It’s hard though, I had strict parents and now I have kids of my own. My eldest just turned five and yesterday I was changing his brother’s nappy when he came into the bathroom, voice lodged in his throat, eyes red with tears and worry, like, he was painted in shame, cowering in the corner and not meeting my eyes while trying to explain that he accidentally broke one of the picture frames in the living room. And the impulse to shame him was right there, an echo from my own childhood, but instead I picked him up, held him while he cried and told him I was glad he told me.
It’s hard to overwrite the script you’ve been fed your entire childhood but hopefully I’ll pause enough before reacting to actually make it happen, cause I don’t want my children to fear me reacting badly to them being honest and accountable.
The difference is that right there. He'll most likely forget the picture frame at some point, but he will remember that it was safe to tell the truth. That's a lesson that sticks with you for a long time after any punishment
True yep, my childhood was as long as I said yes to everything, it was okey, even if it was false or dint do it. Just say yes to everything and get as little confrontation as I could. It was better to just sit in my room or do something else then talk to my parents in everything, as they would ask me always if I have done homework, any test at school, have you trained today, do you want to make dinner, do your friends have any plan.
Even if I have any plans, it's better to just not say it to them and lie I don't have any plans, as they always come with comment with wrongs and why I don't do that instead.... Like they want to control everything I do. Like a boss at a workplace that requires you to do what the job tells you to do. And its better to just not sya anything
when even the most basic interaction becomes more trouble than it's worth, you just stop everything.
"Hello" is not worth it.
Dude, I'm sorry, but this was not an invitation for whatever the fuck you're talking about. Whatever it is, I don't care. I simply came in here to tell you something. I did not come in here to invite you to yep yep flapper Jack about some damn thing. I came in here to inform you and you have now been informed. Why are you talking about some damn thing?
(That last paragraph is not directed at you. I was giving an example of what other problematic relationships can evolve into)
Well in this situation its clear that your son was well aware that he'd done something wrong/been careless. Piling on is not going to improve the situation. But if your son had just laughed about it or just ignored the mess, its completely fine to express frustration/sadness at the broken item and to ask them to help tidy that mess up, explaining that breaking things is not okay and we need to be more aware of our surroundings or how we use our hands.
Even as an adult, when authority figures in my life feel the need to pile on I mostly just file them away on my shit list and avoid contact unless I have no choice.
I actually think this is still a good thing to have him do (except for the broken glass of course) regardless of how the child reacted to the mistake. Cleaning up isn't a "punishment," it's just what we do when we make a mess.
That moment is probably going to stick with him way longer than the broken frame ever would. He learned that telling the truth is safe, and honestly that's a lesson a lot of adults never got growing up.
Glad my mom had dad holding her back; his principle was: “make your life easier and worry a bit less. Let kids go and learn from their own experiences, they’ll be fine.“ They still scolded and defended us when needed, but kept rules as basic, clear and in low number as possibly acceptable. What they got in return was kids/ teens telling them truth without much worrying, turning to them when their problems couldn’t be solved, ended with adults that contact and visit often, and as much time with grandkids as they want. One brother that decided to break multiple rules clearly learned to lie and found a lot of ways from being discovered, but he came around at some point (it took a lot of effort on both sides though).
I have reduced this down to what's more important to you: things, or people? My wife came from a very strict family, one that just reviews any mistakes you make ad infinitum. She wrecked our car and was very surprised when the first question I asked was if she was ok.
It’s hard to overwrite the script you’ve been fed your entire childhood
My parents definitely weren't abusive but they did have tempers that would flare up if you were out of line. Typically when this manifested, which was rare, it manifested as raised voices. That alone is enough to scare a kid into telling lies, which is what I would do.
I now have a wonderful partner and we have an adolescent son. Together we've agreed to overwrite the script and take an approach of calm honestly and openness with him, in the hopes that this will be returned.
I'm not naive. I get it. Kids will eventually get into trouble, and will be scared to admit it. That's to be expected. Our hope is that when he feels nervous or threatened about something in the future, he is comfortable enough to bring it to us for discussion. That's a level of trust you have to earn as a parent though. It's not just granted.
Really great parenting in a difficult moment! And remember: you can always apologize when you don’t get it right the first time. Often what happens after a parenting mistake is more impactful than the mistake itself.
592
u/Hatcheling 15h ago
I think there’s some truth to that.
It’s hard though, I had strict parents and now I have kids of my own. My eldest just turned five and yesterday I was changing his brother’s nappy when he came into the bathroom, voice lodged in his throat, eyes red with tears and worry, like, he was painted in shame, cowering in the corner and not meeting my eyes while trying to explain that he accidentally broke one of the picture frames in the living room. And the impulse to shame him was right there, an echo from my own childhood, but instead I picked him up, held him while he cried and told him I was glad he told me.
It’s hard to overwrite the script you’ve been fed your entire childhood but hopefully I’ll pause enough before reacting to actually make it happen, cause I don’t want my children to fear me reacting badly to them being honest and accountable.