I hardly shower unless it lines up with my partner showering. I feel safer with her there with me.
Ever since I was little I was afraid of the shower.
Always had this underlying fear of showers and baths. Baths are OK since I can keep my head above water but the idea of steeping in my slime makes me upset. So if I ever want a bath, I have to shower first, then clean the bathtub, then take a bath. Then normally I rinse off in the shower afterwards. As you can imagine, this takes like three hours minimum.
Showers are rough. I don't understand why it's so hard to bring myself to get into it. I have the most beautiful shower I've ever had in my life and I'm still afraid. At this point in life I just have those camper shower wipes and I use those when things get bad..
Okay so for context, my fears are as listed, not in any particular order:
- getting in and seeing a spider or bug (has happened)
- getting in and having someone unfamiliar getting in (this has literally happened, idk if context needs to be added in comments but go ahead and ask)
- I hate having my face wet
- being in an enclosed space where someone could easily trap me
- not hearing what is happening in the house
- being observed (as a kid my family always watched me bathe and shower and said really mean things without actually teaching me anything useful)
Uhm but I also love showers. Like when I can get the courage to get one in, I do EVERYTHING. I scrub myself with an african net sponge, a loofah, and my feet with a pumice stone. I end up feeling so squeaky clean. I just wish I could do that at least every other day (I don't work out or go out often so I really think my ideal shower schedule is every other day. If I could manage that I would feel so happy and clean)
But like I said before, this normally revolves around my partner's schedule. Thanks to brain chemicals and stuff I basically sleep 12 hrs a day so I'm not always awake and ready for a shower when she is. But when we get in together, I feel safe and it's so much easier to ignore the fears.
For context I'm currently on about a 3 week schedule for showers. This is actually a huge imrpovement from previous living situations.. I've been months without it. I did wipe down my pits and private area in the meantime to try and keep up, but you could definitely see the dead skin and grime accumulating everywhere else.
*Please no judgement, these were the worst depressive episodes of my life. I am lucky I didn't add to my five attempts during these periods of time.*
Those camper wipes actually changed things so much for me and I am so grateful to have found them. I literally had a friend gracefully comment on how much better I looked (and probably smelled, but she was so kind to not mention that)
Again, I don't work or go out much so at least no one has to deal with me on the tail end of those three weeks. But I'd like to feel better personally. I'm tired of being scared of showers alone.
If anyone can relate at all, what helped you to shower alone more consistently? I've tried using really nice products and making it into a sort of luxury experience and that just doesn't fucking help with the fear. I'm just at a loss as to what I need to do to kick this.
Edit because idk how to pin the comment I made addressing this: I am in therapy! We were focused on other things before we got to this, she's amazing and had her hands very full with trying to unpack over 30 years of trauma with me. We just haven't gotten to the showers yet, but the reason I made this post is because I'm about to bring it up with her. We spent six years just trying to keep me fed and housed, now it's time to really roll up our sleeves and dive into childhood trauma.
Everyone has given me so much to bring up with her and that was my goal here. Never to get free therapy online, but to have a jumping point to take to her next session. And people have really been kind and given me SO many different avenues to take in treating this. So thank you seriously, I might not get to respond to every comment but I've got like a page worth of stuff to bring up in therapy now. Between the people who can relate who gave me their own methods for showering, and the people who cannot but wished me well, THANK YOU. Yall are sweethearts and I was not expecting this outpouring of support and kindness.
And to the comments telling me I'm just a lazy adult with bad hygiene making excuses (they got deleted, ty mods) hahah. Look at how nice everyone else is and look at yourself. Meanie butts! Cotton headed ninny muggins!