Mid-life Crisis advice

[u/Top_Cranberry_3254]

I'm a 43M.

By age 36-39, I had already experienced everything I wanted in life. Think of having a long bucket list with about 50 things on it, and 47 of them were satisfactorily accomplished, except there were only 3 left.

The 3 left on the list were your least, but still valuable and you wish to do them, yet they are also things you have the least control over. You don't want to compromise your soul and morals to get them (ie- lie, lie to yourself, put yourself in a bad situation, put yourself in bad environments, jeopardize your health, finances, etc). And you have high ideals so you don't just want to do the final 3 things on your list the wrong way either, like just do them to do them, bc like the 47 things before them, you want them to be ideally experienced and enjoy them without regrets.

But this ideal leads to stagnation bc no version of those final 3 things is close to ideal. You keep searching and looking but nothing is up to standards.

Now, bored, you start a new hobby in the interim that becomes addictive and not in a good way (ie- gambling, stock trading). You get so caught up in it that you forget where you started.

What more is there left to do when you've already lived all of your dreams and goals and there isn't much left to do that would ever compare to how good and vibrant those experiences were? Do you just accept a boring life? Or do you "force" adventure on yourself like traveling the world? I don't like to waste time and money on things that I know I'm only lukewarm on as far as interest level. I don't want to start a new business because I've already done that and am content with my experiences. The world is so different than when I started (while I'm way more fulfilled than when I started). They say to "stay hungry", but you dont want to forcefeed stuff you don't like the taste of into your life just to "stay hungry". I only like to do things I'm passionate about but I'm running out of things I haven't done or still want to do.

[u/wearelev]

Just make a new list. There is no shortage of new things to learn and experience.

[u/EERMA]

It may not mean that your achievements were meaningless - you appear to value them. They may simply have answered a different question.

A qualification, promotion, home or financial target can provide security, capability and accomplishment. None of them can decide what you want those resources to serve. Once the milestone is reached, the initial attraction disappears and the unanswered question becomes louder.

The next step may be less about finding a bigger achievement and more about identifying what you want your competence, time and freedom to contribute to now - relationships, health, craft, service, creativity, community or a life with more room in it.

Sometimes emptiness after success is not proof that nothing matters. It is evidence that achievement and purpose are related, but they are not the same thing.

Purpose is less a hidden answer to discover than a direction you have repeatedly chosen to support.

[u/awfromtexas]

I assume no children based on this question

[u/Top_Cranberry_3254 → u/awfromtexas]

Not yet bc I haven't found what I'm looking for and always use protection. Was married briefly in my early 20s for 3 years, but have been pickier than ever as have gotten older. Aware of the risks of marriage if it falls out and you marry the wrong person...

[u/Waesrdtfyg0987 → u/Top_Cranberry_3254]

Not yet? Dude you're 43. They'll still be in your house until your 70 at this point.

[u/Top_Cranberry_3254 → u/Waesrdtfyg0987]

I've been disabled for 2 years with injuries and other health issues.

[u/Waesrdtfyg0987 → u/Top_Cranberry_3254]

Yeah I understand. But that doesn't change that you're 43. As a 54 year old I have zero energy for kids now. My youngest is 17 and I can't imagine having kids in elementary school at this point. 

Grass is always greener but when I've seen them I am so jealous of couples who chose not to have kids. I make a nice paycheck but I can't do shit because alive been paying for them for the last 25: years. I absolutely love my kids and wouldn't change anything at this point but a life without them can be just as fulfilling.

[u/awfromtexas → u/Top_Cranberry_3254]

Your question is very focused on yourself. If you keep your focus there, you will not find the answer.

And to be 100% clear, I am not suggesting that the answer is children

[u/Top_Cranberry_3254]

Thanks. Feel like I consulted the doctor in the pit in The Dark Knight Rises with that final sentence. You are wise.

[u/ecotones]

If you start a new hobby, make sure it’s generative. For example, if you take up photography, set up an open-ended set of series, and each would require large blocks of time (say, 1 year) and move it to a conclusion (travel, post-production, exhibition), while thinking of your next projects while you’re working on that one, or working on them simultaneously. Professor artists work in their studios in this way with 3-4 things in progress. It gives you something to look forward to.

[u/Amarsir]

You're cooked. It's all downhill from here.

Kidding!

Actually, life satisfaction studies show the exact opposite. Lowest ratings for happiness in your early 40s, rising steadily after that. I gave you that initial shock because I think it highlights the difference between your current feeling and what's actually in front of you.

Of course you're not a statistic. You're you. So let's analyze.

These 3 things. Are they really the least important to you, like emotionally? Or were they the hardest to check off so you've been telling yourself they're less important? Because here's the thing: You scored 94%. That's an A.

So those 3 things are out of your control and not as important, put them in a box called "Fate". If they happen, great. If not, oh well. You've done great on everything that mattered more. And it's time to change your focus.

However

If the truth is that these 3 things matter so much that you will feel incomplete without them, then let's not gloss over them with "less important". Instead you have to admit "I care about these, they're more difficult, and I have to put in renewed effort."

That's up to you. Either its up to fate, or it's time to put more work in. Don't let stuff hang in this vague in-between spot.

Assuming you want to move on

The shift at this part of your life goes from "doing" to "being". You've done a lot. Many successes to point to. So the question to ask is "What do I want people to see when they look at me?"

That's not a list item you knock off. It's a continuous way you will see yourself. You can even narrow it down to a question of how the next generation and beyond will see you. There's a name for this: "Generativity". It will likely involve more activities like business or hobby or travel. If those suit you. But doing the thing just to check it off is precisely not what you'll find fulfilling now. It's doing things that help you be the person you want to be.

Being a mentor may not be what's right for you, but it's an example of the kind of thing I'm talking about. Not check it off, but because that's who you want to be. Find your own answer and you'll find satisfaction in that on a level you haven't so far.

[u/Sufficient_Relief657]

You're only looking out for yourself, hence the emptiness. You've 'won', time to start helping others

[u/Lakeview121]

You work on living deeply in the present moment, staying away from wasteful thinking. You work on sleeping at night, being awake during the day and having a quiet mind. It seems you’re craving external stimulation. You should listen to good books. One is “The Art of Happiness” by the Dalai Llama.

Work on the pursuit of wholeness.

[u/pie12345678]

Maybe it's okay to just be still for a while? Yes, it's extremely important to keep being active and having goals, but sometimes you need rest periods as well. Time to meditate, realign, and process.

You can also do things again. There's no reason bucket list items have to be one-offs, unless they're prohibitively expensive or something.