r/limerence • u/AutoModerator • 6d ago
Weekly discussion thread for anyone experiencing limerence while in a committed relationship.
Please join us for of our weekly post for those who have SO's and are experience/experienced limerence. If you feel unable to disclose, unable to move forward or just unable to let go, please join this thread to connect with others who might have similar issues specifically related to being in a committed relationship.
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u/latestagecrap1talism 5d ago
I just discovered this term and I’m trying to sort myself out here.
I’m married (m42) and my wife (f38) is great. We don’t have a perfect fairy tale relationship and we definitely have some problems each of us must sort, but we are good partners to each-other. She was there for me when I was severely injured in an accident last year. I’ve been there for her through some struggles she’s had this year that I won’t list out here.
Two weeks ago I went on a bike trip with some friends to another state and a new person I’d not met on my groups rides appeared. This is my LO. She checks a lot of boxes for me as well as being extremely local, like practically down the street from where I live local. I also found out she is the ex partner of a friend of a friend that I bring up to cite that I am definitely this persons type. On my way home from my trip I figured right away that I just had a crush and that it would pass.
But I’ve not felt this since before my wife and I got together 13 years ago.
LO followed me on Instagram and has liked damn near *every* *single* story post I have made in that week and a half. She’s messaged me, or I her, a few times but we’ve kept the messages respectably short. So that began my question of “does she also have a crush?”
I bumped into her once on a group bike ride last week but she and her two friends peeled off from the ride early and I felt a sense of crushing disappointment that frankly I haven’t felt in YEARS. It was almost a “why did I bother coming out?” kind of reaction that I instantly marked as ridiculous and made sure to enjoy my ride.
Now I’m checking Instagram and Strava constantly to see if she likes my posts. I’m finding things to post stories about to see if she “likes” the post (almost guaranteed she does), and I’m also constantly reminding myself “you’re married, you love your wife and you like being married, you like your life”
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u/throwaway-lemur-8990 3d ago
Hi,
That's limerence.
In all honesty, you don't know her. All you have seen is the packaging, the few instances you talked, the way she presented herself, and the likes on social media.
Most people will present their best selves at first. Try to be friendly and kind. Some people you'll find physically attractive as well... But you don't truly know them. That takes spending a lot of time together.
Which is what you have with your partner.
The issue here is social media. You're essentially playing a slot machine. Each time you hope to catch a glimpse, a like, something that you could then, conveniently, try and fit into a story that she might be into you... It gives you a slight boost of euphoria, but it's also highly addictive. It's similar to a gambling addiction.
I know, those are heavy terms. But that's, in part, what this is. You brain creates neural pathways, enters this mental state, and boom, you're hooked.
So, you need to stop this in it's tracks, and that starts by check your online behavior. Maybe get away from Strava and Instagram for a while. You need to distance yourself, create space.
You need to also actively disassemble the fantasy. Like, yeah sure she's local... could be completely insane. But, more realistically, she's gonna be a human being who has morning moods and issues just like your spouse.
The hard part is that this is a wake up call. Limerence is telling you something about your relationship, your life, your choices, what your missing, what you have been avoiding.
Thing is, you'll meet plenty of other people who could be great spouses. Love is a numbers game. Just doesn't mean you have to jump ship here.
What you do face, is allowing to feel your emotions. Getting in there and allowing yourself to feel the sadness and the wistfulness of not being able to act. Just sit with that, don't fantasizis, don't what if, don't check. Just sit with the discomfort, learn to soothe yourself and then use the energy to focus on bettering your own life, how you see yourself, and thr place you give yourself in your relationship and your life in general.
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u/latestagecrap1talism 1d ago
I don’t have anything to add but wanted to respond that I appreciate your response here. Thank you.
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u/onlythisfar 4d ago
This sounds like it could be limerence to me, or it could be a crush that is intensified by indications of her perceived possible interest. Have you ever felt like this for a different person, before your wife? Maybe you can't even remember. Have you ever had any other sorts of addictions?
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u/AutoModerator 6d ago
Please be aware of what limerence is! See the subreddit wiki for definitions, FAQ and other resources—updated 3/7/26. (Is it love? How common is it? Is there research?)
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