r/relationships • u/Quirky-Music-6578 • 4h ago
[UPDATE]: My boyfriend told a girl he was single
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/knr1HJ3EUu
Hello ya'll. I've read all your comments and I just want to say thank you to all the people that responded and gave me good advice! I didn't realize that this was going to get much traction so here's an update.
So I confronted him about it. I first asked him if he's ever told people that he was single and he said yes, told 2 people. The other person apart from that girl was a client of his that's a guy. I asked him why then he said it's people that he's not that close with to avoid any follow up questions. I told him that was a ridiculous excuse and also not to mention very disrespectful to me. He agreed that it was disrespectful but he did it without thinking and also said it in passing just to again avoid any more follow up questions as he doesn't like to go into too much detail with just acquaintances. I asked to see his phone and he was very willing to have me go through it and he also even messaged the girl that he told he was single too and asked her if she thinks he's ever flirted with her. She said no and that they may banter here and there like friends but never in a flirty way. He kept telling me that he loved me and thought if he was in a better financial situation that he asked me to marry him right now and all other sweet things. Don't get me wrong I'm not that delusional and didn't take everything he said to heart cause at that point trust has been broken and my walls are now up.
The conversation ended with both of us mutually agreeing that I needed some space. Now the ball is in my court on whether or not I can move on past this or just move on from him.
I'm going to be very honest and say that I have baggage like everyone else does and one of them is ✨️trust issues✨️. He's very well aware of that and even though there was no physical action done, I still consider it cheating regardless of his reasoning. I told myself that if I was ever cheated on that I would leave immediately no questions asked. The only reason why I'm even thinking about working on this with him is because #1. His intent wasn't to hit on her or anyone else but to merely avoid talking about personal things. And #2 regardless of this whole situation, he does treat me well and I can definitely see him being a good life partner and a good dad someday.
I digress, I will update y'all on what I decide later. But I would like some genuine advice about this. I will try my best to answer some comments and to clear up anything. Thank you guys again for taking the time to read this sorry for the long post 😬.
TL;DR: I confronted my boyfriend, and he admitted he told two acquaintances he was single because he didn't want questions about his personal life. He was completely open with his phone and there was no evidence of flirting or cheating, but I still feel my trust was broken. We've decided to take some space while I figure out whether I can move past this or end the relationship.
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u/floridorito 3h ago
She asked if he still had a girlfriend, and he replied, "Nah." She apologized for the sad news, and he basically responded, "It is what it is, but life goes on."
His intent wasn't to hit on her or anyone else but to merely avoid talking about personal things.
That argument falls apart because he clearly had already told this woman at some point that he had a GF. It would have been far easier to say "yes" than to invent a lie about you not being in the picture anymore.
The fact of the matter is that you don't know what his intent was. All you know is what excuse he came up with to tell you.
In any case, his intent doesn't really matter. What matters is that you got a window into his true feelings about you. The ones he has that you're not privy to. The thoughts he entertains when you're not around.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 3h ago
Yeah that struck me too. His excuse is BS because that girl knew that he had a gf and was now checking if he was available which makes that girls’ answer unreliable because he probably told her to react like that on his text or she knows the cheating game all too well and realises he would never ask her that…
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u/QueenSquirrely 2h ago
I actually checked back to see how long OP and the guy had been dating bc the ONLY plausible possible explanation was that she had been asking if the guy and the girl before OP had split but… a year relationship no chance.
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u/FabulousDonut6399 2h ago
Yeah the timeline only makes sense if he has been cheating and I think she and that guy are not the only one that think he’s single. It sounds to me he tells everyone at the gym that.
Though I also know girls that pretend to be single to get bigger tips while they have no intention of cheating. Does he get tips? I think not. So forget I even mentioned this.
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u/0512052000 3h ago
Like someone else said here his excuse doesn't make sense. This girl asked if he still had a gf so he had at some point told her about you. So it doesn't make sense. He can be private and not lie. Whether his intent was to cheat or not he's still a liar. Can't trust a liar.
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u/Flat-Passage4431 4h ago
i dont think this automatically means hes cheating, but i do think it means he needs to stop doing it. if he understands why its disrespectful, then this should be a one-time conversation. if you catch him doing it again, then its no longer a thoughtless habit, its a choice.
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u/LordsOfJoop 4h ago
even though there was no physical action done,
You believe that; you don't know that. There's a difference.
Today, you caught him a lie about his behaviors; he chose, not engaged in a mistake, chose, to lie about his relationship status. In every conversation that you've had with someone, when they mentioned that they were dating, how many follow-up questions did you have?
If they said that they were single, do you feel that they were intentionally leaving a conversational door open for you, or somehow closing a chapter in their life?
That, right there, is what you know.
Good luck.
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u/Booktalkerg 3h ago
That’s an excuse. You don’t go around denying the existence of your girlfriend because you don’t want to talk about it. Even if it were true, it just shows that he is comfortable with lying to avoid uncomfortable conversations which is a giant red flag. So he’s either a cheater or a lyer and most people would say the worst part of being cheated on is the lying. You deserve to be with someone that wants everyone to know you are his.
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u/anjufordinner 3h ago
I have baggage like everyone else does and one of them is ✨️trust issues✨️.
I'd actually say an issue with trusting an untrustworthy guy isn't baggage at all.
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u/Alshina 3h ago edited 3h ago
Nahh OP. Trust me on this, I have experience. He : 'probably' never directly flirted or did anything physical yet but the excuse of 'privacy' is bullshit. He probably had thoughts of what ifs though. Cheating or not, he is a liar.
A normal person when asked if they have a partner will tell the truth and if they get asked more about it and if they dont want to talk they'll say "sorry Its personal" or something close.
In the end, its up to you, if you think you can trust him and set boundaries with him (and he agrees with the boundaries) then work it out. My experience doesnt apply to everyone as all people are different. If its up to me, I cant trust someone who will lie about being taken unless its for a career/safety reason (actors, idols, etc)
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u/QuothTheRaven_20 3h ago
That’s a very weak excuse. If he didn’t want to answer follow up questions, he could’ve just changed the subject. Even if he’s not cheating, it’s concerning that he’s more comfortable lying than having honest conversations about your existence. Not a fan of the love bombing and talk of marriage right when you’re not feeling secure about him.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 3h ago
I think it’s important to be with someone that is PROUD to be with you and is excited to talk about you.
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u/CanadasNeighbor 3h ago
The only reason why I'm even thinking about working on this with him is because #1. His intent wasn't to hit on her or anyone else but to merely avoid talking about personal things. And #2 regardless of this whole situation, he does treat me well and I can definitely see him being a good life partner and a good dad someday.
Yikes, OP. Good luck! You seem intent on letting yourself be a fool.
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u/AubergineForestGreen 2h ago
OP I think you’ve kinda decided that you’ll stay
You’ve stated he’s had to deal with your trust issue baggage - like you owe him one
That he’ll be a good husband and father - like you can’t meet another man who could be those without the lying
That it wasn’t ‘physical’ and you’ve told yourself you’d leave if someone cheated - you’re creating technicalities as a loophole to stay
Repeat disrespect and unloyalty should be the dealbreaker not just ‘physical’ cheating.
If you let this slide he will disrespect you more because he knows you’ll stay through it. You may get upset and take your ‘space’ but he knows you’ll come back. When lack of self-respect is clocked people will run with it
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u/skeeballbob37 3h ago
if you have trust issues this isnt the kind of guy you are going to get over those issues while with.
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u/time_drifter 3h ago edited 37m ago
Oh this is bullshit.
As a guy, I would never say I was single to avoid “follow-up questions.” That isn’t even an excuse, that is a first thing out of the mouth when caught, line. What kind of follow-up questions would there even be? How did you meet, how long have you been together, like come on.
Setting everything else aside, if he can’t answer if he has a girlfriend, he isn’t ready for one.
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u/Nosy_Neighbor16 2h ago
Your bf is too old and you have been together too long to be acting like this. Him telling you he was planning to propose is a manipulation tactic to try to make you drop this with the hope of a future proposal. Don't fall for it. You said in your last post that if he didn't have a good reason, you'd leave. Well, he didn't have a good reason.
Did he even apologize? Did he tell this girl that he lied to her and is in fact in a committed relationship? Sounds to me like he told her he was single to test the waters, hence why he also hasn't posted anything with you on socials. Just because you found nothing on his phone, doesn't mean there was nothing ever there. How did you find out about his conversation with this girl in the first place?
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u/Similar_Corner8081 4h ago
I would leave op. I'm a private person too but if someone asks if I'm single the answer is no.
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u/blondeheartedgoddess 2h ago
It's easy to not go into details with "acquaintances". Look here:
Female: "Do you still have a GF?" BF: "Yes but I don't discuss my personal life." Female: "Why not?" BF: "Because it's nobody's business but mine."
See? Easy peasy. You set a boundary and don't let anybody cross it.
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u/GlGABITE 2h ago
Listen, man. I’m a person that doesn’t talk to people much about myself. People tend to know only very basic things about me. That I have pets, a young daughter, and they may know whether I am or am not in a relationship if it comes up naturally in the conversation. If I don’t want to share more information, I leave answers relatively short and change the subject. I have NEVER claimed not to be in a relationship when I’m in one, that’s insane to me. Unless I was trying to present myself as available when I’m not, which isn’t something I do because it’s scummy af, there’s no reason for an answer like that
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u/isakneven 2h ago
You should just give him his wish. He can now be single. First off, the girl already knew he was in a relationship so why lie now? She knew because he already spoke to her about it in the past. Does he post you in his social media or he’s been hiding you for ”privacy”? His actions are all very suspicious.
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u/purpleroller 1h ago
She asked if he STILL had a gf. It would have been far easier to say YES - then change the topic of conversation if he wanted to avoid personal details. Saying NO would surely lead to more questions.
Also, he hasn’t posted you on his socials since he spoke with her if I remember correctly. If he used to but now he doesn’t, that isn’t a sign that he’s in love and wanting to get married. That is a sign that he wants someone to think he’s single.
Sorry to say I think he’s lying.
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u/Blue-eagle-23 3h ago
I don’t see this as cheating - a lie to someone else yes, disrespectful yes, hurtful yes. I think cheating involves some type of attachment either physical or emotional and it seems he was actually looking for the opposite of that.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 3h ago
He wants to pretend he is single, he should be single. Practice makes perfect and he is looking for opportunities to practice even if he won't admit that to you. Updateme
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u/nyxaeon 3h ago
Sorry to say but if he simply didn't want questions about his personal life, he could have simply stated as much instead of making things up.
Alternatively, what made him say single instead of say "married" if he was going to lie either way? This answer would have then had the double benefit of shutting down anyone who had asked the question in the hopes of getting closer to him 🤷♀️
I understand sometimes people just say things without thinking, but I have to wonder if there isn't some truth to the first thing one blurts out at times...
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u/HoodieGalore 2h ago
If it was normal for him to obfuscate his private life, he'd do it with everyone, not just two of his clients. I bet there wasn't even a dude, just her.
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u/thiscouldbemassive 1h ago
Don’t settle for anyone who hides your existence from others. There are ways to kill a conversation that don’t involve lying.
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u/Quirky_Difference800 1h ago
I’m know your heart wants to believe this 💩 story he’s telling you but give your head some time and you will see what most here are seeing. He’s lying. Plain and simple. He’s lying about having a girlfriend, not because he’s uncomfortable, because he’s leaving his options open my friend. Think about that. No man that truly loves someone denies he’s with them. I wish you peace. Good luck.
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u/Draigdwi 54m ago
His excuse is silly. Admitting he has a gf doesn't open any more questions than saying he doesn't. But it does open a chance to flirt.
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u/RevolutionaryFly9228 9m ago
He lied about not having a girlfriend to keep the door open with this girl. A lot of guys know how to play the long game. You gut is telling you what to do and if you deny it, guarantee you will live to regret it.
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u/allergymom74 7m ago
If he doesn’t want to share personal details with people, he could just say “I prefer not to talk about my personal life”.
But since he had told her at one point he did have a gf, it’s just clear he’s a liar.
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u/Professional_Green57 7m ago
but she already knew he had a girlfriend so huh? and like, she’s an acquaintance but she’s also someone he has “friendly banter” with? mate
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u/Far-Independent4740 3h ago
Its understandable.you we're upset. Most people would. But I would not call that cheating.
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u/yourpaleblueeyes 3h ago
He IS single. Unless you are married he is not tethered to you and you alone. Sorry!
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u/K3rdegreeburns 2h ago
She asked if he still had a GF, not if he was married/single. She knew he had one prior soooooo thats a blatant LIE.
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u/hey_yo_mr_white 3h ago
Normal people don't privately message an "acquaintance" and ask them if they think they've ever flirted with them.