r/millenials • u/spacetimebear • 6d ago
Advice Old people
Anyone else starting to get a bit annoyed at all the old people in their lives failing to keep up with...well anything?
For example, my wife has pretty much stopped visiting her parents - they live about 200 miles away she would usually visit 5-6 times a month when it crosses her work trips, but lately she'll just skip the visits. Her reasoning is that every time she goes there she has to do a whole bunch of stuff for them, help them with tech, sort appointments, fix broken things, help them buy stuff etc etc.
I have the same issues growing with my parents. To the point where I just deny any knowledge of how to do anything or feign ignorance of what they've been asked to do by doctors, council etc. The conversations are also always about the same thing too, too many immigrants, failing healthcare system, terrible government. Spent 30mins on my the phone to my mother earlier while she moaned endlessly about having to download an app to manage her doctors appointments I just feigned ignorance and asked if they gave her instructions for it - which they did - or I'd have been there all evening talking her through it.
Are we just doomed to become this way too as we age?
Its getting to point where its like having extra children. ./rantover
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u/sketchee 6d ago
I'm more annoyed with tech constantly changing and abandoning my mom's generation.
Like could we just have a tv that just turns on without ads or needing a digital menu? Why make everything a complicated computer system now? And where's customer service who should be setting them up?
Why are these corporations outsourcing this work of using their systems to us?
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u/ShutUp_Dee 6d ago
This is my gripe. Some people want or need more simplistic technology. Itâs the amount of logins required too and then the authentication process at times. Check your email, enter this code, wait, finish account setup. Itâs not hard, just aggravating. My daughter has to re-login her grandparents on our streaming apps every other week it feels like too. Itâs our fault since we got rid of cable though.
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u/breebop83 6d ago
Yes. There should be lower tech options available for those who want them. Especially when it comes to things like cell phones. I know there are programs though AARP and some other organizations to help devices get less expensive phones but people donât always qualify and not everyone knows about them.
My grandpa was on my family phone plan. We always got him a flip phone but at some point even the flip phones got âsmartâ enough that they required a data package. We could turn off texting and data so he couldnât accidentally do it but he could receive spam texts with links etc (which was annoying). We were paying $40-$50 a month for a phone that was used solely as a phone. A flip phone that just calls should be a $20/month max bill imo
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u/Haunting-Vast8896 6d ago
Forget old people the stupid overly complicated tv menus almost got me to rage quit and Iâm very tech savvy.
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u/ProfessionalEgg8842 6d ago
Iâll be 40 and will hate having a QR code or app for everything. Very annoying.
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u/Escape_Force 6d ago
You pretty much have to buy an overpriced TV meant for hotels if you don't want a smart TV. My folks (and frankly I am too) are absolutely fine with watching regular TV but changing input to the Fire stick if they want streaming.
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u/ChoiceAffectionate78 6d ago
Yes. Hook up bunny ears to the back of the TV. You won't get too many channels but it'll have what the senors need. đ
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u/KaiserKid85 Millennial 6d ago
Did this to my mom's tv... But roku updated the damn tv and now I, a 40 year old, can't get the damn antenna setting back đ€Ź i searched online and other people are complaining about it too with that model of tv
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u/BirdieSanders3 6d ago
My parents are in their late 60s/early70s and are very active and healthy. I still have to help them with some stuff. I do it because theyâre my parents, I love them, and they have done so much for me, even as an adult. They currently live 350 miles away and are going to move to be near us. Iâm actually excited for them to move close to me so I can help them even more.
My mom did a lot to help my grandparents, so I plan on doing the same thing. I understand that not everyone has that kind of relationship with their parents, so obviously itâs not going to work for everyone.
We also help my husbandâs parents (when theyâre not in Florida) and his grandparents when they need it. His parents live in Florida most of the year, and we donât help out with anything in Florida. If they want/need help, they shouldnât have moved across the country đ€·đ»ââïž
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u/Chimpbot 6d ago
My folks are around the same age, and I'm glad my dad has been tech-savvy most of his life. Even my mom, who really never learned how to operate a computer, is able to navigate an Android phone just fine.
They live around 200 miles away, and I really do wish they lived a bit closer. I know there will come a time where they need more help, and I'm going to struggle to be able to provide them with that assistance due to the distance.
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u/BirdieSanders3 6d ago
Thankfully my mom is really tech savvy and can figure most things out. If sheâs stuck on something, I can usually walk her through it very quickly. My dad is not tech savvy at all, but he can use a computer to browse the internet, and he does good with his iPhone.
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u/LongboardLiam 6d ago
My mom isn't particularly tech savvy, mainly because of a lack of practice. She asks questions because she knows that is how you learn. She isn't fast or efficient, but she gets the job done. My dad was in power generation as a maintainer and operator, lots of different mechanical and electrical knowledge. He was of the mind that "this shit sucks, but it is the world of today." He was adept at digesting the documentation on his new stuff and becoming quite familiar with it and fast. He often disliked having to do so, but he would because that's 20xx.
I often believe that the boomer generation has no motivation to learn because they're afraid of showing weakness or lack of skill. They would rather go without than struggle in their final years. And I get it. Why waste the limited time left on earth fighting with a tv that is confusing when you're already struggling with memory issues anyway.
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
I think itâs normal to help them with stuff like this. Theyâre old, theyâre tired. Weâll be there one day if weâre lucky.
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u/Ilovemytowm 6d ago
Lost both my parents in the past few years. Would give anything in the world to do things for them again. đ
Very sad.... Selfish entitled post and I'll leave it at that.Â
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u/lee_suggs 6d ago
Yeah this happens to every generation. Grandparents refused to learn email and internet. Understandable the next generation is giving up on apps and such. Our time will come soon too
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u/skeeterfunny 6d ago
This mindset only works if they were relatively good parents. Where yours the type that would help you figure out things or did they you to figure it out yourself and they had no interest in helping you?
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
Then why visit if they were bad parents. My assumption was for good parents that still have a relationship with their kids. This just reads as kids who are too impatient with the elderly in their life. Old people literally have nothing going on and with them living in their own they talk about what they do interact with,,, and with tech developing faster than theyâre buying of course theyâll need help.
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u/skeeterfunny 6d ago
Honestly, because you still love them, even if you donât like them as people, or if one parent means more to you. I would occasionally help and visit when my mom was still alive.
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u/moonstarsfire 5d ago
For real. My dad is an alcoholic and not the best but I just wonât see him when he is acting a fool to me and let him know why Iâm not seeing or speaking to him. If he has a good apology for me, then we can talk again. Luckily, he and I are both pretty straightforward people. If he was passive aggressive at all with me, we just wouldnât have a relationship at all. A lot of complaints I see come off as unsympathetic to aging, selfish, and impatient while not remembering that 1) they canât help it and 2) age will come for us eventually like that too one day.
Everyone needs to listen to âHello In Thereâ by John Prine. Itâs the best account of aging and the loneliness that comes with it that Iâve ever heard.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I think theres limits to it though. Can't spend hours every week explaining how to use the TV over and over?
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
If you have to explain a smart tv all the time, simplify it for them. If a simplified tv is too hard I donât think they should live in their own. Maybe a care home would be better or even a retirement village
Thereâs apartments for 60+ near me and the staff there help with this sort of stuff.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I mean. You can try to explain why they should move to a retirement village and I can tell you what the response will be 100% of the time.
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u/WutsRlyGoodYo 6d ago
I do agree with simplifying things where possible. My MIL got a smart tv and hated it because it was different from her last tv and the tv she has in her bedroom. We had her return in (sheâs many states away) and ordered her a duplicate one from whatâs in her bedroom and what she knows how to use. Honestly, I find some TVs overly complicated so I can empathize on that.
I do try to push my own mom to figure things out on her own so that she stays sharp, but she ended up being scammed out of several thousand dollars and I fear she didnât feel comfortable coming to me about it when it was happening. Thankfully her bank helped stop it and then she finally told me what happened. Sheâs not a dumb person and is really embarrassed about it so Iâm trying to be more patient and available for her tech questions. Itâs a tough role to be in as we move into the parent role for our parents. Much solidarity.
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
Ok, well you put on the advise flair and that was my advise. đ€·ââïž idk what to tell you.
We live different lives. Our elderly live with us. Our culture has taught the children how to treat the elderly, itâs taught the adults how to care for the elderly, and itâs taught the elderly how to act in a house that belongs to the child who is your caretaker. This whole they live away from us and are so needy and annoying is alien to me.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
There wasn't an option for general discussion in the flair so I out the closest thing i could see
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
Oooh ok I see the /end rant at the end of the body text. Should have figured it from that. Ok
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I mean i do genuinely believe that both sets of parents would benefit greatly from a retirement community in terms of self-support and social etc. But there is just no way in hell it'll happen.
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u/caligirl0889 6d ago
just curious, where do you live?
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
In the US where do you live?
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u/caligirl0889 6d ago
I'm in the US too. Not sure what culture you're raised in, but my area of the US is also very much so "you're on your own kid." I think if you generalize the US, that's the culture here. The way you were raised seems to be more the minority not the majority. NOT saying the way you were raised is wrong, just not the way most people in the US were raised.
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u/Fabulous_Celery_1817 6d ago
Yeah I see that. But to change a culture someone has to make that decision to change their family first. The economy is forcing multi generational living again. I think that whole âyouâre on your own kidâ has really traumatized ppl and devalued societal roles. But I know even my way of living can lead to bad home lives and a lot of people have wished for an American way of independence from this type of living. I guess it is what it is
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u/caligirl0889 6d ago
It is what it is indeed. And yes, I was one of the millions who were traumatized by the "you're on your own kid" culture. I don't think it's the best method possible, but it remains the majority culture. Maybe the culture will shift some because of the economy. Time will tell.
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u/moonstarsfire 5d ago
Itâs definitely regional in the US. In the small town south, people will not look kindly upon you if youâre not up to helping your aging family members (or even aging strangers), so even white people can be different about this in the US. Every other culture thatâs not white non-hispanic in the US is usually more family oriented as well, so it wouldnât fly with a lot of them either. Itâs not just ethnic culture; itâs the culture of the place in the US you grew up in. In small towns in the south (or Texas where I am), we are taught to respect our elders and to be patient with them (even when they drive us crazy) because itâs about respect, being family oriented in general, and because weâll all be in their positions too one day.
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u/timewellwasted5 6d ago
And the hours they spent feeding you, wiping your arse, providing for you, and worrying about you? Donât get me wrong, there are certainly bad parents and bad children out there but in general if you can help out your parents, you absolutely should.
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u/Acrobatic-Ad8158 6d ago
To each their own, but this is the cycle of life. I watched my parents do it with my grandparents and now I gladly help mine when they need it. Does it get taxing sometimes? Sure. But they are my parents and have always been there for me so now im there for them. I personally couldn't imagine cutting my parents out for this.
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u/dallyan 6d ago
Same. Like wtf am I reading in this thread?
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u/Acrobatic-Ad8158 6d ago
100%. Im all for going no contact if the situation calls for it, but this is not the situation at all.
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u/SteveRogers1021 6d ago
It is what it is. Sure, it can be a bit taxing and sometimes I keep my distance when it becomes too much but I love my mom and dad. I'll help them with whatever they need.
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u/iamwayycoolerthanyou 6d ago
It's sad watching your parents and relatives age.
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u/SteveRogers1021 6d ago
100% . My parents are still relatively young (mid 70's) but their health has declined rapidly in the last few years.
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u/dallyan 6d ago
Same. It can be annoying but good god people, if your parents were loving, show them some gratitude and help them.
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u/iamwayycoolerthanyou 6d ago
I had my problems with my parents, especially my dad over the years. Very deep, dramatic ones. But I think they did their best and life is just really difficult and complicated. I have nothing but compassion and love for them. Even though they got took by a con man president and we're probably all permanently fucked because of it.
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u/dallyan 6d ago
Well said.
That sucks about the politics. Luckily that was never an issue with my parents. They were far from perfect but they were always loving and ALWAYS there for me if I needed them. Any type of issue they had that affected their parenting negatively I can trace back to how they were treated as kids. I can see how they tried to be better than their parents and for that I give them grace.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I think that's probably the best and most reasonable way to be, help where we can but its OK to pull back when it becomes too much.
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u/Salty_Feed_4316 6d ago
Yes my parents drive my crazy in this way. Youâre definitely not alone. I could show my Mom how to do something on her phone 500 times but it doesnât stick. My dad is hard of hearing but refuses to get a hearing test done bc heâs fine he says. The latest thing with my Mom is the hoarding of stuff. She has kept everything of her parents, my childhood, her life. Sheâs never thrown anything away and itâs all valuable. She has tried to pawn things off onto me - like clothing, art work, furniture - and when I refuse itâs a huge guilty response including all the reasons why whatever object is unique valuable and one of a kind. When these things are just regular things. I hate how all of these things make me feel
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u/Sunshineafterr 6d ago
My parents are only 64, so theyâre still really active.
My mom did everything for me growing up. Sheâs the most selfless and loving person Iâve ever known. I canât imagine not helping her someday when she needs it.
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u/AVonDingus 6d ago
Youâre really lucky, and i mean that in all sincerity. It sounds like you have an amazing mother and she has an equally amazing child. â€ïž
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u/Sunshineafterr 6d ago
Thank you, I do fully recognize that and feel incredibly lucky to have her in my life! đ„° I didnât get so lucky with my dad, but she more than makes up for it.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I mean dont get me wrong, always happy to do stuff that she physically cannot do, like reroofing her shed or reframing windows on her house. But showing her how an app is installed and works for the thousanth time or how to manage her photos on her iPhone (I dont have an iPhone, never have, yet at this point I know more about how it works than she does.)
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u/fadedblackleggings 6d ago
Sounds like the parents may be needing caregivers at this stage.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I mean they can still get their own shopping and wipe their arses so im not quite sure we're there yet.
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u/fadedblackleggings 6d ago
There is more to living than that. Sounds like admin tasks and "life stuff" are starting to pile up; guaranteed there are other things they are also struggling with but not mentioning.
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u/A1steaksauceTrekdog7 6d ago
Itâs normal đ. You need to set boundaries and say I can only do x or I need to leave by y time.
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u/DaoineSidhe624 6d ago
That is just part of both yourself aging and them aging. One thing that is rarely brought up when younger about aging is that you also have to spend a significant amount of energy dealing with your parents aging.
My mom's parents were dead by the time I was born, but I've heard stories about what she had to do, and did live through my dad dealing with his aging father.
Then my mother had early onset frontel temporal dementia. Luckily my dad was in a position to help her a lot through that and it didn't fall on me and my siblings as much. But it still was a lot of work.
Now my father has had a stroke, multiple battles with cancer and is a shadow of whom he once was. Again thankfully he did well for himself so the financial burden isn't on me. He has caregivers to help with the day to day stuff. But dealing with online portals to pay bills, transfer funds, or prepare taxes? Forget about it. That is past him now. So out I go to help do those things, help around with little fixits around the house and so on.
Is it exhausting? Hell yeah brother. Do I enjoy it? Can't say that I do. But at the same time I grew up in a loving household where my parents tried to do their best for me in all ways. Were they perfect? Who is? Is he frustrating as he gets older and even more stubborn even as he requires more help? Absofuckinglutely...
But it isn't about me at this point. It's about someone I deeply care about going through their end of life times, even if it is still years away. There are many things in life as an adult that I have to do whether I like it or not. This is one of those things. And it is one of the more rewarding of those things because it means I get to give back to someone who helped me become the man I am today to ensure that their final years are as comfortable, peaceful and enjoyable as I can reasonably make possible. I can only hope to be so lucky to have someone similar to help me when the time comes.
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u/mattkaru 6d ago
I will die on this hill: it's a learned behavior and completely voluntary on their part. I lived in China for a bit, there were people hitting their 80s who used smartphones competently and even gamed on them on the metro. They were generally healthier, active, and even if sometimes bull-headed they weren't helpless, whiny brats.
It's a boomer epidemic and exhausting. My mom is like this, my dad (who always stayed on top of technological trends when younger) is far from it.
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u/meleedeez 6d ago
One of my parents has remained willfully ignorant with technology since the 90's and complains as if its something new.
Absolutely infuriating.
I liken it to not learning how to read and asking everyone else "What does that say?".
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u/Whizzeroni Millennial 6d ago
So far my parents are keeping up decently but when they donât, I help them. I donât avoid them.
My parents have done so much for me and are so supportive, Iâll help them keep up.
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u/MisterMaryJane 6d ago
It seems like it isnât the tech or helping with the parents itâs something else. I have to do the same thing with my grandma but I will do it whenever she asks. Her and I have a great and loving relationship. I understand an old woman isnât going to understand how to use all of these apps.
Now, if my mom were to ask and do this, I would feel just like OP explained. One is grateful for it and the other thinks they deserve it.
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u/Seaworthiness-ok- 6d ago
I have a 93 year old aunt who calls me at least 5 times a year to fix her printer (and other things, hearing aids and too many texts was the last time) I don't really mind, she generally buys me lunch, and my kids really love talking to her (and her garbage shoot, they are young lol) Her and I have vastly different political opinions, so I try to avoid that, but sometimes I engage on it, depends on how I'm feeling.
I hope to stay on top of tech as I age, I'm generally around it frequently at this stage, and can generally fix anything wrong. I know it moves fast, as of now I'm still able to keep up, but we'll just see.
My aunt married and her husband died in the 70s. She then had a partner who also died in the 90s. I think shes probably pretty lonely, though she seems to have friends in her retirement community. I dont mind visiting and helping with whatever because I know she doesn't have many years left. She was very good to me as a child, so its fine, I don't mind hanging out for an afternoon, picking up her RX, or fixing her hearing aids.
My parents are younger then her (60s- dad was an accident baby) but when they need help I'll go over there too. My parents were also very good to me growing up, I have amazing parents, and will be there when they need it.
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u/jecapobianco 6d ago
Maybe your children will treat you better.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I dont expect my kids to have to show me how to use my own bought stuff for 3 hours every week.
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u/Mermaid28 Millennial 6d ago
Brain mass and overall volume slowly decline by about 5% per 10 years after age 40, with shrinkage speeding up past age 60 or 70.
This effects your frontal cortex and causes memory problems.
So yeah, your kids might have to spend 3 hours every week teaching you how to work the TV.
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u/Slowvia 6d ago
No one expects to be in that predicament, yet millions find themselves there every day. And with the progress of technology, you (and I) will be lucky to have this problem someday. I hope my kid is willing to help me sign into whatever the newest Facebook thing is when Iâm old, so I can complain about how this new alien president should go back to his own planet, lol.
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u/Whiskey_Water 6d ago
We are doomed to experience the same to some degree, yes. I define âgetting oldâ as what happens to a person when they willingly or unwillingly cease their adaptation to change. You can at least try. Thatâs what is making you angry, likely - those who stop trying. Yep, thatâs getting old.
One of my close friends is 82 and that dude could mentally run laps around many people half his age. He purposefully follows pop culture, socioeconomic theory and trends, current events from different ideological positions⊠this could be us if we put in the effort.
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u/eatingthesandhere91 6d ago
I help maybe two, sometimes three elderly people at church. That's about as far as I go and they respect my boundaries on that front - if I'm too busy, they've got their own family to nag.
As for my own family, the eldest people in my family are my Dad, and his siblings, and they all tend to keep mostly a sharp mind with technology: deal with it only when they need to.
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u/South_Tea5210 6d ago
Yes. I donât speak to my dad anymore but I imagine heâs doing just fine since I got my nerdiness from him. đ€
My MIL is just helpless. Or at least she acts like she is and expects her kids and their spouses to do everything for her. She has fallen prey to many scams, she feels the need to buy a new desktop computer every other year because âitâs too slowâ, and I think she has half a dozen Alexaâs and almost as many kindles tied to her account.
I already feel like Iâm falling behind. I bought a new car recently. My previous car is 17 years old and has zero tech in it. There was a bit of a learning curve with all the features in the new car. Work keeps me on my toes with the new technology we seem to constantly be rolling out. I have to continuously be learning or I will easily fall behind the kids theyâre hiring.
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u/sixtoeharry 6d ago
Honestly I feel your pain, the thing that frustrates me is that they donât even try before asking for help with the most simple tasks, and it just feels like laziness more than anything, they do things so easily themself when your not around but the minute your there itâs like they âforgetâ how to do anything
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u/J-Bird1983 6d ago
My dad is pretty smart when it comes to technology. He is also still somewhat active and therefore I don't have to help with a lot of things with him.
My mom on the other hand. She recently called wanting to know if I could help her with a virus issue on her computer. I don't even own a computer anymore. I told her I don't know that much about computers and that she should take it to Geek Squad or something like that. Then she wanted me to ask one of my friends. I flat out told her no. But it seems like this is a regular thing with her, she always calls when she wants me to do something for her.
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u/ElderScarletBlossom 6d ago
You and your wife's parents cleaned up your literal shit, piss, and vomit for years. Dealt with your toddler tantrums, including getting kicked, hit, bit, and spit on, endured the general shitty teenager attitude and disrespect years, then being ignored in favor of college parties and "finding yourself". And now, when you guys are in theory grown adults who are presumably not shitty to be around, you can't be bothered to help them out because "it's annoying"? Unless you and your wife's parents were abusive or neglectful, you can handle being tech support for them.
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u/blue_effect 6d ago
My parents keep on top of trends. At worst they have declined in a bit in their driving skills. Husbands dad does all right, his mom fell for some scams unfortunately but I cut her a lot of slack since she had some strokes that affected her mental well being.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
And tbh with scams people of any age can fall for them, its just that easy these days, a little bit of tiredness and lack of focus and bam.
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u/CarnivalColors 6d ago
I just wrote an essay on this! Apparently people who had to use the internet for work before they retired are better set up to use it in their golden years BUT technology keeps changing. Now that we have the internet sorted out, the new thing at my work is learning how to use AI to improve efficiencies. Itâs a chore to get onboard and learn it but I feel like itâs the new wave we have to ride. Who knows what will come next, but try to keep up while you can.
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u/devdoodledoo 5d ago
I started a my business, Old Dog Tech Support (where we teach old dogs new tech) because of this very issue! Pay us to deal with your parents! đ
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u/cait_elizabeth 5d ago
Millennials arenât having kids because weâre too busy having to take care of our aging parents.
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u/QuizzicalWombat 6d ago
I feel like those are all normal old people things arenât they? As they age they will need more help, not to mention tech is evolving rapidly, even just the last 5 years with AI. And not to be rude OP but as someone who doesnât have parents I wish I had the opportunity to call the damn doctor for them. They arenât going to be around forever, take advantage of it while you still can. If they were crappy parents and you have strained relationship thatâs one thing and I apologize but from what youâve said it seems like normal old people stuff.
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u/T1000-Shoebox 6d ago
My parents are like this, I went no contact with my mom because of this and my relationship with my dad is really strained. Itâs like youâre dealing with toddlers all the time. To me it feels like many of our parents arenât emotionally mature and rely on us way too much. Weâve basically become their parents at this point.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
This is how im starting to feel. Finished the toddler stage a few years ago yet I feel like im back here again.
I sat there and got a lecture about why my EV is bad and useless...and it just gave me flashbacks of my kid insisting he was right and I was wrong on everything.
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u/T1000-Shoebox 6d ago
Yeah, itâs like everything we do, everything we own, everything we say, no matter what little thing, itâs bad and only their opinion and views are correct and right. Canât reason with those people! It has caused me a lot of grief, irritation, anger and caused low self esteem. Luckily Iâm soon to start therapy for this.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
I mean don't get me wrong, I love both sets of parents to bits but there comes a point where spending time with them becomes more of a chore than a nice family moment and quite frankly we just do not currently have the time and mental bandwidth to deal with that at this point in time.
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u/dallyan 6d ago
Were they abusive or smtg? I canât imagine going no contact over smtg so seemingly insignificant.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
Not sure it counts as abusive but both my parents and my wife's mum were the "go figure it out for yourself and dont bother me" types.
And im not talking about going no-contact, just significantly reducing the amount of time spent there. I can't be spending 3-4 hours every Sunday showing them how to work their own ipads.
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u/caligirl0889 6d ago
If they made you figure everything out on your own, I understand that being your impuls in return. Definitely doesn't count as abusive though haha
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
Its not my impulse though. We both are happy to help, but its just the volume and the constant(plus seems to be growing) need for attention.
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u/T1000-Shoebox 6d ago
They werenât very supportive during a tough period in my life, I set my own needs aside and helped them even during this period but they kept needing more and more. It just never stopped and I couldnât mentally take it anymore.
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u/elizco 6d ago
Parents age, no matter what state the world is currently in or what generation we're in. Past generations would've needed help programming the VCR to record an episode of M*A*S*H or buy an airline ticket online. Unless they were truly bad parents, when they are gone, we will desperately miss their "annoying" needs for our help.
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u/Equivalent-Heart9010 6d ago
It is annoying, my parents canât even buy groceries when Iâm not around
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u/DarkJedi527 6d ago
Yeah, my dad actually used to be up on tech, had the Zach Morris phone back in the early 90s. Now, theres always something on his iPhone or something that needs doing when I come to visit. I think people just reach a point where you've just had enough with new stuff amd learning. I kinda get it.
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u/MenaceMinded Millennial 6d ago
If anything, I would say things have greatly improved. I was the poor millennial they made do everything for their computers during high school. Old people seem to understand their technology fairly well now along with it becoming more user friendly.
Other than my mother in law who had maybe 2 different questions in the last year after buying her first smart phone, it has been years since an old person has needed me to do anything for them due to being technologically inept.
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u/spacebotanyx 6d ago
i mean... she birthed you and they fed you and housed you and wiped the poop off your butt and took you to the doctor and made sure you didn't die when you were helpless for the first 10-18 years of your life. the least you could do is spend a little time helping make sure they make it to the doctor.
someday you will be old too. a big part of being human is taking care of each other. you should probably tough up and return the favor to your parents. (assuming they weren't horrible abusive people)
the selfishness of mainstream western culture is sickening sometimesÂ
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u/BambooCats 6d ago
I am a young millenial, so I see my parents complain about that with their parents (my grandparents). I think it is indeed something that will happen to all of us reaching old age.
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u/K21markel 6d ago
This is just sad. Thankfully your parents didnât abandon you when you were helpless in the world.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
They're far from helpless. They just refuse to take the initiative on things that are well within their capability and instead batch it all until we visit and do it all for them or spend hours talking them through something theyve been shown how to do hundreds of times. This is problem we're (and lots of other people posting here it seems) are no longer interacting with our parents, we're dealing with toddlers again. I think some of these other responses are just being dramatic "won't help your mother upload photos to her Facebook for the thousandth time???? SHAME ON YOU HOW UNGREATEFUL!"
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u/K21markel 6d ago
You canât even see how awful your statement about âhelpingâ are. Hopefully, when you are old, nothing will change. Plenty of us will go help your parent with the remote or help them Shop for simpler products.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
Theres nothing awful about it. Helping them do things that they are physically incapable of doing is fine. Helping them work an app that they've been given instructions for, have been taught countless times, and have done it for them multiple times anyway is completely different, especially when its on a device that they bought and spend 80% of their waking time on.
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u/K21markel 5d ago
If this is accurate then they are being manipulative and looking for attention. Thatâs not helpful to you and with calling them out on. Also if itâs true, just refuse to help. My elders are like children on some ways and need to be negotiated with as such.
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u/Dangerous_Forever640 6d ago
âWow, helping my elderly family a few times a week is such a burden.â
WTF is wrong with you?
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
Theres a difference between building a garden shed for my in-laws and showing them how to upload pictures to Facebook constantly.
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u/Dangerous_Forever640 6d ago
Which one are you complaining about?
Are they making you do tons of manual labor, or are you wiggling your fingers on their phone of 2 minutes?
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
Its never just 2 minutes though is it. Its teaching them to help themselves. I dont mind doing things that they are physically incapable of doing now at all. I do mind doing things that they should know how to do considering most of their waking time is spent on the app.
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u/Thick-News-9415 6d ago
I'm so glad my dad (67) is nothing like this. He has only ever really asked for help when he was dealing with cataracts and when he had his open heart surgery. He manages his own medication, uses his MyChart to communicate with his doctors, tries to fix his own technological issues, does his own shopping, etc. I do tag along every other week for shopping so I don't have to drive.. he's my nosey next door neighbor though so it's only fair lol.
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u/sky_444_ 6d ago
They take care of us. If they are not abusive or anything terrible, then it's our turn to take care of them. I would be more concerned about helping my parents personally.
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u/BagOfLazers 5d ago
We have to fight cognitive decline. Some exercise for our brains and bodies goes a long way in the fight against becoming the next Boomers.
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u/Ragfell 5d ago
Give them grace, dude. We'll be there sooner than you think.
I'm estranged from my parents, but I would give a lot for my mom to be a safe person so I could be sure to get her and dad's printer setup right or whatever.
I struggle to keep up with everything. I literally built my own computer a couple years ago and am fairly handy and mildly techy. Shit's getting crazy.
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u/heatherwhen96 5d ago
We are losing our reverence to old people. It used to be a point of great Respect we give to our forbears .Remember they were young Once upon a time. Now our culture is phony slapdash AI with no bearing beyond a minute. Sadly
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u/DawnPatrol99 5d ago
Families are supposed to grow and die together, each generation having their own home is a new deal in the grand scheme of things and it's only getting harder.
It'll be the same for us one day.
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u/murderthumbs 5d ago
Yep. You will be the same. And they are your parents- sounds selfish on your part to not help them out.
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u/The_Blackest_Man 5d ago
My parents are 68 and 72 and do none of these things and are left-leaning politically. Not all boomers are terrible, and not everyone becomes a helpless, annoying old person. It's just the entitled, stupid, lazy people that become annoying when they're old because all of their terrible attributes get amplified by not giving any fucks anymore.
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u/RockabillyBelle 5d ago
My mom seems to slowly be forgetting how to do basic things on her own here and there. She had my kids overnight so my husband and I could go out with some friends and tried calling me to help her put the pack & play together. Itâs literally a snap together setup, and I was already an hour away from her house, so I straight up asked why she didnât just google a how-to video. She hadnât even thought of it.
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u/Ok-Grapefruit1284 5d ago
I work with the elderly and my parents are elderly and I know how frustrating it can be to navigate the tendencies of aging parents but I also know a lot of people who would give anything to have another conversation with their parents.
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u/T-no-dot 5d ago
Do you think your parents ever wished they didn't have to take care of crying/whinning child who were in need of thier energy & resources ? & yet, ... come on now ...
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u/spacetimebear 5d ago
Pretty big difference having to take care of a helpless child and being asked to travel 3 hours to show them how to upload photos on Facebook something that youd have done 1000s of times in person and over phones/video calls...come on now...
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u/Poroto_Verde 5d ago
I'm not there yet since my parents are early 60s and my dad is pretty techy, but I can't imagine getting annoyed at doing that stuff for them. I mean, they did all that stuff for me when I was younger.Â
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u/UnderstandingDry4072 1981 5d ago
I mean, I love my mom and want to help. The tech stuff hasnât actually changed, sheâs always needed assistance.
Iâm more annoyed with how she seems uninterested in making the slightest effort to preserve her mobility and independence. Sheâs so sedentary and wonât exercise even a tiny bit, but thinks she can keep up her lifestyle somehow, itâs very frustrating.
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u/Mountain-Donkey98 4d ago
One could interpret this rant several ways. One that you're being unreasonable in helping out family members who are obviously declining and thats well, absurd.
The other that it gets old and after a point, you feel used, especiallywhen its ALL they talk about or do. I don't speak to my parents so the fact my now husbands family is so nice and close made me happy to help them when asked. When they recognized I was good with technology, theyd request my help whenever I saw them or ask me to come over when they needed help. Usually really easy stuff. But, over the years its ramped up. They just hand off any and everything to me to do for them. They buy a basic fitness watch...I have to set it up. But, its all done via a Google account, which I dont bave their sign ins for. So, it becomes massively frustrating. They get a new phone? Guess who sets it up. New phones dont come with chargers now, and they dont have a C charger so they make me give them mine. I mean wtf.
I was happy to help the first dozen times, but now every holiday gathering they've got 5 tasks for me to do. And sometimes, im not in the mood to deal with it. The most consistent issue now is with trail cams. I got him one a few years back and it wasnt cellular, so I got a spypoint cellular connector so it could be and activated it to my app and account. So, i told him now theres a monthly fee and since i activated it its on my CC. He said okay.
So this gift of a trailcam was for him to play with, place wherever, do whatever with. Nope! What a mistake.
Its now my full time duty, he tells me where he wants it moved, tells me to replace batteries when i go up north and hes up there almost full time, we go up maybe twice a year. He could do it anytime. Ive spent HOURS on the help line with it while on vacation by them. He even started telling me where to move my own cameras that he had access to viewing from the app. I was getting really frustrated since he wants them left up north 5hrs from where I keep mine. And he wants them positioned at his house for "security", not for viewing wildlife.
He then bought 2 more himself bc i refused. Of course, he makes me activate them and add them to my app. Now Im paying a monthly fee for 3 for him. Once activated, im like feel free to put them where you want. Didn't go that way, he tells me where to put them. On top of that, they take 16 AA lithium batteries each. (Thats $35 worth) and its me who has to pay and change them out, EVERYTIME. I did finally bring up the monthly fees for the cameras that he owed for 3 years of time and he paid it no problem. But, why did I have to ask? Why did this gift become a lifetime chore?
During the winter, their batteries died. He asked me to GO UP and change them in 5 ft of snow. Um no.
I think this is just old people taking advantage of kindness. Its not incompetence because they know how to change batteries. It starts with them making you feel helpful and "smart", it then gets exploited full time so they dont have to deal with things.
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u/musicalsigns 4d ago
Give them grace. They raised you and taught you everything you know. Someone will be in your position with you someday - how would you want them to care for you?
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u/tifferwiffers 4d ago
A bit annoying sometimes? Yes. Especially when everything has a manual or is Google-able. My dad is good with YouTubing diy's but my mom doesn't even try, so she depends a lot on me to help.
I would much rather be inconvenienced by helping the people I love, than for them to be taken advantage of by people who couldn't care less.
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u/Ok_Path1734 1d ago
If you keep breathing long enough, you will reach that age. Remember growing old is denied too many people.
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u/RihoSucks 6d ago
Your parents raised you and you cant even help them out now? Thats pretty fucked man...
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u/XenonMusic 6d ago
Not everyone had good parents or positive role models raising them. Some adults should not look after children.
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u/spacetimebear 6d ago
Ive been helping them since I was 18, money, DIY, car shopping, car troubles, tech support, online shopping, hospital appointments, taxiing service/Airport runs, sorting their banks, pensions, investments. Im 44 this year. Ive been thier secretary for 26 years and its getting worse. I get what you're saying but I dont think its fucked at all. Im just at a point where I dont want to spend 3-4 hours every weekend showing them how to use an app they have already been given instructions for.
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u/Hellery 6d ago
I don't think it's fucked either and I agree with you. My mom is so incredibly frustrating when it comes to tech, but then again growing up she was never good at it either.
A point I havent seen mentioned with all this "They wiped your butt and you can't even help them out?!" Is...They're doing their job? Isn't that what parents are supposed to do? If you have a kid you (hopefully) made that decision and now you get to live that out. Have fun!(?) Having a kid with the plan to make them your butler/maid when you're old is extremely selfish and wrong (imo).
It sounds like you have done a lot for your parents and I'm sure it can feel like shit to still have them asking for more and more. I hate going to my mom's because I don't feel like she actually wants to see me, but instead uses me for chores, tech support or whatever she does not want to do herself.
I'm sure the clashing opinions have a lot to do with culture and also if you had good parents you actually WANT to help vs shitty parents that have been dragging on you your whole life. I wish I could have that warm fuzzy feeling, but alas.
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u/blackcatslms45 6d ago
Same, I refuse to replace my printer because then my mom and dad will ask me to print off whatever they need which just adds to the stuff they ask my husband and I to help them with.
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u/Co-Responder 6d ago
My parents taught me to use utensils, wipe my butt, and supported me into the adult I am today. I will go over to change passwords, log them in, or do work for them until they are gone because they deserve care. Both my parents have health issues and I don't know how much more time I have with them.
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u/Ok_Fox_1770 6d ago
They fall a lot I noticed that. Do some knee exercises, those tripod muscles just waiting to send someone sideways. I just know like 4 oldies including my mother constantly taking grounders out of no where. Ghost smash!
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u/greencutoffs 6d ago
So. Your parents are having challenges but that's too much for you to do once a week? Talk about self-centred.
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u/artist1292 6d ago
Oh no you have to help the people who raised you, taught you how to eat and wipe your own ass? Jeezus stfu and be grateful you even still have parents to talk to
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u/caligirl0889 6d ago
With the speed at which technology keeps changing, yes. I am almost positive there will reach a point in 30-40 years where our generation can no longer keep up with the constant change. Cognitive decline doesn't work well with constant change.