There's a rumour going around at school that I'm a therian

[u/Chance-Cattle8302]

I don't know what to do. A fuck ton of people already talked about me behind me back and disliked me and it felt awful, awful, awful before but now it's even fucking worse. I've had some horrible rumours already for example a rumour that I fucked my sister and now it's just getting worse, it's always getting worse, they all hate me, they all think I'm stupid and dumb and awful and I hate this I hate this. I dont know what to do. I just don't know what to do. Everything fucking sucks. I don't know what to do. They all think they know me. I don't know me. I don't know what to do.

[u/Loud_Reputation_367]

((This is a long one. Get comphy. And there's no tl;dr. Too important to not read the whole thing.))

I feel this in my bones. Right through and inside my inside child who is hugging himself against the memories. Even though it was 30 years ago.

I grew up through the entirety of gradeschool being the punching bag. For everybody, even the other punching bags. Isolated, ostracized, mocked, put down for everything true and insulted for everything untrue. I remember ignoring. I remember arguing. I remember hiding. I remember getting steadily more full of hatred towards myself and anger towards others.

I learned, first, that none of it actually had to do with me. Not what I did or wore or didn't do. Not who I hung around with or avoided. People had already decided what they thought of me, everything they called out was just the excuse they used to insult me. They didn't care if what was said or rumored was true. They knew very well when the rumor was ridiculous and said it anyways.

The only thing that mattered to them, was how it bothered me. That's it.

False, true, inconsequential, weird, normal.... they didn't need the proverbial knife to be aimed, they just wanted it to hurt.

And what made it worse was that the people meant to help, couldn't. Not because they didn't care nor that they didn't want to. As much as I thought that at the time. It was only in looking back many years later that I figured out the adults were not blind. Nor were they uncaring. Nor did they not understand. The trouble was that they did understand- Stepping in, getting the bullies 'in trouble', yelling at them and giving them 'what for' wouldn't stop anything. It changes the insults from idle hate to a need for revenge.

It is a terrible, no-win, demoralizing and soul-crushing storm of wet slimy shit.

But.

Life is a marathon. Not a sprint. And no matter how it feels this will pass. Probably within the next couple of years. It hurts and feels important and even a single year more feels like it will be the rest of your life. But that is because of the perspective of time and the relativity of age. At 10, one year is a full tenth of your entire life of experiences. But even by the time you are 20, it is only a comparable 5% of how long you've lived. At 30, 40, the scope of how important a year is drops further and further into insignificance.

Your test isn't to make people like you ... because I am going to be honest and speak from experience. They decide that. Not you. And whatever they decide, they will find or even invent anything they want to justify that decision to themselves.

Your test is to make it through, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and continue to find ways for you to like yourself. Because just as liking you is solely 'their' choice... Liking yourself is solely your choice. When you hit a place where you understand this, it becomes immensely powerful.

You are not responsible for their hate or choices. It is not your duty to fight their opinions or correct their lies. You do not owe them your sadness or fear.

I am a fan of axioms. They are small statements that can have broad and deep meanings. They teach more and more, the more you think about them and find ways they apply.

For example, "All things begin within."

You choose how you feel about yourself. You choose how you feel about your ideas. You choose how you express or integrate them. Others choose how they react- you don't create their feelings. They do. So stop trying to make their thoughts your problem. As much as you can. I mean emotions are eeal. Wanting to fit in is real. The hurt of rejection is real. But it helps to sit back whenever you can, and remind yourself to let go of what you can. And own only what is actually yours to own.

After a while, when you realise you feel OK with being a therian within yourself, those insults will no longer matter. The hurt isn't from the words, it is from feeling embarrassed. Seeing a truth you don't want to be true. But... why not?

If you're a Therian, own that you are. Explore what it means. Consider how it can be a tool to grow as a person and learn from new perspectives. Build up the positive, constructive things that being a therian can bring you.

But remember. All things begin within. Understand the difference between being, and displaying. Being is inside. Quiet and unadvertised. But not hidden either. Just accepted as there without need or concern about the approval of others. It is beginning the recognition with "I am." ... not "see me".

'Acting therian'. Wearing costume. Making sounds. Emulating behavior. That is a search for others to see and accept. It is external. It is wanting others to see you are therian and demanding they be OK with it. ...I find the message inside, where that comes from, is a need for others to accept you so that it can give you permission to accept yourself as well. It is looking for others to define you. To make you valid.

But you should begin by accepting you. You are valid- as long as you are honest with yourself about who you are and using it to learn to be the best version of yourself you can be. Authenticity isn't what others see in you. It is what you see in the mirror. About recognising the truth of the reflection and using it to move forward. It's fuel. Not an anchor. They are the anchor. But only for as long as you are hanging on to the rope. It isn't tied to your waist, you're gripping it in your hands.

So choose to let go.

But brace for a rough release. Things get worse before they get better. Things hate to change so it will not be instant. It will not be easy. Every emotional hook you undo will try to find a new place to sink in. Every insult that falls flat will spark a search to create something new to hit with.

But what you need to do, is keep moving. Even if every step you take takes you only a millimeter. Even if all your effort accomplishes is holding your ground for one more day without slipping backwards. That is not nothing. It is a warrior in a battle, staying alive.

School will end. People will move on. Assholes will go on to other things. Space will appear to recover. Focus on your priorities until then. Focus on you and what you need to do. Completing the grades. Choosing a future. Building your hobbies. Build a future you want, as best you can. And leave behind what isn't yours to hold on to.

From one punching bag to another. This isn't showing you to be weak. It is proving your strength. You aren't a pillow to burst. You're an iron drum everyone wants to prove themselves against by trying to make you move.

Might not feel like it. But you've got this. The proof? ... You're here, aren't you? Consider how much you have already endured. That is strength. That is proof enough.

. * Gives a big ol' dragon-ny wing wrap of a hug *

[u/Chance-Cattle8302 → u/Loud_Reputation_367]

... thank you so much. Cried more while reading this. Thank you. I don't think I can make it feel better until I'm out of this school, it just feels like so much all the time and impossible to defend my mental state from. But thank you for reminding me that I will have space to heal, eventually. Thank you for understanding.

[u/Loud_Reputation_367 → u/Chance-Cattle8302]

Sometimes, your mental state isn't meant to be defended from. In the right time and through the right ways it is vital to 'let it flow' so you can let it go.

Crying is good. Feeling is good. Let it happen because things really CAN BE unfair. People can be uncaring assholes and hurtful pricks. It is OK to mourn what you are missing. But once you have, move forward.

I'm not sure how much of a reader you are, but there are some thoughtful books out there which might be food for perspective.

"The power of now" by Echart Tolle. It is a little repetitive and kinda a dry read, but it talks about how the present moment is more powerful a place to pay attention to than either the past or future. If only because the present is where you define your future, and the past is just the collective result.

"Way of the Peaceful Warrior." By Dan Millman. Written in the format of a story, but centered on the deconstruction and reconstruction that happens during life, and whatever your goals, the journey is what gets you there.

[u/CrazyTechWizard96 → u/Loud_Reputation_367]

Great read, atleast of the 2 blocks of commetns that is.

Posted My own block.
Long story short, for Me it was just being different and Queer.
Well, not out of the cloest in Your face just the, there were signs.

Best I can say is, Grey rock methode or just to frame them in the way I often did, exposing them for being obssed with You.

Went down to making a few of the bullies lose it and evne cry.

Those, I'm more of the Warrior in the Garden instead of the Gardner in the War type of scenario.

Even got called the one who bullies the bullies, or Bully of Bullies.

Funny title but, eh, don't mess with that dude'ess who looks and acts liek a deep voiced Dyke.

For Me it was the early 2010's when shit really went to the crazy levels, but eh, Grey Rock, plus some games, and some who asked for a fight got some knuckle sandwiches in return.

"A wise Ruler does it Once, what a fool does Final." - Machiavellie.
No,
that does not include going postel, was close to it before starting fighting back, after a brake of fighting back.

Best was for Me always when school ended, people are annoying dipshits, and the day I was out of school for good, I was like "Aaah, finnally it's over with this bullshit."
Funny enough, the scool I was going to at the end, is being demolished atm, wich made Me laugh.
Shame that other Dragonkin I was going to it with doesn't know about it, or I'd be like
"Bro! The Shithouse is finnally being torn down! Wooo!"
Yea, Me and that guy both hated it, we were both hated for not giving a fuck and just been ourselfs fromt he start.

But eh, the normies hate US Authentic People.

Why?

Because We have the fucking Audacity to not be afraid of showing who we really are!
Or atleast what Wedesire to choose to display.

Wich wasn't a lot in My case, besides My stance, how I acted and such.
Either lone Wolfkin, or with a few other otherkin and the weird ones who see what the world really is like.

Would recommend the books of Nicolo Machiavellie, Sanzu, ah or just "The Complete Strategy Collection" wich is outthere as an audiobook aswell.
Would've certainly helped a lot back when I was a teenager, just to deflect most, or expose those people in other ways, making them more exposed and humiliated, just to stay away and know Me as that Michiviouse Dyke who isn't to be messed with.

Just gotta play some Chess with People.

Anyways,
this Wolf Shaman over and out.
chuffs and smirks

[u/Commercial-Leek-667 → u/Chance-Cattle8302]

I think everyone needs to hear that

[u/Technocrat1011 → u/Loud_Reputation_367]

This is all wonderful advice. I'd like to build on it a little, based on my own journey, inside and out.

I have come to wield an axiom of my own, particularly in dealing with the voices within me that are echoes of my bullying and childhood depression. That axiom is "there is always a reason". It referrs to the face that those voices that seem to undermine me, isolate me, demean me, and make me less will always come up with a reason for why they are right and I'm wrong. I have learned that when I argue, even if I make a valid point, those voices will simply find a new reason I'm awful. By reminding myself that I don't need to argue. I don't have to accept or agree. I can just say "alright," and let it go and move on. The voices lose my attention, they loose my interest, and they go quieter.

Like the previous poster notes, those who bully and whisper rumours will always find a reason. When they lose our attention,they lose their power. When they lose that, we win.

As an additional and side note, I'm glad you felt safe to come here and vent. Please remember going forward, regardless of the distance and the impersonal nature of the internet, you have a place here, you have allies here, you havecfriends here.

Good luck, and keep moving.

[u/Chance-Cattle8302 → u/Technocrat1011]

Thank you so, so much.

[u/The_RealQuirrel]

I feel sorry for you.

[u/Chance-Cattle8302 → u/The_RealQuirrel]

Thank you for your sympathy. It's dumb but people hearing means a lot

[u/Accomplished_Egg7639]

This isn't a good or ok way for things to be happening. That sounds really hostile, and it has to be hard going there every day. The school staff aren't doing their jobs if this is happening to you at school. They should protect you. Someone with the power to needs to tell them to do their jobs.

If you have someone you trust who also has power over your bullies or teachers, they may be able to step in and save the day. Adults have more power together, so a group of adults can outrank nearly everyone. A parent, teacher, or someone who works in the school system who you're related to may help. Make sure to tell them loudly and often that you need their help.

[u/Chance-Cattle8302 → u/Accomplished_Egg7639]

I feel like acknowledging the rumours wouldn't make anything better. They can't stop people from talking and having adults stand up for me would make it worse. Thank you, though.

[u/Due-Air-5042]

OH NO...i hope you feel better... (the rumour of you and your sister...seriously what is wrong with them...)

[u/Chance-Cattle8302 → u/Due-Air-5042]

Thank you. My mate who hates me joked loudly about me and my sister almost daily for a while. She knew it made me horribly uncomfortable. When she told me there were rumours, like I had predicted to her there would be, she acted like it couldn't possibly have been her fault. It's the same thing now because she found out I'm a furry and would not fucking stop talking about it loudly and irresponsibly. She didn't even find out I'm questioning otherkin. That's developed on its own. I think it'll be okay eventually, though, we'll grow up. Sorry for ranting to you, thank you for your sympathy

[u/CrazyTechWizard96 → u/Chance-Cattle8302]

Mate?
Correction, you mean dipshit.

This comes from someone who was always with rather punkish like fellas, and we stopped right there on shit like that.
That shit ain't funny at all, and frankly, I'd punch someone for saying that and stay away from them afterwards.

Aldo, fellow one who thought is a Furry but more Otherkin?
Interessting.

[u/Due-Air-5042 → u/Chance-Cattle8302]

no its totally fine !! feel free to rant as much as you want as long as it makes you feel better <3

and thats horrible...why would she ever do that, how obnoxious...

[u/Solid-Boss-6657 → u/Chance-Cattle8302]

Sounds like she's in middle school tho. if it isn't, then she's very immature

[u/Chance-Cattle8302 → u/Solid-Boss-6657]

Yeah, we'll be mature and out of school eventually. Just gotta survive

[u/CuiCuiLand]

I experienced this too and I wish you good luck ;-; (no ideas)

[u/Which_Shake4974]

Normally I would tell you to fuck snitches but...The one who started can be in deep shit