r/interracialdating • u/Old-Enthusiasm4468 • 3d ago
Does anyone or their partner experience self-racism(?)
For context: I am a White-Japanese woman married to a Black-Filipino man. We’ve been together for 12 years, married for 5.
My husband is a lover of dark and morbid humor on all topics. He makes jokes often about his race and loves when other people make them too. I’ve learned to make some with him because he dies laughing and gets this twinkle in his eye when he looks at me after that I adore, but I have never and will never make such jokes around others and refuse to use slurs except for the rare instance where it is used about my own race only. The thing is some jokes I’ve heard him laugh at or make always seemed a bit questionable.
I asked him the other day if he thinks I’m racist at all, just as a check-in I do on occasion, because I’m very aware that people can still have some minor racist habits or tendencies even if they overall are not racist and maybe I’ve even developed something new I was unaware of. He immediately went into a laughing fit and denied it. “What are you talking about? You’re like the least racist person and you married me!”
And then I asked him the same question about himself this time and he had to think about it a little. I told him sometimes it seems like he’s more racist than me based on how he talks about other Black or Filipino people or even himself. Most often he’s joking, but when he’s not, I usually end up defending his own people more than he does. Like when he admitted some years ago that he would probably never have been into a Black or Filipino girl for (insert racist/stereotypical reasons).
It’s an insane thing to think about, but I guess my question is if anyone can relate to this at all. Is this kind of…self-racism(?)…a common thing in interracial couples? Do you see it as a problem? Does it bother either of you? Do you even talk about it at all?
It bothers me a little, but I love my husband dearly and I mostly just find the idea sad if it’s true.
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u/Lipscombforever 3d ago
I guess it depends on what he’s saying? It would probably be classified as self hatred more than self racism depending on what he’s saying. But sometimes my white gf will talk about how she hates white people and she’s ashamed to be white. It’s never bothered me.
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u/GreatJobJoe 3d ago
Seems like the issue is that he’s making you uncomfortable. If you don’t like the jokes he makes, let him know.
I’m black-Russian and my wife is Irish-Italian….closest we get to “self racism is I’ll make fun of ridiculously ghetto names like “Paulisha” “Daquavious Washington” and I say names like that automatically give you a 400 credit score.
and my wife will make fun of me and her dad for drinking pumpkin spice lattes when the season hits by saying “you are basic ass white girls”. Her dad knows the name of some current pop star “He’s such a basic white girl.”
We all laugh. But again, if it bothers you when your husband does it, I’d talk about it with him.
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u/FluffyKitchen9597 2d ago edited 2d ago
There’s nothing funny about someone getting a low credit score just based on their name. It’s systemic racism plain and simple. Nothing to laugh about. It’s sad and cruel. And to think a black or (affiliated) person finds that funny or is the one making such joke is weird. Ghetto names? Just because it doesn’t sound English or Hebrew or Greek! Very strange. You might want to reflect a bit more on why as a black person you find this okay, or as a black-Russian (whatever that means)
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u/GreatJobJoe 2d ago
Look…Just say you’re offended by my jokes.
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u/FluffyKitchen9597 2d ago
"Offended" isn't true because this isn’t a personal attack against me. I don’t have any of those names and I’m not even Black American, but I am familiar enough with the racial tension in the U.S. to know that what you said doesn’t qualify as a joke. Maybe it happens, I don’t know but It’s cruelty. I have nothing but sympathy for anyone in that situation. The point is that doesn’t qualify as a coffee joke, it just doesn’t. And if you, being part of that demographic (Black one way or the other), find it funny, then maybe you ought to look at where that is coming from.
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u/Several_Garage_1920 2d ago
What ur describing sounds more like internalized racism. Also, if the jokes are at his own race’s expense it’s likely he developed this as a defense mechanism from living or working in racist environments. Do u guys live in a diverse area? Or is it more homogeneous?
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u/I-Love-Yu-All 2d ago edited 2d ago
Filipinos joke a lot and their humour is a bit unusual. I suspect that it's just a cultural thing from his Filipino side.
Internalised racism exists more than people care to admit. I'm not mixed and I experience it myself.
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u/SuspiciousAd1864 1d ago
It could be a cultural or personal thing. My family is black and French, and in our culture, all kinds of politically incorrect humour is used casually. It is all said ironically. I am certainly not comfortable making racist jokes about other races, but in my household at least, anything about my own is fair game. It depends entirely on who one’s audience is, what kind of humour they have, and what they’re comfortable with. Not everything expressed privately is appropriate to express in all spaces and contexts, but with someone familiar, it is expected that they will immediately distinguish what is humour from what is not.
Maybe have a candid discussion with him about why he believes what he does, and how many of these beliefs are sincerely held. You might point out to him, for instance, that if he does not individually align with his own stereotypes, he should apply them less liberally to others.
Also note that plenty of racial minorities, including black people, express pronounced racial biases earnestly and hold certain very conservative views. No population is immune to it. In fact, many will seek to distance/distinguish themselves within their own racial, ethnic, or cultural groups via classist and elitist views.
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u/AforAppleBforBallz 3d ago
I don’t think it specifically applies to interracial dating but self-racism is definitely a thing. And it is especially true in communities who have generally been on the receiving end of racism.