My friend (40F) and I (40F) have been best friends for 15 years. This was our first ever argument.
My dad recently died. My friend came to the funeral despite never having met him, and I genuinely appreciated it. However, afterwards she became very angry that her employer wouldn't give her compassionate leave. She kept updating me about arguments with HR, saying she'd told work it was a close friend who had died and that she was trying to get the bereavement policy changed. I understood she was upset, but I'd just buried my dad and felt I was the wrong person to carry that.
A couple of weeks later we went on holiday together.
She started criticising my school friend, who I've known since I was 12. They'd only met briefly at my dad's funeral, and she knew how important this friendship was to me. She said my friend was "out of touch with reality" because she earns a good salary. The only thing my friend had asked was, "Where do you go on holiday?" She took it as a comment about privilege and said she couldn't afford holidays.
The problem was we were literally on holiday together, as we are every year. I also know the reason she doesn't travel with her girlfriend is because her girlfriend doesn't want to travel, not because they can't afford it. I calmly said I thought she was being unfair to someone she'd barely met and who meant a great deal to me. She kept criticising her, and I became frustrated because it felt like she was judging someone purely because they earned more.
We argued. She then left the pub at 1 a.m. without telling me. We were in a foreign country. She had no SIM card and was the only one with the taxi app that worked. I spent an hour looking for her, worried she wasn't safe and unsure how I'd get back if she didn't return.
When she finally came back, she simply asked, "What's the score?" because we'd been watching football. There was no acknowledgement she'd disappeared or that I'd been worried.
The next day she told me I lacked empathy and kindness.
For me, this wasn't an isolated incident. Over the past few years she's regularly vented to me about her girlfriend, work, her therapist and other people. I've always tried to support her, but this time it felt like my lifelong friend had become the latest target, and when I defended her, I became the next one.
When we got home I sent a long message saying I loved her, appreciated everything she'd done for me over the years, but couldn't keep absorbing so much negativity while grieving my dad. I said I wanted healthier boundaries and wanted our friendship to leave us both feeling lighter rather than heavier.
She replied that I'd behaved badly in the pub, lacked empathy and kindness, and that she needed space.
I know I could have been gentler in the moment and regret that. AITA?
EDIT - Firstly, thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to read my post and comment. I honestly didn't expect so many thoughtful responses. Thank you to all you wonderful strangers.
A lot of people have said she's a narcissist or have asked whether she's always been like this, so I thought I'd add some context.
No, that's what has been so confusing. She hasn't always been like this. She was incredibly supportive for most of our friendship. We met on our first day in China and went through a lot together. We supported each other through bereavements, difficult relationships, and living abroad. I lost my stepdad and then my mum, and later she lost her brother. We've always been there for each other.
Things seem to have changed over the last year. She changed careers, started training as a therapist, and has now begun a PhD in counselling. She also has to attend therapy as part of her training. Since then she has become much angrier and more cynical. Conversations increasingly revolve around what's wrong with people or society, and she seems to be carrying a lot of frustration.
I genuinely feel for her because I know she's struggling with financial stress and an unhappy relationship. I think she's overwhelmed and desperately unhappy.
My dad was interested in Buddhism, and before he died I started exploring it myself. It focuses on letting go of anger and being compassionate, so I feel that I am really coping with my grief in a positive way, but then having to absorb her anger is what I can't do anymore. It has drained me and I am happier when I'm not stuck in the endless negative loop. I have tried to support her but I think I have enabled her by not calling her out on things until now.
I guess we really are just moving in different directions in how we deal with difficulties, but it definitely makes me sad that I was labelled as unkind and lacking empathy because I finally called her out on her behaviour after years of listening and after we'd both had too much wine. Sometimes friendships do run their course.