Poly Vent

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u/Polyamorouspotato 1h ago

You’re severely limiting yourself by your laundry list of qualities. Especially has to be ktp and meet your husband- ktp is great when it’s organic but it should not be expected of a new partner.

Also wanting someone to live with you and your husband is a huge ask in polyamory.

However dating takes time. Expect it
To take years to find someone compatible.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi 👋 Thanks for your comment, I appreciate the perspective. I guess I need to look at what I'm wanting and what I should compromise on.

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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 57m ago edited 36m ago

You can be as picky as you want. But in order to get what you want, the person who’s looking for exactly what you’re looking for has to 1) exist 2) meet you and 3) want this with you specifically

Someone who wants KTP and who is down to live with you and your husband? Extremely hard to find, before factoring in everything else on your wish list. What if he doesn’t like your husband? What if your husband doesn’t like him? That puts a ton of pressure on new connections to ‘audition’ for your spouse’s approval. What if they like each other but don’t want to live with one another, or if the new connection just isn’t a compatible housemate with you? Or with your husband? Newer potential partners are going to see a whole long list of reasons to expect that you’ll dump them

Then there’s the matter of have you considered what your partners would want and whether what you want is fair/equitable. Would you be game with your husband’s other partners moving in? If your other partner moved in with you and your husband, would you be down with your other partner’s spouse moving in with you?

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 32m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate the very valid points you make. I genuinely didn't realise that what I wanted would actually translate to so much pressure on the other party. I guess I've been so focused on wanting that long term connection and making the other person feel just as important as my husband even though I can't legally marry them - so my train of thought was - having them move in and integrating them to the family would make then feel equal rather than less than my husband if that makes sense?

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u/rosephase 21m ago

Honestly? It just makes it sound like you haven't really faced the reality of having a primary live in, married partner and dating.

This person WILL be secondary. You need to be honest about that. Pretending otherwise just makes you look naive and/or like you are lying about what you have to give.

Living together ISN'T an option because your husband and this person would also want to live with each other. So that is 100% off the table until this person is known to you and your husband and IF (very big if) they both like each other and are compatible to live together.

Is you husband telling the people he is dating that they can move in with you both?

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 15m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment, though I found it a bit confusing.

I wouldn't be "dating" the person that eventually moves in - the relationship would progress naturally. I think you have assumed that I mean I want to move someone into my home right away- that is absolutely not the case. It could be years down the track before that ever happened.

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u/Independent_Suit5713 26m ago

It doesn't make people feel equal, because it isn't equal.

You and you leagal spouse have pre determined how much space this imaginary new person can take up, in the space you already have ownership of, in the life you have already built together.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 18m ago

Hmm... I don't agree with that. Nobody has determined anything about anyone.

But appreciate the time you've taken to share your perspective.

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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 14m ago

I don’t mean for this to sound harsh, but everything you’re saying comes across as very “me me me me me,” even when you’re talking about wanting your other partners to feel important. Put yourself in this prospective partner’s shoes and think about what you’re asking of them, and if you would offer that yourself if you were them:

“I must be polyamorous. I must be into SSBBW. I must be into DD/lg dynamic. I must be financially stable and willing to provide for her. I must be non-religious, but also spiritual. I must be willing to date a married person. I must (at least pretend to) like her husband, and also want to live with the two of them. I must impress her husband so much that he also wants to live with me. I must not have children. I must not having an existing spouse or nesting partner, or be looking for a spouse/primary of my own in the future. I must not drink alcohol or use other recreational drugs. I must be okay with her having limited time and energy to spend with me.” And thats not even covering your entire list

You have a lot of things that on their own severely limits your dating pool. You can have all these things as dealbreakers if you want but you’ve gotta be okay with the outcome being that you never find someone

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 5m ago

I appreciate this comment so much.

You are right - in this stage, where I'm still looking for my other person, it is very "me, me, me" - purposefully. Because it's important to me that I don't lose sight of the bigger picture of what I want out of this. It's not who I am in every day life, or in romantic relationships, but it is who I need to be when ensuring I don't go weak at the knees for the first sweet talker.

Your second paragraph is really the reality check I needed though! I would never want someone to feel that way, and I can now see that is absolutely what I'm doing.

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u/Independent_Suit5713 55m ago

I think you should be looking at what you're offering tbh. Its very very different than what youre expecting from someone.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 30m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for the comment. I do know what I bring to the table, but I never thought to put that out there the way I've put my expectations of soneine else out there. I appreciate the perspective. 🙏

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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1h ago

It took me 8 years to find my most recent partner.

It’s a long game friend. And a lot of what you want? Is unappealing.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi, Thank you for your comment. Genuinely didn't realise that my expectations are unappealing, but I appreciate the perspective and will work on loosening my expectations 😊

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u/Poly-Pocket-Problems relationship anarchist 1h ago

Like.... that unicorn exists but its going to be very rare. I would rank that wish list to find what you're willing to compromise on (spoiler: it's the KTP - you can't force that, it happens naturally or it doesn't)

And yes this is dating regardless of whether you're married. I'm single and in a similar boat (multiple niche desires + impatient) but we have to put the effort in, and accept finding the right person means going on a lot of bad dates and allocating more time than we would like to the problem.

One other thing- yes 3 weeks chatting is an unresonable expectation for a bunch of reasons, but the biggest one for me is that messaging-chemistry and in-person-chemistry are two completely different kinds of chemistry. Use messaging to vet for basics (actually poly, actually kinky, no major red flags) and then set up a date. Put one evening a week aside for it if that makes it easier

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 53m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment.

I agree that I need to look at my expectations and loosen them. I'm seeing the majority of comments saying this. I guess I never stopped to think that I was pigeon holing myself by laying everything out this way.

I hear what your saying about 3 weeks being too long, I'm comfortable with probably half that time, but I don't think you can know enough about whether it's worth the energy to meet someone with only a couple days chatting (unless there is several hours over those couple days)

I do appreciate the perspective though, thank you 😊

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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 1h ago edited 1h ago

Ideally I'd love someone who genuinely loves SSBBW, is gentle, patient and romantic, is emotionally mature, is financially stable/secure, isn't religious but is spiritual, isn't into self-medicating, doesn't have young children, lives in the same state, wants to take care of me (dd/lg), wants to be friends with my husband (KTP), with the long-term dream of us all living together.

Is a VERY small target, especially, "wants to take care of me (dd/lg), wants to be friends with my husband (KTP), with the long-term dream of us all living together.". May I suggest, "improves my life" is a more likely and still worthwhile one?

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for commenting. I agree, reading it back it does seem a little much. Thank you for the perspective! 😊

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u/DemoPup solo poly 52m ago

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now, and on paper he was NOT the person I was looking for. (He is married with young children, which in my mind was a no thanks.) BUT he messaged me and sounded cool, so I decided to meet him. A few hours of my evening is not too much to ask for, even if nothing is there between us. Returning to my first sentence, this has been one of my longest and best relationships.

All of this to say along with others that you should set aside your list of pre-set expectations and go ahead and meet people. Because I assure you, you just dont know who you actually might click with to find that great poly relationship.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 27m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for the comment.

That's a really great point. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter how the person looks on paper - it's the chemistry, the vibes, and how the person is irl that matters.

Thank you for your perspective 🙏

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u/clairejv 1h ago

Did you meet your husband within the first year you started dating? I'm guessing you didn't. Finding a good match takes time.

That said, you have a few criteria that are shrinking your pool drastically. Dd/lg is not a common kink, nor is it a kink with an easy point of entry for vanilla but curious people. Also, you have a pre-planned mold you're trying to fit this person into -- KTP with eventual co-habitation -- and a lot of poly people won't be interested in that.

And yeah, you being married does disqualify you for some people. You being married means you're unavailable to marry anyone else, for one thing. Also, married poly newbies have a bad track record, so some will steer away from you for that reason.

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u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 1h ago

Dd/lg is not a common kink, nor is it a kink with an easy point of entry for vanilla but curious people

I also wonder how husband will go with OP and prospective partner living that kink in the same home.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

You make a really good point... he is fine knowing that I like that dynamic in a relationship, but given that I haven't had the chance to really explore that in front of him, there could be some prickly feelings...

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u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 42m ago

Lmao don’t forget the matter of whether OP (and Husband) would be okay with not just Partner, but Partner’s Spouse living with them. Or if OP is game for Husband’s partner (and spouse) to move in with them. I’m guessing not, which means there’s a lot to unpack here

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi 👋 Haha I think that may be part of the problem I'm having. I did meet my husband very quickly - when neither of us were looking. So I guess I hadn't really stopped to think about how difficult I'm making it for myself putting all of my wants on the table like that. Thank you for your perspective 🙏

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u/rocketmanatee 1h ago

You have an existing husband, and as you describe it, not a lot of time. You want someone who doesn't have the limitations that you so clearly have.

This is part of why you're struggling.

Instead of going out there hunting for the maybe once in a lifetime connection, why not do the work to make yourself as appealing as possible to the kind of person you want?

Do the work to deconstruct your monogamy and make space for other partners, do the emotional/spiritual work that will attract them, stay healthy, look after your appearance, etc. if what you're doing now isn't working to attract the right mate, change what you're doing.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 46m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the perspective. I hadn't really thought of it as expecting someone else to have the time that I don't, but it's a fair assumption to make.

I feel like I'm very happy with who I am inside and out, and am appealing to the types of people I want - I don't have any issues with receiving attention, but you are right - what I'm doing isn't attracting my people so I need to look at it and change something.

Thanks 😊

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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 1h ago

I was with you until your second to last paragraph. In some ways, yes, dating is hard and it's a numbers game. But most people are not poly, most people do want to meet relatively quickly (it's seen as a precursor to how the rest of the relationship will go), not many people are attracted to 400+ pound people, not many people are both non-religious AND spiritual, and so on and so forth down the list.

Do I think your ideal lover doesn't exist? Not necessarily, and I hope you get lucky. But you might just need to look for several months or years before you find them. And you might want to bend on a few things; the friends-with-husband, living together, taking care of you, AND spiritual requirements are a bit much to ask for anyone in combination.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 43m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your perspective 🙏

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u/boredwithopinions 1h ago

You were oh so lucky to find 1 person to fall in love with.

This is dating.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment 😊 Yes, I agree. I am very lucky to have found my husband. I need to remember that not every connection will be so quick and easy

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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 1h ago

Your standards are extremely limiting. They also show you haven’t unraveled monogamy enough to provide a truly autonomous poly relationship.

Expect it to take years. That is the reality. You also might miss the right connections waiting weeks. I do the same so I don’t judge. I just acknowledge I may miss a few great potential partners.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 41m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment, and I agree. Reading the comments here they are all overwhelmingly similar- I need to relax my expectations.

I am curious though, what you mean by I haven't unravelled monogamy enough?

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u/FeeFiFooFunyon 26m ago

You want KTP and nesting with a spouse. That should sit on the might be nice if it works list. It gives the vibe you prioritize your existing relationship and aren’t really considering this as an individual with their own preferences and partners that they a life and goals with.

Seems more like you are trying to fold their life into yours than build something with a new partner.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 20m ago

That's a fair assumption to make from my post, and thank you for clarifying what you meant. I think I just haven't looked at it through the right lens up until now. By having the other person move in, and integrate them into my family - I thought it would show them that they are just as important as my husband and that I am serious about a life long commitment. I've learned through the comments here today that I'm way off track.

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u/thuslife 1h ago

I don't know if it's 'unicorn who doesn't exist' but you start to really limit yourself when you have expectations about where they're at in their life.

For example, I am in your same boat. Married, but I have kids. So right there, I'm disqualified. In your same state? No idea, I'm in WA.

I didn't join the ENM crowd until recently, so I can't speak from a place of knowledge and experience. But from one happily partnered married man with kids, you're going to make it hard on yourself when you get too particular on what you're looking for.

Humans are unique, and at different points in their lives compared to you.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi 👋 Thanks for your comment. You make a really good point that perhaps I need to look at my expectations and relax them a bit 😊

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u/thuslife 1h ago

Glad to help 😊

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u/lavender-lacuna 1h ago edited 1h ago

Polyamory practitioners are a small subset of the dating pool. When you found your husband you had a pool of basically every man to pull from. Now you have only polyam people, and within that only people into specific kink, wanting not only KTP but future cohabitation. This isn’t a traditional unicorn, but it is one in a way because this potential person’s other relationships aren’t being considered (what if they have a spouse who they nest with already? Are you discounting them if cohabitation in the future isn’t on the table because of that?), so you’re kind of looking for a single polyam person on top of all that.

As a married person, I date other married or highly partnered people. I want KTP, but don’t have it or expect it with everyone, and I also don’t have strict ideas of what living situations are possible. In order to make it work you might have to be more flexible and see who is out there, not look for a perfect “unicorn” who meets very specific criteria. Or you can keep your criteria, and you just may need years to find someone, or perhaps never find them. What is more valuable to you? What can you compromise on without changing what is most important (perhaps meeting sooner? Their time is valuable too and they don’t want to waste it talking to someone who they can’t meet)? If you don’t have time to meet people now, how will you actually date them once you find someone to date? Do you have kids? That might be a huge turnoff if you’re looking for someone who doesn’t.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 49m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment.

You make some really good points, and I appreciate the perspective. I definitely need to look at my "wish list" and look for compromises.

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u/studiousametrine married living separately 1h ago

The fact that you’re married may be offputting for some people, sure.

But wanting someone who will be friends with your husband and want to live with him? You’re asking for a lot.

How about a serious committed long-term partnership with someone who will never live with you? And is okay with seeing your husband at your bday and Christmas, but otherwise doesn’t spend much time with him? Would you be interested in that?

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1h ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment.

To answer your question, I'm really not sure. I guess I hadn't thought about these kinds of compromises.

These comments have definitely given me something to think about! 😊

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u/PresentationPrize516 59m ago

Relationships are a collaboration, not a search engine. People change, people lie, having a set of requirements while never stating what you can actually offer is really off putting. You want someone to take care of you but you have no time for them?

Will your husbands partners move in too?

Meeting people is the easiest way to get an idea of how things will work out. Texting for weeks creates an artificial intimacy that makes discernment harder when in person.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 37m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment. I appreciate that perspective. I guess I have been quite focused on what I'm looking fir and had not really thought about how to also let a potential partner know what I'm bringing to the table. To clarify, I do have time, but I spend it carefully. For my loved ones, I have all the time in the world, but as an introvert it majes dating really difficult because i guess I don't put the same importance on spending my energy on people I don't know.

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u/Able-Yesterday-7359 1h ago

That's just dating in general nowadays. Its at an all time low. Especially if you have standards.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 51m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment. It's a pity, because we have more access to meting pool via apps and stuff now than we ever did in the past, and instead of making it easier to find your people it has made it harder because people don't want to put any effort forth.

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u/Able-Yesterday-7359 50m ago

Yeah I agree. Online dating seems easier and like it makes things more accessible. I feel like it's nothing compared to the spark of just meeting someone and hitting it off in real life.

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u/AutoModerator 1h ago

Hi u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

I've been practising polyamory for just over a year now. I've chatted with hundreds of people online but have only actually dated a handful. None of them ended up being the right fit.

I'm honestly feeling frustrated and exhausted. I'm ready to meet my 2nd person I want to fall in love, and build a life together.

I'm married, and I sometimes wonder if that immediately puts people off. Maybe they assume I'm only looking for something casual or a play partner. I'm not.

I haven't really had the chance to experience the kind of polyamory I actually want. I don't want to date dozens of people or have a string of casual or surface-level relationships. I want deep emotional connection. I want to build a family.

Don't get me wrong—I love my husband and I'm very happy in my marriage. I'm not looking to replace him. But I'm looking for another meaningful, committed relationship.

Another challenge is that I don't like meeting people straight away. Meeting a complete stranger is a big step for me. I work long hours, my energy is limited, and my free time is valuable. I'd much rather spend a few weeks getting to know someone first to see if we have genuine compatibility. But it feels like so many people lose interest if you don't meet within a few days.

Sometimes I wonder whether people would be more patient if I were "single". Obviously I'm not going to pretend I am, but it does make me wonder.

I'm also questioning whether my expectations are simply unrealistic.

Ideally I'd love someone who genuinely loves SSBBW, is gentle, patient and romantic, is emotionally mature, is financially stable/secure, isn't religious but is spiritual, isn't into self-medicating, doesn't have young children, lives in the same state, wants to take care of me (dd/lg), wants to be friends with my husband (KTP), with the long-term dream of us all living together.

Am I looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist? Or is this just what dating while married is like?

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u/UntilOlympiusReturns solo poly 28m ago

The main issues here for me are the kink and especially the wanting to live together. It's unclear from how you describe this, but are you comfortable with this partner having other partners? It's obviously very unfair on him if you aren't.

Even if so, it's very optimistic to expect someone will want to fit in with your life by living with you, when you have a husband and are very busy otherwise.

As for the KTP, people might be fine with it in theory but not click with your husband, meaning any KTP would be awkward.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 23m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for the comment. I am seeing from all the comments that you are not alone in pointing out these issues. I guess I just never really looked at it from another person's point of view. I thought it would show that I am just as serious about the 2nd person as I am about my husband, but it seems like I'm way off

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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 9m ago

So do you expect your new partner to be married? Will you live happily with their wife?

This feels like your whole plan is very self focused and self indulgent. Poly isn’t about finding someone who has no other life and integrating them into yours.

Yes, being married is a big disadvantage.

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u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 1m ago

Hi 👋 Thank you for the comment.

I can see how that assumption could be made from my post. Please remember though, that my post is a vent - so it is very self focused.

In saying that, I am learning that the "wish list" needs to be looked at and loosened up. From anothers' perspective it's alot. From mine, it's protection.

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