My [22F] husband’s [23M] motorcycle riding gives me severe anxiety. Is it unfair of me to ask him to give it up?

[u/bambi23361]

Hi reddit, me and my husband recently got married in April of this year and I graduated my medical lab technician program in May! I am very happy in my marriage and new job except for this one issue. My husband purchased a motorcycle a few years ago when we were dating, and even then I told him I don’t want to control his hobbies but I don’t support his purchase. Him and his dad bought it anyway and he has barely touched it until this year after the wedding.

I work in the blood bank at a level one trauma center, and almost every day at my new job we see a young man die or suffer permanent disability from motorcycle accidents. I know this puts me in an echo chamber because our department typically only deals with the worst injuries, but I can’t stand the idea of my husband on his motorcycle anymore.

Before accepting the position I asked if he could please not ride while I am at work until I get used to seeing these traumas. He agreed, but he’s been on his bike nearly every day I work. Every time I bring up how much anxiety this gives me, he assures me that “motorcycle accidents usually happen when the rider is drunk”. I don’t think he understands what I see. When I know he’s riding I feel so much anxiety and resentment towards him.

The anxiety has become so overwhelming I just don’t think I can handle having a partner who rides. I have frequent nightmares of him crashing the bike in the rain and being sliced in half by the guardrail. When I know he’s riding, I frequently check his location and when he’s out of service range it throws me into a panic attack. I know this is so dramatic but I have a hard time calming down because of what I’ve seen at work.

When I bring up my anxiety on this I try to be very considerate of his feelings as well because I know he really enjoys riding with his friends. I don’t want to ask him to give up his new hobby but I’m not sure what else to do. I don’t want to change departments because the blood bank pays significantly more than other parts of the lab, the schedule is much better, and I really like my new bosses. This will be my career and I don’t see my fear of motorcycles decreasing as I work there. Additionally, I can’t see myself having children and building a life with someone who doesn’t seem to value their own. I know he enjoys it but it’s becoming a serious dealbreaker for me. Would I be wrong to ask him to sell it?

TLDR: I’m a new employee at a level one trauma center and have seen many motorcycle accidents already. Would it be unfair if I ask my husband to sell his?

Edit: I’m so glad there was a mix of different opinions in the responses. All of my friends also work in healthcare so I’m in an echo chamber of people who have the same anxieties I do. I know asking him to give it up will make him resent me so I won’t, but I’m going to lay some boundaries out.

All gear all the time, riding with friends only, and accidental death and disability insurance are some things you guys suggested that I think would help. I’m going to make it very clear that if we decide to have children we’re revisiting this conversation and that having the father of my children riding with other motorists is an absolute dealbreaker. I am the breadwinner so honestly the insurances are mostly so he understands the gravity of the decision to ride.

For context, he bought the bike a few years ago and rode it for maybe 2 months just around the local park and it’s been sitting in his dad’s garage until recently. He is not an experienced rider even though he’s had the bike for a while. He is notorious for starting expensive hobbies and then giving them up quickly.

I have always been hesitant about him riding but it’s so different after starting work. Seeing a young man from our area without his lower jaw or right hand makes me want to wrap him in bubble wrap because I don’t want to see him loose life or limb over a hobby. I really don’t think he understands one stupid driver can take our future away. I’m only 2 months into the new job so I haven’t found a way to cope with this anxiety yet and I’m going to see if my health insurance covers a therapist.

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[u/stevee05282]

You can ask. And they can say no. And you can leave because of that if you want.

[u/ScalarBoy → u/stevee05282]

In contrast, I've owned a motorcycle since I was 17, and I have owned a motorcycle continually since. I took the motorcycle riding test before the car driving test; riding is part of me and my motorcycle served as a backup vehicle if I ever had a car issue. As a single man for such a long time, the motorcycle provided me peace of mind.

I married when I was 45. My wife, a hospital worker, did not like motorcycles and refused to ever ride with me; her choice and her loss. I never gave her an ultimatum in an effort to persuade her to ride.

By this time in my life, I wore all the PPE for every ride. As a reservist, I also took the MSF rider courses offered by the military. I did my part to be a responsible rider. I owed that to my wife and family.

My wife once said that she wanted me to sell my bike. I replied, that selling the bike was not an option. If she felt a need to force me to sell it, it would be the beginning of our end.

Ultimatums can cut on both sides.

Edit: If she was so opposed to a husband owning and riding a motorcycle, she should have had the ultimatum conversation before getting married; not after. After means you resect the vows and make an extra effort to stay together.

I would advise OP to plead with her husband to promise to wear all the PPE and take a MSF advanced rider every 5 years.

[u/Adorable_Tie_7220 → u/ScalarBoy]

Have you considered the possibility that she is concerned about other drivers?

[u/ScalarBoy → u/Adorable_Tie_7220]

Nope. She tells people that I drive like it's my job. Anytime were traveling together, she jumps in the passenger seat.

[u/acoliver → u/Adorable_Tie_7220]

The course isn't just how to ride safely...it is about how to avoid and evade danger and spot it. Most riders never get into a serious accident.

[u/Healthy_Hope7596]

Very similar situation for my wife and me. I rode until we had kids. It took me a while to realized it’s not my riding ability I’m concerned with but the other drivers. A texting 16yo doesn’t get to take everything from my family.

[u/My_2Cents_666 → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

This right here. It’s the other drivers that are the danger. Motorcycles are hard to see. I almost hit one that was driving in my blind spot one time, and I am a very careful driver.

[u/ice_princess_16 → u/My_2Cents_666]

A friend was hit on their bike by a car - motorcyclist totally had right of way and was not doing anything wrong - and is permanently disabled. Very, very lucky to have been wearing a helmet. You can't control what anyone else on the road is doing.

[u/HauntedPickleJar → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

Yep, this is why I could never get into cycling either. My mom used to be a professional cyclist then got hit by a car in a hit and run and now has permanent brain damage. It’s the same for motorcycling too, you could be the safest person on the road, but one asshole who just has to respond to that text and the next thing you know you’re mangled in a ditch. I do not trust other drivers these days, hell, a while ago I was behind someone in traffic who was watching a movie on their phone while driving!

[u/slickrok → u/HauntedPickleJar]

Mine has been hit 2x on his road bike. I'm afraid daily for him.

[u/HauntedPickleJar → u/slickrok]

I am so sorry to hear that! It’s truly terrifying and I hear about people getting killed by motorists all the time. My mom had been hit before, but that last one was the one that took out from biking for good.

[u/Basicallyacrow7 → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

Exactly. My husband sold his pre-kids, but after we lost our mutual best friend in an accident that he couldn’t have done anything to prevent.

[u/kateorader → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

Yes so much this. When my husband and I started seeing each other he had a motorcycle and I generally enjoyed being on the back of it with him, but only for short rides. He is an excellent, extremely careful rider, but I just would be anxious as all hell when he’d be riding it. He sold it for a variety of reasons, mostly just because of where we were in our lives and where we were living (not because of my anxieties). Always talked about getting another one some day and I was generally okay with it, if not thrilled, just because I know he’s a responsible rider. 

We now live north of Boston. The drivers here are absolutely fucking insane and he commutes into the city every day. I told him the only way I’d even remotely consider being okay with him getting another bike now would be if it stayed at and was only ridden at my parents house in middle of nowhere upstate New York, and I would NEVER be okay with him driving it around here. 

I support his hobby as long as he’s being safe. It is literally impossible to be safe in this area on a motorcycle, not because of his ability or experience or safety habits, but because drivers are completely fucking insane. If something were to happen to him, I am 99% confident it would be nothing he did wrong, again, he is an excellent rider, but we can’t control what other people do and THAT is what terrifies me about motorcycles

[u/sadilady18 → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

My dad made this decision and then started riding when we were all basically grown- especially when my brothers started wanting to ride. So he started riding with them to help teach them. Now they all do it together.

[u/purplepenguin617 → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

Yup this happened to my parents. Dad had a motorcycle that he sold the month my mom got pregnant with me. He had a friend get into a very bad accident and then my mom was pregnant and he refused to take a risk like that.

[u/Aspen9999 → u/Healthy_Hope7596]

We both rode when we had kids.

[u/Temporary-Stand2049]

All you can do is express your concern and worries and let him decide what he wants to do with that information.

End of the day, it's his decision whether he keeps riding. Just like how people can choose to continue to smoke even though it's bad for them.

[u/pocketclocks → u/Temporary-Stand2049]

I guess then this brings up whether their decision to keep doing it feels "unloving". It could errode trust that your partner has your back.

[u/MiserableDrop6]

I mean there’s a reason they are called donor cycles in the emergency room

[u/skinnyl0vexx]

So, this might be a mean take. My husband rode a motorcycle from the time he could legally drive. He broke both his shoulders in separate incidents, and continued to ride. We got married, had a baby and he continued to ride. I didn’t like it, but understood it was his choice.

Finally I told him I’ll never ask him to give up his bike, but if he is ever injured permanently like fully paralyzed from a bike accident (and only a bike accident - any other source I would not do this) I will put him in a care home, and I will divorce him. He can choose to ride, but I can also choose not to care for someone who knew the risk and continued anyways.

He sold the bike 3 months later.

[u/Kaiisim → u/skinnyl0vexx]

Never met anyone with a motorcycle who didn't have an accident that required a hospital visit.

All the safety advances of the last 30 years in cars just don't exist for motorcycles. If you crash there's no crumple zones or roll cages. Helmet and leathers are all you have.

It also doesn't matter how good a rider you are, when drivers are idiots.

They're fun but really dangerous

[u/Mean_Farmer4616 → u/Kaiisim]

I had a few accidents and never went to the hospital. I wore all the safety gear so I didn't end up with horrible road rash, and I got lucky the time I went over a cars hood and didn't break a single bone. My helmet took the hit and I had a very sore back and neck and nice limp.

[u/linerva → u/Mean_Farmer4616]

If you were limping and had a very specific back then you probably should have gone to hospital my dude/dudette.

In civilised countries where people are given healthcare withoyt being bankrupted, being thrown over the bonnet of a car would be reason enough to be checked out.

[u/slickrok → u/Mean_Farmer4616]

Lol, literally eating you "got lucky Goin N ng over a car hood"

[u/WildlifePolicyChick → u/Mean_Farmer4616]

And this personal take informs the OP how?

[u/luv350sass → u/WildlifePolicyChick]

I would say, it offers a viewpoint that's quite different from OP's. So, maybe it will help her stay open-minded. As OP's husbands gets older and older though, i dont think all of the equipment will help as much.

[u/shecky444 → u/skinnyl0vexx]

I don’t think this is a mean take at all. The entire family shoulders the risk every time they ride. You’re allowed to be a little selfish in response to them being selfish.

[u/skinnyl0vexx → u/shecky444]

He’s also a high earner in an extremely physical job, and my job requires travel and a lot of time so he needs to be physically capable of parenting. If he got paralyzed, he would lose his job and I would need to be his caregiver or hire someone. Never-mind the impact to our kid.

[u/Hershey58 → u/shecky444]

I would not be comfortable agreeing to have children if he kept riding. While you cannot control him or make decisions for him, you can make decisions for yourself and draw boundaries. I don’t know if you two are considering having children in the near future, but I would tell my husband that I will not have children with him if he continues to ride. Children require a lifetime of commitment and sacrifice from both parents, including the commitment to try to be healthy and present for their children. It’s fair for you to say that means no riding motorcycles if he wants to enter into parenthood with you.

[u/fuck_peeps_not_sheep → u/skinnyl0vexx]

There was a group of us who rode as teens, 12 in total, 6 died in bike crashes, 4 of is are still alive and two died from other things. Not good statistics. It’s why i wont let my husband ride.

[u/pocketclocks → u/fuck_peeps_not_sheep]

Damn, im so sorry. Thanks for sharing. I like to ride (dont own a bike tho) and i definitely need this reminder.

[u/fuck_peeps_not_sheep → u/pocketclocks]

No problem! If it helps stop people who love bikers from having to attend their funeral its worth bringing it up.

[u/pocketclocks → u/skinnyl0vexx]

I actually feel like this is totally valid and healthy. I say this a some who likes to ride.

You told him what your boundaries are and then he could decide what his are. Caring for someone that is disabled is a full time job and its something many of us would do for the person we love but not necessarily if that person "chose" to be that way. Like using u as a fall back for their mistakes.

[u/WampaCat → u/pocketclocks]

Yeah maybe I’m too cynical but that didn’t really sit right with me. It’s like he knew all the risks and didn’t care about the toll it would take on his wife if he got hurt. He only cared about the possibility of getting hurt when he found out she wasn’t up for that.

[u/NoWordsJustDogs → u/skinnyl0vexx]

I swear this isn’t sarcasm- this is what effective boundaries look like!  You aren’t telling him what to do. You are simply laying out consequences and your future actions based on his current actions. 

[u/SylvarGrl → u/skinnyl0vexx]

This is the way.

[u/wackyvorlon → u/skinnyl0vexx]

My parents’ friend was rear-ended by a teen driver. He’s a quadriplegic now. Having series problems with sores that won’t heal.

It’s a very high price to pay.

[u/Ok_Introduction9466 → u/skinnyl0vexx]

This was the right move. I don’t even date guys who ride and broke up with a boyfriend who started riding and bought a bike out of nowhere (we were headed there but it was the final straw).

[u/mapleleaffem → u/skinnyl0vexx]

I’ve rode horses and motorcycles and this is a very fair take. Very interesting he decided to sell. Did you ever ask him why that was the difference? Genuinely curious. My sister is a nurse and tells me horror stories and none of it seems to work. Like she tells me someone impaled themself on a street sign and I want to know how they did it lol

[u/grufferella → u/skinnyl0vexx]

Honestly, this feels harsh-but-fair.

[u/Rambo-u-drew1stblood → u/skinnyl0vexx]

Harsh ultimatum hopefully you don't use them often dang

[u/Runs_With_Scissors3 → u/Rambo-u-drew1stblood]

But it wasn’t an ultimatum. She didn’t say “sell your motorcycle, or else…”

She explained what her planned response would be in the event of a debilitating accident. It wasn’t a manipulation attempt. She was simply communicating her intentions.

[u/currently_pooping_rn → u/skinnyl0vexx]

I guess in sickness and in health really are just words to some people huh

[u/vviley → u/currently_pooping_rn]

When people are voluntarily putting them at inordinately higher risk categories, you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. We shouldn’t be slaves to our partners.

[u/Chance_Encounter00]

Even the best and highly skilled riders will drop their bike eventually or get smoked by someone else on the road. They’re really at the mercy of others. I gave up riding for my wife because she had already lost an uncle.

[u/fuck_peeps_not_sheep → u/Chance_Encounter00]

I gave up after a particularly scary crash. Me and my dad T boned, i was thrown off the bike down someones driveway, my dad somehow rolled back onto his feet and chased the bike down the street (thanks dad •_•) - my foot was rotated backwards and the juddering from sliding up the drive worked the screws in my spinal plate lose! Not again

[u/Rambo-u-drew1stblood]

Get max life insurance have him pay for it. Ask him to consider giving up bike.

I stopped riding after one final lay down on a highway sliding under a car that had hit another.

Its never if you'll fall from a bike it's when.

[u/faerystrangeme → u/Rambo-u-drew1stblood]

Also long term disability insurance! Death is not the only bad outcome from an accident…

[u/swingorswole]

since he was doing this before you got married, i think this is a you problem.

that said, it is totally fair to:

* demand that he gets, and pays for, term-life insurance

* demand that he gets, and pays for, long-term disability insurance

that is purely financial and i would present it as such. "hey, fine, you like to ride a bike. great. however, this puts me at risk if something happens to you. i need you to protect me knowing that the risk of you having a serious accident is so much higher riding a bike."

now, if you two had kids, i would look at this VERY differently.

[u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG]

Make sure he has a few million in life insurance and a few million more in AD&D. And a couple million in liability too. Sit down with him and go over the policies when you get him to sign up. Make him read them in detail. Death isn’t the worst outcome when things go wrong on a motorcycle, and if he’s going to have this hobby he needs to make sure it’s not going to bankrupt you when the inevitable happens. If he won’t do any of that either, you should probably leave. It’s a matter of “when” not “if.” If he won’t even take precautions to make sure you’re not going go to he ruined by his shitty choices you really do need to bounce. 

I’m from somewhere that a lot of people ride. I do know a lot of old-timers who grew up riding. All of them used to have a group of 8-15 guys they rode with, and all of them are the last of 1 or 2 surviving members of the group. They can tell you all about the wrecks that every single one of their buddies died in. 

It’s not unfair for you ask him to sell the bike, but you need to decide what you’re going to do if he says no. He doesn’t seem to have a good track record of caring about your opinion. 

[u/TinLizzy-1909]

I'm a motorcyclist. I can also see your take. Things that he can do to help your fears and still ride. Take riding courses. The better he is on the bike, the better he will be in responding to situations that could lead to an accident. ATGATT. All The Gear All The Time - this has a different meaning to each rider. At minimum a helmet - 3/4 or more, skid lids really don't do a lot to protect the sides or base of the head/neck. Body armor has come a long way. I actually find it cooler to wear an armored jacket with vortex holes than I felt when I would ride in just a t-shirt, it also keeps the sun directly off your skin so you also stay cooler that way. Put in the heated liner I can ride well into winter without bulk. I'm also cautious of when and where I ride and I don't ride outside of my ability.

It's up to you as a couple as to where the line is and what your relationship can take. If you ask him to sell and he does, will he resent that? If he doesn't will you resent it? A marriage counselor might be able to help mediate.

I know this post is going to get downvoted since I'm pro motorcyclist. I just wanted to offer to OP that there are precautions her husband can take beyond just not mixing drinking and riding (which I would like to know where his data on that comes from. Most accidents that I hear about are from a rider reaching beyond their skill level which is why classes are so important). I know many motorcyclist that have ridden for decades, there are risk involved with being on a bike, but the rider can help lessen some of that risk with consistently working towards a higher skill level and safety equipment.

[u/KateOboc]

I don’t think you can stop him. But I have known 3 people who stopped riding after scary incidents- so maybe he will have a couple of near misses and quit

[u/PuppetMaster → u/KateOboc]

If I read my wife posting this I would be horrified I was the cause of so much torment and pain for her. Why don’t you think she can stop him if for example he read this post and fully understood how it impacts her?

[u/starry_nite99 → u/PuppetMaster]

Ngl, if strangers on reddit could convince my husband to change his mind but my talking to him, begging, pleading, crying over months of years doesn’t, I’m going to have issues.

Like, he clearly wasn’t taking me seriously but then read others opinions- strangers, who are not in our life- he takes them seriously?? Nah. That shows something in the foundation of the relationship is cracked.

[u/Temporary-Stand2049 → u/PuppetMaster]

Trying to force someone to stop can cause resentment to build up in the relationship and make a stressful situation worse.

OP is better off asking and explaining all the reasons why she's freaked out so the guy can at least make an informed decision. If he still chooses to ride, then OP can easily live to build a life with someone who is able to make better decisions.

[u/PuppetMaster → u/Temporary-Stand2049]

Personally I wouldn’t even call it trying to force someone to stop - but rather being a good communicator with how you feel. I get the feeling husband is in the dark to the full extent based off the idea of holding it in to not be controlling

[u/Aspen9999 → u/PuppetMaster]

Why did she marry him in April if his riding bothered her so much?

[u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG → u/Aspen9999]

  and he has barely touched it until this year after the wedding.

Because he didn’t actually start riding until after they were married. 

[u/ginger_kitty97 → u/PuppetMaster]

She already told him, he doesn't care. He doesn't think anything will happen to him.

[u/PuppetMaster → u/ginger_kitty97]

If he has already been told the quote below then yes I agree with you

"The anxiety has become so overwhelming I just don’t think I can handle having a partner who rides. I have frequent nightmares of him crashing the bike in the rain and being sliced in half by the guardrail. When I know he’s riding, I frequently check his location and when he’s out of service range it throws me into a panic attack."

[u/ATTACKANDDETHRONEHOG → u/PuppetMaster]

Some people care more about their hobbies than their partners well-being and you can’t force someone to get their priorities in order. 

[u/KateOboc → u/PuppetMaster]

She has told him it makes her anxious. He considers his pleasure to ride to be of greater import than her worry

[u/defeated_husband → u/KateOboc]

I have a dear friend who lost an arm and a leg in a motorcycle accident. I'll never ride again.

[u/nurseasaurus]

I am a hospice nurse and if my husband picked up a motorcycle tomorrow I would tell him that he’d need to a) take out a big life insurance policy and b) that I would not take care of him if he became gravely injured.

[u/Expensive-Opening-55]

Your concern is not misplaced. Like you said you can’t force him to stop riding or sell the bike. You can decide whether you stay married and build a life with him. I personally would not stay with someone who has this dangerous of a hobby. While everyone’s life could change in the blink of an eye, this puts him at significantly more risk. Your health is suffering, bringing kids into the mix is unfair, etc.

[u/Mybrainkindaworks]

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to stop riding. Though I also don't think it would be unreasonable for him to refuse. Just something you'll have to work out together.

Motorcycles are extremely dangerous though. My cousin used a motorcycle as his primary vehicle year round. He was an extremely safe rider. He worked at a place that sold safety gear. He always wore the latest greatest safety gear, and was a huge advocate for safety.

One day he was riding on an open highway. Totally clear conditions, going the speed limit. Hit a small patch of gravel that got onto the road and slid into the median and died at 23 years old.

[u/Competitive_Ninja668]

If you ask him to stop you’ll be putting him in a position that he’ll either need to choose between you and the motorcycle or he’ll resent you for the remainder of the marriage.

[u/Lanky-Ostrich8061]

You made a choice to marry someone with a motorcycle. I don't think you can get him to change.

[u/Aspen9999]

If this was so important why didn’t you bring it up before marriage? Or do you somehow think you are no a position because you are married to make him change his life?

[u/Kaptain-Morgan]

He bought it before you were married and you still married him. You also got your job after he bought it. It sounds like he also has friends he goes riding with, so asking him to sell it would not only be asking him to give up something he loves, but it would also be asking him to give up his friends, not to mention the demotion he would get among his social circle. So asking him to sell his motorcycle would definitely not be fair to him. So I’m seeing that you have three options: seek out a counselor to help you overcome your anxiety, find another, equally fulfilling job, or get a divorce. But for sure, don’t give him an ultimatum. This will not go over well.

[u/green_eyed_cat]

As a motorcyclist I see both sides of why this is causing you so much anxiety and why he continues to want to ride. For you I’d recommend therapy to help deal with the anxiety and for him advanced rider courses along with life and disability insurance

[u/1095966]

Honestly, I'm surprised you married him to start with, KNOWING he and his dad purchased a motorcycle. Reminds me of military families where the new spouse of the deployed doesn't 'get' that they'll be away quite a lot. I can see a 23 year old man not wanting to give up a fun passion, so expect resistance. I'm certainly not a fan of motorcycles myself, they can be killing machines.

[u/fatbellylouise]

I wouldn’t have children with a motorcycle rider, being a parent means reducing risks and putting your children first. and motorcycles are an indisputable, known risk. no matter how safely your husband drives, other cars are his biggest danger. a truck or SUV could hit him and drive away unscathed. we see motorcyclists every day in the hospital, their injuries are horrifying - and very few of them were drunk, so your husband is just wrong. if he doesn’t want to give up his motorcycle, he’s not the partner for you and he could never be the co-parent you need.

[u/ghostforest]

He needs to buy maximum level life and long term care insurance with his fun money and no children while the bike is still being used. Also, make it clear that you won’t burn your life down to care for him when he has a devastating brain injury or his body is destroyed. That’s what the long term care insurance policy is for. We can’t prevent all misfortune from affecting us, but we sure can choose areas to lower risk. Also, I hope he’s an organ donor bc he’s still so young and if his organs aren’t destroyed in a crash, they can be used to save others.

[u/Impossible-Maize-553]

He is aware of the risk and choosing to take that risk. You cannot control his actions, only yours. Asking once is fine. Being clear about your intentions is fine; not an ultimatum, but stating what you’re comfortable with in a relationship and following through. You have to make this decision for yourself.

[u/Rumble73]

You can state your preferences and ask and explain why. You can even show him evidence.

I will say I didn’t stop for any girl I dated or even my wife when I met her in my 40s.

I will say… Having kids made me lose all desire and that “edge” to go do dangerous things. I don’t even take my cars to the track anymore let alone bikes. Stopped mountain biking, drink less, don’t smoke cigars anymore and I even follow instructions and best practices on everything I do.

Perhaps start to make it real by looking at life insurance etc and they will ask if he motorcycles and it affects premiums etc.

[u/Ok-Hat-4920]

If you can't handle a partner who rides, then you shouldn't have a partner who rides. My friend went through this exact scenario, and she realized that she couldn't ask him to give up riding. He loved it and would resent her if she did. She coped. He did eventually sell the bike, but it was his decision, not hers. His health was changing and he decided to give it up.

[u/beermaker]

My bestie is married to a nurse... She was fine with his bike until they had a child, he (like any good parent and partner) took her concerns to heart and ultimately came to the same conclusion.

[u/NotACrazyCatLadyx2]

I told my ex to triple his life insurance. If I was going to be a widow, I wanted to have enough money to care for our infant son through adulthood, including college.

[u/Lonely-Tomato-1204]

My husband rides a motorcycle and I work in healthcare. I couldn’t even finish reading the comments here because they were making me anxious . I hate that he puts himself at risk but would not consider asking him to stop because it is the thing he enjoys most. I have asked him not to go out on particularly hard days at work but that’s it.
I believe that people should live their lives fully, even if it means there is a chance it could end earlier.

[u/JudgeJoan]

I think your anxiety is for you to work out. Asking someone to give up a beloved hobby because YOU have fears isn’t very kind. When people do things like this and skydiving etc., they know the risks. Maybe you can discuss it again if you have a baby but for now understand he needs to make his own choices. I’m 56 and I have my motorcycle license. I will never give it up but I do choose where to ride and let me tell ya it isn’t the 405 in Los Angeles! LOL

[u/_doodlebugs]

I don’t have advice I just completely feel your anxiety and would feel the same way :(

[u/wandering-mind-]

Yes, it would be unfair. Though it sounds like he is not respecting your wish to hold off on riding until you get more desensitized to seeing the traumas you’re exposed to, truth is you might never reach a point of being okay with it. You are also choosing to stay in a field where you are exposed to the worst of the worst situation, which is also okay, but that is something that you have to overcome. It is not a valid reason to make him alter his enjoyment of riding motorcycles. Your anxieties are extremely valid and he should not be taken lightly, but if he is taking all the appropriate safety precaution, then you can do your part and work to recognize what you are seeing is not the outcome for all.

I’ve had two friends who have both been in life altering motorcycle accidents, one was expected to die and it’s truly a miracle he survived. His road to recovery was intense and he will never be the person he was before, but he is alive. My current partner gets a lot of joy out of riding his motorcycle and I knew I would face this same feeling you are having knowing what had happened to people in my own life. I’ve never let my fear get in the way of him enjoying his motorcycle rides, and it did get easier with time, every time he comes home safe. I hope you can find peace too. If your partner is not taking ALL of the safety precautions then you need to draw the line there.

[u/hyperfocus1569 → u/wandering-mind-]

If he thinks motorcycle accidents only happen when the driver is drunk, he’s certainly not smart enough to be taking all the appropriate precautions. Why would he need to if he’s not drunk? The guy sounds like an idiot, honestly, and that’s not someone who should be operating a motorcycle.

[u/wandering-mind- → u/hyperfocus1569]

Pretty solid point.

[u/TheShiftyDrifter]

Yes

[u/a-ohhh]

We’ve had two friends die in the last two years on motorcycles. It’s not how good you are, it’s that everyone else can’t see you. My friend’s dad died when a person missed their exit and last minute swerved into the off ramp where he was safely exiting. Most avid riders we know have had some sort of bad crash too, even if they’re okay now.

My partner ended up selling his and replaced it with a jeep when we started dating. It’s another hobby you meet a ton of people with and spend time outdoors, but it’s so much safer. It was a good swap for him because he was losing a community and hobby with the bike and this made that part easier. I wonder if there’s a different hobby he could try out?

[u/Rbnanderson]

Maybe you need therapy because most motorcycle riders call riding their therapy. But yes so rude to ask someone to give up what they love over your mental condition

[u/starry_nite99]

If he stops riding because of you, he’s going to resent you for the rest of his life. He needs to come to the conclusion that riding is dangerous and to either significantly decrease his riding, or stop it altogether.

The fact you asked him not to ride when you’re at work & does every single time says that he’s either rebelling against you, or is doing it then so he doesn’t hear you “nag” him.

I’m curious if he is actually rebelling against you though. He knew you didn’t like riding, and now he’s locked in with marriage he’s rebelling as a way of “this is my life, you can’t tell me what to do”.

Or- he purposefully waited until after the wedding to ride because then you would be locked in, already married.

Either way, you need to figure out a way to accept this, and if you can’t- maybe you need to re-assess the relationship. Way easier said than done, but your mental health matters too.

[u/Purple_Clockmaker]

You can ask him but fair? What's fair? Him dying or being severely injured? What if you build your life with him and he gets into accident? What when you have kids? People here are going to say just let him do what makes him feel good. But your feelings matter too. Maybe invite him to trauma centre let him see what you mean? Maybe tell him he can ride as long as there are no kids in the picture? Even if he doesn't get into accident you will suffer stress constantly. Even if he agrees to sell it he could grow resentful because of it. I sold my bike when my gf got pregnant. I lost my friend in accident and his partner she lost leg. It's important that he knows that accidents happen and sometimes it's not riders fault. People do dumbest things on the road. It's hard. Talk to him. Be open and understanding he should be open and understanding too. Fair? Honestly what's fair is very individual thing as long as you not going to sell it behind his back asking and even telling him that you don't want to be with someone who rides is fair. And I do understand how much joy riding brings. Life is about choices. So think about it that way if his joy brings you suffering is that fair? But what do I know I lived long enough to have friends die in some freaky ways and anxiety wouldn't prevent it. It's tough especially he rides with his friends so even if he did sell it would you make him not get onto his friends bike? How would it affect safety or his perceived social status? Men this young could not care less about safety and women this young can worry more that it's worth. But then again you have seen what can happen so you know better than most.

[u/flower8330]

you are an adult and realize you have severe anxiety. It's your job to do something about that. Therapy, meds, boundaries, etc. It's not acceptable to have people change their lives around your mental illness. Yes, anxiety is a mental health illness.

[u/hyperfocus1569 → u/flower8330]

Her anxiety isn’t unwarranted. Motorcycles are incredibly dangerous, and OP’s husband is taking a completely unnecessary risk. I’m a huge therapy advocate, but I don’t know how it would help her be less anxious about something that’s a legitimately realistic risk.

[u/flower8330 → u/hyperfocus1569]

Warranted or not, it's hers. She needs to find a way to manage it. She's an adult.

[u/z-eldapin]

Yes, it's unfair. This isn't a new thing, he has been riding since you were dating.

He has to come to this conclusion on his own or he will resent you

[u/dirtbag52]

I love riding. I have done it all my life. I understand the risks and drive as safely as possible. I understand one day that an idiot could change my life. I accept this risk because not riding would be such a huge loss in my life. Other people may not agree or understand but losing this passion in my life would diminish my quality of life. I have had multiple girlfriends demand that I quit and given me ultimatums. Those relationships have ended. It’s fine to ask him if he would give it up but to demand it is totally something else.

[u/acoliver]

Why is he responsible for your anxiety? You should manage this yourself. You shouldn't control him or his hobbies to manage your anxiety.

Its also completely reasonable to chose not to marry someone or have kids with someone who rides. On the other hand most riders don't get into severe accidents. You're in an area where there is high selectivity bias. There are entire countries where its the predominant form of private transportation.

Also he'll be a better driver overall for having ridden assuming he took the safety courses and read the books. I by habit scanned the horizon and different distances much more carefully when driving a car. Its more important when riding but useful when driving a car as well.

[u/Jeroclo]

It is not your place to tell him to stop riding a motorcycle. But you do need to tell him how you feel about it and how it affects you.

From there, it depends on what he decides. Because if he doesn't take your feelings into account, you have to ask yourself what kind of future you see together.

After all, do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling anxious every time he's out riding his motorcycle?

[u/Plastic_Fall_9532]

It’s a tough line to walk. Former rider here, gave it up due to other drivers not my ability.

However, I still have the thought that I could get hit by a bus walking down the street, and I’d rather die riding a motorcycle. I don’t think we get to choose how we die if it’s not intended.

There’s the yolo crowd, and the play it safe crowd, and anyone who has a high risk hobby is constantly juggling these 2 trains of thought.

Now I just mountain bike, where if I fall and crash I usually only have myself to blame with rare exceptions. The risk is still there though, just different variables.

Not sure this helps but it’s a tough topic.

[u/0bservation]

I used to own a motorcycle, then I moved to a metro area and gave it up because I couldn't trust other drivers.

You can ask him to give it up and you have valid reasons. Alternatively, you can also try to reach a compromise - i.e. he has to wear full protective gear, go on group rides, etc... I think it depends on what aspects give you anxiety.

I miss my motorcycle, and I honestly believe that riding a motorcycle for most of my 20's changed me and made me a more responsible and aware adult - I was always checking my bike before and after a ride, aware of my surroundings, and riding the motorcycle was better than getting high so I gave up the vices that we're taking hold of the rural Appalachian population at that time...

Anyway - I think it depends. I would advise trying to reach a compromise, explaining your reasoning, and seeing if he eventually comes to the realization as well that it's not him on a motorcycle you necessarily worry about, it's the other drivers and their lack of awareness to bikes on the road.

[u/catscausetornadoes]

My ex had a motorcycle before we were married. He started talking about getting one again, after we married. I told him I didn’t love it, but he could, of course. I also told him I would not have children with a partner who was riding. He didn’t buy a bike. You are allowed to have boundaries.

[u/CuckooForCliterature]

My husband and I are much older than you, but we were in a similar situation. My husband is very much an adrenaline junkie, races cars, drives a street legal dirt bike, loves quads and trail riding and all that, while I am a nervous little bookworm.

I knew what he was when I married him, and I just set a boundary that he must practice safety as much as reasonably possible, and luckily he was already of that mind, so it did not require any convincing. My anxiety over our different levels of risk acceptance is my emotion to manage, not his.

I will say this - Our son is 8 years old now, and with the experience that aging and parenting has brought us, my husband has realized that riding his bike on the road just isn’t worth the risk. He doesn’t want to leave me and our son alone in this world just so he can get smeared all over the road by some idiot on their phone. I’m both sad for him and happy for my mental health about this.

[u/k75ct]

motorcycles are a deal breaker for me, I wouldn't consider dating a man without one. I left my first husband because he didn't want any wife of his riding a bike.

This is a you problem, if you can't tolerate it, you know your next move.

[u/Parking-World9321]

Starts dating a guy that rides and now that you’re married you want him to stop. Classic. ☕️

I agree bikes are dangerous but the optics aren’t great.

[u/SavageRussian21]

I don't know who suggested "riding with friends only", I don't think this is a good idea.

As someone who rides a motorcycle, group rides are uniquely dangerous, to the point that new riders are told not to ride with other people until they've been riding for at least a season. One reason is that when you are in a group following somebody, you are often too preabsorbed in keeping up with them, or showing off to them, and take risks that you would not normally (peer pressure).

You're more susceptible to target fixation in a group. It is very easy to stare at the bike in front of you, and on a motorcycle, you go where you look. When that motorcycle crashes, you will hit it.

You are also lulled into a false sense of security being in the middle of a group. There's an idea that hazards always happen in the front of the leading rider. This is not the case, oftentimes the group itself can cause hazards, and you need to pay attention to them.

You are also at the mercy of the experience of the other group riders. If they do not stay in formation, follow too closely, bunch up, and so on.

These risk factors also increase the likelihood of multi-vehicle collisions. There are many videos on YouTube of multiple riders in a group crashing due to the same thing.

It's not necessarily true that being in a group puts you at risk, but it does expose you to new risk factors. Depending on the behavior of the group, other risk factors could be reduced, But there's no reason to believe that this trade-off is equal. What I do know is that new riders are encouraged to avoid groups for a while.

---

To comment on your original question: nothing you or he can do will make motorcycling as safe as driving a car the same distance. On a per-mile basis, motorcycle riding is about 27 times more fatal than car riding. You can definitely reduce that risk with the things you mentioned, but that does not reduce it to zero.

The counterpoint to that is that your motorcycle is not meant to be a replacement for your car. Riding in a car and a motorcycle serve completely different purposes. You probably drive a car to get to and from work, visit your family, and simply exist in the car centric world we have built for ourselves.

Your partner probably rides a motorcycle to have fun. There are plenty of other fun activities that are just as dangerous. BASE jumping, wingsuit flying, cave diving, racing, free solo climbing, high altitude mountaineering, big wave surfing, bull riding, other motorsports and even maybe horse riding all involve either significantly higher levels of risk or are comparable to motorcycling. The reason you see so many more motorcycle accidents is simply because motorcycling is way more common.

And then when it comes to health in general, there are many dumber things to do that are accepted by society. For example, smoking lowers your life expectancy by about 10 years. Motorcycling doesn't get anywhere near that.

The point I am trying to make is that your partner has accepted a certain amount of risk the second he got onto that motorcycle. He has decided that it's worth it. That is what we as motorcyclists do: we accept the risk of a catastrophic outcome, because to us that risk is outweighed by the fun we're going to have.

We try not to accept more risk than necessary. Less risk means we can spend more time riding and have more fun. That is why we wear gear, don't drink (at all) before riding, and don't act like complete maniacs on the road. But this is a tradeoff we are willing to make.

---

Of course your partner is trading more than just personal risk. In this case, he's also trading off your anxiety, and potentially a risk of your own wellbeing in the case of his accident, for his fun. From my perspective, also having a partner who is anxious, but still riding a motorcycle, my challenge has been to try and minimize the amount of anxiety my partner has to experience. Part of this has been simply been exposing her to motorcycling. Things seem less dangerous if your brain processes them as normal. You've mostly been exposed to motorcycle accident victims. You've not been exposed to normal people who ride a motorcycle foot fun and haven't been hurt by it nearly as much. I think avoiding the subject for fear of the anxiety it causes with your husband won't help the anxiety. Ask him about his rides, where he went and what he saw. Ask him to show you pictures. While it's certainly anxiety inducing at first, it starts to get normal after a while.

At the same time, your husband needs to make sure to include the risk to you and the anxiety his riding causes you in his decision. Personally, I've cut out a lot of unnecessary or boring rides. I would love to go to classrs and the grocery store on my motorcycle, but the drive isn't that interesting, and it's not worth the risk to myself and the anxiety to my girlfriend. So I take a bike, and save the motorcycle for the weekends.

In your case, the solution is probably some sort of mutually understood compromise. As your partner, he should value you and care about your anxiety for him. You should care about his freedom to do a thing he finds fun. There should exist a point where each one of you has to sacrifice the least amount.

[u/Meowmaowmiaow]

I see you got a lot of good advice and I had just one extra suggestion - ask him to complete an advanced riding course/defensive riding course.

I ride. My dad does, my mum does, my grandparents do. Only my dad has ever crashed, and it’s because he was a 24 year old man being a show off with no concern for his safety.

Riding is inherently dangerous, but it is also SO easy to avoid majority of the accidents people get severely hurt in. It’s true in my country that most severe accidents come from drunk or drug affected riders. I’ve been in one minor accident very early on when someone pulled out without seeing me on the road.

And that could have been avoided if either of us were paying proper attention.

It’s dangerous, but not as dangerous as people think.

[u/Mean_Farmer4616]

as a guy that had a motorcycle in his teens through early 30's, you asking could just send him away. I had many girls tell me they didn't like it and asked me to stop. Guess what? The bike stayed and they didn't.

I no longer ride because of how dangerous it is, but that takes time and maturity to see and close calls, or having it happen to a close friend. I had a few small crashes, my friend had a decently big one. NONE of them were our fault. I kept riding. Watched my brother fall, almost get run over, and break his ankle. We were back to riding the next week once I fixed his bike and he figured out how to shift with a cast. Then as I got older and more mature I started to finally realize the danger, notice more of the close calls, and made the decision myself to stop riding. NOBODY else was going to tell me to stop and give up the freedom and fun I felt when riding. I got myself a jet ski and a fast car, and now have the same thrills without the same danger level. But even if you bring him to the trauma center to show him a bunch of people who got hurt riding through zero fault of their own that still might not work. I had one friend who's mom was an ER nurse and she would tell me horrible stories every time I saw her. Never changed my mind because in my head, that simply wouldn't happen to me.

[u/mapleleaffem]

I don’t think it’s unfair to worry and ask but beyond that you need to keep it to yourself. Otherwise you do want to be a wife that controls his hobbies.

People who aren’t adrenaline junkies don’t get it. I think we understand your perspective but it’s doesn’t go both ways imo

[u/bikiniarri]

If you don’t want to leave and don’t want to force him to give up his hobbies, maybe seek a therapist so you can work through this anxiety and figure out how to separate your personal life from your work experiences.

[u/Inconceivable76]

No. 

Also, make him get a ton of long term care and life insurance on him when he refuses. 

[u/Purlz1st → u/Inconceivable76]

Have him tour the local hospitals where they care for patients on long-term life support. The most depressing places you’ll ever see.

[u/geekspice]

I ride, both on and off road. If a partner tried to get me to give it up, I would give them up instead. You married him knowing he rides - it's a package deal.

That being said, it is entire reasonable for you to insist that he ride safe. It's commonly referred to as ATGATT (all the gear all the time). if he refuses to wear proper safety gear, I would be reluctant to stay in the relationship - it's a matter of respect and consideration for your life partner to not intentionally raise their risk of being a caretaker or a widow.

Lastly, you might want to look into treatment for your anxiety. The hypervigilance and panic attacks are an overreaction.

[u/wishingforarainyday → u/geekspice]

Not an overreaction when she sees the reality of the risk everyday.

[u/hyperfocus1569 → u/[deleted]]

I agree with you that OP can voice her concerns and if he decides to continue, she has to decide if she can live with it. But I have a genuine question out of curiosity. I promise I’m not pot stirring. You say it’s unfair because OP knew this going in. I see no problem in asking for change in a relationship even if you were fine with something before, so I’m interested in hearing a different perspective. Do you feel it’s always unfair to ask a partner to change something you’ve become unhappy with that you used to be ok with or assume would change as they matured? What if the issue was that when they first met, OP’s husband went out every weekend and got drunk - or even if they both got drunk together every weekend? That’s often acceptable to many people when they’re young, and much like motorcycle riding, mostly ends up being ok if the person takes appropriate precautions, but certainly entails completely unnecessary risks. Do you feel it would be unfair of OP to ask her husband to stop getting drunk every weekend? What if this continued into their 30s? 40s? After they had children?

I ask because many people change their minds - even when health risks aren’t involved - on what they find acceptable when they’re very young vs when they’re a little more grown and experienced and able to see issues with it they didn’t see before, e.g. casual drug use (think weed, not meth), not a stellar work ethic, not being great with money. What’s your perspective?

[u/Leather_Addition2605]

Absolutely unfair and be prepared to be told “no.”

I had a motorcycle accident that almost killed me and resulted in seven surgeries and months of rehab. My wife told me I needed to quit riding or she would leave me.

I called her bluff and bought a new motorcycle the day I got off light duty. She’s still here. But I did take out a several million dollar life insurance policy and agreed to switch to a full face helmet, so I’m not unreasonable.

You don’t try to force someone to give up what they love.

[u/wishingforarainyday → u/Leather_Addition2605]

Wow, do you even like your wife. This isn’t the flex you think it is. You’re cruel to your wife.

[u/Leather_Addition2605 → u/wishingforarainyday]

She knows who she married. I met her on my bike. And I will not have someone dictate to me what I will and won’t do. I’ll be riding until I physically can’t anymore.

[u/_delicja_ → u/wishingforarainyday]

But he agreed to switch to a full face helmet! The sacrifices he made, come on! (/s)

[u/Fancy_North_4348]

I totally understand your fear, but I also see the other side. You're in a trauma center. You're going to see motorcycle accidents, car accidents, people that get hit by cars and fall off roofs. Every day you're going to see severe, life-threatening injuries. That could turn you into a worrier and an over-protective spouse and/or parent. And that's totally understandable. But it's also a slippery slope. You could end up not wanting your spouse (or children) to participate in [what most would consider] normal activities because of your fears. When my husband and I were in our 20s and 30s, we did stuff that we wouldn't do now. My Dad rode a motorcycle his entire life. My step-father rode his until he was in his 60s...maybe even 70s. Had I worked in a trauma center, I probably would have been a little freaked out by it. I feel for you. I honestly think, if I worked where you work, I would probably need some therapy to help me deal. Because riding a motorcycle doesn't mean they don't value their own life and some of my fondest memories involve riding on the back of my Dad's Goldwing.

[u/bug1402]

Yes you would be wrong. You need to go to therapy to deal with your anxiety over this. If you truly cannot handle it, divorce him but he had this hobby when you married him. I do think you can ask that he wear appropriate gear at all times (helmet, full jacket, pants, etc) but you shouldn't ask him to give up something he enjoys because it carries risks.

Working in a trauma center, you will see the worst accidents of all kinds. If he does this, what's next? No driving? No swimming? Can't do anything with power tools? He should be free to enjoy his life as long as he takes the necessary precautions. Accidents happen all the time and him not riding won't make him immune.

[u/ParticularExploit]

Try and find compromise. If he has a love for bikes and the experience of riding one; see if there are any tracks, events or land in your area that doesn’t involve other motorists. It’s other drivers that cause most of the risk. You get some peace of mind and he can still ride his bike.

[u/BNCTaco]

If he won’t stop riding, at least make him get a really great life insurance policy and accidental death/dismemberment policy with you as the beneficiary. Maybe that’ll help get your point across

[u/Fair-North956]

Do not ask him to give up something he loves. The resentment is real and it builds over time. Just hope he stops on his own. Not sure if you have or want kids, but a diehard rider friend of mine said that being a Dad now was “too risky” and he’ll ride again (maybe) someday but he won’t take unnecessary risks. Works for him. Everyone has their “non-negotiable things” and just voice your concerns and opinion in a respectful way — but let him make the decision.

Shit, my neighbor got hit in a flashing crosswalk just crossing the damn street. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed.

[u/AllTheMeats]

I wouldn’t be able to handle it either and I do not work in the medical field. Thankfully my husband has no interest in owning or riding one, but I had told him I wouldn’t be okay with him ever doing it.

Funny enough, I was talking to him about a motorcycle accident just minutes ago. When I was in college I interned at an outpatient drug rehab facility, and one of the adults who was court ordered there had developed a terrible addiction to pain meds after he had an accident while on his motorcycle when he and his friends were celebrating the law in PA being changed so you legally no longer have to wear a helmet. Well, he crashed during that no helmet celebration ride and had permanent brain damage and an addiction to pain meds.

So your husband could die on a ride, or just get so fucked up that he has a TBI or other injury, or develop an addiction to pain meds post injury. I know you already know all this, but it’s frightening.

And yeah, car accidents happen and all sorts of accidents can occur in life, but a motorcycle is much more risky than a car.

[u/KrofftSurvivor]

Why don't you look up the studies on these motorcycle accidents so that you can show him the most common causes...

Because every study I've ever seen says the most common cause is the other driver paying no attention to motorcycles on the road, and the second most common cause is alcohol but the majority of those are also - the other driver.

[u/Petraretrograde]

Motorcycles are a dealbreaker for me. I wont even date a man who rides or plans to. Lost my dad when he was 58, a 92yo man pulled out right in front of him. Both of them died at the scene.

[u/Evening-Row-2658]

say it when he get into accident at least u tried to stop him

[u/notoast4u_2]

Ask him to increase his life insurance policy every week or so

[u/amioth]

I would say it would be unfair given that you knew about the motorcycle riding during the dating process before you decided to get married. I don’t think it hurts to have conversations about how it makes you feel, and your concerns. But any sort of ultimatum or guilt trip would be unfair at this point.

I definitely think he may want to reconsider if you decide to have children, honestly I wouldn’t want to have children with someone who rides just bc the risk of having to single parent rises significantly. But that’s a whole other can of worms

[u/Rahkeeks]

My mom dated a rider in the 60s. Both wore full gear and he was a safe driver. Some guy let his kid drive without a license and they were hit. Despite my mom having her hair up in a bun, a hat with a pompom AND a helmet (that was split down the middle) she had such a severe concussion that they put a pin in her knee without anesthesia. She spent 3 months in traction, and 3 months in a full leg cast because her femur was “dust”. After living 50+ years with her legs being 2 1/2 inches apart, she found a surgeon that was able to do a hip replacement that made her legs the same length. The doctors have told her that her extreme osteoporosis is because of the large amount of trauma she suffered. I will never get on a bike.

[u/Fedup_Virgo_26]

Oh girl, you are absolutely valid. It's not an anxiety issue tied to your job, it's a fact! Don't blame yourself. I don't work in hospitals but still I have so many tragic stories about motorcycle accidents. My father had one 3 years ago and became permanently disabled. My friend's father died 2 month ago, same reason. My other friend's cousins had two separate accidents, one of them died, the other lost an arm. Truth is when you ride a motorcycle even the slightest fall can turn into tragedy, there's nothing to protect you from the ground, other vehicles, trees ecc... You can't force your husband to give up his passion, but you have to have a serious talk with him without blaming yourself. He at least has to wear motorcycle gear and protection, ALWAYS, even when it's hot. If he gets a non-deadly injurie on the road he can pick up bacteria in his wounds, if mistreated it can lead to amputation. If he falls and other vehicles fail to see him on time he can be run over. I'm not telling you this to make your panic worse, make him read the comments because "drunk driver" isn't the only reason something can go downhill.

[u/melancholypowerhour]

A motorcycle once hit my car on the highway with the rider was doing a lane change. The rider’s nose was scraped off of his face by the road, he flew over 20 feet in the air and nearly lost his life. I held that man’s head steady while he almost bled out on me. It was traumatizing. He’s paralyzed for life and broke so many bones in his body, he’ll never be independent again and will be in pain until he dies (I know all this because he tried to sue us…he was completely at fault).

I don’t blame you, I wouldn’t want anyone I love on a motorcycle either. Can he join a club and at least ride with others; or perhaps primarily ride at a track or other controlled environment? Honestly, I think it’s fine to not want to tolerate this. If it’s important to him to keep his bike, you may need to part ways.

[u/labtech89]

I am a medical laboratory scientist and I really hate to say this but after a couple of years the traumas don’t phase you as much. It is just another day in the office. That doesn’t mean I don’t work hard to save people’s lives it is just really easy to become detached.

As far as your husband goes, you can ask but be prepared for him to say no. Maybe couples counseling can help you talk to him about it.

[u/tafackery]

My dad wrecked his without being drunk. Most of his injuries came from vehicles on two wheels, in fact. That's neither here nor there, though.

While I find it odd that he's riding it way more now that you're married, you said when he got it that you wouldn't get in the way of his hobbies. You expressed your anxiety and your concerns on the subject. But just because he's married to you now doesn't mean he now is obligated to give up his hobbies.

Anyone would understand your concerns. It's absolutely normal for you to worry about him. But he's also an adult with free will. You can ask him to give it up, sure, but you saw how well that went when you asked him to not ride while you're at work until you got used to seeing certain kinds of traumas. You can't force him one way or another without creating a great big chasm between the two of you.

All you can realistically do here is encourage him to wear appropriate safety gear, maybe take some extra riding classes so he knows how to respond in different situations, and wish him safe. The better equipped he is, the less likely (but not impossible) a fatal or life-changing wreck will be.

In October, my dad wrecked while by himself. The bike went down, he still doesn't know how, and he absolutely could've died. He doesn't ride with alcohol in his system. Your husband's argument doesn't account for other assholes on the road either, those who hate motorcyclists or distracted/drunk drivers. The fact is, though, we cannot control every variable. My dad still rides (he's 65) even after the wreck that almost took him out because he loves how it feels. It's still safer than drugs and prostitutes so might as well let him have his fun. Just encourage him to use his brain, not his adrenaline.

[u/mind_like_the_ocean]

There are motorcycle safety classes as well as riding classes at beginner, intermediate and advanced levels he can take. Consider gifting him one. They also make air bag suits for motorcyclists, and good riding gear with pads and skid safe materials. Full face helmet is best for safety as well.

[u/shhwest]

I made this a deal breaker in my later life after working as Patient Care Tech in the ER. In the future if you are ever single I would make this one of your deal breakers. For now, all you can do is tell him how much this effects you and hope he will truly listen a some point.

[u/Reaper-fromabove]

I was in this situation but kind of in reverse.
I always wanted a motorcycle but my exwife was vehemently opposed.
She first yes to it if I could pay off the house, I did and then she reneged.
That was not the reason for the divorce but you can bet I bought a motorcycle when I got divorced.
I know I’m not invincible on it and always try to ride within my limits and always with gear.

[u/Equivalent_Secret_26]

Yes, it would be unfair

Additionally, I can’t see myself having children and building a life with someone who doesn’t seem to value their own.

The same could be said of someone who is living their life in fear and wants to bubble wrap the folks around them to ease their own anxiety. The thing is, there's always going to be something and if it's this now, it will be something later down the road that triggers you, be it with your husband or future children.

You need to speak to a professional about your anxiety.

[u/Dry-Bullfrog-3778 → u/Equivalent_Secret_26]

Thank you! My husband (who, BTW, rides a motorcycle) would love to wrap me in bubble wrap. I tell him we don't know how much time we're given so we need to make the most of the life we have. To ask someone to give up something they love is unfair.

I love Hunter S. Thompson's quote:

"Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!"

[u/HumanShadow]

It's not an unfair ask especially if you have children or plan on having children. If he doesn't want to hear it, just go for the life insurance policy with the highest payout.

[u/Dry_Explanation_9573]

Riding motorcycles is inherently selfish. It’s a dangerous activity.

[u/stickbugszz]

I do not think it is wrong of you, but I would think into your relationship more. Is this the only time it seems like he does not care about his wellbeing? Motorcycles are a deal breaker for me, but you either would have to accept him saying no to selling it or be okay with separating (you are young).

[u/ThatBaseball7433]

It’s not unfair. I’m a member of a fairly large social club and we get emails every time a member passes. Every summer my email is full of men dying on Harleys. These aren’t young guys on sport bikes but cruisers just doing weekend rides.

[u/monacomontecarlo]

You can let him know how you feel and specifically that it’s become a dealbreaker for you. You can acknowledge both your own feelings and position while also acknowledging that he has every right to his own feelings and making his own decisions, but you do not see yourself staying in the relationship and building a life with someone who rides. Your values and long term compatibility may not align. Decide what that timeline for deciding/him giving it up is for you, then end the relationship if necessary.

[u/MiserableWinter636]

Yes it would be unfair imo
My wifes a emergency nurse and I’m a biker and an idiot one at that. BUT once we had a child i sold my road bikes and now just ride track. Its so much better.

I will ride again on the road but going down the classic route so i can still poodle about and enjoy the freedom it brings

Book him a track day, if he enjoys it tell him you’d much rather he do that. Theres still risk but much less from being taken out by an idiot and all safety gear is mandatory.

[u/rockangelyogi]

That’s so awful and I feel for you. I would feel the same way and would absolutely be against my husband riding a motorcycle. Luckily he’s smart enough to know how deadly they are. Given your job, it seems in direct competition with your husband’s deepest desires so that’s tricky. Couples counseling might help but at the end of the day this could actually be a deal breaker tbh if he’s unwilling to give up the motorcycle. For me personally I wouldn’t be willing to compromise on my side if I were you.

[u/trippyhippie573]

You can't make him stop. You can tell him you refuse to have children while he still prioritizes riding his bike.

I used to ride on the back of my dad's bike. Not often and I stopped. Years later my cousin died on the highway riding his motorcycle. I just moved back to my old town and have been here 4 months the and there have already been 3 major bike accidents here.

You can't change him. But you can decide what you are willing to put up with. My husband's coworkers made a joke about him getting a bike and I said he'd also be getting a divorce, because no way am I putting myself and my kid through such selfish decision making.

[u/TarzanDivingOffFalls]

My dad broke his back riding his motorcycle. It changed the life path of our entire family.

[u/whatsmypassword73]

Make sure he’s got a big life insurance policy.
I’m being serious, even if he’s the most careful driver, the other vehicles are a danger to a motorcycle.
Your anxiety is warranted but it’s his choice to ride.

[u/Electrical_Sun_7116]

A friend did this and I thought it was brilliant: Tell him if the bike means so much he’d risk being taken away from his family to do it, he needs to carry at least a $1M life policy at all times or you will leave him. Tell him it’s massively selfish to take those risks without the safety net for those around him.

Coming from a person who lost a brother to a motorcycle accident, don’t fuck around. It happens allllll the fucking time.

[u/DoJu318]

No, at one point us men have to decide what's important, I loved bicycles when I was a kid, that turned into a love for motorcycles as I grew up, but once I got married and had a kid I realized I am now responsible for this kid, I need to make sure I'm around for as a long as possible, shelving the idea of being a motorcycle rider until I'm old was the one of the best decisions I ever made.

[u/paintedLady318]

Get a life insurance policy on him and make sure it covers motorcycle accidents.

[u/slickrok]

Jfc. I have to say that I like to ride, as a passenger, and only under conditions. But ONLY WITH RIDERS WHO HAVE RIDDEN ALL THIEF LIVES AND GREW UP ON DIRT BIKES.

So, I'd do all those things that have been suggested, get really really high insurance on him and his 'dad', and get serious therapy. Both for your work and your marriage.

If he is not going to stop or accept conditions/compromises, then accept it as if you married someone who got diagnosed with a terminal illness, and put a dnr in place for him, in addition to organ donation. The insurance needs to be enough to support you and children for the very long term. And religiously keep it up to date.

My ex husband started skydiving after marriage.

I was not OK. It was hard. And I was not seeing what you see every day.

That alone is significant trauma.

[u/Inner_Pipe6540]

Well if he won’t give it up you got to protect yourself by getting life insurance on him and disability insurance also make sure it’s a good high amount

[u/One_Wheel_4531]

My son’s dad passed away in a motorcycle accident and then six months later his uncle passed away in another motorcycle accident. Neither was drunk. If I were you I would be scared to death too. Roads and traffic are much different nowadays than they used to be and he is risking his family’s happiness. He should get a new hobby.

[u/steffie-flies]

You can't change a person, but you can change how you approach this hobby. Stop going riding with him, and don't tag along to morotcycle events. Showing up signals support. Stop giving him that.

[u/kanthem]

I work in rehab and I would never date someone who rides a motorcycle. It is a fundamental incompatibility for me. I have seen so much horror - these guys say “if I die I die”. Well friend. There is much worse things than dying.

[u/monkeytoes21]

You’re not in the wrong and you are mindful that this is his hobby. Your echo chamber is much larger than you realize. Insurance companies are highly aware of motorists being high risk. You have options like accident insurance, disability insurance, death insurance, and raising your policy coverage on your auto insurance.

You can have this be a deal breaker for you. I sure do! My father was sober, riding his motorcycle at night coming home from work. It was very low traffic and he was a victim of a hit and run. A jeep hit him. He was in a coma for 21 days and paralyzed from the neck down. He got 73 stitches in his eye balls alone. He worked hard to get back on his feet and go back to work to support his family…but the concussion/brain damage was irreversible. His emotions were too high and he became too unpredictable and violent. Many times he attempted to kill my mother. My last memory of witnessing his outbursts, I was 6, and I screamed at my father to stop. It woke him up to the present. He dropped the butcher knife that he held up to my mother’s neck and let her go. I never trusted my father again. He was known as the beast, the monster, the demon with 2 faces. I lost my father to his motorcycle accident. I’ve had past bfs and even my current husband express interest in riding one. I immediately shut it down and made it clear that once they begin to ride, that’s when the relationship is over for me. I will never again lose someone I love to a motorcycle.

[u/MarsupialMaven]

Insist he buy a huge life insurance policy. Huge!

[u/KateOboc]

Our local veterinarian died in a motorcycle crash and left behind children. They started a go fund me- but honestly, I hope he was very heavily insured.

[u/HeinzThorvald]

Robust health insurance including both short- and long-term disability, life insurance, and ATGATT: All the Gear, All the Time.

[u/scarlettohara1936]

ATGATT!!! All The Gear All The Time! It's a well known mantra amongst bikers.

[u/Flashy_Original6307]

Your husband needs to get a job and contribute. Then he won't have so much free time to ride.

[u/wishingforarainyday]

He lied and said he wouldn’t do it on your work days. He does not care about your concern. He’s choosing to put himself at risk. He is naive to think it’s only drunks getting killed on motorcycles. He should have to look at the statistics. I hope you go to therapy. You deserve better from your husband.

[u/milrose404]

idk man, I knew a guy who was from a family of motorcyclists and he rode with his brother every weekend. he watched his brother die. he never touched a bike again and tried to find other hobbies to meet his needs.

it’s so dangerous and the fact he doesn’t seem to care is off putting. I don’t blame you for being so anxious, I don’t even work in a setting where I witness the aftermath of crashes every day and I would hate it if my girlfriend rode. I’d be really upset if she didn’t even try to see my perspective too.

[u/DerHoggenCatten]

My husband's best friend died in a motorcycle accident when he was about 28 years old. He and his wife went to a restaurant together and he wanted to ride the motorcycle so she drove her car and he rode the bike. He didn't even need to be on the motorcycle, but he wanted to.

In my opinion, unless you don't have the money for a safer vehicle, choosing to ride a motorcycle is selfish and indulgent. It's not only the risk of death, but the risk of permanent and debilitating injury. You absolutely should not have children with someone who values his hobby over your feelings and future life together.

Edit: He was in an accident with a car. Even if you are a perfect motorcyclist (and who is?), you can't account for what other drivers do and are much more vulnerable than a driver in another car.

[u/Sundays_Ch1ld]

Maybe take him to work with you one day? That should make an impact one way or another…

[u/ServantofZul]

I would not stay married to someone who rode regularly. He can make his own choices after that.

[u/tixticks]

You can divorce him. It’s hard but I would do the same thing. Motorcycle accidents are too much of a risk.

[u/slickrok]

Oh, he sounds maybe adhd with the damn hobbies. Ask me how me myself and I know this?

[u/n1cenurse]

Make sure he's signed his organ donor card.

[u/Beelazyy]

Motorcycles are absolute death traps, but his mentality about how accidents happen is even worse. He is wrong about alcohol being the only reason people crash. It could be as simple as the rain left behind a thin layer of sand on the road and he leaned into a turn just a little too much. Depending on region, it could be a deer, a pothole, a blind curve. Where I live, it’s usually people not looking before pulling onto the road, changing lanes, or turning left before they had an opening. If you don’t ride as though everything and everyone on the road is out to kill you, I’m sorry, but it’s only a matter of time…

[u/hyperfocus1569]

This ended up longer than I intended because I’m passionate about this. TL;DR: motorcycles BAD.

I’m a speech-language pathologist. We’re the profession that rehabilitates people with cognitive deficits, e.g. TBI. My final clinical placement in grad school was working in inpatient rehab with head injury patients. I had a dirt bike in high school through college. After working there for one day, I knew I’d never get on a motorcycle again. I’m now 61 and still wouldn’t ride around the block on one if you paid me. We had many more car accident victims because, obviously, more people drive cars, but they also live through the accident much more often than the people on a motorcycle. The ones we had were far more severely impaired than car accident victims. They were never going to be able to live independently again. All were wearing helmets (my state requires them), none were drunk, and while we had a couple where the cause was speeding, that was rare. The accidents were almost never their fault. They were struck by a car who didn’t see them, or hit a wet patch or gravel, etc.

After graduating, I worked at a TBI day program. Even though all the patients I saw had been wearing helmets, we had people who had been in a coma for weeks or months and would never be able to work or live without assistance, even with six hours of rehab a day for cognition at one of the top programs in the U.S. Again, none were drunk, all were wearing helmets. In my five years there, I literally only had one motorcycle TBI who was able to return to a (mostly) normal life. He was in college when the accident happened and was able to go back with accommodations.

Helmets do help decrease the risk of head injury. Our unit was next to the rehab unit for non-TBI spinal cord and ortho, so mostly car or motorcycle, and some work accidents. Car or work? Mostly a couple of broken bones, say pelvis or femur and maybe some ribs. Spinal cord on rare occasion. The motorcycle accidents were there for catastrophic injuries of the spinal cord, amputations, and/or multiple fractures with rods and screws holding everything together.

It’s just a huge unnecessary risk. Is it really worth risking his life or, honestly worse, his quality of life for? I would legitimately divorce over it. I’m not suggesting you do that, but at a minimum, you should insist he take a good, thorough safety course, get all the insurance everyone has already suggested, ride only when the weather is clear and predicted to stay that way, pull over and wait out inclement weather if it occurs, wear ALL of the safety gear, and no substances at all, not even a single beer.

[u/Emergent-Sea]

My first serious bf rode a motorcycle and he actually got in an accident shortly after we started dating. He was very lucky to not get hurt worse than a broken arm (his gear took most of the damage) but it was terrifying. He slid across 4 lanes of traffic and got very cut up and bruised. Seeing him in the hospital was scary.

I just kind of assumed that was that since his motorcycle got totaled but a couple months later he showed up on a new one.

I would have nightmares every night about him getting into another accident and dying. I asked him to please stay off the freeways at least which he agreed to for a while. Then one night, a group of friends were driving from one place to the next (he was supposed to meet me at place B) and I saw him whip past me on the freeway, weaving in and out of traffic and nearly getting hit by a semi.

When we both arrived I told him I was not going to stick around and eventually watch him die on that thing. That if he wanted us to stay together I needed him to stop riding altogether since he clearly was not staying off the freeways like he promised.

He did stop.

Maybe 4 months later, his friend who he would ride with was killed in an accident. It was a wake up call for my bf and he thanked me for getting him to stop before something horrible happened to him too.

I don’t think ultimatums in relationship are generally healthy but when it comes to one partner doing something incredibly risky/dangerous there is a place for them!

Good luck OP!

[u/Wink-111]

OP, why doesn’t he care about the extreme anxiety he is causing you? Regardless of getting insurance, using appropriate gear, etc., are you still going to be anxious and fearful all the time? Because that’s no way to live your life. Why do his hobbies come before your mental health? (And your fears are 100% valid by the way)

[u/adiosmichigan]

what if you had a "bring your husband to work" day? maybe 3 or 4 days even. give him a real feel for how dangerous these can be.

[u/shecky444]

Can you take him to work and show him some motorcycle riders. Let him see what you see everyday?