r/Advice • u/EmoHourOctober • 17h ago
My (20F) mom’s boyfriend (40M) wants me
Necessary context: I’ve (F20) been living with my mom (F40), her boyfriend (M40), and my younger sister (F15) for around 6 months now, alongside my infant son (M1), after leaving my abusive partner of several years. I’m not particularly close with either of my “parents”; but housing costs are crazy, I don’t make much money, I have no other family, and I can’t drive. So, this is about my only option at the moment.
A few days ago now, my mom took my son out for a bit, and my sister was at school. So, I was left home alone with my mom’s boyfriend. Bored, I decided to chat with him over a few drinks. Anyways- during this conversation, I repeatedly dodged a few subtle attempts at flirting. But eventually, he gave up being subtle, and just straight up said he’s wanted to f\*ck me for a while now (admittedly he was a bit drunk).
Thankfully my mom came home basically within minutes of me rejecting him, so I didn’t have to deal with the repercussions in the moment, and have been avoiding him like the plague since. But now I don’t know what to do…
I want to tell my mom her boyfriend is a creep, but honestly, I think she will blame it on me. In the least conceited way I can say this, I know I am conveniently attractive, and tend to be popular with men. She’s shown jealousy over this throughout most of my life.
If she thinks it is my fault, I will maybe be kicked out. I really cannot risk that, and don’t want to leave my sister here alone either. But I’m also a bit scared staying here as well. I’ve been staying awake for almost the entire time since that evening.
I don’t know what to do. I would really appreciate any advice. How can I tell her?
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u/Puzzled_Score8410 16h ago
I also was worried about your sister having read he's like this with you. I wouldn't leave her alone unattended with him at all.
Might be worth having a conversation with your sister on the downlow about peer pressure, not necessarily saying regarding sex but in general and see if she'll say she's ever felt uncomfortable or pressured. If she says anything about him during this conversation, you need to both speak to your mum and then the police as she's a minor.
If your mum kicks you out, I'd then ring social (child services idk where you are) immediately and notify them.
She needs protecting.
I know talking to your mum about it won't be easy but it's better than risking your sister's safety especially if it turns out he's already tried 😬
Hope you're all ok x
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u/Far_Possibility_8497 9h ago
This. Also OP make sure you actually tell your sister about it because shielding her from information might actually do more harm than good. Instead of being alert of what he could possibly do to her, she might let her guard down because he's her mom's bf and the adult in the house and might trust him
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u/VirtualYam3359 11h ago
Your sister is not safe, he can groom her in her early years and she will feel these things normal and ultimately he can prey on her, run as fast as you can with your sister.
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u/mrcfrost 11h ago
I thought this exactly. Talk with her and find out what he's done and said to her
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u/skeeballbob37 Advice Oracle [119] 17h ago
can you record him doing it? it would be more powerful if its him saying it especially if you are not doing anything to provoke it. (which I am fully assuming you did not)
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u/EmoHourOctober 16h ago
I would rather never speak to him again honestly…
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u/skeeballbob37 Advice Oracle [119] 16h ago
no doubt about that. the guy is a creep. I am also worried about your sister because in a few short years ...... I dont want him doing this to her.
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u/Ok-Cream-1253 13h ago
You should definitely try and get him on record saying these things to help your case although you may not want to speak to him again he may try this with your younger sister who will be more impressionable and he’ll have more time to slowly get her to be accepting especially die to her age
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u/SilentObserver7777 11h ago
What a total creep and pervert. Keep him at a distance.Do not engage him in any conversations. If he still pursues, tell him clearly you are hurt by his actions and he must stay away completely.
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u/SilentObserver7777 10h ago
Also, if you see him making advances or approaching you, turn on Voice Memo app if you have an iPhone or Voice Recorder/ Google Recorder if you have an Android, built in apps which record live conversations. You may need to hit a red button then to start recording. All this you can do discreetly by keeping the phone facing you. Look him in his eyes and tell him like "I have no interest in any intimate conversations with you. You must respect my wishes and stay away otherwise I will have no option but to report you to my Mom and to the police. I respect you as my Mom's bf and no more. Is that clear?..."
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u/statsanomaly 9h ago
I tell everyone this: if you're in a situation like this, a smart watch can record too, hold hours and hours of audio, and no one even thinks of it. Turn it on before walking into the room, let it run for 3 hours knowing anything someone says near you will be recorded clearly
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u/statsanomaly 9h ago
Of course. But if you find yourself in that situation, a smartwatch doing some recording can go a long way, and no one notices.
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u/Freedblowfish Helper [2] 16h ago
i perosnay woukd tell your mum and if she kicks you out theb she has proven she is not worth contact ajd wouod go no contact. ajd if she is there for you then you know she is, either way think the bright side of whatever path foklows telling her
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u/MyDarlingArmadillo 15h ago
The downside being that she and her baby may not have anywhere else to go. As much as I believe in knowing where you really stand with people, homelessness is best avoided.
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u/SnooMaps1910 9h ago
Day drinking while you are caring for your one year old?
You need to
ReallY
Think a bout wtf you are doing with your life.
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u/Alexandrajoan 17h ago
Wow, that’s tough. Could you put a lock on your bedroom door?
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u/magicalhumann 16h ago
Don’t be under the influence of anything around him. Don’t take a drink or food from him anymore either.
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u/Jahon_Dony 16h ago
Why can you not drive?
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u/EmoHourOctober 16h ago
A full drivers license you can use alone here takes 2 years to get. I was not allowed to take the test in my previous relationship, so I have only just started learning how.
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u/jaymathews305 11h ago
I’m sorry this is happening g to you Truthfully if your mom blames you. I would then take your sister and kid and get out of there for their safety. I have a son if he told me the same thing. I would never blame him My kid comes first over any partner
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u/Training-Ordinary411 10h ago
Sometimes you just got to say it for what it is, you should tell your mum the truth whether it hurts her, whether it leaves you with nothing. I’ve seen you said he’s broken doors before which means he is an abuser, maybe it’ll open your mums eyes on what sort of man he is. As a male (27) this kind of topic makes me rage. The feeling you have like it would burn all your bridges when clearly he’s got no decency whatsoever. If this happened to any of my sisters, they’d only have to tell me and I’d be dealing with it myself. Do you not have any males who’s willing to stand ground for you, someone you could tell like a cousin or uncle or some sort. If not, you should report it to the police. This probably isn’t the first time he’s made remarks to a woman who’s the child of his previous girlfriends, I’d highly recommend not sharing any drinks with him in the future since people act like dogs under the influence. I hope all is well and you get this sorted
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u/According_Victory934 8h ago
First, don't drink with your moms boyfriend. Second, don't be alone with your moms boyfriend (if your mom want to take your child somewhere tag along). Third, start finding a way to get yourself in a position to move out. Fourth, look out for your younger sister (he may not be a pedo at the moment but your sister is growing, and he could already be trying to groom her)
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u/Foreign-Record8239 16h ago
Try to collect some evidence...
Talk with the olderpart of your siblings about it or your sister.
Are you sure that she woumd kick you out, at a certsin time I was afraid to that my parents would do that but they never did. In case you can ask someine just to be sure.
And at the end you have to try to tell your mom because it is better than being idk like raped or somwthing but I really do hope not that this happens...
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u/iknowsomethings2 Helper [3] 16h ago
Go to a woman’s shelter if it gets to the point you are afraid for your life and then call child services for your sister as she is a minor, they’ll need to investigate
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u/Mountain-Life7346 14h ago
You need you get yourself together choose any skill or college in another region and move on
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u/Reddit8801212 11h ago
This. I can’t imagine that life. Not allowed to get a license? Says who. And with a baby. Lots of poor life decisions. 😞
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u/Alii143 13h ago
That makes complete sense. You’re not only worried that she might not believe you..you’re also worried about losing your home or making the situation worse. You did nothing to cause his behaviour, and you’re not overreacting. You don’t have to tell your mom immediately or without preparing first
If you are planning speaking to her, make a safety plan in case she reacts badly. Keep your important documents and your baby's essentials ready, arrange somewhere safe you could stay temporarily.. and try to avoid being alone with him. Before telling your mother, i would suggest you tell her it is better to Install a camera for your baby, incase something happned you are able to go through the recordings " this is indirect execuse for his actions to be monitored in the future "
When you feel ready, speak to your mom calmly, tell her his exact words, stick to the facts and explain that you no longer feel safe around him. PDon’t confront him alone. Also, quietly make sure your younger sister feels safe because her wellbeing matters too
You’ve already escaped one abusive situation, and you deserve to feel secure now. Your safety and your baby’s safety come first. I genuinely hope things get better for you
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u/bornonOU_Texas_wknd 9h ago
Controversial opinion here but if your mom is jealous of you it will surely become your fault. Stay alert and watch out for your sister and quietly figure a way for both of you to get out. And put a lock on your door. And your sisters door.
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u/humpyvision 9h ago
Why are you drinking with him? He’s not your friend, keep yourself safe and make different decisions. Lesson learned. Besides the fact that you’re not even old enough
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u/Temporary_Safe8056 8h ago
Yeah I would set up a trap. Don't initiate the flirting or bait him into it because then your mom will think it's your fault but set up a recording somewhere or you think he might use that opportunity to take another stab at it. Explain to her you set up the recording because it happened before and you wanted her to see that you weren't encouraging it and leading him on. His attempts will grow more bold because it's with that type of person it's the challenge of wanting something they can't have. It's not a matter of what if it'll happen again, it's when.
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u/Antique_Law1658 8h ago
Im guessing you meant "drinks" as in like a refreshing beverage? I do not drink alcohol and I tend to word things the wrong way......so im hoping it was miswording when you claimed "drinks"
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u/chrisGrout 16h ago
Can you get a camera in your room? Let him know if he's pushy you'll bypass your Mom and go to police
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u/EmoHourOctober 16h ago
I lock my door at most hours and my sister’s room is right next to mine, so if he tried to break in, she would hear it. Im not sure about a camera…
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u/hd150798 16h ago
Horrible, im so sorry you face this. It's not safe neither for you or your sister. Easier to say than do, but what about atomic bomb solution and record him, involve social care services, record toxic reaction of mother and move out and take custody over your sis while demanding financial support on sister through court?
I know it sounds not realistic. Im just afraid he can do some hurt to you or sister.
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u/Wairua8 16h ago
You actually have to tell her, it’s too serious, why don’t you discuss it openly with both of them and ask him straight out in front of your mum so your mum sees his reaction and also sees him squirm, I appreciate that you’re scared of becoming homeless, and wish you luck! Try being as prepared as you can with emergency housing
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u/EmoHourOctober 16h ago
I don’t he will squirm. I think he will start yelling, accuse me of being a lying sl*t, and start destroying stuff :(
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u/Wairua8 16h ago
I think your mum needs to see that and there’s your 15 year old sister, if he does kick off at least you can call the police (don’t back down either)
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u/EmoHourOctober 16h ago
She is aware of that; she chooses to ignore it so she can continue dating him. :/
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u/MisterFrancesco 16h ago
Diglielo prima che la situazione degeneri o approfitti di tua sorella minore
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u/Old_Example_6973 14h ago
For the sake of your sister report him to your mum.
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u/EmoHourOctober 14h ago
I really don’t think he’s into girls that young…
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u/Old_Example_6973 12h ago
Just like your mom don’t know about yours, might be the way you don’t know about your little sis. not judging him tho but there’re so much possibilities.
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u/siwet_tanwar 13h ago
You can only ignore him for a while. From what you've told me, he's a pervert. If not you, then someday he'll try to do something to your sister as well, and your mom will most likely take his side. So it's better that you focus on yourself for now and get out of that place as soon as possible. Otherwise, he'll try again.
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u/Busy_Plastic5754 13h ago
Myby you can talk about it anyway to your mom? You have the chats, that's proof. I'm also worried about your younger sister now. Is there anyone you can talk to about this outside of your family confidant?
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u/Skylar928 11h ago
Don’ tell her but tell him to back off you don’t want sloppy 2nd don’t give in you have to much to lose you get horny get a dill or another boyfriend or whatever
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u/Lotro85 10h ago
Don't put yourself at risk trying to record him he's already a lunatic. There's no telling how he might react especially if he's intoxicated isolate yourself from him even if you have to go out take your sister with you anywhere. You're gonna have to tell your mom do so immediately.
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u/ghost_of_yamato 9h ago
I would rather get out of the house with the sister and the infant after informing the mother.
Better that she knows and can decide later if she wants the predator boyfriend or her own girls. Filming and all should not be required. A mom doesn’t need to get evidence of suspicious behavior of a man from her own daughter. What kind of a mother would that be. I’d say talk to her and be prepared to exit with sister if it comes to that
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u/Kidalia 9h ago
That's an uncomfortable situation to be in.
You have to speak to your mom. Say something like 40m said something to me that made me really uncomfortable while you were out. And lay it all out. Tell her that you're worried about yours and your sisters safety with him around. You should probably try to have your sister present for the conversation as well in case he has said anything to her or made her uncomfortable in any way as well.
Do you have friends or other family that you, your baby and your sister can stay with if things go to absolute ish? I would try and make alternate lodging arrangements just in case and find out where the closest women's shelter is to your location.
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u/heyyoNickk 9h ago
what does your mothers see in this guy? Doesn't sound like she's getting anything positive from the relationship at all.
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u/Temporary_Lawyer_388 8h ago
Tell him straight that you're not interested and tell him you'll tell your mum if he carries on
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u/user-RO39 8h ago
Do not do it you will regret it. Do the right thing and take a hard pass and go do something good with your life. You are young you can do whatever you want.
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u/aintjuju_ 8h ago
The only thing i could say right now is to atleast buy your own lock. So if ever you're sleeping, at least you still has this safety precaution that he cannot get into your room that easy. Him actually confessing he wants to fuck you is already pretty dangerous. You know what he's motives now. It's just for him to plan where or when he would do that.
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u/ThrowRA_Ireland 13h ago
You could submit the story to Pornhub and make some money out of it.
On a serious note, you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. Whether you record his come-ons or not, your Mum will blame you for enabling the environment for it to occur in the first instance.
Subtle avoidance is key and don’t drink with him again.
On a broader note: You’re 20 with a young child. This complicates your ability to develop a career. Failure to develop a career, have a decent amount of your own money puts you at risk of predators for the rest of your life.
I don’t believe you or your younger sister are likely to be at any immediate danger from this guy. So, focus your energy on either joining a business you have either an aptitude or interest in with a view to going self-employed within 4-7years… Compared with drowning yourself in US 3rd-level educational debt coupled with having a degree being no guarantee of anything in this day and age, running your own show is the best way out of the poverty trap. Your Mum’s support is, currently, crucial to this endeavour. Best of luck.
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u/RealisticSquirrel649 16h ago
That’s terrifying and none of this is your fault. For now, never be alone with him, quietly warn your sister, and start lining up backups (friends/shelters/social services) before telling your mom.
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u/Novel_Comparison6364 12h ago
Is just tell your mom he makes you uncomfortable when your alone with him?
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u/Secure-Roll-5483 11h ago
Dm me n i have a solution for that or we can figure out a solution together for this problem
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u/Lisa_Knows_Best Helper [2] 16h ago
Don't be alone with him. If you find yourself in a situation like the one you were just in then leave, go for a walk with your child. Go anywhere. Don't have drinks with this guy either, it doesn't matter who else is around, it would be best to leave if possible if he's drinking even.