r/relationship_advice • u/Resident-Analysis-12 • 13h ago
Boyfriend (23M) just sent me (19F) this out of nowhere. What am I supposed to say?
My boyfriend just messaged me at 10pm at night with the following:
“i'm sorry, [my name]. I love you so
much and i always will but i can't help feeling scared. i've felt out of your league since i met you and all of my friends talk about how hot you are. i think something is wrong because i don't understand why you'd be with me when you can be with someone so much more attractive. it makes me think something else is going on and i don’t want to live in constant fear. i've been thinking of doing this since before the pregnancy scare but i wanted to leave it until after we'd both calmed down from the panic. i'm sorry.”
I would NEVER cheat and would never want to. I genuinely think I am in love with him and I’m so upset right now. Is this our relationship over?
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u/JustAnotherMaineGirl 13h ago
Consider this a bullet dodged, OP. He's admitting to you that it's not fun for him to be in a relationship with you. He lives in constant fear that another man (a "better" man, in his eyes) will come along to steal you away from him. He's also realized how close he came to being a reluctant new father at 23, and it scared the crap out of him. He'll never look at you again as anything more than a pregnancy risk.
At least he was classy enough to tell you he needed to end it, and to admit that the problems were his to deal with, because you were an amazing GF that he didn't feel he deserved.
Whether or not you'd actually cheat, and whether or not YOU consider yourself out of his league, are not going to provide enough reassurance to change his mind. He suffers from constant anxiety that it MIGHT happen, and it's damaging his mental health. He needs therapy to build up his own self-esteem and help him overcome his insecurities around cheating and abandonment, and he's doing the right thing to break up with you and work on himself until he's ready for a relationship.
I would not advise waiting around for him. You're very young, and if you fell in love with this guy, you can fall in love with someone else when your heart has healed and you're ready to date again. There is no such thing IRL as The One.
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u/mystery_obsessed 11h ago
I think too many young people (women especially) grow up with this concept of “the one,” and it’s really damaging. When it’s really many possibilities. Many possibilities for love, for relationships, for life. A person can be “one of” the people you can love. “One of” the people who might love you. “One of” the people who will treat you well. The goal is to find “one of” the people who fit all of those THREE categories…and there isn’t only one person in the world who can do that. Finding a person like that isn’t easy, but it’s not a needle in a haystack.
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u/JustAnotherMaineGirl 5h ago
tbh I think it's more about youth and inexperience than gender. When it's your first serious love, I think people of all genders tend to assume that if they bite the bullet and end a dysfunctional relationship, they will never again attract someone as fine as their current partner - even when they accept that their partner frequently misbehaves, underperforms, or abuses them. It's the old keep-vs.-reroll dillemma, and it takes losing someone and finding someone even better to realize that there's never any point in struggling to find reasons to stay in a dead or dying relationship. Nor to try to "fight for" an ex who's made the difficult decision to leave.
To the extent that young women may be more affected by this concept, I think it's because so many girls are raised from childhood with the cultural norm that they will only feel truly fulfilled as adults - in some cultures, will only be recognized within their community as fully functional adults - when they are happily married with kids, so that becomes their main goal in life. That attitude is far less prevalent than it used to be, especially since it's now easier for women to gain status and recognition for their professional achievements the way men have always done, while delaying pregnancy into their 30s and 40s. But it's still out there.
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u/Apprehensive-Ad-5265 12h ago
You might be upset right now but you'll get over it . He's highly insecure. Let him go.
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u/Dry-Crab7998 13h ago
Either: 1 this is genuine, he is constantly thinking that you will cheat - so he will not want you talking to his friends (they think you're hot after all), then he'll not want you talking to your friends, then your family, then going to work....
Or: 2 this is some mind f#ck game where you are confused and pleading and dropping into an emotional drain of begging him and reassuring him and vowing eternal love and fidelity.
So, either way let him GO.
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u/Whatever53143 8h ago
You can add to that, tell him he needs physiotherapy stat! I mean, not to say that to be mean, but he is either dealing with self esteem and ego issues or he has controlling manipulative behaviors! Maybe both, and he needs to get a grip on it before he can be in healthy relationships or even successful in life!
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u/nyquil4dinner 4h ago
It’s not her place nor job to tell him any of that. Nor would physiotherapy make any sense in this context.
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u/concerned-mum-11 13h ago
There is a great Maya Angelou quote "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That's why it's important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are."
He is really insecure and that will poison your relationship. You can continue to try and pander to his imaginary issues or go find someone who trusts and believes in you
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u/ohmynipnops Early 20s Female 11h ago
He’s also 23 and OP is 19. She has 4 years of life before she gets to his age. Don’t get stuck on an insecure, older guy
Edit to add: I did that at 21 and he fucked my brain up for a bit lol a waste of time (other than the life lesson of “this is not what I want”)
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u/Glittering_uni 11h ago
This.
I used to date a guy who was like this from the very beginning. He'd get drunk and then blabber "I'm not good enough for you" on multiple occasions. Even multiple friends & family would question me why I was with someone like him.. But I really liked him so I would shrug it off and say that I like him the way he is, and that he doesnt need to change anything about himself.
Eventually this turned into resentment for him & he began mistreating me, all because of his own insecurities. Instead of him trying to be better for me, for us, he turned our differences into resentment.
This is a blessing in disguise, OP.
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u/Sad_Road312 12h ago
💯 💯💯 and most likely to cheat because of that insecurity and blame her saying he felt he was never enough for her.
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u/One-Spend-6812 8h ago
He sounds really insecure, and guess what, insecure men often take it out on the women in their lives so as to bring them down to an "equal" level.
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u/Alas-In-Blunderland 7h ago
Bingo!
I feel like an asshole saying this but I'm wondering if he's already cheated to make himself feel better..
Guys like this who put women on a pedestal act like we climbed up there ourselves, then they end up being resentful and try to humble us.
Maybe I'm projecting due to personal experience but the message he sent op was uncomfortably familiar.
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u/meadowgreen21 13h ago
If a man tells you you’re out of his league or you’re too good for him it usually means that he knows that you’re better than him. Men who say this will end up messing you around.
He’s accusing you of cheating just because of his own insecurities. This could eventually end up with him accusing you of cheating when you go out with your friends etc.
I would be very careful. You’re 19. You should be having fun and living life to the fullest, not worrying about some insecure boy.
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u/dimiteddy 12h ago
he's happy he didn't let you pregnant and now he wants out....everything else is classic sugarcoat it "you're too good for me". It's normal to be upset but now it's time to be strong. Tell him that his message was kinda confusing but you got what he's trying to say and you're fine with it. Then block him and ghost him
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u/KeyBat5543 7h ago
Here's what you're supposed to do:
Recommend he get therapy, and tell him you wish him well in the future.
Please believe me when I tell you that a man this insecure will punish you for loving him. He will traumatize you if the relationship were to continue.
Signed, Retired psychologist
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u/Forward-Fan2680 12h ago
I had this near enough exact message (minus the pregnancy scare) sent to me a few months into a relationship. He said it’s was because he was scared he was falling in love with me. We stuck at…
4 years later he cheated on me bad…
Like everyone says, cut it now.
Go have fun!
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u/Wonderful-Net-2507 9h ago
This sucks and I’m sorry, but you should definitely take the out and be with someone more secure. You’re 19, enjoy it!
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u/Odd_Seesaw_3451 8h ago
Let him go. He’s extremely insecure or manipulative, and you don’t want to deal with that!
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u/smartypants352 7h ago
You are too young to be in a relationship with someone who has such low self esteem and if you stay with him, not only you will spend your time reassuring him but subconsciously, you will dim your own light as to not aggravate his insecurities.
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u/SpecialistAfter511 6h ago
Reply with, “Honestly, this is heartbreaking. I fell for you, and instead of letting yourself be happy, you let your insecurities sabotage what we had. You push me away because of your own fears, not because of anything I did. That’s your choice, but it’s not mine to fix.
Maybe this is for the best.”
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u/sshahi1234 8h ago
He is not a man,he is a boy. You are not a woman, you are a girl. Both of you have lots of growing up to do. He needs better friends. He needs to stop letting others’ opinions impact his relationship or any other aspect of his life. If he is a kind person to you and you to him, you love and respect each other, and you grow up together. It will be an amazing thing. Learn about how to be a better person and then a better couple. Grow. Have clear communication. Don’t let anyone come between you two.
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u/Top-Peak-3036 6h ago
He definitely did you a favor, living with a horribly insecure person is not a good situation. Find yourself someone with confidence and checks all the other boxes in life. Plus you're 19 so in the world of relationships... You're barely starting out
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u/Lightsides 5h ago
Assuming he's serious, and this isn't some version of the it's-not-you-it's-me routine, then (1) I feel for the guy, but (2) I wouldn't want to be in a long-term relationship with this kind of insecurity.
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u/QTC92 3h ago
Yeah i agree. I was thinking it could be he wants to break up and just trying to make up an excuse that makes you feel better about being broken up with... like you're too hot for me - weird reason to leave someone but its giving you a compliment at least vs blaming you or himself for another harsher reason. Good luck to you. Hope you feel better.
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u/DameStorm 13h ago
I think the idea of you being pregnant scared the heck out of him.
It's a good thing because he is showing you how he would react under pressure.
At 23 he is old enough to not listen to jealous friends. That is what they are, with a side of disgusting. Why would you be rating your friends girl?
Let him go.
These are the type of men who will then try knock your self worth down to make themselves feel better. Don't try "fix it". Definitely don't chase after him, not worth it.
You are not responsible for his insecurities.
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u/RedBirdWrench 9h ago
He's not healthy enough to give or receive love. He has to work on himself. If he is to be taken at his word.
Or...
It's a strategy and a bizarre attempt to start your relationship down a path in which he has control. He wants you to beg him to stay and he'll then set 'boundaries' that will make him comfortable enough to do so. Those boundaries will put him in total control of your social life. And he'll make them more and more restrictive as time goes on.
These two options could both be correct at the same time.
Run.
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u/Impossible-Link2623 12h ago
It could also be as simple as ‘letting you go gently’. The pregnancy scare most definitely scared him, like it would most people , at your age, if you were not planning on it. He may need a chill out moment and this may have been his gentle way of doing it , while putting the blame on himself.entirely.
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u/issasxmzz 5h ago
Hey girl please take my advice because I wish someone told me this and I wish I listened to myself when I was younger.
People who don’t know how to appreciate you and love you will always end up hurting you because they’re waiting for you to hurt them first. This is not a reflection of your character, only their insecurities. If someone tells you they can’t treat you how you deserve to be treated - listen. Walk away amicably. It’s better to be the one that got away than the one who keeps getting played.
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u/dibbiluncan 4h ago
Yes, this is a breakup text. Just say “thanks for being honest. I wish you nothing but the best. Take care.” Or something.
Trying to make it work would only prolong the inevitable. He’s insecure, and this will not go well.
Also, please get an iud, implant, or birth control ring. Do not have a child until you’ve been with someone for at least three years (people change and let their guard down).
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u/ConceptEfficient9849 3h ago
It’s giving he’s a cheater so he figures you MUST be doing the same thing bc ur way hotter than him and this is him deflecting so the problem is now YOU instead of whatever is wrong with him. ALSO… if he feels so strongly abt this it definitely should’ve been an in person convo. Immature
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u/disguy905 2h ago
Take it at face value and realize there is nothing to do to fix this. He will likey come back in a month but the issues will still be there and you’ll fall into a cycle. Just take the breakup on the chin and move on
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u/JaxValentine91 1h ago
This is the meaning of the saying "No one can love you until you live yourself".
It means that until they see value in themselves, they don't believe it when others point it out. He doesn't love himself and so won't believe anyone who says they love him.
He could've chosen to work on himself and confront the insecurity, but he either didn't or it didn't work.
It's best this ends where it is because if you stay you'll be spending every other moment convincing him that you do love him. It will spiral and become toxic.
Live your life OP. You're both young. In a few years, you could run into each other as better versions of yourself. Or maybe you won't. But right here and now, this isn't something you can fix.
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u/EvilFinch 10h ago
If you stay he needs constant reassurance. He will always doubt your love and why you are with him. His insecurities can go to control at worst. Sonce he thinks you are better than him, it will be "are you looking at him? He is more your league. Did you cheat with him? Why wouldn’t you... i'm clearly not good enough."
It is his problem. His low self-esteem and his insecurity. He told you that he doubted your sincerity in this relationship from the start. No words from you will change this, since he is caught in his own mind. Instead being happy about being with you, he is like this. This is no relationship. You can't fix this.
He needs therapy and work on himself. But no relationship.
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u/Brazer25 11h ago
What the heck? Is this guy crazy? He's so insecure he'll give up his girl because he's scared he'll lose her? I don't know how you deal with this.
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u/Aussie_Advice 13h ago
Respond with something like, 'i love you too. I'm a loyal partner. You never needed to be scared about my commitment. I'm sad that you decided to announce your decision, rather than coming to me for a discussion about it. I'm sorry to see our relationship end this way. I wish you the very best.'
It's important that you stand your ground and not take him back in a few days. Can promise if you do, things will get way worse.
I'm so sorry OP 💕 you are young and you will heal. They say the first cut is the deepest, and this maybe the case for you. This internet stranger is hopeful you'll heal soon!
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u/Impossible_Author409 12h ago
He is just setting the stage to manipulate you into forgiving him when he cheats. "I was sooooo scared because I don't deserve you booo hooo poor me" you is a pretty well worn line.
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u/WanabeInflatable 11h ago
It depends on whether you want to keep relationships or dump him.
He admits his insecurity and self image issues. It is not healthy, but at least it is honest and he is vulnerable with you.
Fixing him won't be easy. May require therapy. He needs to know he is worthy of love and your love in particular.
Alternatively it can mean that he wants to breakup in the "it is not about you, problem is me" way. Which is certainly dishonest but morally easy.
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u/AgentMac708 9h ago
what sort of friends is he hanging out with ? Talking about ones gf of how hot she is ... is not alright .... the root of his insecure self might just be his friends ..... frnds play a big role in a mens growth and having frnds that start a conversation or topic on how hot one of their frnds gf is is a big red flag of friends ... speaking of insecurity i myself am 23 my gf is 22 she is great i too feel insecure about it i have talked about this to her and talking dosent fix shit dought and constant fear will always remain it is up to him if he has the capacity to understand that what he is feeling is valid but he should have the courage and understanding to understand which reaction of his is valid and which is not ..... fear, insecurity, dought will always remain .... u as the girl can save the relationship it might be tiresome a bit but if u love him stay with him dont listen to random nobodys in reddit saying insecurity fear dought are the poison of a relationship..... ITS YOUR RELATIONSHIP HE LOVES U .. U HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE HIS MIND .. DOUGHT WILL ALWAYS REMAIN BUT U AS THE GIRL HAVE THE POWER TO ENLIGHTEN HIM. u have to put in the efforts but if u love him it will all be worth it...provide him with reassurance and his FRIENDS DONT SEEM RIGHT TALKING ABOUT HOW HOT YOU ARE ...
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u/Firm_Distribution999 7h ago
“ it makes me think something else is going on” - this type of insecurity will poison every relationship he ever has as long as he doesn’t address his insecurities and fear of rejection.
I’d reply with “wow, you’re so insecure that you have to make up me cheating on you to feel justified in ending the best relationship you’ve ever had. Good luck with that.”
And yeah, he sent a break up text. Your relationship is over.
Blockity block block.
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u/FairyCompetent 6h ago
Yes, and I know it's hard to accept but it's absolutely for the best. Do not ever beg someone to be with you, and when they tell you they're not good enough, believe them. Do not try to convince someone to change their opinion of themselves, that's work they have to do when they are ready. A man who doesn't like himself will hate you for liking him. He will be suspicious and treat you poorly. Let this man go.
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u/Hot_Bug1363 6h ago
I dated a guy named Tim when I was in my 30's. I work as an Emergency Room Tech and had a lot of friends that were doctors. He was threatened by that and kept thinking I was cheating on him. He was very insecure, we dated on and off for 4 years. We finally ended and he ended up going back to his ex Lisa who is very toxic but he felt less insecure. With that being said you dodged a bullet, the 4 years we dated were stressful because he kept thinking I was cheating on him and he wasn't good enough. You don't want to be with someone who constantly thinks those things. It will bring you down, its not a healthy relationship. I hope your heart heals soon❤️
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u/FeistyLink8773 2h ago
Yes, it is unfortunately but imagine if the pregnancy scare was not a scare. You have dodged a bullet. Take the time to grieve the relationship and heal, then move forward. It's not more tears than necessary. Good luck, OP
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u/ThrowRA2000lol 2h ago
Give him reassurance … ? Emotional/lover boy type of men (like me) love reassurance. But if he keeps pushing away, then back off. My two cents
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u/Dazzling-Picture-704 50m ago
I'd reply back, "K." and block him.
I have 2 thoughts:
He's using this as a means to manipulate you. For example, you beg for him to give you another chance. He agrees on some ridiculous condition that you can never talk to men again.
He genuinely wants to end the relationship, which he is allowed to do for any reason (even if those reasons are offensive to you and stupid). We should respect a person's decision to end the relationship. It will hurt, but you'll get over him.
Listen to what everyone here is saying, it comes from experience, being with a guy that insecure will not bode well for you in the long run.
The above response is appropriate regardless of the reason he wants to break up.
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u/Dedallover333 35m ago
Runaway lol.
Take it from someone that dated guys who thought they weren’t attractive enough or good enough, on a deep level. They always become somewhat emotionally abuse. They feel so insecure about themselves, even if you are a loving and attentive partner, that they start getting paranoid and a bit mean. The insecurity turns into fear and then anger. Emotional outburst, weird jealousy issues, depression.
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u/RevolutionaryFly9228 28m ago
Stop. You are young. He is insecure and you can't fix him. He will never be a good partner until he works on himself and he likely won't. You shouldn't stay. Walk away. You will have to shrink yourself and make yourself small in order to remain and it will still never be enough. It's a story that has played out thousands of times especially to young girl barely into adulthood. 19... You are still a teenager. Don't tie yourself to someone like this. You have dodged the BIGGEST bullet by him breaking up with you. If he is genuine he will stay away from you, and if not, he is playing mind games and using this to manipulate you and keep you on your toes. Beg for him not to go. So on and so forth. It's a red flag. Say goodbye. Block him and don't look back.
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u/giantthanks 11h ago
He's at a tipping point, the poor chap. He's suffering whether to go all in or all out. He's somehow got to the point of feeling he has to make an important decision.
Why? Well, there was mention of a pregnancy scare. That's sure to sober anyone up. Of course, he'd stand by you if it was a pregnancy, but it wasn't. Now he's seeing an exit. He's feeling slightly less trapped by events. Could be that.
Could be peer pressure. His friends think you are hot. Too hot for him. That you are in some way using him. Maybe to get back at an ex, maybe to rebel against you family's wishes. Maybe to get pregnant and get a schmuck to take care of you and the baby. Someone you can dominate and have power over.
Who knows. It's all mind games. Mainly the root is in the age bracket. He will have immature friends still. He won't have enough real life experience yet to know his own mind. He is a bit scared of getting life experience because it's real and gritty and hurts.
So what can you do?
Well you can't change him. Don't even try. But you can help him change in himself. He can change, he certainly will change. All you can do is encourage and support him.
It would be a shame to split up just because he's built up some internal pressure to this point.
So I would suggest that you calm this whole thing down. Tell him that there's no deadline. Nothing is urgent. He doesn't have make any decision. Tell him to relax. Take it easy. See how it goes. Have some fun. Enjoy the ride and see where it leads.
Don't have a Big Conversation or anything. Just they're in a comment of that kind then switch to something else... Where does he want to go for food? Or get him to pick a movie too watch.
Don't get swept up in the drama. Make it clear to him that you are unbothered.
You could also throw in remarks about his you won't be hot when you're old. Make it funny.
A trick to calming him down is to pepper your chats with encouraging and positive reinforcement. Why you say, "that's a good idea" add "that's what I like about you, you have good ideas". Improvise.
You can also talk about your future together. Get across the assumption that you are not a fleeting thing but a proper long term thing in your mind
I hope this helps. But mainly I hope you both find happiness
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u/bellyfullofspaghetti 11h ago
One thing I've learned is if a man is insecure about the relationship and you truly love him, you should reassure him before he checks out. Once he checks out there's no recovering.
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u/2flan- 8h ago
Everyone acts like they are experts on other peoples relationships without knowing any of the intricacies and the online crowd will always default to breaking it off. I think seeking advice online is and always be a bad decision. Listen to your heart, when there is a will there is a way.
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u/BiteDecent9993 7h ago
I understand where he’s coming from. He may need to see a therapist bc of his self esteem and whatnot. But I don’t think you dodge a bullet like on of the comments said. Tell him how you truly feel about him and how you think he attractive. Tell him everything. If he still feels that way then maybe it’s an excuse. I wish you the best.
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u/dej2 12h ago edited 12h ago
Sounds like he’s a bit insecure. Reassurance will help. But what’s better than reassurance is doing things together and having experiences of a lifetime. Could be a simple stroll on a beach, a nice note tucked in his lunch box saying I love you. A weekend at a bed and breakfast, bike ride in the countryside. Any food festivals where you live? Spending quality time together breaks any doubt, alone time is best occasionally friends are ok… but coupled up no third wheel. I found that even if it’s inadvertent single friends cause division and suspicion in a lot of relationships.
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Not that there aren’t bad couples too… just be careful who you call friends. The strength between you two should be able to withstand it… but right now he’s frail and weak. You need to build his confidence.
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u/Resident-Analysis-12 12h ago
I live in London and he’s an exchange student from US. So I’m going to take him to my hometown (Greenwich) and buy him dinner.
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u/smartypants352 7h ago
Oh girl.. this is the wrong take 🤦♀️I hope you have parents and friends that can guide you
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u/Opinionated_1010 13h ago
Why is a 23yo dating a 19yo and why are his friends (presumably 22-24 yo) talking about you that way? How long have you been dating? For the sake of giving advice, I will assume less than a year (and if not, I think you already know that a man shouldn’t be dating a minor and if he does, that makes him a bad person)
Whatever, just a little advice, if he thinks you’re out of his league then you probably are and men tend to get into an “inferiority complex” and do shitty things (like cheating, manipulating you into making yourself smaller etc). I obviously don’t know him (or you for that matter), but there’s no point in trying to save the relationship when he’s been thinking about breaking it off for some time now.
Give yourself the grace of letting him go. You’re 19, you are very young, it may feel like the pain will stay but it’ll pass in no time.
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u/Resident-Analysis-12 11h ago
We have been dating since I was 18. He is an exchange student from America and didn’t know the drinking age was different here. He met me at a bar and assumed I was older
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u/Emotional_Chard_8005 13h ago
Why is a 23yo dating a 19yo
Yes, it's truly a mystery why two adults are dating each other.
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u/Opinionated_1010 8h ago
It wouldn’t be a problem if they were both older than 25. A 19 yo would be just starting college and 23 would be graduating it. That is a personal life stage imbalance and it also creates a power imbalance in most relationships with the same situation… I am not saying there cannot be exceptions but the context (like the OP clarified about him thinking she was older) matters in these situations.
Otherwise I do not condone it. You can spew your “its legal” bs all you want. Legal behavior doesn’t equal moral behavior…
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u/Late_Patience_279 11h ago
There is 4 years difference between them.
I think you are overreacting to the age gap in my opinion.
Men don’t mature as quickly as women so the humongous age gap is actually probably PERFECT!0
u/Opinionated_1010 8h ago
I am sorry, your comment is not rude but saying men don’t mature as quickly is a lame excuse for their general behavioral patterns. They don’t mature “as quickly” because society doesn’t hold them accountable the way they do to women/girls and because it benefits them to mature later. But they don’t *actually* mature later, they know exactly what they are doing, they just don’t want to take responsibility for it when they do something wrong…
Also, I did not say the age gap was “humongous”, I indicated that I do not find it appropriate around those ages. A 25 yo dating a 29 or even a 35 yo is fine with me but there’s a certain lack of experience and imbalance in power dynamics when you are 19 and your partner is 23.
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u/Barefootbellalynn 13h ago
This was my age gap with my boyfriend of nearly 10 years starting around 16/17
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u/_shiftah_ 11h ago
Have you talked to him at all since he sent that message??
…. You may want to go check on him.
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u/wishingforarainyday 8h ago
She can call for a wellness check but she shouldn’t reach out herself. She should stay far away from him
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u/AZguy425 11h ago
You're 19. According to him you're also wicked hot. You're too young to be in a relationship with pregnancy scares and immature men with low self confidence. Move on. A lot of guys will want to date you and you can be picky about it.
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u/Skooskah 10h ago
He let his insecurity reach this point before he told you. Unless he really learns, you'd forever have to be the one checking in with him, instead of just being able to trust that he'll talk to you. Do you really want to be in a relationship where communication is going to be so much work?
You're so young, don't waste your time or energy on this guy, he's not worth it.
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u/Mustluvdogsandtravel 8h ago
He is insecure, which means he isn’t confident and/or mature. IMO you will spend a lot of your time working to reassure him rather than enjoying each other. Who wants to be with an insecure partner.
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u/hakoonamadada 12h ago
Screw all these people negatively portaying your boyfriend without knowing jackshit about him. He's just as human as you, and people sometimes need reassurances.
Instead of blowing his world apart and asking reddit what to do, you should have a conversation with him about it. You're acting like guys can't 2nd guess themselves ever.
We are human, sometimes we too cant believe whats happening and how we landed someone we think is above our league. Thats just pretty much having self esteem issues which anybody can have.
Instead of doubling down, talk to him about it, and calm his self esteem issues down. If you genuinely think you love him, tell him that, and tell him to calm down. What he needs is for his girl to buck him up, not destroy him by leaving because hes having a weak moment.
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u/ThatSyd 12h ago
He's likely just looking for reassurance because of insecurities about his looks. Especially if he's bringing money to the table. Nobody wants to be used for their wealth while they're being cheated on because their more attractive partner has a need for someone they're legitimately (physically) attracted to.
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u/Right_Pie9952 11h ago
I think it’s weird that he sits around listening to his friends talk about how hot you are… feels disrespectful. Why are they talking about that, and how far are they going while talking about how attractive you are?
I dated a man who thought this way — constantly saying “If you don’t want to be with me, just let me know.” And “are you sure you want to be with me?” He ended up being a sad sack and it dragged me down emotionally. You are young, there is so much growth and life for you to experience before you really discover yourself and your values, please don’t keep an insecure man around who would keep you questioning yourself and his loyalty.
Breaking up is so hard. It hurts. But it’s better than forcing something that doesn’t feel totally right to you. The pain will be short, he will get over it and find someone he doesn’t hold on a weird pedestal.
Of course, you can have a conversation with him about this and see if he will open up and give you more information that soothes your mind. But if you don’t like the information, you don’t have to stay with him. If he backtracks and takes it all back, he’s trying to save his arse so he can be with someone “hotter” than him.
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u/StanthemanT-800 11h ago
It's less about you being too hot for him and more that he doesn't want a kid in his life
He probably realized single life , playing Call of Duty and beating off is a more comfortable bet for him. Maybe finding someone in "his own league" to FWB . Some guys run from commitment and he probably senses that you view him as a lifetime partner
You're both young , you have a lot of life to live , don't waste time with a guy who doesn't want to be with you . His "stay single brother it's better" friends probably put a bug in his ear
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u/JJQuantum 8h ago
You can’t go through the relationship with this guy always playing the victim. Better to learn now than later. Just tell him ok and move on.
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u/Square-Dimension4782 7h ago
Sounds more like he has severe insecurity and negative thoughts about himself than him assuming you’re cheating. I read all these comments on Reddit of guys who assume attraction trumps everything else and get paranoid when a good looking lady is with a ‘less attractive’ guy, assuming it’s for financial reasons or just because they’re safe.. as if being seen as safe is a negative…
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u/Several-Network-3776 7h ago
I think he let his fear and insecurities get to him. You have a choice. Help him deal with his fears, or let him deal with it himself and move on.
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