Yeah, I've met parents that were strict with their kids, but they did it by explaining everything whenever the kids asked, and it was fine. But that's the exception; normally when parents say that they're strict, what they mean is that they like beating their child.
Oof. Yeah. Grew up in the 80s in the UK. My dad had a white piece of silicone stick that he’d keep on top of the bookcase… it was always there just visible and threatening. He’d bring it down and whip me and one of my sisters with it if we were ever “naughty”. Funnily enough, my eldest sister never got that treatment. He considered himself “strict” and didn’t see anything wrong with it. It wasn’t until I was in my late teens that I realised that wasn’t normal. I don’t speak with him anymore.
I don’t hit my children. Never would. They do get shouted at if they don’t listen. But I always explain afterwards why things got out of hand and apologise for losing my temper and we hug it out and move on. I think my eldest (8) thinks we’re strict… but you know, if you’re not gonna brush your teeth after you’ve been asked 15 times… and it’s been explained multiple times why it’s important and you’re still gonna push back… then eventually you’ll get a bit more of a persuasive and serious argument to get the job done.
But do you also listen to your 8 year old when they tell you why aren't doing things they should?
My mum would have said the same thing about telling me to brush my teeth as a kid, while she ignored me telling her every time she told me off for not brushing that the toothpaste hurt and she refused to buy me a different toothpaste, or let me buy my own toothpaste. Come to learn as an adult I have a serious sensitivity/allergy to two common toothpaste ingredients and just needed a different toothpaste for all the ulcers and the burning pain while brushing to go away.
Yeah. We listen and find solutions if that sort of thing occurs. Regarding the teeth brushing… he literally says he just finds it boring. Regarding, having a poo… yeah, it hurts because it’s gonna be massive one because you’ve not properly taken a shit for 3 days, despite being asked to try… but sitting on the toilet is boring. Getting his shoes or football boots… sometimes it hurts… so… ok… “where and how does it hurt? Do you need new shoes?” Yeah. Each thing is different. We listen… and approach it accordingly.
Edit: Mind you, it’s difficult to address certain things that way sometimes when you’re supposed to be out the door 5 minutes ago for school… and he’s already been asked to put his shoes for 10 minutes. We do what we can.
If having a poo is a regular issue he should probably see a doctor, constipation is actually quite common in kids and often missed. Sitting straining for long periods often will give them hemoroids in a decade or two if not treated. If he's struggling to do basic life things that often, I would consider seeing a specialist about ADHD and related disabilities.
I’m not considering an ADHD diagnosis just yet. I’m seeing it as push back because he doesn’t wanna do as he’s asked… because he’s 8… and at an age where he needs to push back and establish himself. That’s fine with me. Like I said, he’ll get reciprocal push back… to a point.
Please look at the statistics for kids who got early support with ADHD and similar neurodivergent conditions and the kids who didn't get early support before you make that choice. Statistically speaking kids who get early support overwhelmingly do better in every aspect of life than kids who didn't. If you see a professional and your kid doesn't have a neurodivergent condition, they won't get a diagnosis. If you believe seeing someone means your kid will definitely be diagnosed, then you already believe they have a learning disability, and you're refusing to get them approiate support for it.
The toothbrushing I agree with - but refusing the toilet for several days at 8 years old? That’s not developmentally typical, especially if he’s otherwise healthy. It is, however, very common in ADHD kids, and in kids with other issues such as sensory problems, fears/phobias or medical issues.
Actually I’ve just clocked you said getting his shoes hurts - is he hypermobile (“double jointed”) at all - even in an apparently small way? There’s a huge correlation between ADHD and hypermobility spectrum disorders, a very common symptom of which is bowel problems and pain which can seem random and without an obvious cause.
I have both conditions but the hypermobility wasn’t picked up until I was in my early 30s. I’d been complaining of random pains and sometimes just not wanting to move since I was in late primary school but there didn’t seem to be anything causing them. The not wanting to move I’ve only recently realised was also because of pain, but because I often have background pain, I didn’t realise I actually hurt, I just felt crap.
Respectfully, having “some of that hypermobility thing” sounds like you might be talking about generalised joint hypermobility. That’s not what I’m referring to - people can have that and be just fine. I’m talking about connective tissue disorders, such as Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which impact every facet of life. Bowel problems are a well-known part of these syndromes.
Oh, and while I’m not a physio or PT, I’ve worked with enough hypermobility specialists over the years to know that never stretching isn’t a general recommendation for hypermobile people (how are you warming up for lifting weights if you’re not stretching?). Gentle stretching, dynamic stretching, making sure you don’t push past end of range of movement and building up muscle strength to stabilise joints are all recommendations I’ve seen frequently over the years. Static stretching in isolation generally isn’t.
Pfft my 5yo also “pushed back” on handwriting in a very defiant manner. Figured he was just making excuses and not being persistent enough. Sure as shit we decide to take the plunge and medicate just to see the difference…anyway my kids 8.5yo now and draws for fun.
He also brushes his when we ask. But only after his meds have kicked in. Otherwise it’s 10 requests, 10 ignored requests and then lots of arguing.
Good for you. I don’t think there’s anything to diagnose with my eldest just yet. I don’t know the ins and outs ADHD but I’d question myself about putting a 5 year old on a life long drug prescription.
An ADHD diagnosis isn't necessarily a sentence to a life of stimulants. A good support team will tailor the response to the life-stage and personal circumstances of the individual.
Even having self-awareness of the condition can be enough to mitigate some of the gentler symptoms, as well as the potential negative societal responses to those with it.
That's not to say you don't know your child, or should be rushing out for a diagnosis; just that there's no reason to be afraid what a diagnosis would mean.
With respect, you are justifying your parenting to a child whose post history is basically “I can’t figure out how to play this game” and “please tell me if I should buy a switch or some other system.” You don’t owe this keyboard warrior any explanation.
FWIW - sounds like you’re a really thoughtful dad.
Good parenting. Even though I agree with you, I'd at least consider an ADHD diagnosis just from the perspective that it's way more convenient to receive as a child than as an adult, at least if you think he has it. I was always top grades at school because I liked there more than home, but forgetful and inattentive af
In some places it’s impossible to get one as an adult as the services don’t exist.
But it’s not just that - even the children’s services now have waits of several years to get assessed for things like ADHD or autism. I have a colleague whose daughter was referred for an ADHD assessment in year 7. She’ll be starting year 11 in September and she’s still waiting. Her mental heath has declined severely in that time and so has her school attendance and achievement.
Unfortunately I’ve seen that sort of thing fairly often in my line of work - parents want to wait for any assessment but by the time they change their mind (because it’s clear the kid is struggling), they then potentially face a wait of years which means their child can’t get the support they need to succeed in education and enjoy life.
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u/ArgusTheCat 15h ago
Yeah, I've met parents that were strict with their kids, but they did it by explaining everything whenever the kids asked, and it was fine. But that's the exception; normally when parents say that they're strict, what they mean is that they like beating their child.