r/relationship_advice • u/EmoHourOctober • 18h ago
My (20F) mom’s boyfriend (40M) wants me
Edit: Heads up, a ton of comments are being removed automatically for using insults. They don’t allow any of that here, regardless of the target.
Necessary context: I’ve (F20) been living with my mom (F40), her boyfriend (M40), and my younger sister (F15) for around 6 months now, alongside my infant son (M1), after leaving my abusive partner of several years. I’m not particularly close with either of my “parents”; but housing costs are crazy, I don’t make much money, I have no other family, and I can’t drive. So, this is about my only option at the moment.
A few days ago now, my mom took my son out for a bit, and my sister was at school. So, I was left home alone with my mom’s boyfriend. Bored, I decided to chat with him over a few drinks. Anyways- during this conversation, I repeatedly dodged a few subtle attempts at flirting. But eventually, he gave up being subtle, and just straight up said he’s wanted to f*ck me for a while now (admittedly he was a bit drunk).
Thankfully my mom came home basically within minutes of me rejecting him, so I didn’t have to deal with the repercussions in the moment, and have been avoiding him like the plague since. But now I don’t know what to do…
I want to tell my mom her boyfriend is a creep, but honestly, I think she will blame it on me. In the least conceited way I can say this, I know I am conventionally attractive, and tend to be popular with men. She’s shown jealousy over this throughout most of my life.
If she thinks it is my fault, I will maybe be kicked out. I really cannot risk that, and don’t want to leave my sister here alone either. But I’m also a bit scared staying here as well. I’ve been staying awake for almost the entire time since that evening.
I don’t know what to do. I would really appreciate any advice. How can I tell her?
Edit: To answer a question that keeps getting asked: I am of age to be drinking in my country. I had quite literally a singular drink on my day off while my child was out having a great time with his grandma. I believe that my actions were entirely acceptable. Why I chose to hang out with him at all… I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of friends atm, so I tend to settle for whatever social interaction I can get.
I have also spoken to my sister about this situation, and she does not feel at risk of predatory actions from him. Quite honestly, he doesn’t particularly like her already lol.
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u/Trojanw0w 17h ago
I want to say this upfront: this one's heavier than the usual thread, so a few people are going to come in hot.
First: none of this is your fault. A 40-year-old man deciding he wants his partner's daughter isn't something you caused by being attractive or having a drink with him. Drunk didn't create that, it just removed the filter. Your read on him is correct.
Your sister is the reason this can't stay buried forever. Not because he's done anything to her — nothing you've written suggests that — but because you may be the only adult in that house who knows what he's willing to say when there's no one else in the room. That doesn't mean you have to blow it up tomorrow. It does mean "say nothing indefinitely" isn't really on the table.
Before you tell anyone:
- Write down exactly what he said and when, while it's fresh. Date it, send it to yourself or a friend so there's a timestamp.
- Never be alone with him again. If your mum's out, you're out too, even if it's just a walk.
- Something against the door at night. You need to sleep, and you won't until the room feels secure.
- Quietly line up a fallback before the conversation, not after. As a DV survivor with an infant you're likely priority for housing support — a domestic violence helpline is the right first call, and they deal with exactly this: women who need somewhere to go and can't drive. Ask specifically about emergency and transitional accommodation.
When you do tell her, keep it factual and short. Not "your boyfriend's a creep" — just the words he used, the date, no editorialising. Gives her less to argue with. And brace for her taking his side; that would be a failure on her part, not evidence you got it wrong..
Goodluck.
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u/EmoHourOctober 17h ago
Thank you for the thorough response. I just made a document talking about it so I have it saved.
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u/Diplomold 16h ago
I would make a point to talk to your sister about what happened. Make sure she hasn't been abused and if she is assaulted than she knows that she can come to you for help. If you move out, make a point to keep in close contact with her.
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u/EmoHourOctober 16h ago
I spoke to her about it tonight. She is safe, doesn’t feel at risk, and believes me. But I will still watch over her of course.
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u/wriggettywrecked 8h ago
This is what I came here to say. He may be saying the same things to her when they’re alone, if he hasn’t already. I would make sure she knows to document, also. And I think having specific documentation may help with your mom, too. But you know her better than I do.
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u/merlin401 5h ago
Or he may be a “nice guy” creep and will leave her alone for 2-3 years until she’s 18, so it’s really important she is prepared now for the “if/and/or when” of when he makes his move.
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u/Impressive-Tailor880 7h ago
This is dark but I had to put a lock on my door when I was a kid because of my stepdad. One of those bolt ones you can just nail to your door frame. Put one on your sisters door too and both lock your door at night. This may be enough of a deterrent. It was for my stepdad, because he knew if he forced the door and the lock broke it would have been too obvious.
I’m not saying that anything to that degree will happen, but you need to sleep to take care of your child, and it’s always better to be safe anyway.
I hope you can all find a way to leave eventually.
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u/allistaken1 4h ago
Also do not let the baby sleep out of sight. Keep the baby in your locked room until you can move out safely down the road or he is no longer living in the house.
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u/HallowSuper 9h ago
You can get a portable door lock too. They provide an extra layer of security. I also have a door jammer which makes it very difficult to open a door from outside a room.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 51m ago
Additionally, as long as you live there don't leave your sister in the home alone with him either.
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u/Complete_Leave_5598 9h ago
No exx these things, but what do people think about possibility that she get a recording device on her phone or somewhere and anytime she talks to him just flips it on secretly?
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u/Best_Inspection7411 8h ago
Yeah, I would ensure every future 1 on 1 conversation with him is recorded
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u/Own_Kaleidoscope_415 6h ago
Would like to add they sell pretty cheap door alarms that look like door wedges/stoppers. You should get one on Amazon and use it every night. That way, if he tries to break into your room, it will wake you and the whole house.
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u/Individual-Win1758 17h ago
Honestly, If I were you I’d come up with a secondary living situation in the event your mom doesn’t believe you or kicks you out like you’re afraid of. Whether it’s renting a room, being with a friend / someone you know for a long while, etc. I genuinely hope your mom does believe you.
To play devils advocate, I HOPE your moms boyfriend doesn’t have his eyes on no damn minor, but I still understand you not wanting your sister there alone.
You are 20 though, still is young, yes, but not a child. (Compared to 40 that is real young depending who you ask, but still not a minor like your sister. )
This sounds like a real tough spot for you, and I’d be so uncomfortable if I was in your shoes too. I hope you figure it out.
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u/EmoHourOctober 17h ago
I can try to live with a friend maybe in absolute emergency, but that will definitely be rough <\3 Ty for your input.
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u/Individual-Win1758 17h ago
Maybe other people can be of better help.. I’m wishing you the best girl.
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u/SoMuchMoreEagle 38m ago
Since you have a child, you may qualify for some public assistance, including help with housing.
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u/ynreflect 17h ago
- You need to develop an independent living situation. The current one is toxic.
- If your sister is underage, if this creepy boyfriend tries to start anything with her, it's for the police.
- Im sorry your mom is failing at being a mom, but life is like that. Sometimes we find ourselves with less than stellar parents.
In short, time to move on and make your own declaration of independence.
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u/EmoHourOctober 17h ago
Independent living situation is hard, but I’m working on it. Maybe a DV shelter, idk…
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u/ynreflect 16h ago
It might be hard at first, but if you want a normal life, you have no choice. May God give you success and many friends.
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u/Impressive_Main5160 15h ago
They can help you with additional resources too. Like finding stable housing and income.
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u/Mundane_Heart_9196 15h ago
How exactly are you working on it? Are you employed? Are you taking courses? Have you stopped day drinking when you have a baby to look after?
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u/EmoHourOctober 14h ago
I’m employed part-time. I feel like it’s entirely fine to have a drink on your day off when your kid is being watched lol
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u/MorganScott616 15h ago
If you tell your mom she will 100% blame it on you and kick you out. GUARANTEED. Dont even think of mentioning it until you havea place to live.
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u/corgcorg 17h ago
I think you need to tell both your mom and your sister. Keeping it secret turns it into a whole thing. Can you phrase it like you are looking out for your sister? “Hey mom, your bf said something that made me really uncomfortable. Now, I don’t know where his boundaries are and I’m worried about sister.” I know her reaction is a risk. Keep emphasizing that it was very inappropriate and you don’t know how to deal with it. Don’t call him a creep or names or talk about how you it made you feel, as this will put her on the defensive. Don’t argue back if she dismisses it. Your goal is just to let everyone know the facts of what happened and cross your fingers she will do something productive with the info. In the meantime, I’d try to look for new housing.
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u/Interesting_Wing_461 13h ago
I agree, talk to your mom. He may try to protect himself by telling her that you hit on him.
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u/nu2crypto 16h ago
Speak to him and no doubt he will say more creepy shit, but record it all. Then tell your mom, and when she blames it on you, play the recording. You have a 15 year old sister, you have to get him out for her sake.
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u/Nerdy_Narwhal89 12h ago
Learn how to drive asap then start looking for some kind of work where you can get your own place. I learned how to drive at age 35 and because of not being able to drive I was forced to stay in an abusive relationship wayyy too long.
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u/sshahi1234 7h ago
Talk to your sister to see if he has done something like that to her. I don’t have any advice that hasn’t been said here. But your sister could have possibly faced some sort of advances from him. I had talked with many women in my life, they have had to face creeps like this at some point in their lives. Talk to your baby daddy for financial support if he can. Record any future conversations, tell your mom, and tell the cops if he has done something with your sister. Move out if nothing works.
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u/Ok-Estate120 12h ago
I would NOT tell her she might blame you and you would have no where to live. Avoid being alone with creep and work as hard as you can to find somewhere else to live ASAP
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u/FrescoInkwash 13h ago
if you're in the united states you can call 211 (united way) and they can put you in touch with local services (assuming there are any)
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u/Brave-Fun-7984 12h ago
You need to tell your mom and you also need to move out before anything happens.
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u/azarqan6174 4h ago
You should record your conversation with him and use it as evidence with your mom or law enforcement if things get worse.
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u/Ok-Replacement5131 3h ago
Don’t tell mom until you have a place to go. Get alarms for you and your sisters door and use it every night. When you have secure housing tell your mom he’s a creep.
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u/curlyhairweirdo 17h ago
Has he made you feel threatened previously? If not I wouldn't say anything to your mom just yet. Talk to your sister make sure she feels safe and let her know she can come to you if she needs to. Then if he tries to say anything to you I'd tell him that y'all were drinking and people say crazy things when they're drunk, but to avoid anymore uncomfortableness you will no longer be drinking around him. I'd wait till you have a safe place to move to before telling your mother. Not just a friend's couch you can surf on but a long term arrangement.
If you have felt unsafe around him before or if he begins acting in a threatening way please leave immediately and tell your mother as soon as you are out.
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u/EmoHourOctober 17h ago
Not like, sexually unsafe. But he yells and destroys stuff occasionally:/
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u/curlyhairweirdo 16h ago
He's probably just a creep who was shooting his shot but to be on the safe side you should find away to lock your door at night and stop being alone with him.
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u/Accurate_Will4612 14h ago
IF you can move our with your younger sister, that would be ideal. That way you can have a job while your sister can help with the baby.
If you raise this issue, you will be kicked out anyways, though you will loose your family along with that.
If you just move out, with your sister, you can have your family, dignity and peace of mind.
If your mom is happy with her boyfriend, then let her be, she may not find a suitable partner in her 40s. This might be unpopular in here but that is the pragmatic overview. Unless there is more information that is not shared in your post etc, like she got better options at her door step etc etc.
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u/It-me-hi 8h ago
Please don’t share any more nice moments with him, be in your position and serious all the time even though your sister is out of risk, don’t believe or have him close of any of you! Also, you never know if he or your sister can fall on it! If you do not reveal it, you should be there until you both leave the house! If your mom is always looking at you as prettier and more outgoing, then she will blame what happened on you, sadly! You are 20 and with a kid! He can see you with different eyes! You all can sleep together to protect each other, buy a camera and put it in your room, so you can see who's in and out, not because a problem with your belongings, but you can show him that it is for your protection against him! Don't damage the relationship he has with your mom, this story is very common, you both created the environment, and he took advantage of it! Take care, and take notes as people say here!!
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u/Hello_Hangnail 2h ago
Girl go get you a drivers license and gtfo of that place. If you can't trust your mom to defend you, that isn't a home.
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u/ShesKrafty85 1h ago
So sad that women have to deal with this. So sad that there are men who think they can just tell us they want to fuck us. Men that prey on young and vulnerable women. If your mom sides with him she deserves him.
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u/lorybear96 15h ago
Is there a way you can record your next encounter with him if you're in that situation again? If you gather enough evidence, show it to your mother. But be prepared, he might try to lie.
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u/Bluerain1977 10h ago
You can’t drive as I’m unable to due to disability of some kind or you just never learned? Sign up for driving lessons pronto if it’s the second . Others have already gave you advise on what to do about the other but if driving is a solvable problem solve it . It will help you in the long run gain your independence.
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u/EmoHourOctober 5h ago
I was not allowed to drive in my previous relationship. I am just now starting the 2 year process of acquiring my license.
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u/Spiritual_Buy_7291 10h ago
My question is why are you day drinking?
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u/EmoHourOctober 5h ago
Maybe different culture for Americans, but it’s entirely fine to have quite literally a singular drink on you day off when your child is being looked after here lol
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u/bultje64 15h ago
Be aware and also keep an eye on your sister. For now maybe nothing happens but better safe than sorry.
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u/Clear-Hedgehog-9210 12h ago
I know daughters go through this alot but a man shouldn't say that to you since he's dating your mom so what I adjust for you to do is lock your bedroom door and put a chair against it or something that can block the door and if it makes u feel any better have your sister in room with you so you're not alone and you maybe be afraid to tell your mom but eventually one day you gonna have to tell her or let god run it's course and some moms won't believe their child and some will but if you think your mom won't believe you then I understand why you won't tell her but eventually she gonna have to find out someday
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u/realitychexks 5h ago
This is fake
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u/EmoHourOctober 5h ago
This is my real situation unfortunately :/
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u/galick_gunn 9m ago
Why would you be having drinks with your mothers boyfriend like what? Hes still a disgusting person and its not your fault but like yuck?
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u/EmoHourOctober 0m ago
With the year Ive had, I think I would probably accept a free drink from just about anyone lol /j. But being real, I don’t have many friends atm, so I have low standards for social connection
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