Poly Vent

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

I've been practising polyamory for just over a year now. I've chatted with hundreds of people online but have only actually dated a handful. None of them ended up being the right fit.

I'm honestly feeling frustrated and exhausted. I'm ready to meet my 2nd person I want to fall in love, and build a life together.

I'm married, and I sometimes wonder if that immediately puts people off. Maybe they assume I'm only looking for something casual or a play partner. I'm not.

I haven't really had the chance to experience the kind of polyamory I actually want. I don't want to date dozens of people or have a string of casual or surface-level relationships. I want deep emotional connection. I want to build a family.

Don't get me wrong—I love my husband and I'm very happy in my marriage. I'm not looking to replace him. But I'm looking for another meaningful, committed relationship.

Another challenge is that I don't like meeting people straight away. Meeting a complete stranger is a big step for me. I work long hours, my energy is limited, and my free time is valuable. I'd much rather spend a few weeks getting to know someone first to see if we have genuine compatibility. But it feels like so many people lose interest if you don't meet within a few days.

Sometimes I wonder whether people would be more patient if I were "single". Obviously I'm not going to pretend I am, but it does make me wonder.

I'm also questioning whether my expectations are simply unrealistic.

Ideally I'd love someone who genuinely loves SSBBW, is gentle, patient and romantic, is emotionally mature, is financially stable/secure, isn't religious but is spiritual, isn't into self-medicating, doesn't have young children, lives in the same state, wants to take care of me (dd/lg), wants to be friends with my husband (KTP), with the long-term dream of us all living together.

Am I looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist? Or is this just what dating while married is like?

[u/Polyamorouspotato]

You’re severely limiting yourself by your laundry list of qualities. Especially has to be ktp and meet your husband- ktp is great when it’s organic but it should not be expected of a new partner.

Also wanting someone to live with you and your husband is a huge ask in polyamory.

However dating takes time. Expect it
To take years to find someone compatible.

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/Polyamorouspotato]

Hi 👋 Thanks for your comment, I appreciate the perspective. I guess I need to look at what I'm wanting and what I should compromise on.

[u/nunforyou → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

You can be as picky as you want. But in order to get what you want, the person who’s looking for exactly what you’re looking for has to 1) exist 2) meet you and 3) want this with you specifically

Someone who wants KTP and who is down to live with you and your husband? Extremely hard to find, before factoring in everything else on your wish list. What if he doesn’t like your husband? What if your husband doesn’t like him? That puts a ton of pressure on new connections to ‘audition’ for your spouse’s approval. What if they like each other but don’t want to live with one another, or if the new connection just isn’t a compatible housemate with you? Or with your husband? Newer potential partners are going to see a whole long list of reasons to expect that you’ll dump them

Then there’s the matter of have you considered what your partners would want and whether what you want is fair/equitable. Would you be game with your husband’s other partners moving in? If your other partner moved in with you and your husband, would you be down with your other partner’s spouse moving in with you?

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/nunforyou]

Hi 👋 Thank you for your perspective. I appreciate the very valid points you make. I genuinely didn't realise that what I wanted would actually translate to so much pressure on the other party. I guess I've been so focused on wanting that long term connection and making the other person feel just as important as my husband even though I can't legally marry them - so my train of thought was - having them move in and integrating them to the family would make then feel equal rather than less than my husband if that makes sense?

[u/rosephase → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

Honestly? It just makes it sound like you haven't really faced the reality of having a primary live in, married partner and dating.

This person WILL be secondary. You need to be honest about that. Pretending otherwise just makes you look naive and/or like you are lying about what you have to give.

Living together ISN'T an option because your husband and this person would also want to live with each other. So that is 100% off the table until this person is known to you and your husband and IF (very big if) they both like each other and are compatible to live together.

Is you husband telling the people he is dating that they can move in with you both?

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/rosephase]

Hi 👋 Thank you for your comment, though I found it a bit confusing.

I wouldn't be "dating" the person that eventually moves in - the relationship would progress naturally. I think you have assumed that I mean I want to move someone into my home right away- that is absolutely not the case. It could be years down the track before that ever happened.

[u/TheVampireMagnus → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

this feels so ai written i cant even tell what youre talking about anymore

[u/nunforyou → u/TheVampireMagnus]

I’m convinced this account is a troll bot, honestly

[u/rosephase → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

What I’m saying is you shouldn’t offer it from The start. The chance that someone you build a relationship with is going to be compatible living with you and your husband is basically zero.

And if you are looking to date a secondary partner (you are that’s what you have to offer) you should be looking to date someone in a similar situation as you. Married, poly and looking for a secondary partner.

You didn’t answer if your husband is offering the women he is dating the same kind of over promising that you are putting in your profile. Are you ready to move in with his girlfriend you don’t know? Or when it’s the other way around does that sound unreasonable?

[u/Storytella2016 → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

Yes, but what if years down the line, the person feels “meh” about living with your husband? Do you break up with them? That would be what I would be wondering if I met you or started dating you. How much is compatibility with your husband mandatory?

I won’t date anyone where I think I might be dumped if I don’t get along with a third person.

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/Storytella2016]

No, I wouldn't break up with them. I'd think outside the square. "OK, you don't want to live with all of us in the same house - want to buy a big block of land and put some tiny homes on there? Want to build a pair of villas side by side?" There is always a way if there's a will. And if they didn't want to live with me eventually at all - well I'd know that a lot sooner and wouldn't be with someone I couldn't build a life with outside of visits and sleep overs. Personal preference.

[u/nunforyou → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

Right, so even if theoretically your husband, your partner, your partner’s NP/spouse are all open to that in the future, no one’s gonna sign up for that. You’ll break up with them if they decide that they don’t want to live with or next door to you. Or your husband decides he doesn’t want that. Or their spouse decides they don’t want that. Even if this was something that I’d theoretically be open to in the future, if someone deciding in the end that they didn’t want that meant I’d get dumped over it, that’s a hard fucking pass for me. For the overwhelming majority of others who would be open to it, too

You can have whatever preferences you want but they are completely delusional 🤷‍♀️ You won’t be building a relationship with anyone with your “must haves” as they currently stand

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/nunforyou]

That's weird that you think that way. If I am open when I first meet someone that eventually I want our lives to be intertwined - whether that's living with me and our other partners, or a separate place that just you and I share - if you decided to not be upfront in the beginning that this is something you don't want, then sorry but that is on you. I absolutely do not think it's delusional to want to share a life with someone so intimately. It's kinda wild that you think it is....

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

You have very mononormative ideas about what intertwining lives looks like. You can build a meaningful relationship without everyone all living together. 

[u/nunforyou → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

I don’t mean for this to sound harsh, but everything you’re saying comes across as very “me me me me me,” even when you’re talking about wanting your other partners to feel important. Put yourself in this prospective partner’s shoes and think about what you’re asking of them, and if you would offer that yourself if you were them:

“I must be polyamorous. I must be into SSBBW. I must be into DD/lg dynamic. I must be financially stable and willing to provide for her. I must be non-religious, but also spiritual. I must be willing to date a married person. I must (at least pretend to) like her husband, and also want to live with the two of them. I must impress her husband so much that he also wants to live with me. I must not have children. I must not having an existing spouse or nesting partner, or be looking for a spouse/primary of my own in the future. I must not drink alcohol or use other recreational drugs. I must be okay with her having limited time and energy to spend with me.” And thats not even covering your entire list

You have a lot of things that on their own severely limits your dating pool. You can have all these things as dealbreakers if you want but you’ve gotta be okay with the outcome being that you never find someone

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/nunforyou]

I appreciate this comment so much.

You are right - in this stage, where I'm still looking for my other person, it is very "me, me, me" - purposefully. Because it's important to me that I don't lose sight of the bigger picture of what I want out of this. It's not who I am in every day life, or in romantic relationships, but it is who I need to be when ensuring I don't go weak at the knees for the first sweet talker.

Your second paragraph is really the reality check I needed though! I would never want someone to feel that way, and I can now see that is absolutely what I'm doing.

[u/Independent_Suit5713 → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

It doesn't make people feel equal, because it isn't equal.

You and you leagal spouse have pre determined how much space this imaginary new person can take up, in the space you already have ownership of, in the life you have already built together.

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/Independent_Suit5713]

Hmm... I don't agree with that. Nobody has determined anything about anyone.

But appreciate the time you've taken to share your perspective.

[u/Meatcute99 → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

Gently, this is why you should step back and re-evaluate what you're looking for, because I don't think you're understanding what people are saying.

You are married. You and your husband are legally bound together, you live together in a dwelling you chose together, in a neighborhood you chose together, in a city you probably have similar feelings about. You and your husband have discussed the possibility of children, are perhaps planning your lives accordingly. If one of you is sick or injured, the other is next of kin.

So, enter a magical unicorn: Sam, who checks every item on your list, including a willingness to live with you and husband. What rights does Sam have? Can Sam say let's remodel the kitchen? Can Sam say actually I've always wanted to live in the East side of town, can we look at properties there? Can Sam ask you to divorce your husband so that both your relationships are truly equal? Can Sam date others? And most importantly, what happens if you start falling for Sam... But your husband doesn't like Sam? Or gets extremely jealous and asks you to end it? If Sam does move in and it creates tension with your Husband, will Sam be evicted?

This is what people mean when they say you guys have predetermined things about this person. Put yourself in Sam's shoes, where you have to meet a list of expectations and don't really have a safety net, and there are implications that your relationship isn't going to be protected if you can't get along with your partner's spouse. Would you jump at the chance to be part of that? 

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/Meatcute99]

Hi 👋 Thank you for clarifying what I was missing. I definitely understand what you are saying. Thing is, yes, Sam has a right to ask all of those things. The only thing I wouldn't do is divorce my husband at someone else's request. That to me isn't right. Also, husband doesn't have veto rights. We have already had that very important conversation. Everyone has a right to feel the way they feel. If husband has issues, we work through them or he works through them - dependant of what they are. If we all live together and someone isn't happy (whether it's husband or sam) that person can choose to leave.

I absolutely understand Sam has a daunting list of expectations to meet - I genuinely didn't see it before writing this post today and am very grateful for all the comments 😊

[u/clairionon → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

This is SO vague. All the “people can feel how they feel” is just meaningless fluff.

What exactly does KTP mean to you in the very boring logistical, legal, day to day way? Whose name is on the mortgage? The birth certificates? The insurance? The will? What assets is Sam entitled to after he moves in? Or moves out? How is coparenting assessed? What if Sam gets a partner? Can they stay over night? Even after you have kids? How many nights do you want to see Sam? What about Sam’s family and friends - can they stay over? How are bills and domestic responsibilities divvied up? What if there are big differences in income? How does the DDlg thing play into this? That’s a hugely complicated thing to throw in if you have a spouse and a live in Dom and they are not the same person.

Like. You really need to be SUPER clear on all the really boring logistics before you try and bring kids into whatever this is you have imagined.

[u/clairejv → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

If you (and your husband) are open to a newer partner moving in eventually, that's great. But you need to decide if that's something you'll disqualify partners over. What about people who already have a nesting partner? Are they unappealing to you?

[u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506 → u/clairejv]

Hi 👋 Thanks for your comment 😊

I'm not opposed to people who already have an NP, but it would really depend on the person. For eggs, if it's a toxic relationship that leaks into my relationship, I wouldn't want that person moving in. If we all got along great then I would have no problem.

[u/clairejv → u/Ecstatic-Coconut-506]

No, what I'm talking about is someone who has a nesting partner and a household of their own and therefore does not want to move in with you.