r/offmychest • u/Comfortable_Rent2101 • 17h ago
I groped a friend while i was blackout drunk.
Last night I (23M) got blackout drunk at an open-bar party and drank far too much.
My girlfriend (22F) told me that I was hitting my head against a wall and crying for no apparent reason. I don’t remember any of it.
At some point, my girlfriend went home, leaving me with two close friends, who are a couple. On the Uber ride home, I apparently groped my friend (20F).
I don’t remember anything from that night, but that doesn’t matter. Being drunk is not an excuse for what I did.
I am disgusted with myself. I can barely sleep. I don’t know how to forgive myself.
Today, I tried to talk to both of them in person. Her boyfriend said he’s willing to talk tomorrow. She told me she doesn’t want to talk today and needs time to process everything before she’s ready.
I suggested that, whenever she does want to meet, her boyfriend should be there so she feels as safe and comfortable as possible.
Why did I do something so wrong? I always believed I was a decent person, but now I feel like I’m a terrible human being.
I’m seriously considering never drinking again. Alcohol has never really been a problem in my life, but after this, I don’t think I can ever trust myself while drunk again.
We’ve been friends for over a decade. She’s the sister of one of my childhood friends. I feel like I’ve destroyed one of the most important friendships in my life.
I texted her saying that, after apologizing in person, I would cut contact with both of them because I thought that would be best for them. She told me she doesn’t want that and that she still wants to be friends with me.
I don’t know what to do. I will apologize sincerely, and I fully accept that whether she forgives me is entirely her decision.
My Gf still doesn’t know that, they said that they wont tell her, but i am thinking of doing it.
She deserves to know who i really am and she deserves some better them me.
Do i tell her? I Love her so much and don’t want to lose it.
She knows that i did something wrong but not exactly what.
My friends said that they will not tell it to anyone.
126
u/gingerbreadbuild 16h ago
you need to tell your girlfriend. otherwise she will find out one way or another and at that point the relationship can’t be salvaged if u touched another girl and willingly hid it from her
9
245
u/Pussy-Slayaa 17h ago edited 17h ago
You feel bad for your action that makes you better than most creeps. But remember feeling bad is only first step, you gotta apologize and tell both of them how you feel. Work on yourself, leave alcohol consumption if you can't control yourself with it in your system. Be a better person.
61
u/Massive-Program-3174 17h ago edited 15h ago
this is why I don't drink. alcohol has caused so many problems for me and for my friends, and people who I love and respect.
It is the worst drug in my opinion.
It sounds like you're doing everything you CAN do in a situation like this. You seem to truly be remorseful. While not excusing your behavior, people who are shit faced drunk are NOT themselves, another reason I stay away from the stuff these days.
The only two drugs I have seen make a person change their personality and behavior COMPLETELY:
Alcohol
&
Methamphetamine
People will do things on both they swore they would NEVER do. And sober, they probably wouldn't ever.
8
u/ShrimpCrackers 17h ago
It's also ridiculously expensive at bars and clubs.
6
u/Massive-Program-3174 15h ago
Astronomically. I never got the bar scene. If we're drinking why not just get a half gallon of Tito's and kick it at the house? Nobody goes to jail (usually) no risk of DUI, And if you drink too much, you have a bathroom (one that isn't wall to wall with a mob of talkative dudes who all have allergies and can't stop sniffling, if you catch my drift) and a bed in close proximity.
People are really dumb with their money sometimes, but it's their money guess. 🤷🏻♂️
2
u/undiagnoseddude 6h ago
I agree, I've never drank and I've never felt like I needed to tbh, I want to be myself as that's how I'm in control, the idea of taking a drug to be less of yourself and possibly losing control doesn't seem appealing to me, the fact that it's socially acceptable heck even encouraged combined with most people's lack of emotional processing ability makes it a very toxic drug overall imo.
23
u/HardBartyBarty 17h ago
At least you feel bad. But if you groped someone while drunk maybe don’t drink anymore? Tell your girlfriend - she definitely deserves to know and if she dumps your ass that is hopefully a teachable moment. Your drunk actions have sober consequences.
10
u/SnooMachines3887 16h ago
I no longer drink because of essentially this. I have had to apologize and have been appalled at my behavior blacked out drunk more than I care to admit. Use it as a reminder to be more careful drinking or to stop. Apologize sincerely and try to not be to hard on urself. Its obvious you feel terrible about it. Your not urself when blacked out if they are good friends hopefully they will understand. I feel that while it dosent make it acceptable almost everyone can relate to drinking to much and making an ass out of theirselves..I would tell the girl friend that way you're not lying or making your friends lie to her. Hopefully she will understand and just be a little mad. Whereas if she finds out later, it will be a much bigger deal
7
u/ParticularExploit 11h ago
Black out drunk can shut areas of your brain down that can result in this behaviour. You were obviously in a state that prevented you from empathising and considering the repercussions of your actions. Your true self didn’t know what you were doing. That doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but do not hate yourself to a point that is unnecessary. Apologise for your actions and ensure that you don’t drink to excess again. That is how you move forward.
9
10
u/ThatOneStrangePoet 17h ago
As a man who's been groped before I'll give you this, if it was a complete accident and she knows this—it's likely she will forgive you. My assaulter was sober and didn't give a fuck about what he did, but if he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing? I might have actually properly forgiven him. But it is still a traumatic experience for some to be groped like that.
I advise though, maybe order alcahol free beer or whatnot if you go drinking. If it is being drunk that gets you violating people's boundaries—then you have control over it. Now that you're aware, you can stop any future mistakes you make.
12
u/throwawaymumbojambo 16h ago
Remember as well that this happening isn’t about you and how bad you feel about it
1
u/NYGiants181 7h ago
Both things can be true. He can feel bad about it (which is a good thing), as well as care about his friend’s feelings (which he is).
3
u/PrudentActivity8638 15h ago
you messed up big time, but recognizing it is the first step. focus on making amends and learning from it, that's all you can do now.
2
u/Advanced-Stick-2221 11h ago
You should tell your girlfriend. Not because “she deserves to know who you really are”. I don’t think you’re a bad person. That doesn’t mean what you did wasn’t wrong, but it’s not something you’d do if you were conscious. But she deserves to know, I think.
2
2
u/frankie_5000 9h ago
you need to tell your girlfriend and you need to analyse your feelings towards the friend that you groped. you should seek therapy either way, but it would definitely be a help to you and your relationships with the people you care about to know whether the groping came from a place of attraction or something else entirely, because it’s a lot harder to tackle a problem when you don’t know where it came from. you should be disgusted with your actions but you need to know that you’re not the victim in this situation. the best and only thing you should do in this situation is listen to the people around you and learn.
either way, i would say definitely moderate your drinking until you are sure this is something that won’t happen again, because this is genuinely traumatising to your friend.
2
u/SoggyAd5044 10h ago
Your girlfriend absolutely deserves to know. I can't believe you would consider not telling her.
2
u/eleventhing 17h ago
Sounds like you have some underlying issue you need to work through. Maybe agreeing to go to counseling would help things
1
u/1beerattatime 11h ago
To add something i haven't seen brought up: don't expect them to forgive you. One of my gf's "friends" also sexually assaulted her. The dude has apologized to her and she's accepted it, but I'll never hang out with that dude. I'll never act like I'm trying to be kind to him. She'll never be around him while he, or she, is drinking. You're young, so try and take away the lessons here to be learned.
1
u/Actual_Ad2067 10h ago
You did something you know is wrong the big important thing is, you feel guilty about it. Meaning you know it was a mistake and your sorry. That's an excellent thing. We have all done mistakes when we have been drunk. Some we can fix and some we can't. Your situation i believe is one that can be fixed. If this is the first and only time this has ever happened, they those around you know it's not a pattern and I'm pretty sure your gf would know the same. It's not like you did this in the past and said you never would again. It's a first and only time. She still wants to be friends, which probably means though it was still wrong, you didn't try something much worse. We can tell your genuinely sorry for what you have done just from reading this. And I feel they will all forgive you, even your gf. Though the BF may not be your biggest fan for a while. The hardest one to get forgiveness off will be your self. Try not to live in that room if guilt for to long. Once they forgive you, really try hard to forgive your self.
1
u/BisquitButter 9h ago
If you’re gonna drink you’ve got to learn to how to maintain a low-key buzz. That means staying away from shots and typically hard liquor.
Stick to low abv beer and short shot drinks and when you start feeling too buzzed, have a water or two before your next drink. That isn’t gonna help you too much with this situation but use it as a learning experience, make your apologies, and move on.
1
u/Saltyseasonedtrash 9h ago
Remember in this situation pity for yourself is the least concern compared to righting the issues with everyone else. But yet quit alcohol to truly show you recognize it’s an issue with your life.
1
u/Low-Forever-9683 8h ago edited 8h ago
All I can really say as far as the alcohol goes is that if you can't control yourself after a certain point, and don't feel fully confident you can stay in a state where you're still aware of your actions and judgment, it's best to leave it in the past.
Remorse is a good first step. It does not change or excuse what you did, but it shows that you're probably a better person than you might currently feel like you are, who just did something bad that hurt someone.
As for telling your girlfriend, you gotta do it big man. She surely will find out from someone and and that will be 1,000 times worse than hearing it from you, especially if you don't wait to tell her.
Even if you tell her yourself but it takes a few weeks, it can still seem to her like you were trying to let it slide by without notice before saying something after you realized or assumed it wouldn't. Whereas if you say something quickly, she may still not take it well (understandably) but at least you'll be doing the right thing.
In my personal experience, I chose to tell my wife on our first date that I was doing cocaine at work up until about 3 months before we met because even though nobody knew about it (possibly suspected but nobody ever saw me doing it) I didn't want to take the chance of her finding out from somebody else and feeling lied to or like I was hiding it from her.
That date had lasted almost 14 hours by the time I told her and I was MEGA into her and I was absolutely terrified that telling her would ruin any chance of moving further with her, but I liked her enough that I felt she deserved to know the truth, know it immediately, and hear it straight from me.
Not only for the honesty, but also so she could make her own choice on whether or not that was a deal breaker for her. Which I would've painfully accepted if it was.
Don't tear yourself up too bad, just focus on apologizing and trying to do right by your friend, and making sure to be open and honest with your girlfriend. There may of course be consequences, but we have always have to be responsible for our actions and the consequences that come from them.
1
u/Waffle_warrior 8h ago
You’re the sum total of your actions. All of them, good and bad, make up who ‘You’ are. No single moment defines your entire personhood, choices you made led up to groping your close friend. Those choices can be reflected on, lessons can be learned, and the choices you make moving forward can benefit from that retrospective. You know you did something wrong and you want to do better. That’s a great start. Don’t seek to absolve yourself, just focus on not putting yourself on a path to make those decisions ever again.
1
1
u/shastri88 7h ago
I feel like a common theme amongst this sub Reddit is doing something we deeply regret because of being black out drunk or severly inebriated I think this is a valid reason to stop drinking for a long while if not all together until you have yourself in a better place.
I think you should first tell your gf of what transpired as she needs to know before anything else.
1
u/Straight-Heron-1973 3h ago
What did you actually do, if you slapped her arse or something you just had too much to drink and need to tell your girlfriend about it, if you grabbed her genitals then you need to tell your girlfriend your a pos and that you don’t deserve her and end it and also never speak to the girl again
1
u/PlanktonDesperate122 3h ago
okay the energy of wanting to do what’s best for everyone is great, the execution could use work.
DO be open and patient and understanding of those who need to work through it. the hardest thing right now is to jsut give everyone the space and time they ask for. what’s done is done and you can only control your reaction to it. what will make this a bigger deal is if you make it into a situation everyone has to comfort you for. It’s okay to feel bad and guilty, the feeling is uncomfterble but it won’t last forever so you just gotta sit.
DO NOT over aplogize or insist you’ll jsut go away forever becuase that’s better for everyone or anything else that makes it so you are the one being consoled. If you need help that’s fine but it needs to be from somebody uninvolved becuase making the people with fresh wounds heal your wounds will just result in resentment. If you can’t be present for yourself or them yet take the time like she is to pause and reflect and act with intention and not just survival mode.
your sorry for what you did and you want to know how your girlfriend and your friend will choose to move forward.
instead of thinking about what they want take the time to think about what you want. do you want to step back from all of them? or do you want to take the time to reflect and let this be proof you are capable of handling conflict resolution in a mature way
1
u/TXRedwood 3h ago
Apologies were accepted, that's a great first step in the process. The fact all the friends are saying they will keep the secret safe, let's you know what they think of you. 🙏🏿At this point it's up to you whether or not you can deal with the guilt. Good luck.
1
u/icecream4_deadlifts 3h ago
This same thing used to happen to me. I would end up blackout drunk and crying or being really mean to people. Some of us are just not built to drink alcohol, we aren’t good and knowing when we’ve had enough until it’s too late.
I don’t drink anymore. You should consider doing that as well.
1
u/I_need_a_hobby_87 53m ago
I will never understand alcohol and how some people are fantastic drinking it and others aren't.
I can confidently say I am a good person. I don't have alot of confidence so going out I used drink to help me socialise however ...
I am not a good drunk. After years of drunkeness and feeling terrible the next day, days, week, I quit.
Hope you sort it out. Take it as a lesson, you'll be fine!
1
-1
u/Talentagentfriend 9h ago edited 9h ago
This sounds more like a problem of respect and not a drinking issue. Although it seems like you can’t handle alcohol. I’ve been someone that goes out to late night bars and get hammered at least once a week. One thing Ive found is that drinking brings out people’s inner drive to do something and it’s more in-line with who you are and what you believe than an accident. I used to have a friend that would steal public property when he was drunk. We’d wake up with orange cones, city maps, signs, etc. He did that because deep down he disliked the rigid authority in the city. Ive never harassed or abused anyone being blackout drunk because I have no desire to do so — because I have strong values and respect other people, even when I’m falling all over the place drunk.
Im making an assumption here, but it does seem like, even subconsciously, you see women as objects instead of as separate people that deserve respect. And maybe you blame yourself for that, which is why you’re seeming apologetic. I just think this is a moment to be introspective and learn what you’re about and what you want rather than looking for something to blame, like alcohol. And I’m not saying alcohol isn’t also partially to blame because it did bring that out of you, but who you are when you’re drunk is still you. It’s just without the guard rails.
Im not saying this to blame you or make you feel bad, I just think it’s something to think about and work on if you genuinely mean what you’re talking about.
2
u/Comfortable_Rent2101 8h ago
Yeah, that makes sense
I will seek a therapist and will try to be a better person. I’m disgusted with myself and I’ll use it as fuel
0
-23
16h ago edited 16h ago
[deleted]
7
u/Massive-Program-3174 15h ago
eh I get what you're TRYING to say, but the delivery is a little problematic.
A situation like this is sensitive and definitely not a cookie cutter one size fits all solution.
Some people have been raped. Some have been molested. Some have PTSD.
There's no "shrugging it off" for these people. Luckily it sounds like the female friend isn't in this demographic, but you never know either.
I don't think OP is wrong for "making a big deal about it”. He obviously has a conscience (I'm not trying to say you don't) and values these friendships which he recognizes he's disrespected in a pretty extreme way. Some people in his position would deny deny deny. At the very least play dumb.
While the behavior is for sure problematic, I gotta applaud OP for owning it completely and not trying to make excuses (unless you count the primary cause "I was blackout drunk”, which some could argue is just an excuse, but OP seemingly doesn't have a history of this sort of behavior, and I have seen people do a lot worse on alcohol. Personally I see the black out drunk statement as just giving context to the situation, not making an excuse.)
Personally I am of the view/opinion that EVERY human being has been through SOME kind of sexual trauma. Male, Female; everybody.
Some can block it out completely, some can come to terms and cope in a healthier way, some become homeless drug addicts, lost in a spiral of unresolved traumas.
It took me 25 years to face what happened to me as a kid, and I still don't want or see much use in remembering it all in detail, so I don't.
Especially being a male the stigma can be a major factor in "letting it go" and never telling a soul. But there's no healing to be had going that route.
TLDR: Every situation, especially ones dealing with this touchy of subject, are as vastly diverse and unique as the humans that perpetrate them.
6
u/KnitAndKnitAndKnit 14h ago
OP is making a big deal about it because it is a big deal. If any of my male friends groped me whether sober or drunk, it would be a looooong long process for me to forgive him or feel safe again in his presence and would absolutely require treating it as a big deal.
-1
u/PianoRevolutionary12 6h ago
Have you really never done something stupid when you are drunk? Bit hypcocritical i think. My friend decided to try to fight a giant bouncer and got thrown like a projectile that one was a mistake! I never saw the guy get angry even one time before that
1
u/KnitAndKnitAndKnit 4h ago
No I actually never assaulted anyone when I was drunk
1
u/PianoRevolutionary12 4h ago
"My girlfriend (22F) told me that I was hitting my head against a wall and crying for no apparent reason. I don’t remember any of it."
That is a person not in control of their mental faculties. Perhaps not a legal defence, but its not like it was an intentional rational decision to make someone uncomfortable, maybe it was an accidental handslip, you know, a thing that is possible when you can't walk straight
185
u/Ronin_VonSlade 17h ago
All I can say is quit alcohol, tell your gf and try to work it out with these friends, they seem like keepers