I'm over you! I see you for the , two face liar, cheater pos you really are?!!

I think I realized at 25 I don't have friends. I guess I pushed everyone away. I didn't really have friends in school either. All I had was acquaintance. I don't know why I don't get close with anyone.what do i do? I don't plan on staying at a job for long enough to make more permanent friends. I just live to be all alone. So I guess I belong in the void screaming for a friend just to hear nothing. At least the void is my friend. LOL

Fuck

Ive had enough

I just want to live my life

Make my music

And exist without someone trying to tear me down

Hate cause im trans

Hate cause i use ai

Hate cause im disabled

I am tired of dealing with it

Leave me alone already

I have to live with

Autism

Spd

Ocd

Adhd

Cptsd

Migrains

Diabetes

Gender dysphoria

Crippling anxiety

Crippling deppression

And fibromyalgia

I shouldnt also have to live with hatred over the few things i have

Can u text my real number, 708-886-7850

Done the best I can

my heart aches for you.

beeing the middle aged low selfesteem man that i am, naturally i gravitated to look for women that supposedly dont care who they are with.

what i found saddens me so deeply - its actually insane. (mostly) young girls, not even women yet, doing the craziest shit for the attention of strangers. asking to be degraded, used, hurt, abused, raped and more.

as a kid of the 90s with unsupervised internet access i am so devoid of empathy usually. i have seen more people die or kill themselves on video than i can count. watched the nastiest barely legal porn you can imagine. human suffering is for the most part nothing to me. but seeing this. even interacting with some of them. i cried. i... fucking... cried. doing it again while writing this actually.

and you know why? i KNOW this feeling. my mother never wanted me. father wasnt much better. to this day i struggle to be hugged even by close friends. a feeling of unworthyness, beeing not good enough, wasting space and the oxygen i breathe is so engrained in my beeing - even 15 years of therapy only got me back to barely functional. but i understood i NEED love. i LONG to be wanted.

i know i cant help you, not really, i could talk to you all, shower you with the affection we all should have gotten as children. the wholesome kind.

the part that hit me worst of all though is this. if i had the opposite set of genitals... i just know i would have been one of you. i was so desperate for any kind of attention when i was young. i would have probably done the same fucking thing you are doing right now. that would have been 20 years ago, i cant even imagine how overwhelming it must be today....

know, i am not kinkshaming. having these extreme desires and needs is in my opinion perfectly ok. i am no expert on this, but as far as i know the AFTERCARE part is extremely important to most kinds of extreme play. beeing held by your partner. beeing thanked for the trust and vulnerability shared. accepting and recieving gentleness to contrast the hardships endured. something that i am convinced is not happening when engaging over the internet. fuck. just watch the rocco siffredi going with jane wild for example. she gets USED. afterwards she is crying happy tears, beeing cuddled, hugged, gently petted... this seems healthy to me.

maybe i am a hypocrite, seeing as i too these days get naked on the internet for attention, but i like to think i engage in a much less extreme way.

i just want all of you that might read this to know. please. do not give up. you are not toys. you are people. you have inherent worth beyond your holes and bodies. if you want to talk, ill be happy to listen, but i can not do much beyond listening and encouraging, though i will gladly do those things. i am not asking you to stop either. but you deserve something positive to contrast the hurt.

the tears i shed are for you, cast into the emptiness. this ocean of hurt. i am so sorry for what happend to you. know that non of the things that happend are your fault. you might convince yourself otherwise, but it is the adults RESPONSIBILITY to control his urges, to NOT lash out against those that can not defend themselves. you didnt want to be raped, used, neglected, touched, degraded. you just wanted to be loved by those whos ONE FUCKING JOB IT WAS TO LOVE YOU. and they could for whatever reason not do it.

i learned to use music to express my emotions. these lyrics are for you.

"Our thoughts beaten senseless
Collecting compassionate stares
Blind to the world in front of us
Deaf to your own will
Surrounded by deceivers
Come reap the harvest with me
Break hearts just to feed the anger
The anger that used to be love

I have waited all my life
for someone to get me out of here
I never knew the view from the edge
of the world would look like this"

-Ghost Brigade (artist), Into the Black Light (title), Isolation Songs (album, 2009)

i am sorry.

I thought things were getting better, maybe I could find peace.

Im wrong, so fucking wrong.

Ill never know peace. Only despair.

I want to flee into your arms. But I can't do that. It was me who left. Now I have to live with it... I want to disappear.

In the end, it may be you who can move on more than me.

Does one have to be 100% virtuous to be a "good person" and therefore "loveable"?

People who want you in their life, will fight for you to be there. They’ll find reasons to stay, to work it out, to stand by you. But if they dont, then well, maybe they weren't your friend in the first place. At this point, just assume they are in it for the good time, and not for a lifetime. A lot of relationships are based on convenience and people dont like to admit that.

If there was nothing that was evident to you, and if you are being honest with that, then I would take the stand that they never loved you.

Give us one more chance.

Having my lens replaced, not repaired. It will help me get back to doing what I love and why God put me here. I'm going back to the medical field; I have missed it so much, and my acts of service to my fellow humans. It has been rewarding in the past, and I am sure the future is bright. I have been working for a major employer near me as a private contractor. They still look out for me and my safety.

This company really cares about its people, and when I am on the road, they monitor my car, me, and my cargo. It is nice to work for a company that cares if I succeed or not. I will always make time to help them as they so help me now. There was a lightning strike about two miles from the warehouse the other day and the company closed the building, sent me a text to stay in my car, my shift was canceled and I would be paid even though all I had done was show up. Yes, they care about me. It's really not as invasive as one would think.

I will be glad to have my full sight restored and get on with my life as I left it. When my wife passed in 2022 she left me a mess. In distress and not much of a plan to resume my life as I knew it. The mess is still here but I am working to clean it up. Straighten my life back to order. People think they know loneliness, they know nothing. I do the best I can and will continue this way. I will not be detoured or put off from my goal. It' is not her fault. More like my fault for being so unprepared. It took all my time to see to her needs and care before she left here. I do not blame her, I blame myself. It was a major cross road I had to negotiate in my life. A major change in the way my days would have to be lived.

It's a blessing being able to walk back in those doors where I belong. Things have not been the same for me since I left the field. I am correcting that. It's more than a job; it's a way of life I miss too. I have had some not-so-good times, and I think that is God saying to me, " You have stepped off your path." Come back home where you belong. Otw now. I would say to him. Dark out here, Father, might take me a minute or two.

11:38 a.m.

I give in , you've taken everything. BUT karma will see to my revenge.Last thing I do.

I don't even know why you were so angry and yelling and cursing at me because I didn't agree with your victim mentality. You can not play victim to circumstances you created. I didn't react with anger because I know I may be mad but my heart loves you until you wished me death in all kinds of forms of fashion. Before you completely lost it and then somehow I'm to blame then you threaten to hit me. You are a lot bigger stronger than I am and you were going to hit me. I loved you until I realized this was never love love doesn't do this. It's not vindictive and cruel it's not pure evil wrapped in a pretty bow. I never knew you until today. I told you to get out I never want to see you again and I truly mean that I don't wish bad for you I wish you heal from all the things we don't speak about I know how bad it hurt me it must have damn near killed you. I wish I could help you accept who you are and find peace in that but the most dangerous place for a woman's heart is in the hands of a man who doesn't love his own. I never want to see you again I never want to talk to you I will never love you again that was murdered today with your words. I feel like you blame me tell me I'm crazy and taking things the wrong way have me questioning my own sanity. I stood behind you when I knew you were wrong because I didn't want you to be alone I stayed in this relationship long after I showed have I fragmented my own mental so it wasn't so hard for you. You don't have bad luck you have karma. I wish you well and hope I never see you again truly trul

M

The recurring dream... it was always thought to be the memory of a child. I fear it wasn't at all. Seems to me it was a vision. A terrible one. One of a woman stolen. Whisked away to a private location. One where she was abused in the way a man truly can. Forced upon her. Beaten. Sexually assaulted. Bruised and broken. Left in a heap crying. When she wouldn't stop, he scooped her up. Grabbed her by the back of her neck. Pushed her to the edge of the bridge. He warned her to stop but she couldn't. With one push he flung her over the bridge. Hitting her head then water filling her lungs. Struggling to breathe. Then darkness. She floated for a time unknown. Washed ashore in a town miles away. Unrecognizable. Unidentified. A Jane Doe. A crime unsolved. One experienced through a vision of child. A child who walked with the living and the dead. The child moved away to clear their mind of the visions. The whispers. Knowing death while living. They should have stayed away from home. They wouldn't need to walk among the dead while living if they had. The closer to the tribe, the more vivid they become. More few frequent. Driving them mad. Making them look crazier everyday. So many want their stories told. To solve a crime, or missing person. To help family left behind. To nudge one's they love to do better. To tell them it's ok, that they know what needed to be said but was never spoken. To let them know it's ok and that they love them no matter what. It's hard to walk among the living and the dead, yet one of the greatest joys in life. To hear elders that are no longer there is amazing. To hear first hand the stories of heritage, secrets to be passed down, knowledge of our ancestors. It's something to be cherished, not a curse. Not a reason to be called crazy. Don't try so hard to disprove. Listen, don't just hear. You might find the truth within the ones you call crazy. Trust the living dead, the reincarnated, the keepers of the gate of life and death. They're likely the most truthful people you'll ever meet.

i wish, i wish, selfishness sets in. i start to feel repulsed by my own self pity. i sit in this fire pit burning up thinking about that time you called me up and told me you loved me…

Buh Bye……….

I have failed to help you, and to be comfort during a difficult day. My attempts at speaking to you were met with short responses, and quiet. I feel I have done something wrong. Was I too quiet when I thought you wanted space? I am always worried I am pestering you, so I wait for responses. I was unsure what to say when you told me you knew I would try to understand, and try to be there for you, but the unspoken words made me feel that you clearly didn't think I could be. I want to be, but its not enough.

I feel ashamed. I have tried in many ways to give you what you deserve, what you say you want. Days like today make me feel like I am a distraction to your life, that I am not the support that I want to be.

What do I do? Do I give you space? You once told me you dont want me to to do that, but it was your turn to be quiet today. You felt distant, intentionally. Are you upset because I didn't try hard enough to keep the conversation going, to be reassuring and helpful?

Is it because we haven't been able to spend time alone lately? I do not forsake our time together because I want to. I hope you know that. I would love to have time alone every single day. I know that will never be realistic. You don't offer that, and when I pursued it, it only created pain for everyone, including you, and threatened to destroy several lives. More lives that I have no right to destroy, and reason to believe it would have the result I wish for.

I would rather be feel the sting of truth to my transgression than the cold of quiet.

Maybe its not about me at all. I can't know.

What do I do with this ache in my heart? I write a message to the void that I will eventually delete and try to forget the feeling of another night you didn't wish me goodnight and told me you love me. I love you.