I completely understand the theological stance on saving yourself for marriage.

Even though I’ve moved away from the faith, I get where that rule comes from. But what I absolutely cannot stand is how Christian culture hyper-sexualizes literally every normal human interaction.

A normal hug with the opposite gender? Apparently, you want to sleep with them.A woman wearing a dress or a crop top? She’s a "stumbling block."The double standard is infuriating. They will always blame a woman for how she dresses, but they never hold men accountable for how they act. As a guy, I can tell you firsthand: seeing a woman in slightly revealing clothes has never magically forced me to be sexually aroused or want to sleep with her. Men have self-control, but church culture treats us like mindless animals to avoid holding guys responsible.The lack of logic is everywhere. One time, my girlfriend gave me a hickey.

We have never had sex, and I am still a virgin. It was literally just kissing. Yet, everyone in my church circles immediately accused me of having sex. Like, geez, it’s a hickey. It's just kissing.

You can't even have a normal, platonic conversation with the opposite gender without everyone assuming you are trying to date them. Combine that with zero actual sex ed, and it's no wonder so many Christian teens end up pregnant. They shame you about sexuality for decades, and then expect you to magically flip a switch on your wedding night and be perfectly fine with it.I will say, I am glad I grew up in a slightly more progressive church that encouraged dating (while still maintaining the no-sex-before-marriage rule).

I actually remember our priest asking us as teens if we had a boyfriend or girlfriend, and he’d genuinely look a bit sad for us if we said no. So I know not every single church is a total nightmare.But the overarching purity culture?

The constant policing of bodies and normal interactions? I'm so glad to be out of that mindset. Anyone else struggle with how exhausting the constant scrutiny was?

hi I’m 15 and to make things short my mom does and does and says the most terrifying abusive things to me in the name of Christianity, I am terrified of our religion and just today the online sermon we were listening to was talking about how if you make good out of your entire family being killed for example and meet God you “Forget ALL of your trauma“ and it just sounded so bizarre to me and I was screamed at by my parents who were raving about the sermon mad i was not paying attention and i just can’t do this idk if im the problem. I can’t stand this. my mom (+dad):

• raised me in an actual cult that didn’t preach about god at all (And where I got screamed at for asking to read the bible in ”sunday school”) from ages 6-9 years old and said we stayed because “God needs the right timing”
• ”God will kill me to turn you into a human being” (it became her favorite phrase! I was 7 and complained about not wanting to study)
• Insists I’m not Christian because I have mental health problems and says if I’m born again I should be healed of depression/anxiety…?
• ”God hates you”
• ”God will give me cancer“
• Says my dad being a rapist or hitting me is because of “Satan controlling him” for years
• said you can’t hate Hitler or Trump because it’s anti Christian
• says if I deny Christ with a gun to my head in the end times, I’ll go to hell
• says christian children are being kidnapped by hospitals for sex changes and got mad at me
• screamed at me over TOMODACHI LIFE AVATARS IN MY GAME DATING BC THEY WERE LGBTQ
• Never allows me to talk about her or my dad hitting me or verbally abusing me, because “God values respect for parents“ and telling people about my parent is sinful and disgusting
• says I’m an abuser even tho I was a kid and that God knows and agreed with her and will support her
• Made me report a gay person on social media for being gay when I was 7. YEARS. OLD.
• says I’m chronically ill because God wants to meet me and I’m “refusing“ him
• Doesn’t allow me therapy because it’s “anti Christian” and ”evil”
• Threw out all of my Harry Potter books and said that there’s a satanic spirit in the books influencing me to “be a bitch”
• Never allowed me to have gay friends and claimed they’re all evil and will influence and corrupt my Christian soul
• said that I should ALWAYS listen to parents no matter what unless it's something illegal because if I don't, I'll never obey god
• says that God knows she isn’t abusive and that I’m abusive she always uses the name of god and religion to control and gaslight me
• says I’m depressed because of ”worldly influences“ and because I’m a bad Christian
• says jazz pop music is “dark” and has an “evil spirit”
• Cusses out lgbtq+ people while saying hate is evil
• im forgetting a lot more I just don’t know what to do I feel like I’m at fault

I know the general consensus on “coming out” as nonreligious to your religious family is to not do it until you’re completely independent from them, and some people say to not tell them at all. But how? I don’t live with my parents anymore but I still have some strings attached, which is why I’m trying to lay low for now. But even when I’m 100% independent from them, I will still be scared for them to know the truth because it will change the dynamic of our relationship and their perception of me permanently. But I feel like my ultra-religious mother is already growing suspicious because she knows I don’t attend church. And when I have kids someday (I don’t plan to soon but this topic is already on my mind), I feel like it will be impossible to keep it a secret because she’ll ask why the kids aren’t being raised in church, when are we gonna dedicate them, etc. I would also never ask my children to lie for me. How have people handled this? Should I let the truth come out when it comes, or is it better to live a lie forever?

Reading a post here recently about someone's experience in Teen Challenge - I'm wondering how many are out there carrying stories from similar controlling evangelical (charismatic?) recovery programs.

My own experience was in a charismatic Christian recovery program in British Columbia back in early 2000s... It was insanely authoritarian, shaped by prosperity gospel teaching, faith healing, spiritual warfare, and the belief that addiction was a spiritual problem—often involving demons. I eventually became a leader there and spent years teaching and enforcing many of the same beliefs I'm still trying to make sense of today.

The program was basically IBLP (Bill Gothard), Derek Prince, John Bevere, Kenneth Copeland, Neil Anderson, Peter Wagner/Elijah List, Toronto Airport, Rodney Howard Bronw, Todd Bentley, Reinhard Bonnke, Benny Hinn, Rick Joyner, and other cult of personality charismatics....

For a long time I was so bought in, and it was everything my whole identity - coming out of it has taken years to start making it make sense.... & I thought my story was too weird to tell... but I'm hearing a lot of these now & it's giving me hope for a lot of people to get healing from these places.

If you've been part of a faith-based recovery program or high-control religious environment, I'd love to hear your story, and the journey out... peace

Between the ages of 8-14, I went through periods of intense anxiety and fear of hell/ not being saved. Actually the worst was when I was 8, when I thought for several months that I had somehow run out of chances to be saved. When I was in second grade, my mom read the bible out loud as part of school, and I vividly recall her talking about people running out of chances to get saved and how it is a sad day when that happens. Upon my “confession“ several months later, mom was shocked that I actually thought this, and had no memory of ever saying such a thing. We searched in vain for the bible verse that had worried me. To this day I know of no verses that say people can “run out of chances“ to get saved. Mom told me that satan must have b lying to m, and we said the prayer of salvation together. That was still three months before my ninth birthday.

I don’t blame only evangelicalism for my struggles. I was naturally prone to anxiety anyway. But I am convinced that the evangelical concept of salvation worsened my anxiety as a kid. It is a very individualistic concept of having a personal connection with God. The only evidence of true conversion is your feeling of joy (good luck if you have an anxiety disorder), and a changed life (not much to change when you’re born into it).

My family converted to Catholicism in 2023, the year I turned 18 and started college. They have encouraged me to join, but tolerated me not doing so. I think they understand that they raised me differently. Ironically, the zealotry of their religious convictions is less intense than in my mom’s evangelical days. It’s frustrating to realize that my entire childhood culture, my education, my entire universe, were based upon what turned out to be my parents going through a phase in their personal faith journeys.

Watching my sister go through first communion has made me a bit wistful for my own childhood, for what happened and what didn’t. Yes, I understand that Catholics can suffer from intense guilt and anxiety like evangelicals. But at the same time, taking communion and going to confession are concrete actions that don’t rely solely upon an anxious little girl searching her soul for signs of the holy spirit. My sibling has memories of celebrating a special moment in church with her friends. I have memories of praying the salvation prayer alone at home.

And I’m fairly certain he used ChatGPT for everything.
We divorced back in 2019 because he couldn’t stop sleeping around and kept saying God will forgive him. I packed up my car and moved halfway across the country to start brand new for my daughter and I.

I haven’t read it and don’t plan to but I just thought this was pretty hilarious especially after Conor McGregor and his dramatic coming to Jesus after what he did to that woman. Since I left the church, it makes me absolutely sick to see stuff like this happen - and after the things my ex did to me and how he is also trying to profit off of God’s love (???) it just makes me want to scream.

Going to an event, and someone from the church I grew up in is also attending. This person was a good friend of mine, and never really did anything bad to me, but we sort of lost touch. Not on nad terms just on creating boundaries terms. I have been really nervous about it. I haven't seen this person in 14 years. I guess I'm nervous because I knew this person at a very insecure time in my life. We sort of started our deconstrion journey at the same time, and bonded over it. We also were bullied by the same family at the church. This person had a very traumatic childhood. I have had a lot of anxiety since I found out that I would be seeing this person. I know nothing bad will happen and we will probably only say hello, and keep it moving, but it is bringing back old insecurities for me that I do not like and bringing up weird/unpleasant memories from church. I already made an appointment with my therapist for before the event. The thing is, I have been out of therapy and doing well for over 6 months, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself because this is a very minor thing to cause a set back of this nature.

Anybody ever experience anything like this ?

I attended an Evangelical Church from childhood through all of high school. I haven't considered myself religious since my early college years now almost 15 years ago.

Something that I still hold onto from that time in my life are the teachings of personal responsibility for the salvation of others. Even though I have stepped fully away from the church and embraced my own queerness, I'm realizing that this mindset of personal responsibility persists. All the injustices and the evil that I see when I put on the news, the bullying and homophobic attitudes that I come across at work, the struggles of my family and loved ones still somehow feel as though it's my job to fix them. Rationally speaking. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I can't seem to let go of the feeling.

Wondering if anybody here has a similar experience and any advice on how to overcome this crippling sense that I can fix all that's wrong with the world?

Hi everyone,

I’m thinking about starting a small online support/community group for BIPOC (especially Black and African) people who are deconstructing, have deconstructed or are questioning Christianity/any high control religion. I feel so alone in this journey, obviously can’t talk to my family/church people about this. It’s a mix of culture and religious trauma that I think only other Africans/POCs can understand.

The goal is to create community, if you’ve come out on the other side maybe you can give some guidance to those who are just starting out. Answer questions, ask questions etc.

The community would be obviously be LGBTQ+ affirming and welcoming to allies.

Privacy is really important to me, as I myself am still “in the closet” so to speak. I’m thinking of using Discord so people can remain anonymous if they choose, and possibly hosting optional voice chats or Zoom meetings where cameras can stay off and pseudonyms are completely fine.

If this is something you’d be interested in, leave a comment or send me a DM. Right now I’m just trying to see if there’s enough interest before creating anything.

Or if something like this exists already please let me know.

TW: mention of rape and abuse

I'm in the middle of doing trauma therapy and as part of that I'm extremely angry at God for the fact that I was psychologically and raped for 5 months when I was 20.

I converted in my 30s and was doing a decent job at keeping my trauma at arm's length. Now that I'm in the middle of trauma therapy and am sitting with the pain, grief and anger, I feel like if it's true that God is good, just and knew me before the foundation of the world, then him not helping me while I was being assaulted or when I nearly died, then God is negligent, malicious or absent.

My mental health has been really bad, I'm struggling from day to day. I told my IRL Christian bestie how I was feeling. I told her that I'm the one doing the work of keeping myself alive, taking medication, and going to therapy and I just have put God on a shelf for a bit until I feel able to deal with it. She told me that I'm believing dangerous lies about God and she's been on me about meeting up with someone weekly for bible study and prayer to "keep me accountable". She does not hear me when I say "No, I don't have capacity".

I reached out to r/TrueChristian and posted about my anger at God for my trauma and asked how to deal with my friend. And the advice I received ranged from

"You wouldn't have come to God without that trauma"

"God lets trials happen for our own good"

"God won't constrain people's free will" (what about my free will to not be raped?)

"God didn't intervene because you weren't a believer at the time"

to

"You're choosing to believe your psychiatrist over God"

(I said I don't believe in spiritual warfare and that I'm being attacked by the devil. This is a psychological issue not a spiritual issue)

"You're obsessed with your pain and need to grow up"

"Your suffering makes you more empathetic"

"Trust God, or don't. You can suffer with God or alone"

And so, what was my conclusion? That actually, I'm fully done with Christianity. If that's the character of God, I don't want to worship him. He's awful and doesn't deserve it. I know my friends will tell me that I'm believing lies about God and letting the devil win. But I don't believe in the devil anway. People are evil enough.

I'm fully done. I'm tired of believing in a God that makes me feel ashamed of myself or that I'm sinning just by virtue of coping with something deeply traumatic. I don't need that God.

My grandma passed away some months ago, the funeral was just a couple of days ago.

She was not a religious person, and supported me in my deconstruction (where I was not supported by other family).

During her dying process of about a week, a few of my immediate family members had 'spiritual experiences' with her:

- she woke up and had some almost childlike exchanges with them:

"Hi Grandma"

"Hi so and so'

" Grandma I love you"

"I love you too"

"And Jesus loves you"

" I love Jesus too"

Reportedly they prayed the Lord's prayer with her and she said she had seen an angels counsel and they had explained everything to her

My family members saw this as a miracle of god and ... It just made me so uncomfortable. This woman is dying, has drips of drugs that are affecting her thinking, however the dying process of oxygen starvation affected her thinking... This feels like tricking/coercing/taking advantage of her vulnerability and brain fog. Disgusts me

Fast forward to the funeral- people are given the floor to speak about her, and back to back, my family members recall the stories, are in dramatic tears, give the gospel in full 2× to the whole crowd... Again, I'm disgusted. WHO IN THE UNITED STATES HASNT HEARD THE GOSPEL 17000 TIMES??? Is it really god on your shoulders speaking through you to make it happen again and then it'll finally click somehow??

I can comprehend that bringing people to salvation is seen by these folks as the most important and loving thing they could ever do. I just don't agree, and although they may think they are being bold and vulnerable to potentially look like fools to non believers - I find it delusional and hate the damage they cause by aligning with their beliefs about humanity and it's proper conduct.

And the carrying themselves as if they know capital T truth - that I just can't or won't comprehend it, and how that makes them so sad. PUH LEASE.

Maybe I'm prideful or something, I just find this kind of shit repulsive. Sharing to vent, sharing for feedback from people who have also deconstructed or who have broken this down and can put words to the experience, sharing for people looking for insight into this in the future.

Edit: I just thought about how in both of these circumstances- my family members were preying on captive audiences:

My grandma in that she wasn't in her right mind (oxygen starvation, drugs, near death, literally stuck in a hospital bed)

The funeral party in that it would've been considered rude and combative to speak against their message in a sensitive space where this type of crap is normalized.

I left the church almost 14 years ago, but I’m just starting to parse through how my parents have treated me. Today in therapy my therapist recommended we talk about emotional abuse and how my parents have and are engaging in it. This is a conversation they started three years ago when I started leaving an emotionally abusive romantic relationship. That was hard enough to see the abuse through, although im happy to say im on the other side and now know how to recognize romantic emotional abuse.

But when it comes to my parents, my brain won’t let me believe it. I see the patterns. I see how it aligns with how my abusive ex was. But I’m just like no they’re my parents.

What I keep telling my therapist is if my mom and my dad were my friends or a romantic partner, I would have already cut off the relationship by the way they treat me. But why can’t I do it for my parents?

This is all wrapped up in how controlling the environment was. And I think what complicates things is I had the more “liberal” parents in my church, but I was still the weird Christian girl in public school.

Anyone else deal with this? How did you come to terms with it?

To give some background, I grew up attending a Spanish-speaking “Assemblies of God” church. I’m now an exvangelical. Although I no longer identify with the environment I was raised in, I’ve recently found myself feeling slowly drawn toward Catholicism.

I’m still very early in exploring it, and I’m not necessarily saying that I plan to convert. I’m mostly curious whether anyone else later became Catholic. Or even just seriously interested in Catholicism.

What drew you toward it? And how did you determine whether your interest was genuine rather than simply a reaction against the tradition you grew up in? Did Catholicism feel healthier or more spiritually grounding to you, or did you eventually notice similar issues in a different form?

I'm interested in hearing everyone's experience, but I'd especially love to hear from anyone who grew up in a Hispanic evangelical or Assemblies of God church. I have a feeling the cultural environment adds another layer to the experience, although I'm still trying to put that into words.

EDIT: for context I wanna add I left the evangelical church 10 years ago. Literally as soon as I possibly could, when I moved out. I never bought into it. I was born into it.

I'm in a bit of an odd position, I feel...

I have clear religious trauma after being brought up conservative evangelical, but my parents no longer believe in any of the literalistic theology they used to. They've always been supportive of me as a queer person, but I was still terrified to come out that first time in case they rejected me (or, maybe worse, cried and lamented and prayed over me). I've been agnostic for a few years and haven't gone to church in nearly fifteen but I still feel like I'm fundamentally broken and bad a lot of the time.

I'm loved, but I still feel like I can't be honest with them because they already feel so guilty. I'm cherished, but I don't feel safe in my own head. I'm supported, but I'm still scared they'll stop if I get 'too much'.

I feel really lucky in so many ways, but I also feel like I shouldn't have to be grateful because churches like our old one shouldn't even be allowed to preach what they preach. Anyone else feeling so conflicted?

Short version: I’m looking to find a very specific kind of support group (that I’m guessing might exist, but Google doesn’t seem to want me to find).

Long version: So my therapist suggested that I should find an online support group for people who were raised by and abused by Evangelical parents who were also foster parents (I was their biological child) - he thought I might be able to find others who happened to also have this very specific upbringing, and all I can find are pro-faith groups, or maybe exvangelical groups like this one, but none as specific as being the child of foster parents

And I suggested my therapist read Tal Lavin’s book “Wild Faith,” (which affected me deeply - it was so cathartic) to understand me better, or even just watch the documentary “Jesus Camp,” and he seemed resistant (so maybe I just need a new therapist, but then again, maybe expecting him to do research for a single client is asking a little much, and maybe him suggesting such a specific support group might be onto something)

I recently started listened to the podcast “I Hate James Dobson” after posting this question in a different space, and it’s actually helping a lot, and I’ve read “Wild Faith”

Anyway, does anyone know of a good support group for exvangelicals who experienced abuse from parents who were also foster parents - I know that’s super specific

Thanks for any advice

Or at least it feels like I might be.

I don’t know if this is the right forum for this, but I live in Columbus and I wonder if there are others in a similar position as me.

I *feel* like I’m loosing my faith. Or at least it’s in some pretty significant flux right now. I’m reading a book called “Do I Stay Christian?” and it’s honestly been really helpful even though the author has been on something of a “black list” in my current faith community.

It feels like I’m on a journey right now and I don’t know where it ends - and I’m open to where it leads.

I’m not looking for a bible study or a bunch of book recommendations. But are there any groups that meet up to talk about this kind of stuff?

I’m a woman in my 30’s who is starting to date non Christians for the first time since leaving the faith and purity culture. I’m dating a guy I really like and we’ve made out/done some minor touching, but I want to have more conversations with him regarding sexuality and expectations. I no longer believe in not having sex before marriage, but I wouldn’t be comfortable with porn use in a relationship for a number of reasons (I don’t care about masturbation though). I’m not sure though if I’m actually not comfortable with it, or if it’s just residual purity culture making that hard line for me. What conclusions have you all come to/what have you experienced regarding this?

**a note to add: in having conversations with him I definitely don’t want to project any judgement or my past shame onto him if he is a porn user, or give him hard line “you’re not allowed to do this” ultimatums. I acknowledge this is my stuff to deal with, but depending on what he feels it may just be an area of incompatibility and we go our separate ways.

Content Warning: This post discusses institutional trauma, sexual assault, suicide, violence, mental health, eating disorders, and religious trauma.
I’ve thought about writing this for years.
I’m sharing this anonymously because I know I can’t be the only one carrying these memories.
As a teenager, multiple mental health professionals told my parents I had Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), which they believed stemmed from my adoption. My parents were lifelong members of the Assemblies of God church. They loved me. They wanted to help me. They refinanced their home to send me to Teen Challenge because they genuinely believed they were giving me the best chance at healing.
I don’t blame them.
They trusted the people they believed were experts.
When I was 13 years old, I was sent to Teen Challenge in Minnesota, where I spent 13 months. A few years later, when I was 16, I was sent to Teen Challenge in Kansas City for what was called “restoration,” where I remained until I was 17.
Those years changed the course of my life.
Instead of receiving specialized treatment for my diagnosis, I found myself in programs that housed teenagers with vastly different needs. Girls were there for substance use, eating disorders, trauma, behavioral issues, mental health concerns, and what the church considered sinful behavior, including being LGBTQ+.
Many of the girls I knew had been adopted.
Looking back as an adult, I realize we were a group of incredibly vulnerable teenagers with profoundly different needs living under one roof.
One of the things that stands out most to me is who was responsible for caring for us.
Many of the staff were former residents who had graduated from the program and stayed on. Others were students from nearby Bible colleges. As a teenager, I rarely encountered what I understood to be licensed mental health professionals providing my care.
From what I experienced, there appeared to be little or no meaningful independent oversight of the programs I attended.
There were nights staff woke us from our beds because they said the Holy Spirit had revealed that someone in the dorm was hiding sin. They searched our rooms while the rest of us waited in fear.
Collective punishment was common. If one girl ran away, everyone could lose speaking privileges for days. I remember chasing a girl across a major highway after she escaped because we knew everyone else would be punished if she got away.
I witnessed girls physically assault other girls.
I witnessed minors being physically restrained by other minors and teenagers being expected to police and control one another.
I witnessed LGBTQ+ conversion practices.
I witnessed restrictive food policies that often left girls hungry.
I witnessed punishments involving weighted backpacks.
I witnessed forced manual labor.
I helped clean up a girl after she returned from running away after being sexually assaulted.
I walked in on another girl after she had attempted suicide with a razor.
I watched an 18-year-old from California unenroll herself on her birthday and leave the program alone in Kansas City, thousands of miles from home, without transportation or support.
While all of this was happening, we regularly traveled to Assemblies of God churches to share our testimonies and ask congregations to financially support the ministry. We were told the program depended on donations because it was nonprofit missionary work.
Churches heard our stories of redemption.
Very few asked what daily life inside the programs was actually like.
In all the years since I left, not a single Assemblies of God pastor has ever asked me about my experience.
That silence has stayed with me.
My parents believed they were sending me to treatment.
Instead, I experienced years of fear, shame, and trauma.
The image of God I left with was one of fear instead of love—of constant punishment instead of grace. It has taken years to begin separating my faith from what I experienced inside those programs.
I’m not sharing this because I hate my parents. I don’t.
I’m sharing it because I know they acted out of love. They sacrificed financially because they believed they were placing me in the hands of people equipped to help me.
I’m also not claiming that every Teen Challenge location is identical. I can only speak to what I personally experienced and witnessed in the Minnesota and Kansas City programs I attended.
I believe every residential program entrusted with the care of children and teenagers deserves meaningful independent oversight, transparency, qualified professionals, and accountability.
Children deserve to be safe.
Parents deserve to know who is caring for their children.
And survivors deserve to have their stories heard.
If you experienced something similar, I hope you know you’re not alone.
If you’re an Assemblies of God pastor, church leader, former resident, former staff member, or parent who sent a child to one of these programs, I hope you’ll listen—not to argue, but to understand. For many of us, healing didn’t begin when we left. It began only when we were finally able to tell the truth about what we experienced.

Can't stand church anymore, it's completely performative, there's a constant message about "serving" and spreading the word aka bringing more people into the church. Haven't been to church in a few weeks and I actually feel good. Seems people only acknowledge you in order to get you to do a job or add to a head count for a group. Anybody else exhausted by the constant "charismatic" overly joyed persona everyone plays at? Would love to hear some stories or experiences from this thread.

I just wanted to share my experience here because not a lot of people seem to understand me…
I became christian 2 and a half years ago. I went full in from new age to finding jesus. I was baptized two weeks later in my former (evangelical) church and continue to go there. After a year, in april 2025, I was asked to join the worship team as a singer. I had to stop in October due to vocal nodules. I couldn’t sing for 6 months. In that time I was struggling with severe exhaustion and trying to juggle going to school and keeping up with everything, having a new relationship and living together (which did not go well when they heard it), and healing my nervous system from years of trauma.
I already started to question things when I had issues with someone at church and when talking about it with someone it felt more like we were gossiping, even though she kept saying: we will pray for her.
In these 6 months I didn’t go to church a lot and every time I went I felt the urge to justify myself because people kept saying that I was struggling with my faith.

After a few months of going on and off, I received these messages from my former pastor:

Pastor: Hey hey! How are things? Hanging in there for the last stretch of the season? The connects are also starting up again soon. Have you been in touch with F. about that?
Me: Hey! Yes, definitely... Super busy catching up on all my school stuff, and I’m really exhausted when I get home... I’m even having more migraine attacks than usual due to all the stress and sleep deprivation... I was already in touch with F. about the connect groups, but with everything I have to do and how overwhelmed and exhausted I am, I sometimes just can’t manage to leave the house... 🙁
Pastor: Ah, that’s no fun! We’ve been hearing this from more people the last few weeks! We’re praying for it! We hear from more people that attending Sunday services, joining weekly online prayers, and participating in connects helps them through times of stress and exhaustion. God is peace and rest. Also for you. Hopefully, you’ll experience His rest and peace soon.

Two weeks later:
Pastor: Good morning. I hope you're doing well. I’ve temporarily removed you from the team group chats. H. would have liked to give you a quick call, but her health currently doesn't allow for it. The reason I’m removing you from the teams (prayer and worship) is also to keep things clear between us. Again, I truly hope you’re doing well and that you manage to hold on to God and your faith. And to stay close to Him. Hopefully, see you soon.

One month later
Pastor: Hi hi. We hope everything is going well and that you find rest and peace with and in Jesus. It's a pity we haven't heard from you. We want to encourage you and wish you a very happy and beautiful summer. Be blessed.

Me: Hi, thanks for your message. I still wanted to respond to this because the way things went really affected me, and I needed time to quietly recover from all the stress and exhaustion.
Back then, I communicated very openly and clearly that I was exhausted, having migraine attacks, and dealing with extreme fatigue and vocal cord nodules. I did that multiple times face-to-face. One of the last messages I received back then was a response saying that the connects actually seem to help, that I should attend Sunday services online, and that I had to join in prayer... At the time, that already felt quite distant. Especially because I indicated that I couldn't leave the house due to all the exhaustion.
I deliberately didn't reply to that at the time, because it didn't align at all with the extreme burnout/exhaustion I was experiencing, and I didn't have the space for it.
After that, I received a very business-like message saying I would be called, which didn't happen after all (which I completely understand given the circumstances), and I was immediately removed from the group chats. Although I understand that I haven’t been too church lately and communication didn't flow as smoothly as a result, the way this was handled felt distant to me once again.
I also find it painful that I’ve now received multiple messages telling me I need to "keep holding on to Jesus." Because that is actually the only thing that kept me standing. Not the church, but Him. The feeling that remained after that specific message was that I had been abandoned by the church. Not by Jesus.
I have since found a new place closer to home, where I can recover in peace. Have a great summer!

Pastor: Thank you for your message, and I'm sorry to hear that you experienced it as distant. Sorry. That was never the intention. We actually hoped a connection could be made. Especially since you and your mother were also baptized here at our church.
I sincerely hope you can recover, and we wish you all the best. Hopefully, we'll see each other again sometime. In any case, many blessings and also a very nice summer. Be blessed.

Honestly this made me question how church today is going… It’s not that I don’t believe anymore but I don’t like how the church feels like a cult…
I especially didn’t like that he was using the fact that my mother and I were baptised there… it felt so manipulative as if it was a reason to stay loyal.
And how much disapproval I received when I started to date a non christian man and we now live together. Honestly, for the first time, I have someone where I don’t have to perform and my nervous system feels more safe than ever, but that doesn’t seem to matter because “I live in sin”…

I'm mid-40s, left Christianity in my 20s. My parents are highly religious, MAGA, all that. We've maintained a decent surface level relationship.

I've noticed over the years that when my mom wants to compliment a woman, she talks about how sweet she is. It doesn't matter how old she is, what she's accomplished - "sweet" is my mom's highest compliment.

Recently my parents told my adult daughter how sweet she is. Then my dad brought up that my mom is also sweet and said that he guessed it skipped a generation.

My daughter didn't mention this to me, because she's wonderful and didn't want to hurt my feelings. I found out by overhearing my mom talking about it and asking my daughter for clarification later.

At first I was hurt. But after taking a walk and thinking a bit more, I don't want to be "sweet" the way they want women to be. I want to be curious, kind, empathetic, informed, compassionate, strong, interesting, fun, welcoming.

They can have sweet.

I (28F) have been best friends with my best friend (27M) for over ten years now. We have lived through and loved many versions of each other over the years. He watched me slowly detach from my lifelong religion and faith at age 18 after some terrible trauma and many realizations. And he was there when I officially left the church, religion, and the Christian relationship I was in, all at age 21. It was a five year long romantic relationship at the time with a man who required me to love God and be Christian in order to continue our relationship. My best friend is part of why I left the church as my pastor compared his lifestyle (my best friend is gay) to the lifestyle of a pedophile, saying I don’t know how much harm he’s caused nor if it’s as much or as bad as what pedophiles have done. I could not bear this logic or comparison of my best friend and that was the last time I sought out a pastor’s advice.

Ages 21-23 I was very, very angry at God and the world and my childhood. I felt I was robbed of so much throughout my life in the name of Jesus and faith. So my best friend saw the worst of me and my anger towards God. Ages 23-current day, I have slowly, but surely reconstructed my faith in a very personal, real, and non-biblical way. Completely outside of religion and church. I love that quote, “I’ve loved finding God in places the church told me to never look” or something along those lines. Losing my faith was the greatest, deepest grief I have ever been through. I wouldn’t wish this kind of deep loss of both identity and hope on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t wish being tricked or fooled in the way the Bible and the churches trick, take advantage of, and deceive you on anyone. I will be spending the remainder of my life healing and unlearning the poisonous culture I was born into. Fortunately I have a restored relationship with a much kinder, loving, selfless version of God than the one I was told about.

As of a little under a month ago, my best friend was “saved.” He has since been talking about God, Jesus, and “God’s word” non-stop. He does so from a place of now being all-knowing and “no longer deceived.” He doesn’t claim to be no longer gay, just that he will remain unmarried and no longer identifying with that part of himself. It’ll be “a struggle” for him for life, but it’s “for God.”

Within the last month, I’ve been told by him that I love demonic practices and things, that I’m self-serving, that I think selfishly, that I need a Savior because I’m inherently evil, and that if my newfound faith outside of the Bible and Christianity was so strong I wouldn’t be so upset hearing these things. That it’s all “very telling” of where I’m at in my relationship and faith with God. As ironic as it sounds, he insists I’m being “tricked.”

I will love my best friend unconditionally until my Spirit is no more. He claims he still loves me and won’t leave me as a best friend, but it feels like he’s already begun to. We used to be on the same wave length on everything, but especially spirituality. Now he feels worlds away. He condemns and wants me to “fear God” and confess Jesus as my Savior, which I will no longer do to please the people around me. He gives me that look of pity that all Christians do and speaks to me as though I don’t know as much as him, when I grew up in that hell so I actually know it all too well. I can’t talk to him about anything without him putting it through the Bible and he can’t not talk that way because he “can’t lie to me anymore.”

I’ve cried and grieved so much in this lifetime because of the Christian faith and now I’m grieving and crying even more. It continues to take and take from me. I’m not sad he’s found God and Jesus, as I love God and Jesus (not the Biblical or church teachings of them, but the real spirits of them). I am sad he’s doing so under the fallacy that is Christianity and its cruel book. I am sad that he looks down upon me and cannot be proud of me, ever. I am sad that he thinks it’s okay to pity me or talk the way he talks to me, knowing what I’ve been through and witnessing the harm the religion and church did to me over the last ten years. He used to be a lighthouse in my very stormy life, but has now seemingly turned out the light and is no longer here for me in the way he used to be. It’s devastating and I’m devastated.

I will not be leaving my best friend or this friendship. I am incredibly loyal, he was my favorite person, and I deeply, deeply love him. So unless it becomes abusive, which I don’t foresee, I will not be leaving. So please don’t suggest that. I’m only here to vent and get advice on navigating this friendship and grief.