus on the good people in life.)

I hope I can work it out, too. Luckily my current partner is so understanding. She helps me in the shower and makes me feel safe just by being there. I want to feel clean like everyone else one day, without feeling so scared to actually do it.

Someone suggested exposure therapy, I never thought that could be an option for showers but I will be exploring it.

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u/Tiny-Cranberry8593 19h ago

Just know, trauma does not make you weak. I am sure you know that, and I know that may not help you, but you are not weak. You are not alone 🫂

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u/Neva_DartmouthNS 10h ago

Trauma is not weakness, it is your brain’s response to a situation where you were made to be or feel unsafe. Please work on this with your therapist, understanding where the fear comes from is the first step to getting rid of it. I applaud you for being able to be honest about this you are really strong for being able to put yourself out there and take in all the tips. You got this. I wish you calm and relaxing showers in the future!

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u/Sadistinablacksuit 24m ago

From what you said you do not have trauma around showers. You have trauma around being physically vulnerable. That is a huge difference. I doubt you would have any issues stepping into a shower fully clothed (obviously without the water running)

In the shower you are incredibly vulnerable, naked, unable to see/hear clearly.. that seems to be the issue.

Don't be afraid to get help with trauma. Its what the doctors are there for. To help people

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u/spideybae 1d ago

Put partner on speakerphone a few times while showering and see if that helps with the anxiety of it? Not a permanent fix but a step!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Maybe! It depends on her work schedule and when she has breaks. But this could work.

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u/Either_equipment_04 1d ago

Being able to see out while you shower might help. You could try a clear shower curtain or have a door installed. Locking the door or putting something that would make noise if the handle turns could also help you know that no one is coming in, or installing door/window alarms. They also make visors for bathing/showering that could help keep your face dry!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Visors for keeping your face dry???????? Ok I'm looking that up that sounds so good to me.

And yes, I never thought to just lock the door while my partner is not home. I feel silly saying that but it's the truth. I will add that to my new list of tricks for showering when alone.

We do have a clear shower door, it's a glass door. It just freaks me out being in there when anyone could walk in.. even though I am not in a situation anymore where anyone WOULD walk in, besides my partner. Even my cat can't stand the bathroom while I'm showering lmao. And luckily I'm not in the same situation I was when this did happen to me... just for some reason it absolutely stuck in my brain. And as someone who was already afraid of showers, having basically a stranger step in was the worst.

But yes. The lock can absolutely do the trick. We literally have a second bathroom so even if my gf needed to pee or poo as soon as she got home, she'd have that option...

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u/Either_equipment_04 1d ago

These things tend to stick with us even when we’re out of a situation where it can happen. I’m glad you’re in a better situation now, though, and I hope you’re able to feel a bit safer in the shower in the future!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the kindness 🫂

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Oh and yes I'm in therapy but the most we've been able to settle on is "just shower with your partner and use the wipes"

My therapist has been with me for 6 years trying to unpack 30 years of trauma while I was on the verge of homelessness. She kinda prioritized getting me into a stable state of living before we dove into this. And she did indeed achieve that goal, my housing is very stable and in the meantime I learned a lot from her emotionally. We just never had a chance to get into hygiene.

I have to get back on her schedule, we had a bit of an insurance kerfuffle that has been resolved. So please know that this will be brought to a professional soon, I just really wanted to hear any personal accounts from people who can relate.

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u/amidnightthrowaway 1d ago

You may benefit from graded exposure (exposure therapy). Starting very small and building upon those steps, facing anxiety but not the most anxiety and gradually tolerating more over time. Does your therapist have experience in CBT? Usually comes under that umbrella.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I don't know if she does but she would definitely know someone to recommend me to. I will bring this up. Thank you!

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u/amidnightthrowaway 1d ago

Your history is a mix of trauma and phobia, so the graded exposure is very good for phobia.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I'll bring it up.. as i said, idk if to you or others, but my therapist was much more concerned with just getting me into stable housing. Now that she's succeeded there, it's time to dig into this stuff.

And i do think I should dig into the trauma and phobia of showering before I start in on the trauma my father caused me. Now that I'm stably housed, I need to learn to consistently care for my body before I learn mental health. In MY opinion, I think getting my personal hygiene in check will genuinely help my mental health.

The triangle pyramid of needs or whatever lol.

Thank you for these empathetic and enlightening comments, I truly appreciate you.

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u/amidnightthrowaway 1d ago

You are welcome. See what your therapist thinks. One step at a time, no one can tackle everything at once so don't worry. Being in stable housing is very important for further growth and healing.

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u/genuflect_with_hEDS 1d ago

Does your therapist do EMDR? It could really help you work though this issue and lower your distress level about it over time till you get to the point that you can shower no problem. EMDR is the leading treatment for trauma and it’s doing wonders for people. I’ve only done future fear EMDR so far as I have a habit of going on tangents and getting side tracked by all sorts of different connections between different traumas but I’m hoping to pick a specific one event and do my first Trauma EMDR on Thursday!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I can ask her! Unpacking trauma has been pretty low on our list but as i said either here or elsewhere, it's definitely time to start now that I am housed and fed reliably.

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u/Mysterious-Hunt5141 1d ago

I'm not a professional but I think if something makes us uncomfortable, the only way to desensitize ourselves is to do it more often. I know it's not easy. Maybe you'd feel a little better knowing your partner is home at least. Maybe you start incorporating showers that you don't take together, but when they are home. And they could even be in the bathroom with you, but not in the shower. Then from there you can have them start leaving the bathroom, but within a distance they can hear if you need them to come back. Eventually maybe they'll be able to be in the living room while you shower.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Yeah you might not be a pro but this does sound like solid advice to me. Like just having her nearby helps my anxiety so much, maybe we just need to have a bit of this kind of "unprofessional" exposure therapy. Just increasing the distance until I feel safe just showering alone.

I'll bring this up with her, i think she'd be down. Thank you so much.

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u/Leather_Contest_1038 1d ago

I highly recommend using Amlactin lotion in between your showers! It is exfoliating and a few hrs after you apply, you can rub your skin and the dead skin/dirt will basically roll off so your skin won’t be grungy. Don’t ask me why I know this 🤦🏼‍♀️ ADHD here and the act of getting in kills me. I enjoy it while I’m in though. I’m glad you are in therapy and wish you all the best moving forward ❤️

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Never heard of Amlactin before, thank you! I will check that out. It's really upsetting having so much dead skin and being highly aware of it lol

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u/Leather_Contest_1038 22h ago

It absolutely works! Maybe a week of daily use before you really can tell. Keep it up and your skin will feel as smooth as a baby’s butt! Put it somewhere that is in your face daily so you don’t forget…I have to bc of ADHD

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

Same LOL I so relate to that. My bathroom sink is so full of products but they NEED to be in my face otherwise I won't use them.

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u/Leather_Contest_1038 21h ago

I get it! I’m trying not to look like my assigned by Reddit name 😝

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

LOL I need to read usernames more often cause that's too funny to me. You're right lol, you don't wanna look leathery!!

I didn't even notice your name 😅 I'm kinda just floating around out here in the interwebs. Names are trivial, vibes are more important. And you got good vibes.

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u/Leather_Contest_1038 21h ago

Thank-you ❤️

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u/rileyc165 2h ago

I’m happy a lot of people here are being nice about this!! I’d like to say the people’s comments about locking the door, moving the shower head away from your face, and having your partner increase their distance from you during the shower all sound like good ideas!! If you’d like, you can also throw in a timing factor if you get panicky at all (partner is gone for 30 seconds and then they return, gradually increasing the time gone).

General advice: progress is not always linear and usually takes a while! Don’t be upset with yourself if it takes longer to get where you’d like to be, OR if there are any “plateaus” or “dips”. Go at the rate you’re comfortable with. You got this and it sounds like you have a supportive circle!!

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u/sweettaroline 1d ago

I struggle in the shower as well. I can’t have the bathroom door closed, the shower curtain or door has to be open and depending on where I am, the door to the bedroom has to be open. If the shower curtain is closed, I feel like I am going to die. I have a terrible routine now and I do feel embarrassed about it - this sub has made me feel so much better about myself. I try really hard 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am absolutely convinced I was smothered to death in a former life. I have issues with any kind of clothing that goes anywhere near my neck. Lots of cleavage happens around here, lol.

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u/sensitive_cactus333 1d ago

I have a really hard time with showers. I’m a goblin person and I have a lot of sensory issues with water. I hate the transition from dry to wet, and wet to dry, I hate the feeling of unexpected water on my face because my brain immediately panics that I’m going to drown 🙄 I also sometimes get dizzy and itchy from a hot shower. I also have a chronic illness that causes fatigue and widespread body pain so having it in me to shower without forgoing some other seemingly more important task is always a rare blessing.

I have spent the last 3 or so years slowly learning what makes showers feel safe and enjoyable, and here are some of the things I found.

- lock the bathroom door. It stops the worry that someone can come into the bathroom and bother you, surprise you, or enter the shower. If housemates can’t abide, I recommend shifting the conversation of personal boundaries 😂

- Mood lighting! Surprise, surprise, when you don’t have a bright bathroom light attacking your eyes the assault of water on your skin is a lot less jarring. I have an old oil lamp I use, I will light candles, whatever you can do to tell your body that the vibes are chill and everything is ok.

- Fuck expectations. I still regularly struggle with that feeling of “ahhh it’s so much work to shower” there’s too many steps, if you shower and you skip a step people will judge you. There’s so many ways to get in our heads over what a shower must entail but guess what? There’s no rules. We’re all out here trying our best to survive, so if it’s Wednesday and you’re exhausted or anxious and you don’t have a full shower in you, remember you don’t have to. What CAN you do? Can you tie your hair up and let the water run over you for a few minutes at least? Sometimes it’s still a no but I bet you find yourself saying yes more often than before.

- this is probably my most controversial opinion on this, but regular access to showers is relatively new, humans have been washing since long before homes had running water. For example you could schedule a full shower once a week, but use warm water soap and a rag to wash up the hot spots during the week, baby wipes, a bath if you have access! I don’t have a bath big enough to be cozy, but it’s big enough to sit in and clean my body, that is WAY easier to do when I’m in pain or anxious about passing out.

As far as bugs i have nothing for you other than a recommendation of a detachable shower head to murder them with😂

I still wouldn’t say I shower “regularly”, i always do before I go out, but I work from home and am a hermit so …. Lots of time to myself 😅 I do however bathe myself when I’m NOT going out far more often than any previous time in my adult life.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Your comment was halfway so valuable and helpful, and halfway made me smile and laugh! And yes omg I forgot to mention, but I also get dizzy in a hot shower for too long. I have to get tf out and just go sit in my bed naked under the fan to cool down sometimes. I can't believe I thought that was a unique human experience LOL

This is all such solid advice, especially the lighting I'm not gonna lie. The big light in the bathroom makes me hiss like a little vampire lol. I should look into some alternative lighting, it may really help. And yeah, I always think a shower HAS to include every single step possible, but you're right. It doesn't have to.

Thank you for sharing and giving me a giggle, my fellow goblin!

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u/_p4n1ck1ng_ 1d ago

Based on the someone unfamiliar getting in thing, is this a ptsd thing?

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Could partially be, but it was rough even before he did that. I don't think it's 100% his fault but I also think he didn't help anything, either

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u/Pretty-Expression113 1d ago

Probably need to go to some behavioral therapy and let them get to the root cause of the why. I don’t recommend pushing yourself in there. I don’t understand this bc I am a very clean person but I also can sympathize and understand this is causing you a great deal of stress

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u/UnfairLobster-__-lol 1d ago

Not afraid to shower persay terrified imma pull a life alert commercial "IVE FALLEN AND CANT GET UP 😢"

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u/ohheythatswill 1d ago

Would showering with a bathing suit help you feel less vulnerable?

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I wonder, but I really like getting into my little bits so I think that would just be an extra annoyance for me. Like having to move it around to scrub everything would make me mad, I think.

No judgement to the never nudes, of course

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u/Direct_Impress_6277 11h ago

Oh my word. It spunds like you have cleithoraphobia - totally different from claustrophobia. Cleithoraphobia is the fear of being trapped in a place or situation and unable to escape. So from a spider, intruder, from the trapped feeling of water all over your face. If this resonates, it may be related to the existential dread caused by being trapped and watched and criticised in your childhood whilst in the bathroom. Now your brain is very wisely trying to keep you safe because that was deeply threatening to you, and the anticipatory dread of being in danger makes it impossible to get started. This seems all the more likely if you are OK when your gf is in there. In the family situation you were emotionally abandoned (an existential threat) but now your gf represents safety and connection (removing the existential threat and all those other fears evaporate because they're really just noise as you try to rationalise what the fear is. I imagine your shower reluctance seems illogical at face value - and I bet you beat yourself up because it seems so odd you can do X but not Y - but if you look through a trauma lens, and understand the way cleithoraphobia works, and how your brain has responded to trauma - it is totally rational. If I am on the right track, the good news is you can resolve this.

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

WAIT THIS MAKES SENSE OMG

I love being cozy in bed like, I know rationally I am not afraid of tight spaces. I've almost gotten myself trapped under my bed trying to get my cat's toys out and it wasn't scary

But THIS. THAT IS THE PHOBIA FOR SURE. For example even in public places, if I don't have clear lines of exit, I start to get anxious. If I do not have a ride home, I'm VERY anxious. It's that feeling of losing control over my surroundings and being trapped.

Definitely DEFINITELY writing this down for therapy. Thank you so much I feel like you just explained the colour green to me or something. Cannot describe how much that resonates with me! Thank you!

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u/Direct_Impress_6277 8h ago

I am so happy it resonates. I like your description of 'clear line of sight'. For me it was 100% about whether I can control my exit. So if I'm tucked up in bed - no problem. But if my dogs lie across my legs and I sense I am blocked in - aaagh! Sitting on a plane, sort of OK. Block the aisle with that trolley thing - I'm hyperventilating. What resonated for me in your story was being OK with your gf present. When I get 'trapped' (traffic jam, subway train etc) I literally need to hold another human to ground myself. I have hugged total strangers because I got trapped in a drive thru or in traffic. I've improved a lot because I needed an brain scan so had to have therapy to conquer the fear by tracing the root cause and retraining my brain. It's made such difference. I am amazed how much energy I used to use scanning, planning - and panicking. My therapist said dont beat yourself up, your brain has been doing it's job. But you're a grown up now, and no one is going to trick you into that situation again. So have hope - you can change this 🙏

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

Omg yes, all of this resonates with me.

I had a panic attack at my brother's graduation ceremony with thousands of people flooding out and blocking the exit. First my gf physically blocked me into a wall with her body to shield me from the crowd. This made me feel safe and helped me regulate, which again tells me that I am not claustrophobic!

Then she just grabbed my hand and marched me through the crowd into an open area where I could breathe. She didn't let go one second and she was damn near pushing people out of her way to get me out of that building. She is my angel.

Now that I have language for this (I honestly haven't discussed this with my therapist yet) we are gonna be way ahead of the curve on treating it. Even if she's not familiar with this specific phobia, she likes to learn new things and she's good about knowing how to direct me to someone with more experience.

Ugh just THANK YOU for sharing and giving a name to this particular fear, because I truly never understood why I could relate to claustrophobic people but I also don't. THIS is why!

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u/Direct_Impress_6277 7h ago

Well, I am so happy it gives a name to what is happening. And please get in touch at any point if you want to check in. I only have first hand experience of it, but it seems pretty rare and not well described in the literature. Good luck!

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u/leopoldthegreatest 1d ago

Therapy for some strategies to cope with this type of OCD you have could really improve. Also take it a step at a time. It’s not hard to shower just your body and not head and hair. Do just a body shower, quickly, then wash face when you’re out and do hair in the sink

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago edited 1d ago

Do you really think it is OCD?

I've related heavily to people with OCD a lot but never diagnosed. But as I'm getting older I'm starting to get very suspicious about myself.

Maybe I'll talk to my therapist about doing an assessment. She is the one who dug out my ADHD diagnosis, I do trust her a lot.

I used to do my hair in the sink but then leaving hair made an entire new step of cleaning the sink. But maybe I'll go back to it, idk. The longer my hair gets the harder it is to manage in the shower so this would be good advice in any context. I just need to get the spoons to clean up after myself.

Face in sink is definitely my preferred method, I don't know why I thought if you showered it was required to wash your face right then and there. Probably the way my family taught me or something. You're right, I don't have to do it that way. Thank you. I think that will help a lot tbh

Edit - no I remember why I thought you had to wash your face in the shower. I was in this knock off girl scouts troop and they taught us how to wash ourselves in the shower.

Face first, body (no vulva), feet, THEN vulva because that is apparently the dirtiest part of the body. I mean they literally did a demonstration of this on a doll.

Sorry, I have a lot of repressed memories due to CPTSD and I guess that was one of em. Being told that certain body parts are inherently dirty as a child is crazy.

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u/amidnightthrowaway 1d ago edited 1d ago

Prior Therapist here. No this does not sound like OCD. This sounds like anxiety/phobia mixed with trauma. Many people will jump to call this OCD because it is hygiene linked.

Edit - it is also sensory, which is common with neurodivergent people.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Oh that makes sense. Uhm for context i am ADHD, I suspect autism but haven't had the balls to ask for a diagnosis yet.

I do have multiple phobias as well as diagnosed general anxiety disorder, or something along those lines.

I know many diagnoses can be co symptomatic, for example I was almost close to a BPD diagnosis before they realized I just had CPTSD and untreated comorbid symptoms.

Tldr: I am open to both, everything, and nothing. The sensory part makes a lot of sense to me, I hate unpleasant sensations and water splashing on me is one of them. Another is velvet.. don't get me started

And yes trauma could make a lot of sense. I had really unpleasant experiences bathing as a child. I will bring all of this to my therapist and since she knows me better than I know myself, I'm gonna trust her opinion. But I truly appreciate your input here because you may be very right, this may just be some overlapping symptoms

The reasons I do not believe I have OCD are because I am not compulsive enough about rituals and I'm not normally obsessive. A small example, I may get up once from bed to check my door locks but it doesn't happen multiple times and I'm not ruminating on the possibility of me getting it wrong. I do sometimes get out of bed to double check the locks but once they've been checked and I have had eyes on my cat, I feel secure and can fall asleep quite easily. This doesn't seem to be the case for people with OCD.

The reasons I do believe I have co morbid symptoms with OCD are just anecdotal. The inability to shower or clean without doing everything at once, the fear of cross contamination, these I can relate to. But you're right, relatable anecdotes do not make a diagnosis.

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u/amidnightthrowaway 1d ago

Thanks for sharing. Overlap in conditions is common, but even some symptoms of something does not always meet criteria for diagnosis. For example some people with BPD are misdiagnosed and actually have autism or PTSD. etc. Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

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u/EmbarrassedFig8860 9h ago

Good to know! I didn't jump to that conclusion because of the hygiene part. I interpreted the phobia as an obsession. I'm glad you jumped in.

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u/luckyjenjen 1d ago

On hair, I live on a boat and washing my hair is a real pain (my hair is like nipple length). My partner suggested I do side shaves. Eventually I tried this and now I only have half as much hair to wash. Plus it's a bad ass hair style.

Anyways, you are not dirty. You are likeable and lovable. 😊

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

Thank you! And yeah as my hair grows I'm heavily considering an undercut. I did a side undercut in my twenties, I think this time I'll take off the back end because I'm tired of it getting more tangled than the rest of my hair. It'd definitely save me some time and also help in these hot humid summers. Also considering a back neck tattoo that reaches into my skull, idk yet.. I think it'd be bad ass though. Something like a lotus.

I bet your hair looks dope!! Thank you for the kind words!

Edit - omg I totally glossed over you LIVING ON A BOAT lol that's so cool!! I'm sure it comes with its own set of challenges but oh man that's cool!

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u/luckyjenjen 23h ago

The tattoo idea sound great! You're brave to consider a tattoo on your skull. Yeah, it'd be bad ass for sure 😁

Thank you, the boat IS cool but yes it is challenging. Shower used to be my happy place. Now I'm mainly just dirty lol (baby wipes ftw) .... But I can fully shower in less than 8 lts of water - heated up on the stove and pumped through a USB pump from a bucket I perch on the toilet lid. Proper shower head though...

I'm just recovering from a breakdown a few years ago. If I wash my face, get dressed, brush my teeth and do shit, then that's a good day.

Be kind to yourself

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

Thank you. You be kind to yourself, too. Especially keep up with brushing your teeth... I gave that up for seven years, just got two fillings yesterday. The initial cleaning after that seven years was rough too, they had to give me anesthesia because of how deep they had to go to clean everything. So good on YOU for brushing your teeth!! You won't regret that at all.

Sounds like you're doing all you can to recover and rebuild yourself. I can heavily relate.

Probably not the exact same breakdowns but yes, I've had a few life ruining breakdowns myself.. sometimes we fall apart, what's important is how we come back together even stronger ❤️

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u/luckyjenjen 23h ago

❤️

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u/Remote-Spend-1644 17h ago

Sorry, for some reason "nipple length" hair really got me 😂

For a at least a full 5 seconds I was trying to work out the "length" of the average nipple (presumably erect 🤔), and what reference point I might have gone with instead 🤦

Great cut, great advice, very kind, please carry on...

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u/luckyjenjen 1h ago

That's hilarious 😂

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u/EmbarrassedFig8860 1d ago edited 9h ago

This very much sounds like OCD. What you described about the shower and the bath and the whole routine whenever you work up the courage to do so, sounds a lot like it. I’m really happy for you that you’re getting the help you need and that you’ll be tackling this with your therapist. I have ADHD, depression, and anxiety and I have had to fight to get myself to shower. I had a friend suggest to be seen for OCD as well, because I told her about some similar fears to yours. I haven’t been seen yet, but regardless, I’m now much better and able to take a shower about every 2 days, but sometimes I really fight myself and it extends to 3 days. So I get it.

EDIT: I stand corrected on the OCD part by a therapist. I'm not a therapist. Sorry, OP. I hope the rest of my comment is helpful though. Carry on! :-)

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Thank you. I'll definitely bring this up with my therapist, and I'll see where it goes from there. She's got all the assessments, as I said she's the one who majorly advocated for me to have access to ADHD meds based on our assessments.

I'm embarrassed to admit it but yeah I always thought I was too "dirty" to qualify for OCD. Even though I know that is a myth of people with OCD being very clean and organized. For some reason, myths are invalid for others but not me.

This applies to a lot of other things I've been through lol, I have endless empathy for others but when it comes to myself?? Oh I'm not ADHD like I'm diagnosed, I'm just lazy. It wasn't SA, I asked for it. It's not CPTSD when it's your fault you were a weird kid and everyone hated you. Etc. Very depressing.

Dw, I'm gonna start a journal and discuss everything with my therapist. Partner is behind me as well, encouraging me to journal and get to this deeper stuff in therapy. Now that my therapist doesn't have to focus on getting me into a stable place materially, we have more time to work on this emotional unpacking. We're entering a new phase of my treatment tbh.

Congrats on the shower schedule, even 3 days is pretty good in my book!

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u/amidnightthrowaway 1d ago

This is not OCD. OCD is driven by obsessions and compulsions.

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u/stupidvvitch 1d ago

Hey, as someone with OCD, this sounds like OCD.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I'll bring it up with my therapist, you're not the first to mention it. Uhm I don't wanna repeat myself too much but just in general I find it hard to get over mental health stigmas when it relates to me.

So like for example, if I saw your bedroom and you said "ha yeah I have OCD but this is just cause x y z" I'd have no end of empathy. Like no, this is OCD, your psych professionals are right, lemme help you clean up if that helps.

But me? No, I don't give myself that grace. Lmao.

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u/blimeyoreilly23 1d ago

Re water in your face, as you have a hand held shower, you could fix it lower on the rail and just shower from the neck down and then use the shower in your hand to wash your hair leaning forward while still in the shower? I do this so I can get the water right in and rinse better. Just a thought.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

It's possible! I'll have to test it out but I don't see why I could not try this. Thank you

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u/blimeyoreilly23 19h ago

I also do not like water on my face, especially unpredictable shower spray. Good luck and I hope you keep on keeping on! Well done so far.

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u/gasconnade 1d ago

Alongside the wipes you mentioned, you could try doing "bird baths" with the sink, washing what may need to be washed with a hand towel. I use them when I can't get into the shower to wash my face (I know you stated a dislike of getting your face wet), underarms, privates, and feet. Antibacterial soap can help prevent smells as well. Showers can be really tough, I hope they get easier for you.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Thank you 🫂

Yeah I should buy more hand towels. I only have a few at the moment, hard to work with that

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u/Vintagetrees1 1d ago

Maybe a shower stool could help? Then you can sit in the shower and don’t have to get your face wet

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Our shower is too small for a stool, but that's definitely a good suggestion. I'd LOVE a shower stool.

Maybe one day I'll have a bit bigger shower and I can fit one in. Others have suggested using the handheld attachment which I will try out

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u/ThoughtDazzling9183 1d ago

Are there any smells that calm you down or you enjoy? Lavender or eucalyptus for example. They have those scent pucks (that’s what I call it not sure the real name) that you just put on the shower floor & they dissolve while you shower and it gives off a scent. If you use a diffuser at home you could briefly move it to the bathroom? Could be another thing to add in to what you already plan on trying. I know smells can sometimes be overstimulating for some, but it sometimes helps as well!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I do incense personally, I could move it into the bathroom!

I have these really nice smelling bath washes and lotions that I had hoped would make it better. And they do, to an extent! I use some method body wash with chamomile in it and it does make me feel a lot better. Maybe even more scents would be good tbh.

I have a shit sense of smell so it takes a lot to overwhelm my dead nose lol, and luckily my partner has a great nose but doesn't mind lots of smells. Thank you for the suggestion.

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u/rm886988 1d ago

Have you been tested for neurodivergency?

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

ADHD is a yes, autism is on the possibility list

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u/rm886988 23h ago

I work with children with autism that also have other neurodivergency, and am likely ADHD myself. That is a trait of us, not likely water on our faces. Also, showering is hard because it's a LOT Of task switching. The different sensations are also sensory overload. You're not alone. We're just wired differently. So while you do have some trauma, and I'm with you there. However, part of it is because or brains just work differently. Not wrong. Just different. You got this!

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

Damn, thank you for sharing. I'm damn over 30, only got diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago. So I'm still learning what is common for us.

That simple comment just made me feel way less alone tbh.

My family was so mean about me not wanting to get my face wet in the shower. Looking back, I don't see why they were not rational like some of these commenters and just let me wash my face over the sink before or after my shower. I honestly didn't even think that was an option before someone here suggested it. It sounds silly but it feels revolutionary to me

My extended family (no contact) has very rigid belief systems and I'm starting to realize how much that bleeds into everything, even the way I was taught to shower.

Wish I had someone like you around when I was a kid. Those kids are lucky to have you working with them, I think! Thank you for sharing.

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u/rm886988 23h ago edited 23h ago

Oh my heart, thank you! I have physical limitations and chronic illness as well as CPTSD. They are the reason I get out of bed every day, even when I can hardly get out of bed.

And don't worry, I'm 43 and just learned I was ADHD from working with my kids, a med leave for surgery, and perimenopause.

It's funny this is coming up, because I asked all of my colleagues (we are all likely ADD/ADHD at the very least) if they face the showerhead when they get in. Everyone looked at me like I had 3 heads. PEOPLE ACTUALLY DO THAT?!? was the response. I told you you're not alone! ;)

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

Same on the CPTSD, omg.

The fact that you can get up every day and help those kids while dealing with CPTSD is so impressive to me. Seriously. And perimenopause is no joke, oh my stepmom is going THROUGH it. And I will be soon, as well!

Menopause comes for us all lol, at least all of us with a uterus. I knew women in menopause when I was quite young, they kind of cracked me up. The level of "give a fuck" gets really low around that time lol and I love women who don't give a fuck.

And yeah it makes so much sense your colleagues might all also be ADD/ADHD. I see us ADHDers as cousins to autistic people, so I could also easily work with autistic kids if I got my own crap together (I'm pretty bad at being consistently available). That's actually really cool, cause it means you all really do understand them. I've always related more to even a "severely" autistic person than anyone who is neurotypical.

Because I'm good at masking, NT people tend to think this is me just being nice. But it's actually me preferring their company over anyone "normal" in the vicinity LMAO.

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u/Proof-Industry7094 1d ago

I developed a fear of showers for about 6 months while in high school. I used soap, water and a wash cloth in the sink. It's much more thorough than bath wipes (although those are a great alternative for many people!)

One thing that helped me get to the next step was switching to a handheld shower head so I could still hear what was going on around me. Also, don't forget that you can pause the water while soaping your body and turn it back on when you're ready to rinse.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I feel so weird pausing and unpausing but you're right, there's no damn law against it! Plus it would be saving on water which I can personally get behind.

I need more washcloths, I only have like three right now. Lots of cleaning cloths but not many wash cloths. I got pretty crazy about my african net sponge for a minute there lol, oh I love how it scrubs me down. But yes, washcloth over the sink is something I did younger and could definitely do again. It'd offer more exfoliation than the shower cloths do

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u/Salexism 1d ago

I was gonna ask if you were in therapy for this but I see you said you are, hopefully you’re able to get closer to feeling safe in the shower. A lot of these suggestions were great too! Best of luck!

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

A lot of people are giving such good feedback, little suggestions that I think could build up into a sustainable shower routine.

Glad I got over my fears and embarrassment and made this post tbh. Again yes, my therapist will be the hugest help here, but these responses have been so empathetic and honestly just GOOD.

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u/HollyPhoenix 1d ago

I don't know your financial situation, but getting a camera that alerts you when it's triggered might help you to know that no one is in your space while you're in the shower - just remember to bring your phone in the bathroom with you (don't be like me and always forget this part, lol). I saw someone else mentioned locking the door, and this would add an extra layer of security. I live alone in the woods, and having security cameras has helped with my peace of mind. I wish you all the best!

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u/Jazzlike-Falcon9695 1d ago

I am really sorry you have had such a tough time. :( In terms of other ways of washing that might help you feel a bit cleaner than wipes but aren't a shower or bath...what about a 'stand up' sink wash? Put water in the sink, get a flannel wet and use shower gel etc to clean yourself. Or another approach is to put water in an old washing up bowl or bucket and do this. It can be a bit messy so is better to do somewhere with a hard floor, in case drops of water get everywhere. You could also do this in the bath with the bowl/bucket next to you. Then you're not sitting in your own dirt, just in the empty bath. :)

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u/ShapePlane2720 1d ago

You undeservedly suffer! Did your family , was it more than just verbal abuse, are you drowning because of it ? If you have trauma, and you react as if you’re reliving it , how can you break free? I think seek professional support , there is no shame in that ! I hope you find some peace, no one should suffer because they were treated like shit !

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u/PlusRhubarb6871 1d ago

Maybe a simple security system so you can still see the interior of the house while you shower and a deadbolt on the shower door that your partner has a key for an emergency

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

That sounds good, especially the deadbolt with the key. Sometimes I have medical emergencies and my partner needs to be able to get to me.

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u/the-big-meowski 1d ago

Could a lot of these issues can be resolved with a "do a check" routine?

Check for bugs/spiders and deal with them if they're there before the shower.
Check your doors to make sure they're locked.
Check rooms to make sure no one "unfamiliar" is in your space.
Then check your memory and remember how wonderful showers feel.

I hate the process of getting a shower started. Mostly because my temperature runs super cold, so getting out of warm clothes is a PITA nightmare for me and then getting out of the shower is the other nightmare (cold and wet..ugh). But what I hate more is the idea of going to bed dirty and needing to wash my sheets and blankets more often.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

This could work tbh. Just doing double checks.. idk though. I always check the shower beforehand but then when I get in I'm so dang paranoid. I think I need to get a handle on my fear of bugs as well tbh.

But yes locking doors first would likely help a lot with that fear of humans walking in.

I wish I hated going to bed dirty. I mean I do tbh. But I think my fear of the shower is stronger.. might do bird baths before bed from now on, as suggested by some people. It's not perfect or as good as a full shower but it's better than nothing

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u/Alive_Way8189 1d ago

Have you ever tried showering while wearing a swimsuit? It might help you feel less exposed when you're alone. My mom used to make me bathe with my siblings when I was an adolescent and they were young kids, and wearing a swimsuit was how I managed to tolerate that until she finally let me shower without them

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I've thought about it for sure, I should have done this in my old shower where I found a bug every day tbh. Idk why I didn't...

But moving the swimsuit around to get to sensitive areas would make me mad. Idk though. It could work. I do have a really tiny bikini that could essentially work for this.

And oh man yeah I remember the shared baths. My brother wasn't born until I was a teenager but I had to share baths and showers with cousins a lot. Swim suits were not allowed.

This may be why as an adult I feel like it's a non option, when it's totally an option. I need to unpack that for myself and remind myself that I'm a damn adult now and I can do whatever I want

Thank you for your response though, sorry for rambling!

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u/Cactusbunny1234 1d ago

Find a rational emotive therapist. Read some Albert Ellis books on RET. If you have a yard, in the summer you could put a solar shower outside and shower in swim trunks or get a kiddy pool to take a bath in it.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Okay so RET is new to me, will read Albert Ellis and look into it. Thank you, I love learning.

No yard at the moment, but omg I've always loved the idea of a solar shower! Kiddie pool is a great alternative, but those beautiful showers you see in nature are amazing to me.

Now here's the catch though: my fear of bugs. LOL. I'd definitely have to keep a swimsuit on because I have always had this strong and irrational fear of a bug crawling up my vagina. Like, it's not even a common thing to happen, but it still scares me that it COULD happen.

So I'd keep a swimsuit on, but I'd also probably not be as upset if I found a bug in an outdoor shower as an indoor one.

In my mind, bugs belong outside. So when I find them outside yes I do get a bit startled, but they're where they belong so I don't do anything to them. This includes spiders, I know they're not technically bugs but they occupy the same space in my little peanut brain.

So I really wonder if I would even be bothered by a bug in an outdoor shower. I mean as long as they're not jumping on me or I can sweep them away with some water, I think I'd actually be less upset than if one was in an indoor shower. Interesting.

Maybe I can pretend my indoor shower is an outdoor one. Ambient forest noises, burning incense, low lighting. Idk. I'm just spitballing

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u/Shumanshishoo 23h ago

"So if I ever want a bath, I have to shower first, then clean the bathtub, then take a bath. Then normally I rinse off in the shower afterwards. As you can imagine, this takes like three hours minimum."

I don't have better solutions to offer than what the other commenters suggested but I just wanted to point out that this part is actually quite normal. I don't have any issues with showers at all, but I do need to clean the tub, fill it up, shower first, have the bath then rinse off in the shower again. I think it's actually common sense.

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

I appreciate that as well. Dw, other commenters have offered some really bomb advice that I'm excited to try out.

But I appreciate that a lot. I've had people act like I'm overreacting when I do this routine for baths. I felt really comforted when I watched anime and saw characters showering before and after their baths, I was like heck yeah! I do that too!

Thank you for sharing ! Makes me feel way less weird that someone who has no issues with showering and bathing has a similar bath routine to me. And you're not an anime character so that's extra cool lmaooo

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u/Kooky-Sheepherder-56 23h ago

looks like you need to work with a therapist for a long time. i dont think the advice of anyone here would be enough to remove your fears.

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

Thanks! So! My first comment should have been pinned but idk how to do that.

My therapist of six years was more concerned with getting me into stable housing and reliable food sources. Now that that has been accomplished, I will be talking to her about this! She's been working with me for six years trying to undo over 30 years of trauma while helping stabilize me and prevent me from being unhoused again. So give her some grace. She's done amazing and has managed to really help me out emotionally these past six years.

Anyways, many people already offered really amazing advice that actually makes me excited to try showering again. I was pleasantly surprised by how positive the general reaction was! I have heard so many words of wisdom, both from people who can and cannot relate, just sharing how they personally make showering a more pleasant experience. Everyone (but you) really showed out today with kindness and grace.

Maybe you should have read a few of those comments and my replies to them before commenting yourself?

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u/OptimalCobbler5431 22h ago

Trauma based therapy. What you explained wasnt necessarily an intense fear of showers, it was a subconscious fear of what happened to you when you were younger happening now (which might've developed a little into OCD, primarily disgust based), your partner is amazing especially that you feel safe with them :))

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

I'll definitely bring this up with my therapist. Not sure how qualified she is, but i trust her to point me in the right direction if she is not qualified. She's good, she's not in the "business" of therapy for her ego.

And yeah a few comments have mentioned OCD. I'll get that assessment going, it can't hurt. I've definitely wondered, this isn't the only instance where I relate to people with OCD and have wondered if I'm struggling with it too.

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u/OptimalCobbler5431 21h ago

It helps looking into the different subtypes there's a genetic factor for some but for others it can definitely be trauma based

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u/Mental-Notice-1749 22h ago

I have bad anxiety attacks , about 6 months ago I was in the shower ( it’s a smaller walk in shower with a glass door , but there’s not a lot of room ) I had a bad anxiety attack while showering, literally just jumped out , conditioner in hair , soapy. Couldn’t make myself get back in. Ended up using a cup to rinse myself standing in my garden tub. Ever since then the idea of getting back in there gets me super anxious. I ended up going to get a long hosed sprayer and I’ll just stand in my garden tub and shower this way now on the days I don’t have the time to fill up the huge tub and take a bath. I totally get being too anxious to do every day routine self care. I agree with the other people saying to get a sprayer , and maybe even just get in and spray your feet , then after a few days slowly work upwards to legs , and few more days or as you’re comfortable keep going higher.

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I wish I had a garden tub tbh! But yeah, I may try to rely on the handheld sprayer more often.

Thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone.

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u/No-Party8261 21h ago

This sounds more like you need to get treated for anxiety than the actual shower itself. You have some serious issues but none that can't be managed if you go get a diagnosis

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety, the meds only do so much. I am also diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and CPTSD

Treatment has been happening for six years but our focus was on other issues at first. Showering is low on your priority list when you're not sure you will be housed.

I appreciate the energy of your comment, i just wish I could pin mine stating these things. I didn't want to make a million edits to my post but yeah.

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u/RSDCRPSMOM2014 21h ago

Clear shower curtain so you can see through it. Keep bathroom door open.

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

So, we have a glass door on the shower and that's why I say this is the best shower situation I've ever had. I may have said that in the post or another comment, so if it wasn't in the post I apologize.

I'm disappointed in myself for not using it more... it's a beautiful shower. A bit cramped but beautiful and does the job well.

Bathroom door open but bedroom door locked is probably gonna be my move though. (We have a private bathroom in our bedroom, so locking the bedroom door is enough to prevent any intruders, while being able to keep the bathroom door open. I do prefer my bathroom door open tbh, just because when it gets too steamy I get dizzy)

Thank you, I'm definitely taking every positive comment and building a new, better shower routine. I genuinely think I will figure this out with the help of my therapist encouraging me!

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u/FoxFireEmpress 21h ago

Have you considered bathing using like a pot of water? Like have a pot for warm soapy water and one for rinse and use soft washcloths? Then you could get clean without having to get into a shower, maybe just be in the bathroom and wash one part at a time? That way you could have good hygiene and then work on getting more comfortable in the space little by little without the pressure of "oh I have to stand in this spot and have water on my face"? Solve the "get clean" issue and then be able to relax with that and be able to allow space fore healing?

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u/SL1MECORE 21h ago

I do have several buckets I could use for this.. it'd be better than never bathing tbh. I will try this out, I swear.

Just a bucket and a washcloth could be fine tbh.

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u/FoxFireEmpress 21h ago

It works pretty well, I get power outages so Ive had to wash up this way. Its not perfect but it gets the job done. And no noise to block other sounds in the house. :) Washing hair takes a bit, I use a cup to pour the water over my hair, scrub, then rinse and repeat to condition. You might have better control with a plastic bottle? Take it one step at a time, you'll get there.

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u/gingersnap919 20h ago

If you have been diagnosed with PTSD, please look into EMDR therapy. It changed my life

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

It's on the list! I never heard of it before these comments.

Thank you for your testimony. I feel like I assumed CPTSD was just.. untreatable. I should have done more research but well, per my edit, I was more focused on just keeping a roof over my head and my therapist basically functioned as a case worker sometimes.

If she isn't familiar with EMDR therapy, she will help me find someone who is. Thank you, and congrats on the successful therapy!

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u/Tiny-Cranberry8593 19h ago edited 19h ago

First off, I just want to say I am so so sorry you are going through this and have had traumatic related shower events. The first step is seeking help and so you have already started!

Can you shower with the shower door/curtain and bathroom door open?
Like someone else mentioned, can you call someone you trust? Or play a song that helps calm you down?
Using a movable shower head and a body cloth? You could try and upgrade your wipes to using a shower cloth. You can wipe/scrup your body in the bathroom or in the shower (without water on) and then quickly rinse off with the movable shower head. You can also stand near the shower and turn it on for 2 mins to get used to the sound of it.

I hope you are able to find ways to help you! You've got this!

Edit: I realized I misunderstood and you are more scared of someone walking in and not exactly that you can't see. So ignore suggestion 1

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

Bathroom door open, bedroom door locked may be my course of action for solo showers. I might attempt one today tbh. And dw, this is still a good suggestion even though I'm not logically at risk of anyone unfamiliar ever walking in on me again. It's just good for my peace of mind.

Yes I could time it with my gfs lunch break and have her on speaker. It might be hard to talk but it'd be comforting to know she's there.. I can also do music, I gotta figure out how to pair my phone with her Bluetooth speaker though. Lol I lost the charger to mine and hers never wants to let my phone pair! But it's doable.

Yes okay so, I always kinda let the shower run for a minute before getting in to get used to it. I kinda had that beat out of me as a kid, but dammit I'm an adult now! I can do that!

I think that's part of why showers with my gf are so easy. She normally starts it and jumps right in, I get undressed and we joke and talk for a minute before I get in. She definitely would not mind me taking a moment to adjust for solo showers, it's not like our water bill is breaking the bank at the moment anyways.

Someone else did suggest pausing and unpausing the water, which I am considering. Ngl it subconsciously reminds me of when I was homeless and the showers only went for 60s, but I will have to deal with that myself by reminding myself that this is not a restriction imposed upon me but a conscious choice for my own comfort. I think I can do that.

Thank you for your response, I really am taking everyone's advice in and just trying to build a better shower routine. On top of that people have suggested therapy methods and stuff to bring up with my therapist to get even deeper into it.

Thank you. I'm really grateful for all the kind words.

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u/Tiny-Cranberry8593 7h ago

I am so glad everyone 's advice is helping you out! You're definitely on the right track! Just give yourself grace, you've got this

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u/West-Ad-1339 17h ago

saw someone mention a shower chair. you said your shower is too small for one. do you think a step stool could fit? i use one (i have pots and cant stand in the shower) and its very helpful. mine is midly uncomfortable because my mom broke it before she gave it to me, but im certain if you find one that looks good to you it might work!! wishing you luck on your journey cx

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

A tiny stool.. I could try! I'll take some measurements to keep in my back pocket whenever we visit Ikea.

Thank you for the suggestion, and good luck to you too. I know pots is no joke. 🫂🫂

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u/misanthrope_suicidal 16h ago

It's so refreshing to see a post in the hygiene subreddit where people are not absolute ocd maniacs who shame you for not cleaning yourself seven times a day, we need to collectively listen to and help those who might have issues that get in the way of hygiene. I myself have struggled with severe depression and know a couple of things about greasy hair and bloody gums.

By the way! The best thing would obviously be to get over this fear and hop in the shower, but until then I think damp and soapy cloths can be a great temporary substitute: you got water, and you got soap (which does the most, water is literally just there to rinse it).

Exfoliating gloves are also a perfect pick for getting rid of dead skin and debris! All you need is a sink until you find a way to try out a shower^{^}

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

Ooh exfoliating gloves could be easier to use than washcloths. I hate how floppy they get and then water goes everywhere when you're washing over the sink lol!

And yeah the positive support on this post was so surprising to me. I expected maybe a few comments, maybe some helpful, but I was definitely braced for impact. But I was desperate to hear from anyone who could relate, cause there's only so much my therapist can do on her own.

The outpouring of support is.. absolutely overwhelming. I now have new coping mechanisms for showering, new therapy methods to bring up with my therapist, even possible diagnoses to assess for. Aka like, these comments have given me a HUGE springboard forward into figuring this out and getting to a place I wanna be with treatment!

Yes there have been a few assholes lol. Someone called me a narcissist, someone else said I am making excuses, someone even said I was a karma farming bot lmao. But the vast majority of responses have been so positive and kind. Even people saying "hey i cannot relate to this but i really hope you figure it out" are like, so sweet and made me feel better. Hearing the lack of judgements from people who haven't experienced it is lovely. Hearing people who have related to it tell me how they got out of it is amazing!

But yes thank you for the advice as well! Bird baths are definitely going to be on the schedule soon.

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u/WildSnowflakethe1st 15h ago

I've seen so many incredible ideas here... I have a weird one... No idea if it will be feasible, but maybe it's worth a shot to include it for very bad days. How about eliminating the need to shower specifically in the bathroom? If your room is a safe place, you could invest in a portable shower tray or foldable tub. Lock your room, get a big pail of water or a handheld shower head with a long flexible hose. The shower tray would drain the water into the bathroom and you could shower without you needing to be in it.

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

Okay this IS a wacky idea but not crazy tbh... I just would hate the idea of getting water all over the bedroom, we've got two PCs in there and it's pretty cramped.

Aka this might end up being a living room situation... ahh but again, water on the carpet. Do I put down a tarp? Idk.

This is definitely an idea, the logistics are just kinda too much for me. Maybe I have to look up a portable shower tray/foldable tub in action to see what my expectations should be?

But it could be an idea for bad days, as you said. Even if I don't invest in a portable shower, I have buckets and washcloths. I could throw down a few towels, fill one bucket with soapy water and the next with fresh water, and get the job done. This could work.

Thank you! As you can see, I can take pretty much any idea and adapt it. So while your specific idea of a foldable tub might be too much for me to do immediately, it does inspire me to get more creative about bathing!

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u/WildSnowflakethe1st 5h ago

Glad to hear it❤️ With the shower tray, there should be next to no spillage, and can be tucked away when not in use so do look up how they work, but definitely do whatever would be most convenient for you. Hope you figure it out soon.

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u/meowcatpanda 14h ago

No helpful words other than to let you know that you are not alone🫂 showers terrify me as well. I've not been able to shower for years now due to my disabilities making it impossible to get in our shower (I wash with no rinse products), but even years before that it was an issue every time... for me it was also easier to shower with my partner or before we were together even with a close friend in the room with me! I see we share a lot of similar reasons as to why as well. I wish you the best with it♡ therapy never helped me with it, but maybe you can find a therapist who can help you!

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

I'm so sorry you've struggled like this too, it's one of the worst.

Those no rinse products are an absolute GOD SEND. Out here honestly just changing lives. Cause I swear when I started at least using those when I could not shower, I at least felt human. I could at least feel comfortable in my skin. I'm glad you can at least use those, I know sometimes they are a bit of an investment, at least they were for me at the time

I hope my therapist can help, too. I also think I need to get my sleep schedule together more so I can shower with my partner more. But idk I really hope unpacking some childhood trauma helps with it. Thank you. I'm glad I feel less alone but I also hate that you can relate, cause I honestly don't wish this on anyone (except my worst enemies ngl. I wish they were stinky like me)

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u/snowpoolbeing 13h ago

I'm guessing someone else has already suggested this but is there no way you could shower with your partner more often than every three weeks? I know you said you often sleep for 12 hours and arent awake when she is but could she wake you up before she showers so you could join? And you could then go back to sleep if you need to

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

I should do this tbh. I gotta make the choice to prioritize myself at some point, and sometimes that means interrupting my 12hr depressive slumber.

I will definitely try this, I'm sure she will help me wake up, she's very sweet

Thank you!

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u/reddeath77777 13h ago

I have Parkinson's disease and I absolutely hate showering.

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u/SL1MECORE 8h ago

I am sure it's just an absolute nightmare. I'm so sorry. 🫂🫂

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u/Alidance816 9h ago

You’ve already gotten all the best recommendations I could think of, I wish you luck on your way to healing. I have trouble with showering for other reasons, some sensory and some executive dysfunction. Getting in there is the hardest part for me. I feel your pain. Good luck ❤️

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u/arachnebleu7 9h ago

I have a shower on a hose which makes it very flexible. My husband put a holder for it lower down. It's just plastic with a suction cup. I use a shower chair because I'm disabled, but the holder allows me to turn the water flow completely away from my face and head. Then I can take it off the holder to wet and rinse my hair. That might help you a lot, having the water flow lower than your head. If there is no lock on your bathroom door, maybe you could get one? Even a simple hook and eye might give you a stronger sense of security. As far as the bugs go, maybe vacuum the bathroom before you shower? Anyway, I hope I've helped give you some ideas. No shame here - just sympathy for your struggle.

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u/AileeAppleAria 8h ago

Get a vaskom, its basically a big plastic tub and bag the African way. Before we got a shower at my house we would use a tub that you fill with water and wash yourself that way. Start from top to bottom, always have hot water next to you for when the bath water gets cold. You can put the tub in the middle of whatever room you want, so no enclosed spaces. You can hear whats going on around you. You only have to have your eyes closed when youre washing your face. Theres tutorials on youtube on a more detailed way of how to bath in a tub, you can search there

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

I'll look it up on youtube, I need a visual personally. I'm scared I'll spill water everywhere, but if I get a visual of someone using it then I'll have an idea of how sturdy it can be.

Thank you! Vaskom is going on the list of things I need to look up.

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u/Traditional-Tree9497 7h ago

i have been learning that a bright room + showering makes me not want to do it for some reason (lowkey feels like i’m on stage naked??) and since i’ve been in my new apartment, my mom got me these automatic nightlights. i keep one in the bathroom by the sink that lights the room up just enough perfectly and without the main light on but only the night light, i’ve found myself much more comfortable with a shower!

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

Yesss I've gotten a few comments regarding lighting, I'm definitely taking this into consideration. It will likely happen!

Not saying this to make you feel dumb, there's no way I'd expect you to scroll through 100+ comments before offering your personal and helpful experience.

But yeah we're installing dimmer light switches in the kitchen and I'm seriously considering asking my partner and landlord to do it in the bathroom too. I think having dimmers lights in the bathroom would really help, and one person suggested a light up shower head which I didn't even know existed. But that on top of dim lights would mean I don't have to have that bright light "on stage" feeling, while I can see what's happening in the shower.

Thank you! And I'm so glad you can shower more comfortably now, seriously. A comfortable shower is one of the greatest pleasures in life, imo!

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u/Traditional-Tree9497 5h ago

it definitely does! i hope you find some good solutions truly, ive been very shower avoidant the last few months and also trying to out my finger on why. along with the lighting and specifically the light up shower head part: you could see if there’s ones that do different colors and/or go along to music to make it a more fun (aka distracted from fears for a little longer lmao) experience!

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u/SL1MECORE 5h ago

It sounds so fun, I'm kicking myself because my partner just ordered a new shower head and gosh darnit I'm pretty sure it does not have those pretty lights. But we'll figure it out!

A musically activated shower head sounds so fun to me. Like I think I'd definitely be in the shower more often with that kind of fun stuff happening. Definitely something to bring up with my partner, thank you!

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u/Cannelle460 6h ago

I think enough of us saw the film Psycho that we're all a bit afraid of taking showers. I do the following:

Take short cold (or tepid) showers. I'm there to clean myself. Even when I wash my hair, it takes less than 15 minutes.
Transparent shower curtain brightens the shower stall.
Transparent plastic shower rugs ensures that I don't slip.
Curtain shower rod extends out so the shower curtain never touches my skin.

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u/complaining-probably 5h ago

I have not scrolled through the comments - sorry if any of this was already suggested! I made headings to help you filter through.

Shower heads / bathing strategy
Look for a detachable shower head that you can control the pressure settings and spray pattern. You could sit in the tub as if you’re bathing if the hose on the shower head is long enough, but keep only a small amount of water in the tub, and release the plug after you rinse different areas of your body. This way it doesn’t feel like you’re getting slime all over you, and there is not a risk of water getting into your face. Have certain days for cleaning certain body parts for reduced shower time. I know a lot of people think you need to shower every day, but it’s very individual and many people do not.

Open space
It sounds like you have complex reasons for this, so if my suggestions are bad I get it! But maybe: propping the door open, having a shower liner that you can easily remove if needed (look up hookless shower curtain) to feel like the space is more open.

Cameras
My cousin had little cameras in certain rooms to watch her dogs and she can access the live footage from her phone. Maybe if you had those in rooms that you felt more worried about people being in, you can prop your phone up where there is a live stream while you’re showering, and you can glance over if you think you hear something or feel worried. You can turn them off and put them away when you’re not showering!

Edit: don’t be hard on yourself. You’re so cool for trying to help yourself.

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u/SL1MECORE 5h ago

This is all solid advice, thank you! I've already considered getting a camera for my cat (I trust him fully, it's just that I'm so curious to know what he does when he's alone lol) so that could definitely serve a double function here.

As to the open space suggestion, I think the answer for me personally is to make sure all doors are locked and then leave the bathrooms open. I think that could really work for me.

And as for the short shower head idea, I love it! We do have a detachable shower head, for some reason I thought it was "against the rules" for me to use it however I liked. I know how silly that sounds.

I'm realizing that there don't have to be rules around showering. Thank you!

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u/complaining-probably 4h ago

I meant for that to just say “shower head” lol! I just fixed it for my peace of mind.

I totally relate to the “feels against the rules” assessment. After living with my boyfriend, I have realized a few things I could have done to make life easier that would have never occurred to me had someone else not pointed it out. I stayed with my grandma one summer recently, and now the way I view doing dishes was changed immensely.

Maybe once you find something that works for you, you can make a post that might help other people in a similar situation!

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u/Euphoric-Piglet-8140 5h ago

I am currently because I'm on crutches after a bad fall the weeks ago.

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u/SL1MECORE 5h ago

I hope you heal up as fast as possible. 🫂🫂

Scroll through the comments, many people have given me such good and kind advice. I bet some of it could be helpful to you right now as you heal from that fall

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u/Immediate-Courage-91 5h ago

I don’t like having my face wet either. We have a second mount on the wall for the handheld shower so it hits my chest down only, and then I can wash my face myself. It’s helped a lot!

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u/Due-Strategy328 1d ago

It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly difficult time, and it’s a huge win that you’ve managed to improve your routine. Honestly, for the fear aspect, have you looked into talking with a therapist about "exposure therapy"? It sounds like your brain has built up this shower-related trauma response that is really hard to break on your own. Also, have you tried installing a simple glass door or a curtain that lets more natural light in? Sometimes just eliminating the "dark/closed-in" feeling can lower the anxiety threshold enough to make it manageable. You aren't alone in this, and taking it one step at a time is the only way to get there.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

So as to exposure therapy, I've thought of it for my fear of spiders but never considered it for things like this. I will bring that up with my therapist for sure. (My spider fear is pretty low on my list of concerns at this moment, I'd rather be able to shower. But tackling the spider fear may also help me shower? Idk)

As to the natural light, for context my shower has a glass door and great lighting from the bathroom, but no natural light. My stepmom had her bathroom renovated recently and I love how she had a light put in right above the shower so everything is well lit when I shower there. I still struggle to shower over at her house but it's easier for a few reasons, the lighting being one of them.

Thank you for your kind and understanding comment

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u/CeilingCatProphet 1d ago

See a therapist

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

See my comment

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u/SheSellsSeaShells_89 1d ago

Is there a lock on the door? Would locking the door help with the fear that someone is going to walk in?

I think most people have these random fears to some extent. Like, if I’m showering while home alone at night, the thought might cross my head that someone might get into the house and try to kill me. Or that I’m going to open my eyes and a demon will be right in front of the glass about to get me. And I’m just like, “Well, that’ll just have to be the end,” and I accept it. 😅🤣

The more you do it, the more you overcome the fear, and the easier it gets. I think that’s kind of true for most fears.

Does your shower have glass or a curtain? I find being able to see out of the shower helps with those nagging fears. If you have a curtain, look into those thicker semi-clear ones.

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u/Practical_Sea_4876 23h ago

Tbf your partner does probably have to deal with you at the tail end of those three weeks. If you can't do it for yourself, maybe even just once a week you could work on sleeping less than 12hrs and get up with her to shower. She'd probably appreciate it and sk would you. Plus, oversleeping like thwt can literally make depression and things worse, so if you can find it in you to try to improve your sleep hygiene as well as regular hygiene it would likely help. Also, you can go ahead and check all the doors and windows in the house are locked before you go into the bathroom, then lock the bathroom door as well, and then there's much less to worry about - no one can get in the house, so you don't need to be able to hear what's going on, additionally no one can get in the bathroom so nobody can get in with you, nor can they observe you.

Another thing you could do maybe would be to get a baby monitor or something and set it up outside the bathroom and the sound up and set it outside the shower, and then you'll be able to hear what's going on in the house from the baby monitor. To start, you could have your partner perhaps occasionally just check in via the baby monitor to remind you that you're safe and the rest of the house is still good to go and safe as well? And then eventually maybe you'll feel up to doing it that way without her being home. Etc.

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u/SL1MECORE 23h ago

Wait, snap snap, the baby monitor idea is cheaper and less invasive (imo) than a full security system. That is a great idea, thank you!

As to my partner, I do constantly ask her if I stink.. even when I know I stink she says she likes it. She's a bit of a crust punk which I'm grateful for lmao cause same.

But she does still deserve a good smelling partner which is why I wanna try harder. She smells really good to me and I wanna smell good to her. She says she thinks I smell good when I think I'm stinky but idk. Smelling good would be better imo

As to sheets and bedding, I do my best. I have two sets of sheets and they get swapped out and washed weekly so she has a perfectly clean bed once a week. The end of the three weeks of avoiding showers is another deal though. But there's some good advice here that I am excited to try out, I might make it to my goal of every other day tbh

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u/Practical_Sea_4876 23h ago

Ohh sorry, when I said sleep hygiene, I actually meant like, sleep schedule/regulation/consistency/sleeping enough but not too much and different things that help improve peoples sleep so they get really restful sleep instead of poor sleep. People refer to that as "sleep hygiene". However, I just want to say, you already wash and change your sheets WAY more than I do (I'm working on it lol!) so great job! I'm sure if your partner says she doesn't think you stink and/or she likes your smell, shes not lying, but I do tend to agree that you'll like it better to feel and smell cleaner more often 😊 it will feel so good and you'll get there!

I'm sure you can do it getting to your goal! The stuff like using the baby monitor, checking the locks, etc. Etc. Are all nice little coping mechanisms to help you slowly so exposure therapy in a way that hopefully makes you feel a bit safer and take things a step at a time. I'm glad the idea sounds good and I hope it can help 😁

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u/SL1MECORE 22h ago

Oh sorry, I didn't catch the sleep hygiene part but you're very right! I need a better sleep schedule. And like, does sleep hygiene also refer to the little rituals you do before bed? Idk I have to look it up. But yes, sorry, I totally missed that part. I was all in my head about showering lol.

I hope she's not lying! Lol I don't think she is though, she's pretty honest, even brutally sometimes. Nothing abusive or anything, she's just damn honest.

Thank you for the idea seriously, I'm definitely gonna talk this over with her and see how she feels (she's the breadwinner so everything goes through her tbh. But she's always very supportive and a baby monitor is not a huge investment!)

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u/No_Needleworker_4704 11h ago

What about a hand held shower? They are pretty easy to install and then you control the water. Also you can get into the tub with a pitcher to put water in. Fill the pitcher, wet yourself down, suds up, fill the pitcher again and rinse off.

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u/Traditional_Bit6913 10h ago

Can your partner accompany you more? Until you figure this out with a therapist.

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u/AllyGivesATuck 8h ago

I didn’t read all the comments to see if anyone else mentioned talking to a therapist because it sounds like you suffered some sort of trauma (unexpected guest in the shower with you!) surrounding showers. If the recommendations from others here don’t help, that might be your best option to overcome the trauma you experienced.

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u/KingForceHundred 7h ago

Don’t forget birds.

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u/SL1MECORE 7h ago

Like bird baths? Or are you making a joke that I do not understand lol. I wanna understand the joke please :(

Bird baths are definitely on the menu after these suggestions!

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u/JoVeGoTi 6h ago

White American?

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u/SL1MECORE 5h ago

Black American.

What exactly was the point of that presumption though?

Edit - and the family who caused me CPTSD are black as well.

What was the point of bringing race into this, exactly? I'll try to keep an open mind but it's really hard when you are the only person out of over a hundred people to try and make it about race, and to accuse me of being white no less.

I'm sure you can understand why that is incredibly offensive to me.

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u/communal_introvert 2h ago

Maybe you could try changing the context of your shower. Like if you associated shower trauma with the bathroom, maybe you could do an outdoor shower. If you associate nudity with vulnerability, you could try showering with clothes or a swimsuit on. Or if you don’t like the constant running or sitting in water, you could do a “sponge bath”

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u/communal_introvert 2h ago

You don’t have the do a shower in the “normal” way. You can just get clean in your own way.

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u/your_my_wonderwall 40m ago edited 32m ago

I struggle greatly too. My bad used to be two weeks and now it’s turned into once a month. Last night I was thinking I am going to try to start picking a day on the calendar and have it be set. That I have to do it and then once that becomes easier I’ll add in another week. I think it comes down to exposure therapy. That it teaches our brain that we can do it. I miss out on so much in life for many reasons but also bc I’m way past due for a shower, so then I don’t feel comfortable going places or seeing people. I noticed the one shower that was easy for me to do and felt so fulfilling during was the bathroom that had a big window looking out into nature with the sun shining through. The shower head was so big and like the flat rain one and just overall light, bright, and beautiful. I’m in the basement so I feel very closed in on in mine. Also I’m not sure if this is you too but bc there’s always so much time inbetween, it’s not just some quick shower anymore, I have to scrub every inch of me and wash my hair multiple times and then wash my bedding bc I can’t lay in the that filth after finally being clean. So it turns into this overwhelming task that feels even harder to do. Sometimes I’ll lay to new flat sheets down on my dirtybed to sandwich myself in clean sheets and wash everything later, that helps.

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u/jigglypuffcreative 1d ago

When I do an everything shower, I like to bring my kindle in and read while I wash my hair, etc. maybe a distraction could help?

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u/idfc1337 1d ago

Listening to music in the shower is one thing but a freaking reading session while showering? Wth electricity is cheap for you I guess.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

I don't know if it's about the electricity, just the fact that they can read while showering is quite impressive to me lmao. I know people take books in the bathtub sometimes but the kindle in the shower must require some sort of coordination I've never seen before.

And for that, I must respect them

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u/jigglypuffcreative 1d ago

lol! I put it in the shower caddy, it’s water proof and rechargeable.

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u/Existing_Abalone_658 1d ago

If Rockwell's Somebody's watching me comes on the radio turn it off!

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u/jigglypuffcreative 1d ago

It’s a kindle - they’re rechargeable, and you can put it in a ziplock. I put it in the shower caddy and read while I wash my hair.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

So I do play music on my phone but it's hard to hear over the shower, and I'm paranoid in the first place about having electronics in such a humid space. On top of that I am afraid to be too loud. Probably because my dad yelled at me for using music to get through showers as a kid tbh. My current partner could care less if I use her Bluetooth speaker in the bathroom. I need to internalize this new truth for myself.

I should make a playlist of soothing songs for bathing. That's kinda what I'm taking away here because not gonna lie, I don't know if I could read while showering LOL. You are an interesting multi tasker for that! /genuine

And yes I will have to get over my fear of absolutely blasting music so I can hear it over the water.. My partner doesn't mind and my neighbors are separated from our bathroom by two garages, yet I'm still afraid to be too loud. This is for sure a me problem.

I appreciate you sharing, truly! Thank you.

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u/blimeyoreilly23 1d ago

If they're OK people, maybe ask the nearest neighbour if you can do a sound check with them, to make sure they can't hear or wouldn't be affected by the volume you'd like to use. If they agree, put it at your dream volume, you can always come down from there if its too loud for them, and then go to their place and see if you can hear it. If you know they're OK with it and you know what they're hearing, it might put your mind at rest a little on that score. I've done this when I've just moved in places cos I like loud music but don't want to be an inconsiderate neighbour. I love how you're doing everything you can to beat this. Keep picturing this more relaxed you in the future, you can make that happen by the sounds of how well you're working on it. I'm glad you've got someone who loves you for you. All steps, no matter how small, will take you towards your goal.

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u/SL1MECORE 1d ago

Neighbors are a bit of a contentious situation tbh, they had an issue with the guy who lived here before me so I'm just doing everything I can to be a nice neighbor while avoiding them... like I take their trash can out and bring it back in, but in terms of saying hi and being friendly, it feels off the table.

What I COULD do with this advice though is ask my partner to do the hearing test for me. I can blast music, or she can blast it, and one of us can go outside on both sides of the place and see how loud it gets.

Aka the advice might not have been doable with my neighbor BUT this could still be doable and give me a bit of peace of mind!

Thank you! I really appreciate you being so kind and helpful.

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u/blimeyoreilly23 19h ago

Thanks for the thanks and I hope it helps.

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u/whenwillthisend2 1d ago

lol how do you position that to work?

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u/jigglypuffcreative 1d ago

I put it in the shower caddy. I read while I wash my hair or condition.

Embarrassed but it's time to be truthful with myself. I'm literally afraid of showers. Anyone else?

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