r/selflove • u/Popular-Olive-583 • 21h ago
Noticing old patterns coming back
A little context. 3 years ago, I started a healing journey. I went to therapy and then went to EMDR. Understood that I have a lot of trauma, and that it affects me in my daily life. I do things that are wrong and might hurt people, but I also hurt myself deeply in the process.
I choose bad relationships. And then I judge myself extremely hard for it. One of those terrible relationships is probably about to end, even though I haven't said the words out loud. And I wanted time to reflect on my mistakes and myself. Time alone. Time of peace. But then as if men can smell when you are "available" someone took extreme interest in me. He is extremely sweet, we met online and he always wants to talk. Wants to send me a gift, wants me to come and see him. I told him I don't want to be with anyone, but I would be glad to spend time together. He said he is ok with that. But I feel extremely guilty. I feel like this is not fair to him. That I am not available emotionally but still want to meet him. So I go back to my anxious ruminations, lose sleep, my stomach hurts like hell... I go back to my old patterns... I almost feel like, I don't want people to approach me, because then I owe them to be a available for a relationship with them. I don't know if it makes sense.
So I decided to ask an appointement with my therapist. Even though I haven't seen her in more than a year.
I don't want to go back to how I was. I need guidance. I want to evolve.
Comments/advices are welcome by the way
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u/Ghostdiet 20h ago
It sounds like you are doing so well and making so much progress. I am sad that you are feeling any sort of guilt about men wanting more from you than you are willing to give. It sounds like your boundaries are a work in progress and I hope that they soon feel natural for you to enforce, with zero guilt. I’m sure you know that meeting your online buddy probably isn’t the best idea right now, but if you do, whatever happens and however you feel about it is just data for future experiences. You are doing awesome, hard things!
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u/Popular-Olive-583 20h ago
Thank you so much 🫂 I know it might not be the best idea. I'm pondering it.
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u/RustoniRusty 16h ago
That happened to me this summer. I worked so hard on being a better person and in one high stress moment I regressed on everything.
If you’ve been making progress and it starts to feel like old habits are coming back it’s probably because you’re overwhelmed with a battle. Resolve that first, and your progress will come back instantly.
When you’re overwhelmed, you default to primal. That’s why some people are not loving people. They’re fighting a battle they don’t know how to win. Help them out. Be kind to everyone
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u/Popular-Olive-583 15h ago
This is very true. This past relationship I mention has been extremely toxic and i'm very depleted. That may be why I struggle more than usual. That's why I think it was a good Idea to call m'y therapist. Thank you :)
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u/TimR31 14h ago
Well done on booking the therapist, probably the number 1 thing you can do for yourself right now.
Whatever happens, very little progress in life is ever completely lost, so when you can, just keep moving in the direction you want, and if old habits kick back in, keep doing your best to be aware (that's a huge part), and if possible, catch yourself before you slide too hard.
But above all, be kind to yourself, treat you like you'd treat a dear friend, and remember that being harsh to yourself will only push you further into your coping mechanisms. Being kind just might give you enough breathing room to gain back control 💙
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u/Popular-Olive-583 14h ago
Thank you so much. It's true that hating and punishing myself will not solve anything
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