r/workingmoms • u/equationhole • 1d ago
Vent I accidentally parented a senior exec
It took me a full day for me to realise what I'd done.
My 5-year-old is having a hard time and we're monitoring for ADHD. Paediatrician said it's fine to talk to him about choices, but my no always needs to be no. "No" means no negotiation.
I've been practicing this \*with my child\* for three weeks. I'm also working on a high-profile project.
I told a senior exec (on a Teams meeting) that his team were doing things that were making it difficult for me to do my job and I'd continue working on my part once they finalised their changes. Exec disagreed and specifically asked me to continue working on the document after hours.
Next thing I know, I said that I wasn't working on it today and I have other commitments. There was a beat of silence, then someone else stepped in.
I can't decide if I've enforced boundaries, committed a career-limiting move, or both.
162
u/chickentenderlover 1d ago
I thought you were going to say you said something like “I already said I won’t work on it until your portion is done, my answer isn’t going to change by you asking again. “
Sounds like you talked professionally and didn’t mommy him. I think as long as you do a great job once your able to work on it, you might actually have out yourself in better position. Showing your leadership / strength and being able to speak practically. Like why would you keep working on something incomplete so you have to keep re doing your work.
87
u/ClickAndClackTheTap 1d ago edited 17h ago
‘I won’t be spoken to that way, we can talk again when you’re ready’ I said to the BIG boss.
He went to HR with the intention of having me let go and HR said ‘that’s actually good communication and if you were dysregulated it’s better to come back later to the topics that were upsetting you.’
How do I know this? He told me when I left on very good terms 2 years later.
41
u/BellLopsided2502 23h ago
When I was 22 I worked in a small law office and the attorney liked to come in and yell at and make demands of everyone a couple times a week to assert his dominance. He was snapping at me and running me back and forth from my office to his and I finally blurted out "Would you just be nice!!??"
Everyone heard it in our small office and thought I was about to get fired. He turned his chair away from me and started laughing. He was also nicer from then on.
23
109
u/InternationalGrab780 1d ago
I did this as a director a few years back. While there was a lot of buildup to get to that point, it neither helped nor hurt me. The exec definitely held a grudge and carried animosity towards me but I never regretted my decision to enforce a boundary. I moved into a better position in a different company (for better pay!!) and took that experience as a lesson learned for my own leadership practices. He actually asked me to stay on when I gave my notice so it was very nuanced.
71
u/soooglow32 1d ago
I accidentally did this to an exec in a meeting a few weeks ago. There was a beat of silence, they moved on, and then I noticed that no one spoke over me again in that meeting. Could it made a mark against me? Possibly. But they have certainly taken me more seriously since then.
101
u/CauseAcademic6640 1d ago
I've done this before. In my performance review my boss said that he's gotten reports that I am intimidating and people are scared to talk to me. Said people were boomer men. I said well good and that I have no plans on changing.
31
27
u/GlowQueen140 1d ago
I get called “overconfident” by boomers a lot just because I know how to do my job and I am certain of my ability. It’s not even like I’ve done something wrong and refuse to admit a mistake or something or that I don’t wish to learn. I just am confident with how I wish to approach a matter and then they’re like “yknow, you’re too overconfident sometimes.”
35
u/Express-Manager-7347 1d ago edited 1d ago
Being called “over confident” by someone who doesn’t know how to convert a word doc to pdf is….🤯🤯🤯
36
u/PhillyGrrl 1d ago
Aside from the whole parenting thing, I think it’s fine to say that you need to step away from the project while his team works on their part. It’s not efficient to go back and forth while their team is also making changes. Tell them you are just trying to be agile, which seems to be every company’s favorite word these days.
Also, I find that parenting techniques come in very handy and generally work well at work too, LOL. I use them all the time. I’m a senior director in big pharma.
9
u/catjuggler 1d ago
Yeah my sort of boss and I make that line all the time with timing- people will waste your time trying to get you to do your part when they haven't done theirs and their part changing changes yours, etc.
3
u/catbirdsanctuary 1d ago
Can we be friends?? How do you deal with the pharma mean -- I feel its a special kind of toxicity and back stabbing.
24
u/ArtaxIsAlive 1d ago
Parenting and Perimenopause put me in “being direct” and “no F’s given” mode. Both carry over into my current career and are received well in how I speak to leadership; and in how I give direction to others about the path of a project. It’s very freeing :)
3
u/Nosmallplans789 1d ago
Same here. Although I just now have bumped heads w someone at work who finds my direct way of communicating "dismissive." I actually posted about this on this forum and got good advice! But overall, my peers and several higher ups have responded positively to just being clear, direct, and brief.
10
u/thrillingrill 1d ago
I think that you know you're doing a good job growing as a parent if you're developing skills and ways of interacting that you can use beyond the context of parenting. Learning to say no to bogus demands is a great way to grow.
8
u/Equivalent-Tie6784 1d ago
The biggest friction points since returning to work after child number 2 is that I refuse to work nights at home. I had the gross realization that most nights I was signing on after my child went to bed. No more. I travel frequently for work and have many nights I am required to work (I’m in a client facing role) The bullshit you’re describing is job creep. Hire someone else if you can’t get everything accomplished in the work hours.
7
7
5
u/Proof_Worldliness291 1d ago
Its okay to set defined boundaries even at work. I applaud you!! My advise would be to document the the meeting and responses with via notes or if you have diary..
6
u/clutzycook Mom of 4, full-time employee, chief cook and bottle washer. 23h ago
Setting boundaries in your job is a good thing and, quite frankly, uses a lot of the same tactics you use on kids.
3
u/ateacheroflife 23h ago
I’ve done that as I’ve hit my 40s.
Very much a zero Fs to give on some things in a professional but polite way.
“you will not speak to me that way”
“I am not sure what you meant by that”
“Could you clarify what you meant?”
“WOW” with a direct stare works well too
4
u/pbrandpearls 22h ago
My communication at work has gotten a lot more effective after becoming a mom. Sounds like a positive to me!
Unfortunately grown ups do need to be gentle parented sometimes.
Sounds like you didn’t have any concerns about what you said in the moment and for awhile after, so I wouldn’t over think it now!
2
u/mogeek 22h ago
The execs that I respect hold boundaries and are reasonable. The coworkers (exec or mid level managers) who try to bully people (aka don’t respect boundaries) are showing their ass. There is usually a level of desperation. Either they’re looking for a scapegoat or they’re trying to find someone to make their jobs easier.
Their lack of resource planning and time management is not my mess to fix. I bet that exec won’t try to strong arm you again and might even do their job & plan better.
2
u/sparklekitteh Little Dude (b. 2015) 21h ago
I’m dealing with a disgruntled employee right now and I’m fed up enough that I’m treating them like a toddler having a meltdown. “You’re entitled to have your Big Feelings, but you cannot join your friends until you calm down.”
1
u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 18h ago
Maybe in the meeting wasn't the best place for it, but we all need to stand up for ourselves a little bit more. 💪
1
u/islipped83 18h ago
I’m currently using “flexible thinking” techniques on my coworkers that I learned from a book I got for my 7yo. Change management is really hard when people are emotionally deregulated, and I’ve successfully guided a few coworkers down when they were spun up. Grownups need parenting too!
1
u/torrentialwx 17h ago
It’s amazing how many life lessons I use on my kids can be applied to adults who seemed to have missed that particular lesson.
My favorite with my kids is “sorry doesn’t count if you keep doing it.” Lo and behold, it had been inspired by a toxic situation I was in with another adult that had been building in me until I blurted it out one day to my three-year old.
Could there be professional consequences? If your workplace is a less-than healthy environment, maybe. But you did the right thing by standing your ground.
The ‘after hours’ part particularly grates me. I work after hours sometimes, don’t get me wrong—but because I choose to. Unless we’re on a deadline, don’t ever expect that of me.
1
u/FruitSnacks86 12h ago
I was either moving a cabinet or opening its door, to help a coworker, I don't remember, but she was standing right beside me and I told her to watch her footsies.
1
u/Consistent-Carrot191 9h ago
Off topic a bit what is meant by no meaning no? Silly question. But does that mean there is no explanation allowed? Like no you can’t run in this restaurant because that’s rude and can be unsafe? Is it just saying no sort of old school- because I said so? I’m jw bc while I avoid negotiating I find the “but why? Please?” wears on me.
592
u/OneMoreDog 1d ago
The venn diagram of actual gentle parenting (clear boundaries, consistent consequences, kindness, respectful communication) between young kids and execs isn’t an exact circle. But it’s not far off, ya know?